my mother says...

[qazxc]

if i hear another sentence starting with those words i will not be held responsible for my actions. I'm 33, and 8weeks pregnant with our first child, and every other sentence starts with these words.
I'm exhausted twenty four seven, nauseaus, my boobs are killing, etc.... The last thing i want to hear is what i'm doing wrong.

first the fact that i exercised was a problem, (well bit of moot point now the ms has kicked in) even though my doctor was fine with me swimming and doing aqua aerobics ( iwasn't planning on running a marathon or climbing kilimanjaro)

then the fact that our cat is obviously nursing some homicidal thoughts towards our unborn child and will suffocate the baby at earliest opportunity.

she has told all and sundry

she is choosing cots and prams (i'm not being ungrateful but i'm not even 2 months pregnant, and would like to do this myself when the danger of miscarriage is past)

every time i say i'm tired, or i feel sick, or i'm constipated, he runs out the room to text her then comes back in saying "mum says it's normal". I know it's bloody normal, I told him that, it doesn't make it any easier. Grrrrrrr

in fact every time i say something about pregnancy or birth, the Oracle has to be consulted. she had her last baby 30 years ago, things have changed since then. or she might not remember everything. but no, mum's word is gospel.

Now his (childless) sister has joined the fray and is bombarding him with unsolicited advice.
If i'm sick it's because i haven't been eating the ginger nuts. No i haven't been eating the ginger nuts because:
a) i'm feeling sick
b) it doesn't work
c) i hate ginger nuts!

we should move in with her to save on rent. in the two years i've been with my boyfriend i've met her 3 times. she's a neat freak and i'm not. what are we meant to do with all our stuff. Then when the baby is born that means moving twice. why is only me who finds it totally impractical and recipe for disaster. I mean previous to her mother telling her i was pregnant, her and my boyfriend weren't speaking for months over some petty disagreement.

Am i being unreasonable? how do you deal with in-laws trying to take over? please help.

yeah i think you're being a bit unreasonable.

your husband is excited, and he is worried about you and he wants to share things with his mum... that's normal! she might be the only person he really knows who has been there, done that and who he wants to talk to about stuff and he trusts what she says which is why he is telling you.

she wants to be involved and is excited by the prospect of a grandchild.

i think, and I say this in the kindest possible way, that you need to remember that this isn't just your child. it's your partners too, and his family want to be involved and it's normal and good that they want to.
if they're giving advice that you don't want then just smile and say thanks and then go and do your own thing.

I would move this to relationships not aibu if Want more advice and less bun fights.

Yanbu not to want to hear all this but once pregnant (or a mother), you are into the world of unwanted advice.

I would be more concerned reading your post about your dp respecting you and him and dc as a family unit - not running off to mum for advice or to live with. Doesn't sound like they were close (not really speaking, only met her 3 times - which isn't odd in itself) and now he is suggesting moving in. But sounds like you are alert to all this so maybe sit him down and remind him you are audits and the parents and need to figure all the parenting stuff (buying cots or wherever) without help.

Smile and think murderous thoughts :o

Or just tell him how you feel. That could work too

gigondas i think iut's the sister who wants them to move in with her and who he hadn't spoken to for a while. the OP doesn't say that he wants to do it

Don't worry - they're just excited!

Whoa, that would drive me NUTS! You've got to have a calm but frank chat with your dp. Much sympathy

I sympathise. My inlaws-to-be aren't too bad, it's my mother who is like this. I've found not telling her things is the best way to deal with it. You need to get your DP to agree with you though as he seems to be the one telling her the minutiae of your pregnancy. Does she baby him still?

You're not in the slightest bit unreasonable.
If they are like this now just imagine what will happen once the baby arrives.
It will drive you bonkers.

Yanbu. At all!

YANBU. I think some advice is fine, but when it's every minute detail it's bound to get irritating. I think you need to explain to your partner that you need his support, but not in an overbearing manner. That the difficult times you are having cannot be "fixed" like a leaky tap, they are most likely to be natural processes where your body is changing. My MIL is living with us for 6 months and doesn't seem to be particularly overbearing. My wife translates for her mostly so maybe I just don't hear it :) If she does start pontificating on medical matters, I've explained to my wife that merely having a couple of kids does not grant you a medical degree. This approach works well

I'd be upset if any of our parents had decided what cot or pram we were having for OUR baby, because that's a bit rude. Especially on the pram front where there are so many options available to you. Why not offer to go shopping with her so you can veto any choices you don't like.

That would drive me absolutely bonkers as well so no, YANBU at all!

YANBU but, as pictish says, they are excited. (As are you, but you've got the day-to-day feeling bleurgh to live with)

My older DSis (who incidently has never giving birth and to my knowledge ,never been pregnant) told me I was a "stupid cow" to go through labour without an epidural at least and I should "demand a C-Section" and "childbirth hurts like Hell".
Yeah, Thanks. This was a week before I had DC1, not the sort of claptrap I needed.

You told them too early to be honest and should have kept it to yourself until you started showing.

YABU.. he has never had a child either, nor is he pregnant, but is probably trying his best to be helpful, and the only source of help he has are the female members of his family...

she had her last baby 30 years ago, things have changed since then.... not really they havent... "advice" from "experts" changes all the time, but I would always think that a mother who had healthy pregnancies and has healthy adult children is a reasonably good "expert" to listen to as well..

he is being excited, but i think yanbu because you're hormonal and sick. and every pg woman is nbu.

tell him to make this cake for you next time you feel sick.
and tell him not to inform his mother about everything.

and yanbu especially on the cot/pram buying thing. /Nice that she wants to help, but it's your exiting thing, not hers.

YABU a bit, yes.

They're just excited/worried and you're not used to the attention.

When the baby's born, all the attention will be on the baby and you'll probably wonder why it seems no-one's showing they care.

Learn this now: nod, smile, take what you want/ need from it and ignore the rest.

In the end, it's only words (although I'd be having words about the whole buying of the cot/pushchair etc. thing) - you don't have to take them on board.

But, in your shoes, the most irritating thing to me would be your DP's "I must phone mum for every little thing" attitude. Does he not trust you? Are you 15 and without any adult guidance in your own family? have a word to him and explain that you, as a grown, pregnant woman, are quite capable of working a lot of this out, thanks - he doesn't need to be running to mummy over every little thing and no, it's not helping.

Projecting slightly - my first boyfriend was one who had never had the umbilicus cut from Mummy Dear and I bet he would have been just like that.

exiting ? i meant exciting.

Your problem is with your DP and not your MIL. He needs to concentrate on his new family (you and the baby) and not his birth family. You need to gave a chat with him and tell him just how annoying he is being.

I don't think it's a case of her DH not 'trusting' her as such Thumbwitch...maybe more a case of them both being in the same boat because neither of them have ever had a baby before.

As annoying as it is for the OP, it's natural to turn to someone you love who has been in that position before...especially if that person is your Mum.

In the same way lots of pregnant women would turn to their own Mums.

He needs to concentrate on his new family (you and the baby) and not his birth family

I find it so weird when people say this on here... why on earth do in laws suddenly become outsiders when a baby is born... if that is the attitude of some, then dont get all upset when your child's grandparents want very little to do with them as they get older... because you brought it on yourself with that sort of selfish attitude.

YANBU I'd be if I was pregnant and my DH/P texted his mum everytime I was sick/constipated/whatever to tell her. Then again I value my privacy and don't want everyone knowing every last little thing about me.

If my OH texted his mother to tell her I was constipated I would be mortified. I might suggest he move in with his mother for a while. Alone

No, maybe not trusting her was not quite right - more like not respecting her enough to believe she's able to do it, work it out, read books, find her own sources of information. Absolutely no need to run to mummy several times a day with every little thing, none.

You're being over sensitive. Women can be when pregnant - ask your MIL.