my mother says...

[qazxc]

if i hear another sentence starting with those words i will not be held responsible for my actions. I'm 33, and 8weeks pregnant with our first child, and every other sentence starts with these words.
I'm exhausted twenty four seven, nauseaus, my boobs are killing, etc.... The last thing i want to hear is what i'm doing wrong.

first the fact that i exercised was a problem, (well bit of moot point now the ms has kicked in) even though my doctor was fine with me swimming and doing aqua aerobics ( iwasn't planning on running a marathon or climbing kilimanjaro)

then the fact that our cat is obviously nursing some homicidal thoughts towards our unborn child and will suffocate the baby at earliest opportunity.

she has told all and sundry

she is choosing cots and prams (i'm not being ungrateful but i'm not even 2 months pregnant, and would like to do this myself when the danger of miscarriage is past)

every time i say i'm tired, or i feel sick, or i'm constipated, he runs out the room to text her then comes back in saying "mum says it's normal". I know it's bloody normal, I told him that, it doesn't make it any easier. Grrrrrrr

in fact every time i say something about pregnancy or birth, the Oracle has to be consulted. she had her last baby 30 years ago, things have changed since then. or she might not remember everything. but no, mum's word is gospel.

Now his (childless) sister has joined the fray and is bombarding him with unsolicited advice.
If i'm sick it's because i haven't been eating the ginger nuts. No i haven't been eating the ginger nuts because:
a) i'm feeling sick
b) it doesn't work
c) i hate ginger nuts!

we should move in with her to save on rent. in the two years i've been with my boyfriend i've met her 3 times. she's a neat freak and i'm not. what are we meant to do with all our stuff. Then when the baby is born that means moving twice. why is only me who finds it totally impractical and recipe for disaster. I mean previous to her mother telling her i was pregnant, her and my boyfriend weren't speaking for months over some petty disagreement.

Am i being unreasonable? how do you deal with in-laws trying to take over? please help.

Well, I think YABU for discussing your bowel movements with your DP, even if you are pregnant, unless you're actually really worried there;s something wrong, there really is no need to announce to anyone that you're constipated, and I would refuse to discuss such matters with anyone who wasn't a medical professional.

But to the matter in hand, tell your DP this is your body, it's a different one to the one his mother has, every woman's body reacts slightly differently to being pregnant, and many woman's bodies react differently each time they are pregnant. What worked for his mother isn't automatically going to work for you, what happened to his mother isn't automatically going to happen in the same way for you, and that even if it does, you aren't close enough to her to want your bodily functions discussed with her.

Your body doesn't become public property when you're pregnant. Tell him if he can't promise not to discuss private things about your body with his mother, you're not going to talk to him about it, which means he's not going to be able to support you to make sure you have a healthy child, and he can decide what's more important.

YABU a bit although reading your post brings all my sickness memories back...you can hear how crap you feel poor thing.

Although 'rules' have changed ,pregnancy hasn't that much, your MIL has done it and lived to tell the tale!

Don't tell your partner things that you don't want passed on (this will also be good practice for when the baby has been born

Don't know who said it, but don't underestimate the wonderful role and help Grandparents can bring...3 kids down the line, I realize now that with a couple of in-laws , I should have been more inviting.

Have you ever seen the youtube videos of cats meeting newborns? they sniff from a distance, look vaguely put out and run off.

If you ask on the litter tray section you will get people saying they bought cat nets for cots but never used them because the cat didnt want to get too close to the noisy fluid leaking unpredictable new member of the family until weaning started and the high chair became the place to be under at meal times.

YANBU about everything else too, I would not move in with her either.

I'd be cross with DP in your shoes rather than his mother. Do you have a good friend or your own mum you can moan to when you feel terrible? If so - if you don't need to rant to your DP to get stuff off your chest - I'd be pretty clear with him that if he can't stop telling his mother every little detail about your pregnancy, he won't be told anything either.

OP, prepare yourself for unsolicited bump touching, criticism of name choices and a wish to stay in your house from the moment you go into labour until the baby is 6 weeks old

Seriously, I think you need to talk to your dp and tell him that you are not comfortable with him discussing everything with his mum - some of it is personal and embarrassing to you.

Also, tell him you intend to choose your own baby equipment - that's one of the nice things about being pg, so don't let others take over. He can then find a way to tactfully let his mother know.

Under no circumstances agree to people staying with you when you've just given birth. I know this wasn't in your post, but trust me, it will come up. Don't agree to staying with the sister - couples need their own time and space.

It is nice that he wants to talk to his mum, but you just need to let him know that not all topics are up for discussion.

His sister is right about the ginger though .

He needs to cut the apron strings!

Tbh, dh will want to ask his mother about stuff. He should be wise enough however not to feed back all her advice to you.

Firm boundries with no apologies.

This is your baby. Yes, you are learning, but as you said, things have changed (thank god for that).

Some things you can be polite about. Smile and nod. If she pushes it, enforce boundries.

But first talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel and what you are going to do (i.e enforcing boundries). Ideally, he should have a quiet word with her first.

There´s obviously nothing wrong with him telling his mum stuff.

But it does sound rather as if he keeps running & asking for advice/help when it isn´t wanted/needed.

every time i say i'm tired, or i feel sick, or i'm constipated, he runs out the room to text her then comes back in saying "mum says it's normal".

Just this one sentence has me imagining your DP as a small boy.

How old is your DP?

YANBU!
I have crazy fil who brought me 3 peaks, a baby swing, baby clothes etc from boot sales when I was 8 weeks pregnant. And he told everyone. An he has been commandeering our lives ever since. Ds1 is 3 now.
I won't go into our mental living arrangements.
The only advice I will offer is: be firm, stick to your guns and don't let them get you in a moment of weakness!
When pg with ds2 I agreed to loads of shit for an easy life, things which normal, non-hormonal me would never have done. Which I believe has led to our current situation!

Prams. Not peaks.

Try to find out where his mum got advice and info from when she was pg.

Hopefully she will say that she looked in the most up to date books and wanted the best advice for the time. Then you can point out that you are doing exactly the same that his mum did except you are lucky enough to have the whole of the Internet Mumsnet to provide your info.

If she spots the trap she is walking into and says that she took her MIL's word as gospel then you can point out to dh that she is giving you advice from 50-60-(70?) years ago, things have changed lots since then (cot deaths being the obvious research to throw in if necessary) and does he really want that for his baby?

Tbh, everybody experiences pg differently - her experience is about as relevant to yours (in so far as it is a pattern for what will happen in your pg) as your best friend or the lady on the bus. Your mum's pg history might be a bit more relevant as I seem to remember there can be some things that if the mother has can be indicators the dd might experience them but even that's just an indicator rather than a definite. And that's before factoring in that lots of people experience pg differently each time.

Definitely think it's worth tackling yor dh about how you feel about him running off to discuss this all with mil even though you don't want him to - why he feels compelled to and how he thinks ot makes you feel...

Lydia - i don't understand why it's such a bad thing to tell her own DP that she has constipation!

toilet talk is run-of-the-mill conversation in our house.

Our bathroom is fair game if you´re on the toilet & haven´t locked the door.

When the children were young, husband would often be on the toilet with a child or two on his knee.

Re. the ginger nuts.
They make it much worse because they sting on the way back up. Don't touch them. They don't work either. And it puts you off ginger for years afterwards
Try the sea sickness wrist bands. They work for a while and then you can used them to tie his hands behind his back to stop him texting.

diddl - really?? Wow - your DH can't be as toxic as mine then, that's for sure - none of us would go near him while he's on the loo!!

I think you need to get him some other sources of advice, the not exercising thing is not that good at all, for non-complicated pregnancies exercises are good for the baby and you should continue exercising.

Regardless of how he's trying to help, and I'm surprised you've even told your families, let alone told them that they're free to tell everyone else. I'd say you need to nip this in the bud now and take more control of the family, yes it's your partners baby too, but that doesn't mean he has the right to discuss anything with his mother or sister.

Now that the children are older it´s just the cat who sits on his knee