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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tackle all the housework alone?

40 replies

SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 18:50

After a long day at work, I don't particularly fancy cleaning the house. I want to relax and watch tv, not do all the washing up dp refuses to do because it's 'not his job' because he is a man. He cooked earlier and refuses to wash up, he doesn't like doing it or any housework and takes a dry old fashioned view That it is a woman's job. Hmm
I have lots of sorting to do and cleaning of stuff. I don't mind that so much but need some motivation and energy.

AIBU to expect a bit of help? Don't think I can say anything to persuade him but any tips or advice on how i can motivate myself to do it all greatly appreciated :o

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/02/2012 18:53

I can make your life easier.... as of months ago you no longer need to strike through each work, you can do as much as you like with one set of -- at each end :)

He cooked... was that for you as well? If he cooked you both dinner, you doing the dishes doesn't sound like too bad a deal?

If you both work, then you both cook & clean. How you 'make' him do it, I don't know. Maybe try the 'if you don't do your share I'm going to get a cleaner in'.

Right now I'm not a good one to advise on motivation.

cricketballs · 24/02/2012 19:13

whilst I don't agree with the 'woman's job' aspect and agree that work needs to be shared (if you are both working the same hours). If he cooked, then why should he do the dishes as well? We have the unspoken rule that if you cooked, then you don't do the dishes.

Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 19:17

I wouldn't mind doing the dishes if he had cooked for me but he didn't, I had to cook for myself Afterwards as he claimed i wouldnt have liked his food Angry

OP posts:
surroundedbyblondes · 24/02/2012 19:18

Currently SAHM, so a fair bit of the domestic duties fall to me.

When DH and I were first living together in the first flushes of romance (and had disposable income to fritter away on luxuries) we had a cleaner. Easiest way to split the cleaning was to split the cost of cleaning lady.

Now, with two kids, a DH working long hours and living far away from my family, my lovely parents are paying for a cleaner to come in once a month. Not as much as some people have I know, but she can tackle some things that I just never can be arsed to get round to.

clam · 24/02/2012 19:25

What, so you mean he cooked for himself and made a right mess of the kitchen, yet expects YOU to clean up after him????

F* that for a game of soldiers.

trixie123 · 24/02/2012 19:37

no way, TBH even if he had cooked for both of you there's no reason why he couldn't do the dishes if you are doing other stuff like laundry or tidying or whatever but if he didn't even cook for you then he is an absolute arse. Show him this thread. DP - this is for you - you are a sexist lazy twat if you really did do what the OP describes. Now, OP, go and get yourself a Wine and stuff the dishes.

surroundedbyblondes · 24/02/2012 19:38

okay, didn't realise that OP. No. You absolutely do not need to clean up after him. Send him back to his mother for that kind of thing.

SuePurblybilt · 24/02/2012 19:40

You both work, he won't do any housework and won't even cook for the two of you? And you have to ask?
How have you not killed him brought this up before?

Winkly · 24/02/2012 19:44

I came in from work. DH has a day off so tidied up and changed the bedding. Tomorrow we'll both clean. Your 'd'p can do one, lazy selfish twat.

EmilyStrange · 24/02/2012 19:48

We share housework. I am a sahm not a sah-cleaner. What I can fit in during the day, I do and what I can't we share. Many times we can't be arsed and have a small argument about it but we both accept housework as both our responsibilities.

Mumof1plustwins · 24/02/2012 19:48

On account of me having twins DH will do the dishes for me even if he's cooked (sometimes) because he knows my boys (under 1 and still bfing) are a handful

You need to teach your DH you're not his housewife you're his partner. Bloody cheek. Leave HIS dishes and sort yourself out Wink

clam · 24/02/2012 20:31

"DH will do the dishes for me." For you? Hmm

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 24/02/2012 20:34

You're not even asking for "help." That makes it sound as if it's your job and you're asking if he would graciously give you a hand.
He needs to do his share.
He sounds like a pig.
Would you have liked some of the food he cooked? Did he offer you any?

grobagsforever · 24/02/2012 21:17

Massive arse. Has he any redeeming features?

Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 21:20

I would have eaten it if offered but probably wouldn't have cooked it for myself as would have taken too long . He's never done his "share" and if he ever does do something, he moans alot and then dissapears.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 21:21

Nothing is springing to mind grobag [blusg]

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 24/02/2012 21:22

Does he actually think it's women's work and refuses because he is a man or are you being emotive/jumping to that conclusion?? I wonder why you would choose to be with someone who took that view. I prefer to be with someone who values women.

Anyhoo - just say no - a bit 80's but still of value.

Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 21:22

Blush*

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 21:26

He has said on any occasion that it is not his job. He even asks the kids do "do it to help your mother out" and is therefore reinforcing that is is mummy's job and not his. Not saying it should be his job but it would just be lovely if he did something... Even if it was just once like clean a room or change a bed or play a game with the kids. Anything would be better than nothing!

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 24/02/2012 21:31

And what do you say? Do you challenge him?

Why do you put up with it? What is in this for you?

I know it's a post about washing up but I really think it's time to look harshly at yourself and what you need to change. You can spend a lifetime trying to change someone and get nowhere. You CAN change your situation, views and experience much quicker.

Original poster
SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 21:36

Have tried challenging it but it just ends up in a shouting row which I never win.

I can't afford to not be with him as couldn't get a mortgage on my current salary and I don't really have grounds to complain as I should be grateful I have a partner as I know how lucky I am to have one. Have known someone loose their dp and so therefore feel guilty when I have bad thoughts about mine.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 24/02/2012 21:43

You don't sound lucky. Are you really saying you suck it up as he could be dead!?! That is depressing.

Have you considered relate? You don't need a mortgage to leave either.

shebird · 24/02/2012 21:56

Have similar issues with my DP. He works full time and I work part time. As I am at home more and he does long hours all the housework and looking after DCs falls to me. He helps out by cooking at weekends sometimes but despite being too exhausted from a hard weeks work to help more he still finds time to pop to the pub for a well earned pint. It really is a mans world.

DoMeDon · 24/02/2012 22:15

No it is not a man's world. Your working hours and leisure hours should be equal. Discuss and come to a mutual agreement. If you cannot, then accept your relationship is not equal and live with it or don;t. You have choices, you just don't like them.

chickydoo · 24/02/2012 22:31

My DH is crap at housework and does v little. We both work. (he works 10 hours a week more than me)
A few weeks a go I lost the plot. He wanted to watch sport on TV all afternoon after playing golf all morning (this happens a lot) a good friend of his was coming over (this friend more like a father figure to him) to join him in several hours of beer drinking and sport watching. So while he was out buying the booze I emptied the TV room of furniture (herculean strength me) there were crumbs and toys and all sorts of shit under the rugs and sofas. I unplugged all the electrics, emptied all the cupboards squirted window cleaning stuff on windows, left cloths out, hoover, mop bucket bin bags etc. When he came back from the supermaket he was horrified! I said he had 2 choices, watch Tv with room in current state of upheavel, or clean the room properly first.
I left him with the kids, and I went out. I came back 2 hours later, the room was pristine, dinner was in the oven,DH and friend seemed happy enough, and kids said they helped daddy clean the windows.....amazing......
methinks...what room next?:)