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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tackle all the housework alone?

40 replies

SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 18:50

After a long day at work, I don't particularly fancy cleaning the house. I want to relax and watch tv, not do all the washing up dp refuses to do because it's 'not his job' because he is a man. He cooked earlier and refuses to wash up, he doesn't like doing it or any housework and takes a dry old fashioned view That it is a woman's job.
I have lots of sorting to do and cleaning of stuff. I don't mind that so much but need some motivation and energy.

AIBU to expect a bit of help? Don't think I can say anything to persuade him but any tips or advice on how i can motivate myself to do it all greatly appreciated :o

OP posts:

shebird · 24/02/2012 22:43

DoMeDon I've accepted that our relationship is how it is and we've discussed and discussed and agreed to disagree so I just get on with it.

Original poster

SpringingAllTheWay · 24/02/2012 22:47

Shebird... You sound like me... Are you me in a parallel universe? :o

OP posts:

shebird · 24/02/2012 22:51

SpringingAllTheWay I just don't have any energy left for nagging or arguing at the end of the day. Perhaps I just don't like confrontation? Perhaps we should start a thread for 'Doormats' :)

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/02/2012 01:11

Why should you be "grateful" that you have a partner?
Grateful to whom? Him?
For what exactly?
Does he need to do anything at all to inspire this gratitude, or just exist?

clam · 25/02/2012 09:09

"Agreed to disagree?" Really? Surely that's for more abstract concepts, where the outcome doesn't necessarily affect the other. Him "disagreeing" with you about his contribution to necessary household chores means that you're left with doing the whole lot.
That's outrageous and I couldn't live like that for one moment. "Nagging or arguing at the end of the day" certainly isn't the way to change things, but if you're prepared to just accept it then I guess that's up to you.

SayBoo · 25/02/2012 09:11

How and why do women put up with this shit? Good grief. What a terrible message it sends to your children, too: 'Mummy is a skivvy, housework is beneath daddy". Makes my blood boil!

mumeeee · 25/02/2012 10:04

In our house whoever cooks the evening meal they cook for everyone. At the moment there is DH,me and DD3 living at home. Someone who hasn't cooked does the washing up. If someone gets. If one of us gets our own then we clear up our own mess. Your DH is being very selfish and unreasonable.

mumeeee · 25/02/2012 10:13

If he is asking your DCs to help mummy and won't do anything himself he is setting a very bad example. Are you DCs boys or girls? He really needs to start doing stuff around the house. I would just stop cleaning and tidying up until he starts to help you.

Flojo1979 · 25/02/2012 10:22

I'm a single mum and there's times when i think I should have put up with ex cos that little contribution was better than nowt, but then I check myself and think no way, if he wants a doormat he can go pack his bags and find one, if he wants a wife then he can start acting like he respects me.
What do u feel grateful for? What does he do that stops u from telling him where to shove it?

Allergictoironing · 25/02/2012 10:43

My father tried the women's work thing on me once. He was ironing his cotton sheets (the rest of us happily used polycotton drip dry, but he HAD to have egyptian cotton that HAD to be ironed), then slammed down the iron & said he "shouldn't have to do WIMMIN'S work!!!". I dropped the dirty oily car part I was currently fixing for him right in the middle of aforementioned sheets and said "OK, I won't do men's work then".
Embarassed silence, then he quietly moved the engine part & recommenced ironing.

The dry oldfashioned view of "women's work" vs "men's work" thing came from when the vast majority of jobs were for men, so men earned the income and women did the housework as their contribution. So if he wants to not do stuff he thinks is women's work, you could suggest to him you'll be giving up your job as that's men's work?

NotGoingOut17 · 25/02/2012 11:07

I really don't understand why some women allow themselves to be treated this way. OP, why do you show gratitude for being treated so badly by someone who is supposed to love and respect you? It does not sound like he respects you very much at all (based on what you say).

It's been some time since having a penis meant you were exempt from housework - your DH needs to move with the times and grow out of his immature old fashioned disrespectful views - you say a little is better than no help, actually why can't it be 50/50. Why do you sell yourself so short when it clearly makes you unhappy?

It's hearing about men like this that make me sometimes be grateful to be single. Obviously it's not always an easy ride, but my time is my own, not spent being told I should be cleaning because I am a woman.

In all honesty, do you really want to be with someone who thinks so little of you? I would seriously be considering if this life is what I am happy with because it doesn't sound like such an ignoramous will be rushing to be doing much cleaning anytime soon - you either need to accept that, or challenge it

Nagoo · 25/02/2012 12:10

You thought that we would all come on and gee you up to get on with it all by yourself?

he made the mess, cooking for himself. Why are you cleaning up after him? You think it is ok that you do that?

You are going to have your relationship dissected here OP and I don't think it is what you wanted, but it might be what you need.

JosieZ · 25/02/2012 16:26

Can't you get a cleaner - when I look back at all the thankless, relentless cleaning and tidying that I did, and how resentful it made me at the unfairness of it I really hope my grown up DDs will get a cleaner in.

Eldest DD already bickers with partner and they don't have kids yet.

coocoocachoo · 25/02/2012 16:42

Wrong wrong wrong wrong Wrong - I'm no axe wielding feminist but I've always insisted on an equal relationship with no gender division of jobs to be done.

I used to do more because DH didn't have same need to clean as frequently as I did. That was addressed by me stating that I was getting a cleaner. We dropped the cleaner to save extra cash and since DH and I have been on the same page!

This whole equality thing did come back and bite me on the ass though when DH insisted on sharing my maternity leave - fair do's! Had nothing to say to THAT!

newrose · 25/02/2012 18:52

But if he wants to be so old-skool about what is and isn't women's work in the home does it not follow that as a married woman / in a LTR you shouldn't have to be working outside the home? If you are to be cast as Mrs 70s Housewife surely his part of the deal is that he provides for everything - he can't have it both ways!

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