to be wary in considering being a SAHM? Genuinely torn and would like some advice please

[Newmummytobe79]

This is not a discussion for/against being a SAHM, I'd genuinely like some advice please.

I have a degree and have worked in a stressful mum unfriendly career for a good few years. I consider myself to be a good mum, and although I keep on top of the house etc - I'm far from a domestic goddess!

DH started a business a few years ago and whilst it was touch and go at first, he is starting to do well. Whilst he was setting up, I was the main breadwinner, paid majority of bills, holidays, treats etc and this didnt bother me in the slightest.

Neither of us have ever earned lots of money but enough to get by, we have a small but nice home and can afford an annual holiday. Like most we have debts and a mortgage - but they are currently managable on his wage and SMP.

We've discussed me getting a part time job in the future as I can't return full time to my original role and he's more than confident we can afford our lifestyle and he is even putting plans together for us to move to a bigger house in the next few years.

He would like me to be a SAHM whilst our DC is little and I am totally torn about this. He feels I've supported him for so many years that it's his time to look after us and wants DC to have mum around all the time.

I have always been self suficient, independent and love having my own pot of money (I think this stems from my Mum being a SAHM and 'asking' my Dad for money) I do love being at home with DC ... but on DC's good days, I feel guilty I'm not working my socks off at work, that I may lose my identity and a little bit bored. Obviously on bad days, it feels like I have the hardest job in the world - like all mums! And DH is fully aware it's not all coffee mornings and shopping

DH is of the view all the money that goes into the house is ours - which is great, but I'm struggling with the concept of not having a job outside of the home.

Friends who have been SAHM for the early years highly recommend it and say even when your skint - it's worth it as the DC grow up so fast.

I am thinking of doing a little work online/temping to earn some extra cash when SMP stops and I'm extrememly lucky that both sets of GP's would be happy to care a day or two a week.

I know for some this wouldn't even be an issue and they'd jump at being a SAHM but I can't help feeling guilty for being at home all day and if I feel like this on maternity leave - how will I feel in the next year or so?

Please don't flame me. I'm fully aware I'm in a nice situation (far from swanning around in a flashy car but we can afford and love my old banger!)

I guess I'm just looking for advice from anyone who has been in this situation and if taking the leap from a career outside of the home to being a SAHM was the best/worst thing you've ever done?

What do you want to do? Work from there.

You don't have to be either a full time worked or a SAHM, like you say part time is an option, or a job that is more child friendly.

I'm a SAHM who was always self sufficient financially pre-children, I couldn't go back to my pre-children job (I lost my job when I was pregnant, the departments had a makor shake up, my job ceased to exist - in a nutshell) and the part-time jobs I could do, I didn't want or need so the choice was easy at the time, SAH. I treat it like a job, I take it seriously, I'd loved it. But my youngest child is starting school full time in September and the thought of being at home all day fills me with dread.

This is where the downside really bites. I need to work, get a life outside of the house and desperately want money (both to provide to the family pot and so we can afford more 'stuff') but after 8 years, its proving VERY hard to get back into work in any job that I think I may even remotely enjoy.

Is your current career one that could be tailored into a more family friendly role? Can your skills be transferred to a more family friendly sector? Or could you use the skills you have to become freelance, self employed, work from home part time?

Fundamentally this is your life and your choice. Don't be dicated to or influenced by anyone. It is good to know you HAVE a choice, and that if you choose to SAH your DH will be supportive, I hope he'd be equally supportive if you decided to return to work.

Good luck with deciding. Being a SAHM is what you make it, it can be utterly dull, it can be wonderful, you choose. (Having plenty of £ helps, as you can fill your days with more exciting things with your child, being skint and a SAHM is tougher, but you still don't have to be bored)

A few of my mummy friends have managed between 6-18 months out of work place and used the time to enjoy the DC, update their skills and CV and gone back at same or better level jobs.

I've been out of work force for 6 years - and that when it really starts to hurt. Ideally I'd have liked to be back part time last year but our circumstances have made that impossible so I've ended up SAHM longer than I imaged or really wanted.

My youngest is going to start nursery September and like aldiwhore I'm dreading it - the thought of being at home by myself. ( She currently playing quietly ). Having said that I plan to help at school, will be doing a final level OU course and need to tart house up for possible future sale so I image I will be quite busy and yet I still feel quite panicked by it.

I'm a SAHM, I love it.

If you enjoy working, then work part-time. That way you get the best of both worlds.

It doesn't sound like it is what you want. It sounds like it is what he wants.

What effect would being out of the workplace have on your future career prospects?

Have you read The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts? It's over the top, but quite persuasive about the potential pitfalls of giving up work. V American too so there's no little discussion of part-time work and alternative ways of working.

I was made redundant so now SAH kids are teens so not a lot of looking after to be done there, just providing endless amounts of food and washing I am lazy so enjoy not working and do not miss the stress that went with my job, BUT i do miss having my own income which is why I am looking for a new job. I think being a SAHM while the kids are young is a great place to be especially if you can work part time as well... best of both worlds.

I work jobshare - best of both worlds.

If you can get work for one or two days a week then do it if it will make you happy.

I worked one afternoon a week from the time my dc1 was six months old, and then when both my dc's were at school I went into a part time term time job. I consider myself to mostly be a SAHM because I am around for all the times that matter and I can usually do the ocassional things that happen in school time. I also do some voluntary stuff, but I can fit that in whenever it suits me.

I really feel I have the very best of both worlds and would recommend it to anyone!

Marking my place, as I'm in a similar situation
My 3 day week application has been turned down.
I'm coming to the end of my second set of ML.
What do I do?

To be honest it doesn't sound like you want to be a SAHM. Go with your gut instinct. You say you would feel "guilty" staying at home - I felt the opposite and decided that being a SAHM was right for us as a family at this moment in time.

I think the problem here is not so much SAHM v work, it's his insisting you effectively become dependent on him v you naturally being independent in nature. Would you have suggested being SAHM off you own bat? Sounds like it's what he wants not what you want.

If you're of independent mind/like to 'stand on your own feet' then it doesn't sound as though this arrangement is going to work and you're going to need work of some kind.

Also, what you need to think of is:

• it's very difficult to get back into work after a substantial time out of the job market
• your pension; well, you might not have one and you'll be dependent on him
• his business may be fine now, but what if it ever goes tits up
• awful thought, but what if he dies/you split up and you have no career/work/life of your own
• what are you going to do when dc's are of school age

The loss of identity is less I think if you have the option of having something that is yours - like the on-line temping or study or I don't know an exercise class somewhere or something where you aren't just mummy.

I didn't for a few years - lack of money, time and a lot happening and I do think it had a very negative effect on me hence me going back to studying with the OU.

Also worth having a look at what there is in local area or further if you have access to a car, groups ect, friends who are around to meet up with so you get out and meet other adults otherwise the days can get very long. A lot of my friends have all gone back to work so I manly see people at groups or school gate and a lot of groups have stopped over last few years.

Oh and think hard about pensions. I didn't and I will be massively disadvantaged there.

Good advice there from aldi

Consider all the options. It doesnt have to be all or nothing- you can change career or direction. Working 3 days a week was great for me while children were small- I wouldn't have wanted to step out of the workplace completely.

Talk it through and think both short and long term

I was also in a stressful career for years and felt I was losing my own identity there - I felt like a zombie sitting at a desk doing menial tasks that meant nothing to me, and that I was letting the best years of my life drip away.

Of course, by the same token, the money I earned then bought me dream holidays and paid to renovate a house - but once I had the house the way I wanted it and had ticked off all the places in the world I most wanted to visit, I thought 'what am I doing here doing a job I hate and earning money to spend on things I don't need?'

Giving up work has been liberating in that I have learnt to be frugal - cut my mobile phone call plan to a cheaper tarrif, only buy clothes when I really need them, only buy second hand books, and haven't downloaded any music since the summer when I had my last pay cheque.

I do worry about being dependent on DH, but he could see how unhappy I was in my career when we first met and he is strongly of the opinion people should do what makes them happy, so him giving me the chance to do this has been a dream come true (I am doing voluntary work at the moment but expecting DD soon).

I also worry about never getting back into the job market, as GrungeBlob says: but I'd never be going back to my old career anyway. If I hadn't got pregnant so quickly I'd be looking at ways to turn my voluntary experience into a career - still hope I might be able to do this in the future. Just getting the chance to do something different is an eye-opener.

Having said that, have seen a couple of cases recently with friends who are being given v limited options for returning to work after ML (refused part-time work, being made to take junior positions compared to their last job) and seeing people far more competent and career-minded than me being treated this way leaves me rather despondent about the whole thing...think I'd rather be home with a small person for company than have to work in a place that treats its female employees that way!

I certainly wouldn't flame you, it's such a personal decision.

Reading between the lines of your op I think you want to work and if thats how you feel you should continue to do so. You don't have to return to the same job, you could think about doing something else although in this economic climate it isn't perhaps the best time.

In my experience those who seem to get the most out of being a SAHM are in three camps a) they always wanted to be a SAHM and were never that career orientated b) they have a very comfortable lifestyle, they can afford to take their children wherever they want to and often go out for lunches with other SAHM's c) They are studying part-time or working freelance so although they may not be earning very much and call themselves a SAHM they aren't doing that 100 per cent of the time.

If being a SAHM is something you're burning to do, then go for it - no need to feel guilty.

But it sounds from your post that this is something that your DH wants you to do, not something that you'd have chosen for yourself. If he is so keen for your DCs to have a parent around all the time - why isn't he volunteering to do it??

Personally I only managed 9 months as a SAHM before I cracked and decided it wasn't for me, but everyone is different.

I can't tell from the OP but I presume you have one child? Do you think you will have more? Going back to work isn't an irreversible decision - decideing to take a long time off might well turn out to be. I agree with people who say do what you want, and it sounds like you want to work part-time at least. Why not go back, and tell yourself (and your DP if you like) that you will take another look at the position in a year, or two, or after the next maternity leave, or whatever feels comfortable. IMO working while the DC are young and can go to nursery/childminder the whole day is a lot easier than when they are at school.

Several posters have said "it sounds from your post that you really want to work but your DH doesn't want you to", but personally my feeling after reading your post was that you would like to be a SAHM but, after years in a demanding job, have not yet made the leap to truly valuing the role of a SAHM. This was an issue for me, but I now genuinely believe that I contribute as much to the family (in a very different way) as DH does. If you have the opportunity to stay at home and think you would enjoy it, don't go back just because you feel guilty.

I had a "well paid but stressful / long hours" job and now I'm a SAHM (with 3 young DCs) and LOVE it, so I realise I may be projecting my own thoughts onto you!

However I do agree with the points made above about the difficulty of returning to work in a few years' time.

Do what you need to do for your sanity.

If you enjoy work - then part time may be the route for you.

You might thrive as a SAHM - but it is difficult to resurrect your career after an extended break.

Sounds like what your dh wants is not what you want.

I've always worked and I would not have it any other way. I covet my independence (financial and psychological) - I think there is a real danger of not being able to kickstart your career if you take a long time off.

It's very different if you really want to be a SAHM - then all of what I've said above is irrelevant. But you don't want that do you?

I was in the exact same situation OP, minus the husband.
I couldn't be a SAHM, its just not for me, I'm still at uni, i want a career, my own life, money act, and i would loose all respect for myself giving everything up, i love my DD to pieces, but for my sanity/well being i needed to go back to work.
I went back when DD was 3mo, i get a couple of days off during the week with her, and even though I'm tired, i feel i have the best of both worlds. I'm really pleased with the way its turned out, but it did take a few weeks of adjusting.

Good luck, do whats best for you!

What you need to get to grips with is that it is almost always impossible to get to a point where DC have a parent around and available all the time and both parents work. But it sounds as if you have willing grandparents to help out with childcare, and most GPs make lovely child carers for very young children, especially if they don't do it all week long (which can get tiring for them and a little dull for small children who generally enjoy going out more than GPs do).

Being a one-income household brings certain risks, e.g. Dh's business could fail or no longer make enough to support you all, he could become ill (not necessarily critically ill, just ill enough so he couldn't work, eg serious back pain, depression) or die. You could have inadequate pension provision. He could leave you or behave in ways that would make you want to leave him.

if in such instances you had been out of work for many years, it would probably be much harder to mantain family finances than if you'd been in work.

Working also brings risks, eg DC might not thrive as well or have as good health in childcare as they might with a parent always at home, might get v tired etc.

Other factors include your personal feelings about working and being at home,your relationship with DH and his attitudes.

i would have preferred to be at home for the pre-school hears, but have chosen not to be. I do not want to be financially dependent on a man. DH does not want to be the sole breadwinner (his job is well paid enough so I could be at home but insecure). I like my job and have a family-friendly employer, it is well-paid. was loathe to give this up as unlikely I'd find anything as good after a few years out.

So I work PT, fact that am not (yet) FT is because of exhaustion (although I find work much less hard work and tiring than being at home with two toddler / preschool DC) and concern that FT might not be best for DC right now.