to be wary in considering being a SAHM? Genuinely torn and would like some advice please

[Newmummytobe79]

This is not a discussion for/against being a SAHM, I'd genuinely like some advice please.

I have a degree and have worked in a stressful mum unfriendly career for a good few years. I consider myself to be a good mum, and although I keep on top of the house etc - I'm far from a domestic goddess!

DH started a business a few years ago and whilst it was touch and go at first, he is starting to do well. Whilst he was setting up, I was the main breadwinner, paid majority of bills, holidays, treats etc and this didnt bother me in the slightest.

Neither of us have ever earned lots of money but enough to get by, we have a small but nice home and can afford an annual holiday. Like most we have debts and a mortgage - but they are currently managable on his wage and SMP.

We've discussed me getting a part time job in the future as I can't return full time to my original role and he's more than confident we can afford our lifestyle and he is even putting plans together for us to move to a bigger house in the next few years.

He would like me to be a SAHM whilst our DC is little and I am totally torn about this. He feels I've supported him for so many years that it's his time to look after us and wants DC to have mum around all the time.

I have always been self suficient, independent and love having my own pot of money (I think this stems from my Mum being a SAHM and 'asking' my Dad for money) I do love being at home with DC ... but on DC's good days, I feel guilty I'm not working my socks off at work, that I may lose my identity and a little bit bored. Obviously on bad days, it feels like I have the hardest job in the world - like all mums! And DH is fully aware it's not all coffee mornings and shopping

DH is of the view all the money that goes into the house is ours - which is great, but I'm struggling with the concept of not having a job outside of the home.

Friends who have been SAHM for the early years highly recommend it and say even when your skint - it's worth it as the DC grow up so fast.

I am thinking of doing a little work online/temping to earn some extra cash when SMP stops and I'm extrememly lucky that both sets of GP's would be happy to care a day or two a week.

I know for some this wouldn't even be an issue and they'd jump at being a SAHM but I can't help feeling guilty for being at home all day and if I feel like this on maternity leave - how will I feel in the next year or so?

Please don't flame me. I'm fully aware I'm in a nice situation (far from swanning around in a flashy car but we can afford and love my old banger!)

I guess I'm just looking for advice from anyone who has been in this situation and if taking the leap from a career outside of the home to being a SAHM was the best/worst thing you've ever done?

If you're not comfortable about becoming more dependent on DH, then don't.

Or at least don't do it for now. It is logistically far, far harder to be a WOHM during the primary years.

If you are planning more DC then you're likely to get another year at home in due course, may make sense to try out work (PT if you can) in the interim, then try out being at home with 2 DC, ime this is a different kettle of fish to the first maternity leave!

Forgot to say that having childcare you feel good about is v v important. When returned after Dd1 was never happy with the care and was a big stress. The much better childcare / preschool we now have has made it much less stressful returning the second time.

I think the option of part time with GP's support would be ideal. Do something totally different maybe but something that earns a bit (bearing the job market ain't flush at the moment) also keep your skills up.

Could you do something for your DH's business that could be done from home or PT at the work? All above board salary etc.

Or if you aren't worried about the money some voluntary work?

I would say ALWAYS have your own Bank account & some money in it. Its lovely that your DH sees all money as joint money but a woman should always have a running away fund (sorry to be cynical) or a pot that is HERS so you can pay for things independantly.

It's funny-I consider myself a sahm, but actually I've worked a bit with breaks for maternity leave (quite extended!) since dd1 was eight months old. I have only done a day a week or so and it's been supply rather than a contract but I do get to a point where I need to go to work. It kind of makes me miss the children and want to be with them the rest of the time. And whilst we wouldn't need to starve or move house, without my financial input, we are scraping by. Don't know what I'm saying really, just echoing the idea it's not all or nothing really.

I was planning on being a SAHM, then due to changes with DH's job while on mat leave it turnd out I couldn't...I'm actually relieved, I'll be going back 3 days a week, I've started KIT days already and TBH it's made me realise how much I enjoy my job, and just being in the working environment. Also when I get back to DD I am far more refreshed and ready to focus on her 100%.

If you're not sure, I would recommend trying to work PT, especially if you plan on more DC as you'll get time off later to decide again.

OP, I don't think guilt should come into the equation, whatever you decide to do, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Based on your post, it does sound like you want to work and your DH wants you to SAH, but not sure if this is actually how you feel.

I have always WOH so no personal experience, but I do have friends who SAH. I think they all valued the time they had at home with their DCs but are finding it very hard to get back into the workplace now that the DCs are a bit older. And the one who has found work is a bit at having to go in at a much lower level than she was previously.

For me, retaining my independence would be a real concern, as would the break in my pension. I would be a bit concerned about the stability of dh's job/business. Also, there are personal factors which colour my views - my own mum gave up a worthwhile career to SAH with us, and I had a wonderful idyllic childhood, but she never got back into work and suffered with major depression when DSis and I eventually left home. She now wishes that she had been able to maintain her career in some way, and has encouraged my DSis and I to do just that.

I currently work ft but would love to reduce this to pt if the option was available. It sounds like you would have willing help from grandparents too, so pt work would seem the obvious option.

I think you need to sit down and think through what you really want, and talk it through with your DH.

Agree with aldiwhore you sound confused. Do what you want to do and not what will make DH happy (although perhaps compromise rather than ride roughshod over his feelings, obviously!).

SAHMummying isn't for everyone. I am one and borderline naturally suited to it but returning to work is impractical in my case anyway, so I embrace it as best I can. I think as when considering careers, if you aren't enjoying yourself it's a poor existence.

Also consider what you want to do once they go to school. I want a career change anyway so less of an issue than trying to return after a five year break or whatever.

I think if you wanted to go back into the same field keeping your hand in would be good.

Another one here who is selling the virtues of part time working ...

I found working when my DC were small, I was able to work a couple of days, family did most of the child care, and I was able to fit in the clubs, coffee mornings, toddler activities etc on my days off. It also gave me the money to really enjoy my days off.

The other benefit was that when my youngest dd started school in September, I was able to adapt my hours so that I now work 9 -2 term time. Yes, they go to breakfast club (20 mins a day) but I'm there to pick them up after school and they get to do all of their activities etc after school. I would never have been able to have got these hours if I hadn't worked when my dc were little. I'm lucky that my work goes out of their way to be accommodating to me - my hours are not the best for them, so if it hadn't been the years that I've spent proving myself when my dc were small, I'd be seeing even less of my children now. I do really believe though that everyone seems to think its only important to be a Sahm when the dc are pre school. In many ways, I've found they need you more once they're at school - the tiredness, the friendship issues, the after school activities, the playdates, the homework all make after school clubs (every / most days) less than ideal... So I wouldn't want to work then.

IMHO you have got to balance the short term v the long term. Sah seems to favour the short term benefits, but I often think part time working often pays more in the longer term.

You could always try it and see if you like it?

Personally I get a bit bored. I have always worked in busy, deadliney places and find the being home all the time thing doesn't come easily to me. But everyone's different so it's about working out what you want/enjoy/need etc

Why don't you try the stay at home parenting and if you really aren't enjoying it then modify it? You could always work from home or part time if you aren't comfortable with the way it is, but the best way to find out if something works is to try it.

You may love being stay at home, you may not. Different stokes for different folks Best way is to try and then modify if it's not working for you.

OK, so you know what DP wants.
You know you have back up cc from GPs
You know your original career probably isn't going to work longer term as its not family friendly.
DP's business at the moment can support the whole family.

What you have is an opportunity. You have time. What do you want to do? Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years time?

I think you need to take some time (as long as it takes, don't rush it) to work out what it is you want to do with your work-life balance and career over the next 15 years and try to visualise where you want yourself to be when the DCs are at the age of leaving school. Don't get input from anyone else, just close your eyes and think about it. Don't think about job titles but more generalities, eg 'I want to have my own business, I want to have a senior role in a big corporation'.

Then go back and work out how you get from here to there. If you do want to have a senior role somewhere then you will have to work part-time - as lots of posters have said, trying to get back into the workplace after a big gap is tough.

But if you are looking to change career, you may need to retrain, to study, to volunteer to get new skills. This is all now possible because it's DPs turn to pick up the tab for the family. Brilliant!

What I'm trying to say is, it's not all or nothing, and it's not all or nothing for ever, either. If you could look at this as a positive time of exploration, who knows where you might end up?

I don't work outside the home, but I'm a very successful freelancer who earns well but fits it in round DS (should be working right now, naturally). I would never have envisaged this path if I hadn't been made redundant and DP said 'just don't look for a job for three months, and work out what you want to do.' Time is such a luxury - make the most of it!

(sorry loooong post )

Sorry don't have time to read the thread but I would not have wanted to have worked full time or be at home full time. I work three days a week as I enjoy working and having freedom. I have a job that covers the childcare costs. I would be bored and depressed being active carer/mother 24/7.

Good post WilsonFrickett

I am bored witless of being a SAHM & in retrospect wish that I had kept working parttime. There are whole threads on here about how being a SAHM can become a trap. Be wary.