To get totally wound up over my Partner's hair ...

[Fecklessdizzy]

This is really petty but it's been doing my head in ...

My DP has alopecia ( random bald patches ) he's had it ever since we met back in the Dawn Of Time and no treatment made much difference so for years he shaved his head so it wasn't particularly noticable. Just recently he's stopped shaving and let it grow out ... He says he likes to feel there's something there ...

Problem is that it looks awful, bald bits and long straggles. I hate it. He won't talk about it, everytime it comes up he has a crisis and gets all upset and I end up backing down and seething inside.

Suggestions, please? Or tell me I'm being a controlling fuckwit and to leave the poor bloke alone ...

YABU

YABU

you're 'being a controlling fuckwit, and to leave the poor bloke alone'

I can understand why you would be annoyed, you want your dp to look his best. He can't see what it looks like from the back, But... if thats what he wants you can't really say anything about it, it must be horrible for him to have alopecia. Imagine how he must feel, hes spent his most of his life being bald let the chap have abit of hair!

Reverse the situation and imagine for a moment how you would feel with bald patches!

Would he agree to having short long bits of hair? That might look a bit better.

Ultimately, if he likes it the way it is then you shouldn't be nagging him to have it different. It's his head and he can have it how he wants. If you love him, you should want him to be the way he is most comfortable.

Fair enough, controlling fuckwit it is then ...

Leave the bastard

I would probably have sided with YABU but for the mention of "long straggles". [http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518YS1MZ6VL.SL500_AA300.jpg Bleurgh!]]

Try that link again

I don't think you're a controlling fuckwit. I wouldn't do something to my appearance in the knowledge that DH hated it (a facial piercing, say), and he wouldn't, for example, decide to grow a beard because he knows I hate beards. You're allowed to be a bit shallow, surely?

Oh dear OP. Whilst you're probably being unreasonable I would be too. Only thing to suggest is what other poster said, try to talk him into cutting the long bits.

Well I've just ordered my DH to have a haircut as in my opinion he looks like an old bloke from the 1950s. As I said to him this morning, "if your hair is greying, and you're growing it long, you CANNOT put product in it - you look like your Dad".

He's just called me from the hairdresser......:)

Provided you'd take it from your DH (a comment about your personal appearance) I'd say (obviously) that YANBU. However, given that it's caused by a medical condition, you've got to dress it up a bit. "I love it when you shave your head - it's so sexy to touch " or whatever. You can't just say he looks awful/weird/whatever. That's not sporting.

Do you love him for your appearance or his personality?

I loose count of how many threads appear on MN where a woman feels bad about herself on the basis of what her partner says about her appearance.

It would be nice if double standards weren't applied. I think you might have a point to sensitively bring up the subject under certain circumstances (if hes going for a job interview, or if his job requires him to look particularly professional).

Otherwise, just let him be himself - I wouldn't be surprised if there was some self asteem issues wrapped up there somewhere too, so going in without a real reason to, I think is potentially playing with fire.

his appearance*

I've had alopecia since I was 14. I'm 53. You're right, it is really petty. Mind your own business, stop seething and leave him alone.

I feel the same about my DH and his microphone head. He hasnt got alopecia but you think they would appreciate some advice on what looks good and what looks terrible. Shallow maybe but hey ho.

Don't most people change elements of what they look like to make their partner happy though? (to an extent) I agree with being positive about it by saying it looks nice short though, or maybe something like "it needs neatening up a bit". As an example, I sort of want a different hair cut, but the guy I'm with wouldn't like it. As I'm not that bothered about it, I haven't done it, because if I did, he would get his hair cut the way he wants it, that I wouldn't like, and were both happy like this.

Has he tried getting steroid injections in the bald spots? A friend of mine did this and the hair immediately started to grow back.

Hi Chaps, thanks for responding!

We've tried the steroid injections ... Nada ...

He's a lovely bloke and if he wants to keep his straggles then so be it.

It's only hair, it's not worth getting all bent out of shape over, in the long run.

You are being unreasonable and extremely shallow. Poor guy, he can have his hair how the hell he likes surely? He's not supposed to be a model man-doll for you, he is a human being.

I sympathise with you.
Dh began losing his hair at 16 and when I met him had a ridiculous fringe and huge bald patch, with hair round the edge. Looked like Friar Tuck.
Eventually I suggested how much better he'd look with it shaved off, or at least cropped.
It wasn't till he saw the wedding photos that he realised what he looked like, and now sports a very cropped head of hair.

knit a hat for him?

Ouch. Wibbly I've admitted I was out of order twice now ... Lay off!

YANBU!!
It's all very well everyone slating the OP for being shallow, but if it was your husband you might not find it so easy to be cool about it.

It's not like she is saying it's a dealbreaker and she doesn't love him anymore because of it, just that to her it is really unappealing, and easy to solve.

Bribe him in some way to shave his head.

Has he seen photos of him with the straggly bits?
Might make him change his mind.