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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to go and talk to teacher or head at DD school?

34 replies

pancakedays · 23/02/2012 20:59

DD started high school last year. We moved to a new town (DP work) which is 10 miles from her middle school.
DD was bullied by another girl during year 7. Girl was new to the school and targeted my DD.
Teacher at the old school attempted to deal with it, by talking with the girl and her mother. We should have made a bigger deal of it at the time but knew that we were moving and DD would be getting a fresh start away from this girl.

During the last week of term things escalated. Girl hid DD belongings, PE shorts down the toilet, lunch box emptied, lots of things but nothing physical. All of this was witnessed by other children. Girl was told off, threatened with missing leavers disco, but I feel the school did not deal with it very well as it was the last week and they were all leaving.

At the end of the summer holidays girl's mother phones me. She stated that I was a f evil b for accusing her DD of being a bully and doing all the things stated above. She said it was my DD fault for not sticking up for herself and that we were both pathetic and that she actually enjoyed the fact that her DD had been 'winding us up'. I put the phone down and have not heard anything since.

DD is happy at school. Has made friends and doing well.
She came home today distraught. She had a call from a friend from her old school to say that this girl will be attending her school soon as she is not 'getting on well' at her new one!

I am so worried that this will all start up again. DP thinks I am over reacting on hearsay, and should wait and see.
Does anyone have any advice. Would I be unreasonable to go and talk to teacher or head DD'S school?

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 23/02/2012 21:04

I would make an appointment to speak to the head of year. Could be a managed transfer because she has caused trouble where she is. Could be all your dd's present school needs to have a good reason to decline admitting the girl.

Good luck.

ToothbrushThief · 23/02/2012 21:06

Definitely talk to school

Uglymush · 23/02/2012 21:08

Talk to the school - good luck

littleducks · 23/02/2012 21:11

I would go in and explain why your dd is upset.

If the girl is moved there they could keep an eye and clamp down from the start, make sure that they are put in seperate classes/forms.

It would be great if they could refuse like marriedinwhite suggested.

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 21:12

god, you poor thing - you must talk to the school :( This has to be dealt with before it escalates. Her mother sounds like a cunt

sunnydelight · 23/02/2012 21:13

Talk to the school - if it is true you need to act now (who knows, the school might put the girls together if they think they know each other already). If not - although of course they might not tell hou - your DD can relax. The most worrying thing for me is the fact that the parent of this girl thinks what she has done is in some way justified so if it all kicks off again you know there is no support there.

momma2lilboys · 23/02/2012 21:17

Talk to the school. That way if she does move they can keep an eye out and nip any problems in the bud early! It might also help in planning her new placement i.e. not being in the same classes/form etc... Hope you get it sorted, cant believe how unhelpful some parents are when their children are being mean x

lurkinginthebackground · 23/02/2012 21:36

I agree with what others have said. Make an appointment to see the head of year.
Good luck.

Original poster
pancakedays · 23/02/2012 21:37

Thank you. If I talk to the school I did not want to come across as over anxious parent, especially as this is just hearsay from a friend.
I think I will go in and explain that my daughter (and me) are worried this may happen, and try and keep it low key in case it is not true.
DP is not being very supportive!
Regarding her mum...... Since the phone call I actually feel sorry for the girl. This is where she learnt that behaviour. Some kids don't stand a chance!

OP posts:
bejeezus · 23/02/2012 21:38

I would kick up a stink and do your very best root stop the girl from being transferred

Failing that, I would tell dd to thump the girl very very hard in them nose on her first day.

troisgarcons · 23/02/2012 21:38

It will be a 'managed move' by the borough - nothing you can do to prevent the girl transfering schools. you can mark her card ....BUT, just BUT ...lets say this girl has changed, you might just piss on her square and prevent a new begining.

bejeezus · 23/02/2012 21:40

If don't keep iron low key-tell them exactly what happened and tell them about the phone call

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/02/2012 21:42

You've got the conversation with the old teacher as your evidence that this child was hostile to your DD.

I take your point regarding the child's mother, I do, but your responsibility is to your DD.

Request a meeting with the HT ASAP.

EauDeLaPoisson · 23/02/2012 21:44

What a pair of arseholes her and her mother sound..no wonder she isn't getting on at her current school she sounds like a ghastly child. I would talk to the head.

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/02/2012 21:47

Trois, she's being managed out of her school. Does that ordinarily happen to kids being rewarded for their exemplary behaviour. OPs responsibility is to her DD against a bully with form.

In OPs shoes much as I'd love to be the understanding adult, I'd e physically laying across the door to stop this kid getting another chance at DD.

youarekidding · 23/02/2012 21:50

I would request a meeting. They need to know there is these problems. They won't be able to tell you IF the girl is moving due to trouble etc but they need to know your DD has previously been a target.

I would be very clear that there have been problems, your DD escaped them and that you are pre warning them and will escalate it to the highest level if the problems re occur.

Hope it all works out OP.

Slambang · 23/02/2012 21:53

Yes of course, because if you don't she could end up in dd's tutor group etc. If you explain the abuse both you and dd have had from the family they will ensure dd is kept well apart.

GrahamTribe · 23/02/2012 22:05

bejeezus, if there is a place available and no other applicant for it with greater right to it this child will be admitted to the school. Generally there would be nothing that the OP can do to stop that from happening unless the transferral is as a result of an expulsion or is a managed move. Then, as marriedinwhite says, the school could attempt to prevent the child's admittance if it had exceptionally good reason for doing so.

Pancakedays, without a doubt contact the school and tell the HT of your concerns, sooner rather than later. If the transfer is as a result of a managed move or expulsion the LA will be working to a timetable and any objections to the direction will need to be stated before it's too late. If the transfer is a normal in-year admission then it will still be essential for your DDs welfare (and your peace of mind) for the HT to be fully informed.

MrsBeakman · 23/02/2012 22:06

I would be straight up to the school to tell them of my concerns (and I am not someone who normally makes a fuss.) The girl sounds appalling and her mother sounds vicious. How awful when you thought you had escaped them. I feel for you and your daughter. Is it possible that it is not true that the girl is moving and someone said it to upset your daughter?

troisgarcons · 23/02/2012 22:11

EnjoyResponsibly

Trois, she's being managed out of her school. Does that ordinarily happen to kids being rewarded for their exemplary behaviour

actually it happens for a lot of reasons ..... family moving ..... family break ups ..... bullying ...... curriculum non-suitability... MH issues .....

behaviour can be a factor - but the cases I deal with are 99% MH issues and needing a new start.

What is your experience of managed moves?

seeker · 23/02/2012 22:12

"I would kick up a stink and do your very best root stop the girl from being transferred

Failing that, I would tell dd to thump the girl very very hard in them nose on her first day."

Wow- great message!

Op- definitely tell the school- they might be thinking it would be a good idea to put this girl with dd because they come from the same school! They need to be in separate classes at the very least.

Original poster
pancakedays · 23/02/2012 22:16

Thats what I'm hoping, MrsBeakman. The girl probably knows that my DD is still in contact with her old friends, and just wondering whether it could be a wind up?
This is the reason that DP feels we should wait and see what happens.
Following the comments on here I am now going to contact the school, keep it low key, but just mention my concerns. Not sure if they are able to tell me if the child is coming, but if she is, and I mention it now, then they can hopefully manage the situation.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 23/02/2012 22:21

Another thing to bear in mind is that a normal application to attend a state school, even an in-year admission and not one made at the usual joining times, would be processed pretty quickly. If there is a place available there should be no reason for a delay in admitting the child and, if things go smoothly (and bearing in mind that timeframes vary, but only slightly, from county to county), they should expect to be in the new school within a couple of weeks. if there is no place available the parents will have to make an appeal of course. That might give you an idea of the lie of the land - is DDs year to its full capacity or over-subscribed? If so and the child really is joining the school suddenly and without having won an admissions appeal she will be doing so because she's on a managed move or has been expelled.

A managed move or an admittance owing to expulsion from the previous school will take a bit longer. LAs normally say that the procedure should be completed within 3 weeks of the hearing which confirms the exclusion or the agreement to effect a managed move but realistically this can take a lot longer, especially if the school drags its feet because it's trying to find ways of proving that it is incapable of taking the child.

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/02/2012 22:23

None. But let's think more about your third point, as that's the relevant one here.

GrahamTribe · 23/02/2012 22:26

Pancakedays, if the HT tells you that the school are admitting the girl she/he shouldn't. It's not permitted!