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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to let my DD go on holiday with my ex

40 replies

purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 18:02

Who isn't her biological father but someone she called daddy for just over a year?

Quick fill in, me and her actual father broke up because he was a useless twat. Twat being a nice word. Anyway, I met my now ex when she was almost a year old, and he adored her, I thought we were forever and allowed her to call him daddy, he was fine with this. We broke up through my own fault (I cheated, massive mistake, feel free to flame me for it) I felt so guilty, I told him, and subsequently he left. Has not seen me or DD since, and as far as I know hasn'y wanted to see DD as a letter he left said it would hurt him too much.

Now, me and new DP, who I am not allowing her to call dad or daddy etc, were invited to go away with my family on a holiday, only to then be asked if we wouldn't mind going on a separate holiday as they have invited my ex, and want to take DD with them on their holiday. They claim, as they are still friendly with ex, that it would be good for her as he'll be at other occasions (they invited him for xmas dinner last year too) if she sees him and can stop calling him dad. She is 3 years old, and I feel she would forget about him anyway. Am I wrong not to let her go?
Everyone else says i'm right not too, but family seem to think I am being unreasonable. Any wise words from MNers?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 23/02/2012 18:06

Is he a nice guy, is he kind to her? He took her on, didn't he when her own father buzzed off and developped feelings for her. Obviously your parents still like him and feel a bit sorry for him. Isn't there some way of being a bit flexible with it? Are you worried your current partner will be offended by ex being in dd's life?

And no, a 3 year old will not necessarily forget IMO, might, might not.

mellowcat · 23/02/2012 18:07

I wouldn't let her go to be honest with you

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 18:13

I think my current partner would feel a bit weird by it, as they haven't really welcome him. My family never liked my ex until we split up. And he never made the effort to do anything that involved my family.

He was very good with her, and isn't a bad guy tbh.

But I am moving soon, and rather far away, but family don't know that yet, and I don't see the point of putting her through this if she isn't going to see him again. He hasn't seen her for nearly a year now, she was 2 when he left. She doesn't ask for him, but if she see's a pic via FB, she will say dad.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 23/02/2012 18:24

what do you think is behind the family inviting him then? It is a bit strange if they never got on with him when you were together and, if your current partner is not going to like it, it is tricky. If the ex is not the one trying to get contact to your dd but your family is setting it up, it is a bit unusual.

Maybe just book a holiday for you , current man and dd and not get into any great discussion about it.

chunkythighs · 23/02/2012 18:43

TBH What is sticking out a mile for me is the fact that you have had 3 serious relationships in as many years. Honestly you'd both be better off spending time just the two of you. All this dad/mums partner/father malarkey is not helping your daughters confusion.

As for your familys' friendship with your ex? Hmm

MooncupandPizza · 23/02/2012 19:02

It all sounds a bit odd to me - your family sound the most unreasonable in the picture in their choice to uninvite you to a holiday in favour of your ex.

You sound a bit unreasonable in introducing this guy to your DD already despite having a not-great-history with long-term relationships as presented here.

Overall, YANBU to not want her to go along on the holiday with ex there, I think but, as chunkythighs said, there is a lot of other odd stuff in your OP

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 19:22

I should have clarified I left her biological father before she was born.
I don't know why they invited him. I just needed outside views as to whether I am in the wrong for not allowing her to go.

I know my relationship history isn't great, I'm actually ashamed of it myself, but I have learnt my lesson and dp only comes to visit at weekends, due to work and living distance.

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 23/02/2012 19:25

Your family want to go away with your ex instead of you and take your child with them? Shock

There is no way in the world I would let that happen, and my family wouldn't be seeing me or my child if they couldn't work out where their loyalties should be.

Clytaemnestra · 23/02/2012 19:27

No, she's only 3, she hopefully won't remember particularly clearly and feel his loss as much anymore...unless she has people parading him in front of her saying he used to be your Daddy but he's not any more.

Worst case scenario, if she does remember him, and launches herself at him screaming Daddy Daddy in excitement and then he rejects her that will be devestating for her. And you won't be there to comfort her. I wouldn't even consider this holiday as an option to be honest.

RachelWalsh · 23/02/2012 19:28

That's a strange thing for your family to do. What are they like generally?

I don't think you're unreasonable to not let her go.

I don't think posters judging your relationship history is very fair, you haven't asked for opinions on that.

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 19:35

no i wouldn't let my parents and my ex take my child on holiday.

i think you've confused her enough by letting her call this man daddy so soon after him coming into your life, and to be fair it sounds like you've learned from that mistake. let her forget him and keep you and her as 'the family' and boyfriends as boyfriends from now on. your parents sound odd and so does your ex for going on holiday with him. it would perhaps be different if he'd shown a consistent interest in her since you broke up but he hasn't. i also think you need to use this opportunity to create a boundary with your parents that they don't think your child is theirs.

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 19:36

They are very much its our way or no way. Don't get me wrong, they are not a complete monster of a family all the time, but can be controlling and do stuff similar to this, because they are 'always right'

OP posts:
FuckUAndTheHorseURodeInOn · 23/02/2012 19:40

I'm feeling sorry for your daughter tbh

thepeoplesprincess · 23/02/2012 19:40

YANBU definitely. She needs to be allowed to forget over him, and he needs to forget about her. It's no longer necessary or appropriate to be in each others lives.

He sounds bloody lovely tho. Is he going spare now?

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 19:52

I have no idea tbh.

And I didn't intend for her to go through this, but she is healthy and very happy, apart from the occasional 3year old tantrum.

OP posts:
FaithHopeAndKevin · 23/02/2012 19:55

So he hasn't seen her for a year? Has he made any effort to contact her?

Why would he want to go on holiday with your DD and slightly bonkers family anyway?

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 19:57

No, none at all.

OP posts:
chunkythighs · 23/02/2012 20:00

I didn't say before- No-3 is too young to go away for so long. If you want to keep them sweet just say that you would miss her too much.

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 20:04

I would actually miss her like crazy. I hate being away from her for one night, I think I would be a wreck with a week.

OP posts:
mrspepperpotty · 23/02/2012 20:05

YANBU and your family (and ex) sound weird.

AThingInYourLife · 23/02/2012 20:10

I wouldn't let her go on holiday with your family, they sound toxic.

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2012 20:13

You would be wrong to let her go.

You need to be present if she ever sees him again, as a source of comfort.

It doesn't sound as though you can trust them to handle this correctly and this may have an effect on your DD for quite a while.

Are you sure that they are not hoping that this will impact on your relationship with your new pboyfriend?

How would he feels if she asks for your ex and pushes him away, after she has seen the ex?

It sounds like a very cruel experiment, tbh and totally unnecessary.

Original poster
purplerubberduck · 23/02/2012 20:17

It does seem that way, that they are trying to make him feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, but they did try to make my ex feel the same, just through different methods.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2012 20:20

Then it's all very odd.

Game playing with adults is one thing, but children should be left out of it.

Seeming as you are moving your DD will have enough unheaval, she doesn't need this on top.

BarbarianMum · 23/02/2012 20:25

No, don't let her, it would only be appropriate if he was going to be her daddy long-term. And as he's not seen her for a year, clearly that's not going to be happening. It would just be opening old wounds.