Not to let my DD go on holiday with my ex

[purplerubberduck]

Who isn't her biological father but someone she called daddy for just over a year?

Quick fill in, me and her actual father broke up because he was a useless twat. Twat being a nice word. Anyway, I met my now ex when she was almost a year old, and he adored her, I thought we were forever and allowed her to call him daddy, he was fine with this. We broke up through my own fault (I cheated, massive mistake, feel free to flame me for it) I felt so guilty, I told him, and subsequently he left. Has not seen me or DD since, and as far as I know hasn'y wanted to see DD as a letter he left said it would hurt him too much.

Now, me and new DP, who I am not allowing her to call dad or daddy etc, were invited to go away with my family on a holiday, only to then be asked if we wouldn't mind going on a separate holiday as they have invited my ex, and want to take DD with them on their holiday. They claim, as they are still friendly with ex, that it would be good for her as he'll be at other occasions (they invited him for xmas dinner last year too) if she sees him and can stop calling him dad. She is 3 years old, and I feel she would forget about him anyway. Am I wrong not to let her go?
Everyone else says i'm right not too, but family seem to think I am being unreasonable. Any wise words from MNers?

when are you moving? and is it to be with new dp?

I will be moving about this time next year, and it will be with my new partner.

Then i would spend this year building their relationship and not allow anything to get in the way of that, including your family.

Build the three of you as a family and your ex should be kept off the scene.

He hasn't got a prexsisting close relationship with your family, by the sounds of it, for some reason they are now creating that, don't allow them to.

They have picked inviting your ex over you and your DP, that is very strange, leave them to it.

So he's not seen your DD since you split, but now he's been invited on a holiday where DD will be there, does he even know she's been invited? After this time, if he wanted to continue a relationship with your DD, then he'd be trying to see her away from the pressure of a 'family holiday' - he can't really want this, but your family want him to be the 'Daddy' for DD rather than your current DP.

Don't let her go, if he wants to see her, let him, but to start with, with you there too. I'd cut contact with family who insisted on trying to interfer in this way.

Additionally, your DD is 3, she's on her third Daddy. I'm sure you didn't plan this, but think carefully before moving away with your current DP. Your DD needs stability.

He was aware she was going to be there.

It definitely wasn't planned, but I did leave her biological father before she was born, and he hasn't bothered to try and make contact, and it's unlikely he ever will. But I did learn such a horrible lesson regarding ex, and I have said she is never calling another man daddy ever again, as I am always going to hate myself for allowing it to happen.
We are planning a holiday this year, just the 3 of us for a few days away and in a new environment for bonding.
I haven't stopped thinking about the move. All I want is for stability for my dd and for myself (without sounding selfish) but dd's is my main priority. Along with her well-being and happiness.

If it was her father I'd say yes, but this is just a boyfriend you lived with for a year or so, and your parents are taking him on holiday?
I'd be pissed off with my parents for this and no my daughter wouldn't be going.
I think allowing children to call anyone other than their biological parents mum or dad if their natural parents are alive isn't on though and just causes confusion.
You don't have to recreate a cutesy nuclear family.
If this bloke had been in her life for several years and she was an older child I'd say yes, but at 3 it will just cause confusion. Your daughter is not going to have an ongoing relationship with this bloke.
Say no.

I do wonder why your ex wants to go on holiday with your parents. I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday with any of my exboyfriend's parents. Different if you had been married for some years and had kids together but he does sound just like a fairly casual boyfriend with no marriage and no joint kids. Weird.

Actually, thinking further about this, your ex going is rather a red herring, your parents invited you on holiday, then uninvited you, but still want to take your DD. That's very insulting. On the grounds that you don't want your DD left alone with anyone who'll treat her mother in a shabby fashion, you should decline. Make it clear to them it's not about ExP, but about their treatment of their DD. (And again, if your ex wants a relationship with his exSDD, he should be prepared to talk to you about it, not see her for months then play happy families on a holiday is just confusing for a child)

Not to sound like a drama queen, but my family do tend to make me feel the 'outcast' in the family.
I would never go on holiday with an ex or their parents. I have no idea what any of them are playing at. But it made me question my initial reaction which was no, she isn't going, because of how they reacted. Hence the asking here. I am very grateful of the advice and opinions, and other than feeling like a bad parent in some respects, I feel better knowing my decision to say no isn't bad.

listen you made a mistake with your ex but it's done and dusted and you don't have to beat yourself up or 'hate yourself' for it forever you know? so long as you learn from it re: taking things slowly with this partner, limiting contact with dd initially and gradually building up his presence over time as your relationship proves solid over time.

given dd is three and you only split up with your ex a year ago iirc you haven't been with this new guy long yet are already planning on moving away and in with him. it's good that that is a year away though and that you're not telling anyone yet but i'd keep it as a planning to move with him if everything is going well, he proves to be trustworthy, your dd is happy etc etc rather than a definite.

your family is a separate issue. there are some boundary issues whereby they think they can uninvite you from a holiday and still take your daughter with them. i'd state clearly that no your dd would not be going on holiday without her mother. if they think it's about him then say well obviously i find it strange that you want to go on holiday with my ex but no that's not the key issue here as even if he wasn't going i wouldn't let dd be separated from her mother for an extended period at this age. she is my daughter, we will go on holiday together. and then i'd arrange a holiday or a break and go with her just you and her.

your parents are playing odd games - i'm the outcast one/scapegoat historically in my family and my parents yet my son was idolised by them and they were very possessive over him and overstepping all sorts of boundaries. it was by small things like this (i too had to refuse to their surprise to let him go on holiday with them as a toddler) that i created clear boundaries. as a single parent (which i am) it's great to have support from your parents and for them to be involved in your child's life but no matter how much help they give there need to be boundaries especially if your own relationship with them has been hard. it always felt like my parents, my mum, in particular was trying to prove a point with my son.

all of her ploys failed however because he's my son, he loves me and no matter how much he loves them or enjoys being spoiled or how much they attempt to undermine me i am his mother and his real home base or whatever you want to call it and our relationship is strong and just 'there'.

take your dd away just you and her and give her some you and her time without parents or boyfriends. remember that's your primary unit and the one that needs most of your attention and priority.

Unless this request came from your ex, and your ex alone, then you shouldn't give it second thought and not send your dd.

If your ex wants to be in your dd's life, biological father or not, he should make the effort.

Your family shouldn't be trying to conjur a relationship between them.

Your family are disrespecting you massively.

Put as much distance as you can between your family and you.

If your ex gets in touch, be civil by all means but make sure he knows that the blame lies firmly with your family, not you or him.

Good luck with the move, fresh start. Don't let your family treat you this way. x

even though he isnt her bio dad she did call him daddy however he hasnt been in touch since he left , so I wouldn't let her go on holiday , I think its a bit strange your familiy are so friendly with him TBH but thats up to them , if he hasnt really bothered with your dd then i wouldnt get invovled ,

your daughter might not remember who he is and if she did then it would be confusing for her dont let her go move on with your new partner , even if she doesnt call him dad he might become her dad ,

blimey i am confused, imagine how confusing and upsetting it will be for a three year old!

What's done's done and you sound as if you've learned from it - don't beat yourself up. You clearly have your daughter's welfare at the front of your mind here.

Agree with what others have said - no, he's not in her life any more and she'll forget him at this age - for him to suddenly pop up for a holiday after a year of no contact would be bizarre and not good for her at all. So no to holiday with ex.

The more pressing thing, though, is your parents. I do not like the sound of them one little bit, I have to say. So, they weren't close to your ex before, they've now made friends with him once you've split up, and are cool to your current partner? Sounds like their actual motive is to try to mess thigns around for you and put a spoke in the wheels of your relationship. And they're happy to use your daughter to do this?? Nasty. Very controlling, and really disrespectful to you. Your later posts on the way they treat you aren't surprising at all. (Why your ex wants to be part of that is just plain odd, but like I said, I don't think this is about him, really. He clearly isn't bothered about actually seeing your daughter other wise he'd have got in touch with you before now).

My advice would be to watch them like hawks. I hope you're moving further from them? If you have a lot of contact, maybe cool off a bit. Distance yourself, but more importantly your daughter. What I see from this situation is - your parents have no more genuine care for your daughter than they seem to do for you. Think about it - they know you have split. They know you are trying to build a relationship between your daughter and your new partner but also trying to keep things light and cool since the breakup. And they want to open old wounds for your daughter, confuse her, and take her away for a holiday without you, because they've uninvited you.

Keep your own and your daughter's distance from them and don't forget this episode - it speaks volumes.