to expect DH to get the DCs ready for school/nursery when I'm going to work?

[maxpower]

DH & I both work full time. He's a paramedic so works odd shifts. I only went back to work this week after ML and I now work M-F 9-5. On the days DH is working, he's out of the house before the DCs and I wake up. So I have to get up and get all of us ready, drop DS at nursery, drop DD at a friends (who takes her to school) and then drive to work. Those mornings are pretty full on (the biggest challenge being keeping myself looking presentable!).

On the days DH isn't working, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to sort the DCs out, so that I can get myself ready in relative peace. This morning DH didn't get out of bed until I had, I was having to cajole DD into getting ready, DS kept wanting a cuddle/picking up and (understandably) was coming over to me, to which DH seemed oblivious.

When I happened to mention that I'd managed to get 3 of us up, washed, dressed, fed and out of the house by 7.35am yesterday, yet no-one was anywehere near ready at almost 8am this morning, DH started getting arsey.

Don't get me wrong, DH isn't a bad sort, but I just feel it's a bit unfair. When he goes to work, he only has himself to get sorted out. But when I'm going, everyone seems to remain my responsibility. Grr

YANBU. Re-allocating responsibilities for 'topping and tailing' the day saved my marriage. And, dammit, can you work out both your hours so that he can always do one or the other and you do one or the other? Only fair way to do it - may be tough but will save so much griping and bitterness. My DH now does everything with the kids in the morning (well, apart from DD's breastfeed and whilst he may harbour a leetle bit of resentment when I am laying in bed and he's rushing around, he knows that come evening it's payback time...!

God, made that sound like DH gets crazy sex as a reward...what I meant was that he knows I'll be rushing around each evening before he gets back.

YANBU to want him to do his share. But you need to discuss it with him straight.

What time did your DH get in from his last shift?

If he finished at 3am and you then want him to get up and help get the children ready for school and then go back to bed - YABU.

Infact I still think YABaLittleBitU to expect him to get up on his day off but I can also see where you are coming from.

Do you get EVERYTHING laid out and ready for the 3 of you the night before? That helped me a lot with trying to get 3 children out of the door before club starts and still having time to finish my make up in the car park at work!

I've been back to work for 6 months now and it does get a lot easier.

I remember the first time I left dh to do the dressing, feeding and dropping off. I was on the tube, before the line goes underground, when he called asking where dd's school uniform was as she didnt have any washed. He got arsey when I said it was on hangers in her wardrobe as he had 'already looked' I told him to ask dd who was 4 but not stupid and hung up went underground. She was in uniform when I picked her up so I dint mention it .

He is better now, but I do leave 'piles' of school and nursery uniform and they both mostly dress themselves, so it gets easier for everyone as they grow.

I agree if you can split the responsibility its the best way. I do get resentful that if dh starts at 9 he haules his arse out of bed and dresses himself then cross road to station then sit on the tube drinking coffee.

If I start at 9, i have to get both kids ready, packed lunch for dd, packed breakfast for ds. Drive (often scraping car etc) to friends drop off dd, drive to nursery drop of ds, park car on road with no parking restrictions, get the bus to train station, cram onto commuter train, change onto tube, then run down the street!

I assume he does shift?

YOU do continuity. Do what I do - get up earlier and havea shower/dry hair/faff about OR stay inbed another hour and look like a dog. Choice is yours.

*disclaimer. Dog = not neccesarily a non asethetically pleasing, self conscious feminist lentil plaiting cat knitter but
possibly the sterotype of one

It doesn't nec follow that your DH is being unfair. Shifts are knackering - I work them and it's exhausting - far more so than when I did normo 9-5. What happens on your days off? Do you get a lay in ever?

Have you tried to talk about this together - rationally and alone?

Both working full time sucks

You need to help each other

If hecwasnt on a late shift he should help you

Bohica If he finished at 3am and you then want him to get up and help get the children ready for school and then go back to bed - YABU. No I don't expect him to get up then. Taking today for example, he finished his last shift at 6pm yesterday - I don't think it's unreasonable for him to get up and help at 7am this morning!

Infact I still think YABaLittleBitU to expect him to get up on his day off but I can also see where you are coming from. So if I'm BU, what should happen when he's working Sat/Sun and I'm not? Should I just get to lay around in bed all day or do I get up to look after the DCs? Oh hang on, that's just what I'm expecting him to do isn't it!? I could also add that at least 2 days this week, DH will be off work at home and DCs will be at school/nursery. I never get that luxury.

BTW, I didn't have a problem getting the DCs ready and where they needed to be on my own, I'm organised enough to do it. What annoyed me is that it was being left to me to get the DCs sorted out this morning, when I was getting myself ready to go to work and DH had the day off.

If I start at 9, i have to get both kids ready, packed lunch for dd, packed breakfast for ds. Drive (often scraping car etc) to friends drop off dd, drive to nursery drop of ds, park car on road with no parking restrictions, get the bus to train station, cram onto commuter train, change onto tube, then run down the street! I share your pain littleducks

^I assume he does shift?

YOU do continuity. Yes, but it's not like he doesn't know in advance when he's working. So are you really suggesting that I shouldn't expect him to pick up the slack when he doesn't have to go to work on a weekday? So therefore I get to work 5 days a week and^ do all the practical parenting things while DH works 3 or 4 shifts a week (and sometimes less) but I shouldn't expect him to do anything else?

domedon no, I basically never get a day off as DH works 8/10 weekends, so I'm home alone with both DCs then and at work the rest of the time.

conversely, DH gets nice long breaks as he's off on days when the DCs are in nursery/at school.

I'm not saying shifts aren't knackering, but when we're both essentially working the same number of hours in a week, why should one of us get special treatment?

I haven't broached this with him in detail as its early days and I hope he'll get on top of it.

Maxpower - I have exactly the same problem. DP And I Work F/T - he doesn't work shifts. He NEVER gets DC's ready in the morning. it irritates the hell out of me. I have now withdrawn any kind of favours, indefinitely!

I get up earlier, by 5.30. DP languishes in bed until 7.30, jumps in shower, gets dressed and out to work by 8am.

I am left with looking like shite, screaming at DC's to get into the car, eat food...
I have tried talking to him, it changes for about 2 days, then goes back to normal

I am currently on the verge of a red card.

i feel your pain

YANBU everything you say in this last post about shifts and days off is true and sounds fair. If he has a week day off he can rest or do whatever once the kids are out.

They're his kids too and you aren't at home with them so you should both spilt the work according to who is best placed to do it. But possibly the time to talk about it isn't when you're rushing about trying to get them and you ready. I'd bring it up again when you have more time to make your (valid) points and come to a proper agreement

Well then he needs to get his bum out of bed and get DC ready - he can go back to bed for the day then if he wants to.

I think it's a bit unfair and a mistake to hope he'll do the thing you want if it is really bothering you. Surely you can just say - "look love I never get a break from the DC and I need more input from you now I'm back at work". If you wait, you are just waiting an unkown amount of time uneccessarily until he figures it out and may be allowing resentment to build up.

Of course he should be. Suprised anyone thinks differently.

I would just dump the baby in bed with him and get in the shower.

DH always does it here - his shift will either be leave the house before DD gets up or be back after she goes to bed so if he doesn't do it he won't get to see her that day. He does seem to take longer to get her ready than I do when I'm on my own but not much. He then goes back to bed once we've left!

6pm the night before

I work 5 days a week and my DH works 6, I have the children on my own every weekend & DH has a week day to him self off.

It's naturally for us to all get up at the same time on Wednesday and DH makes tea and my lunch whilst I do my normal routine, getting the DC and myself ready. If DH then wants to go back to bed it's upto him as long as dinner is ready and housework is done by the time I get home

I did have sympathy for the shirft working but I now say yanbu and you should set an alarm & get ready in the bedroom.

You need to talk to him.

Of course he should help you. Perhaps each Sunday you could discuss who will do what that week, taking into account his shifts, so you do a similar amount of childcare.

You need to have a calm talk about how the household will run now you are back at work. If he isn't working that day or doesn't start till later, you should be able to get up and just go to work without sorting the children - and the same in the evening. Its just fair.

Agree he should help (unless just coming off night shift).

However .. you need to have a clear discussion over who does what - 2 people getting in each other's way is more trouble than 1 person doing everything. Assign him a child to get ready, or even just to watch the children while you get yourself sorted.

Now that's your back at work you should be sharing the morning stuff. Obviously this doesn't include the days when he finishes work in the middle of the night or anything, but if he's finished at a reasonable time the day before and you are going to work and he's not, then he needs to deal with the kids, just as you would when he's working.

Don't let it continue or he'll get too used to it. Put your foot down NOW!

I work PT odd hours from home and my DH works full time so I get everyone ready in the morning and he just sorts himself out. The only time I've wanted to kill him was when he offered to look after the kids in the morning so that I could stay in bed a bit longer (think I wasn't well or something). Great I thought. Except when I got up about 15 mins before I needed to take the kids to school I realised that he hadn't done any of the morning stuff that I do every day. So the kids weren't washed/dressed/fed! I had to do everything I normally do but in 15 mins instead of an hour! What bloody help is that!

YANBU but you've only just gone back to work, there are bound to be teething problems.

When I went back after ML and whenever DH and I have changed our jobs/hours etc we give it a week and then sit down and discuss what worked for us and what didn't and then try and come to a compromise about what we will do going forward.

He gets his say as much as you do, but the final outcome needs to be fair. It won't just resolve automatically without being addressed.

I feel your pain too. Im starting to get him trained, but its taken a looooong time.
He now has it drilled into him that he MUST take one of the kids to out-of-school club/nursery and therefore get up 10 minutes earlier. Its not fair that I should have to do both when we both work. OSC is only around the corner, but if I take both that means unstrapping DS2 and lugging him to OSC with DS1 past the FUN PLAYGROUND LET ME PLAY!, where I then face the battle of getting him out of there when there are so MANY FUN things to play with AND people eating breakfast YUM, then back past the FUN PLAYGROUND STILL WANT TO PLAY. Strap him in again. Drive to nursery, get him out again, etc etc.

I do all overnight getting ups (thankfully DS2 has started sleeping through) the early morning get-up, feeding and dressing them and me, remembering to brush my hair and possibly apply make-up, bag packing/organising and any packed lunches. Oh and locating DH's wallet and phone.

DH has always just got up, had his shower, sorted himself up and left the building. Until recently.

Now I demand he does at least attempt to get one or both of them dressed ( I pile up all clothing and bags night before) and watches them whilst I get myself sorted. I will happily provide breakfast if he does his fair share of monitoring rather than watching the news and letting food carnage commence.

You must start introducing this now - dont let yourself steam with resentment like I did!!

YANBU; why should he get days off when you don't? As you say, on days when he works and you don't, you still get up and have to do childcare duties, yet on days when you work and he doesn't he is just expecting you to do everything, and is getting the day to himself whilst the children are at school or nursery. Yet another example of a man who thinks he can carry on doing what he wants regardless of the fact that he has children and that his partner will pick up the slack!

I would just start expecting him to help. "Right, you need to get DD dressed whilst I get DS's breakfast. She needs to be dressed, teeth cleaned and hair brushed within 10 minutes" "I'm off for a shower, I'll leave you to get DS dressed and pack his nursery bag". Also on days when you work, can he not drop the DCs off at school and nursery to lighten the load for you too? He can also help the night before if he's home to get things ready for the next day.

YANBU

That kind of thing used to drive me nuts with my exH. I worked PT and he worked FT 9-5 so fair enough I did most of everything with our DC's in the mornings. But....on the days I did work I got nothing from him. I'd have to be calling him up the stairs at 08.45 to say he'd be late for work if he didn't get up.
That maybe doesn't sound too bad until you factor in I worked 6pm-2am and didn't get home and into bed until 3am. To then get up at 7am when DC's awoke

YANBU.

Your dh might have a day off from being a paramedic but he doesn't automatically get a day off from being a father too.

I would sit down with him at a convenient time and decide together who should do what on which days.