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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to my mum about this

39 replies

PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 18:46

I'm going to a gay wedding celebration next month. Worked with one of the couple years ago and have known his DP since they got together about 16 years ago. They've already tied the knot and are having a big party, I'm taking DH and our DC (children welcome at the do) :).

My parents are evangelical born again christians. They are homophobic in the extreme and very judgemental. They are also 76 & 80 and have been like this since their 20s so not likely to change their opinions.

I wouldn't necessarily have a problem saying to my dad we were going as he is a quiet man. My mum however will go on and on and on about it. I can't bear the thought of having to justify why these people are my friends and have her ram outdated Biblical homophobia at me for the next however many years (and she will) :(. The party is in London so we're making a weekend of it so I have no chance of just not mentioning we're going, she phones regularly and likes to know what we're up to. I was thinking I would say we're going to a wedding of my old friend and let her assume it is a woman he is marrying.

AIBU to do this, it kind of feels disrespectful to my friends that i'm somehow ashamed or something :( DC know it's a gay wedding (they're 8 & 11) and think nothing of it - they have a gay uncle on DH's side (something else I haven't mentioned to parents even though he came out about 10 years ago). So they happily see gay relationships as normal.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/02/2012 18:59

Well, just don't tell her. It's not lying it's omission.
They've got their views, you've got yours. It's not as though you are making them go or asking them to babysit while you go.

The only problem would be if your DCs mentioned anything about it to them.

But at 8 and 11 I think you could tell them "I'm not asking you to lie, I'm just asking you to say nothing/very little"

I wouldn't tell any elaborate fibs. Just don't tell them!

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2012 18:59

I don't see why you have to tell them anything you don't want to.
Giver her as little info as possible and let her fill in the gaps.

But will your DCs drop you in it??

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 22/02/2012 19:01

You're going away for the weekend, why say more than that?

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2012 19:03

Just tell her you're going to a wedding

If she gets it out of you whose wedding it is, just tell her.

If she starts banging on about it, tell you you don't share her view on gay marriage and either change the subject or tell her you're too busy to chat.

You're a grown up, you don't need to lie for an easy life.

Eaglewings · 22/02/2012 19:04

What will you gain by telling her? It's not going to change her mind.

If she does start to froth having found Just calmly state that you have differing views and many Christians would happily go to the celebration of a Cival Partnership

Original poster
PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 19:04

No I don't think the DC will mention it, they don't see much of my mum and they'll probably just say they liked the party if she asks. I'm happy that they're not seeing it as anything different from any other wedding party we've been to.

Maybe I'll just try and omit the finer details like the bride being a man I worry because I'm such a crap liar, worried I'll blurt their names out (both obviously male)!

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StrandedBear · 22/02/2012 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/02/2012 19:06

Don't tell them and don't worry about it! My DP and I had a similar situation with DPs mum when we were planning our OWN civil partnership ceremony. Her mum is not nasty and she loves me but she absolutely cannot bring herself to acknowlege that I am her DDs partner and so we knew that the day would be weird and excruciating for her and for us. So we never told her about it.
It is actually quite funny since I am now her main carer, she ties herself in knots trying to explain to people who I am. Finally she has settled on "my adopted DD"!!

igetcrazytoo · 22/02/2012 19:07

just say you are going to a friends party in london and making a weekend of it

Cherriesarelovely · 22/02/2012 19:09

She is a bit older than your parents. Not that this is an excuse really since my own Grandad is 89 and is very proud of me and my DP.

Original poster
PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 19:10

Worra - if only it were that simple, my mum is as nosey as all fuck, she will want to know why we're away for the weekend, where we're staying, whose wedding, how long they've been together etc etc She doesn't give up on questions doesn't my mum.

I guess I am lying for an easy life. But I resent her giving me a hard time so why tell the truth for a hard life? It was bad enough when I stopped going to church 20 odd years ago - she'll still remark about what a disappointment I am from time to time :o

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Original poster
PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 19:15

Cherries, Bil never told his father (now deceased) he is gay, he wanted to but everyone in the family said not to bother for similar reasons, he just wouldn't have accepted it and why upset him when it would make no difference to either of their lives. So occasionally we'd have a bizarre conversation with FIL about what a shame it was that Bil hadn't found a lovely woman :o

You sound very kind and accepting of being an 'adopted daughter'!!

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BobblyGussets · 22/02/2012 19:19

pINGpONG, why don't you do the omission thing and then if she does find out about it and starts off, tell her "these people are lovely, they are very good friends of mine and I won't have you talking about my friends like this. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't say any thing at all" and do a flinty eye glint thing too.

GavisconJunkie · 22/02/2012 19:22

what Worra said.

Original poster
PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 19:24

Stranded - I know, I feel guilty for not standing up to them but is it worth ruining my relationship with them? They will be very very upset about it - I guess I don't want to upset them if I don't have to.

Bobbly yes - thank you, I think that's a good way of dealing with her if she finds out.

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lizziebennet · 22/02/2012 19:29

My DW and I were on holiday once with a really good friend and her DH. I overheard her referring to "my best friend and her friend" to the owner of the place we were staying. She said she just couldn't imagine telling the truth to this elderly woman in the Highlands. I was furious.

We have to come out every day of our lives and it gets tiring and tedious, but it's necessary.

I would say it wouldn't be respectful of your friends to push them back into the closet.

BobblyGussets · 22/02/2012 19:29

You've got it sorted now Ping Pong, just do what I we said and don't even debate the gay thing. People with such harsh views don't deserve to know about nice things like that. You are not going to change them. It isn't worth the agro and you don't want your friends derided.

i don't blame you for not wanting to fall out with your folks though.

GavisconJunkie · 22/02/2012 19:32

Ah, just read your last post. Well then, I say tell her and quickly follow it with a warning not to spout hate filled bile.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/02/2012 19:33

pingpingpong thank you! To be fair MIL is a very complicated person who now has dementia and so worrying about what she calls me is the least of both of our worries. To her credit she has always treated me with respect and has never said anything prejudiced or unkind, it's just that she can't quite bring herself to acknowlege our "gayness"!!! Many of our friends thought we were being really "unfair" in not inviting her to the ceremony but you really have to meet her to understand!

suburbophobe · 22/02/2012 19:37

Thank God you have a much more gay friendly family now than your parents!

You cannot change their horrible old school mindset, so just say you are going for a w/e to London and turn off your mobiles during it.
No problem.

You don't owe bigoted people like that anything, even if they are your parents.

suburbophobe · 22/02/2012 19:43

Oh, Cherrie, dementia brings a whole new dynamic into it. I feel for you. I've had to deal with my mum for the last 5-6 years now with this....

Doesn't change anything tho in my mind for being there for my gay friends....

springydaffs · 22/02/2012 20:29

Awful, just awful. I don't understand They will be very very upset about it - it's not you who is getting married to someone of the same sex?? I hate to say it, but your M sounds horrendous - i don't care how old she is. It soumds like you can't lie (or omit truth) so I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and say matter-of-factly where you're going and why and absolutely REFUSE to put up with her shit. Really, downright REFUSE.

completely stupid reference but did you see meet the midwife on sunday? Chummy stands up to her horrid mother - eventually. You're going to have to do it dear, really you are.

I'm a BAC and I assure you, your mother's vile views don't represent anything I recognise.

GrendelsMum · 22/02/2012 20:30

I think if you want to you can quite honestly say that you are going to a friend's party in London, as that's how your mum might think of it if she was less bigoted. I'm thinking of a very nice, elderly neighbour of mine, who I was telling about an upcoming marriage of two gay friends. She clearly didn't think that a civil partnership counted as a marriage, but didn't say so, and compromised by saying that she hoped they had a lovely celebration.

StrandedBear · 22/02/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PingPongPom · 22/02/2012 20:44

Springydaffs - yes she is horrendous on this topic, and like many mothers still thinks of me as a small child and someone she can control, but in fairness her next door neighbour is just as bigoted on the gay topic and he doesn't have evangelical Christianity to explain why he is like he is.

I will omit truth as suggested by a few people, and use Bobbly's suggestion if she finds out. If I felt I could change her opinion I would stand up to her, bu I won't and there is little point giving her more things to get upset about.

Sadly there are too any people about who do share her views - today on fb I've seen 2 links on 2 separate friends walls to c4m.org, I found this website very offensive and have commented on one of the walks asking why they think traditional marriage is being attacked. I'm glad for you that you haven't met any people like my mum - the church and my childhood was full of them :(

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