AIBU to want another child?

[topbannana]

I have been with OH for 6 years and there is some gap between us (he is 60, I am 35 which sounds quite shocking now I have written it down I have a DS who is nearly 8 that we are currently in the process of going through step-parent adoption with, OH has 2 grown up kids and 2 grandchildren younger than DS [hmmm] OH still works full time and is in every way still fit and active, hardly an impending pensioner by any means. We both work, DS is happy and well adjusted and we lead a full and interesting life.

For sometime we have discussed having a child (while being aware it may not be as easy as all that!) but it has never quite happened. Now it seems the time is now or never but AIBU to bring a child into the world with an "older father"? I personally believe that to have a loving father is in every way a benefit, compared to the children who are either abandoned by their father or are subjected to a string of temporary and unsuitable stepfathers.

Don't get me wrong, if it doesn't happen then we will count our blessings that we have the family we already have and I can at least say that we tried and I am not about to embark on a course of expensive fertility drugs or anything else, rather let Nature take its course (or not as the case may be) Its just yesterday I overheard a conversation regarding a similar situation and the general idea was that it was dreadfully irresponsible. Serves me right for eavesdropping I suppose :o

I think as long as you weigh it up properly, it's up to you both.

Be truthful to yourselves

For example, he is an impending pensioner because he's only 5yrs off becoming and OAP.

There are worse things than having an older parent, but only you two know how well you're likely to cope.

Lots of people are full of opinions about when anyone ought to have children - not too young, not too old, not too many, not just one, not too close together, not too far apart in age.... Frankly, it's a miracle anyone ever reproduces, and that children grow up sane and well-adjusted if you listen to all the horrified tales of how terrible it is to do x, y or z.

If your OH has decent health and fitness, then his age isn't that big a deal - if he's already "feeling old" then the disruption of a small child might not be a great thing, but otherwise, there's no reason why he shouldn't be around till a child reaches adulthood. Plus you should (statistically) be around long after that. ANd since he's managed with a toddler-up-to-8 he knows what small children are like.

If you both want a child, then go for it.

Average UK male life expectancy is 78, so allowing for conception/gestation, if your OH is average, he would be dead before a new baby was 18.

Having said that, I could go under a bus tomorrow.

There's also the issue of someone in their mid-to-late seventies having to deal with a feisty teenager.

YANBU, but think about how things will be in 10-15-20 years rather than how they are now.

It's not remotely irresponsible - the person who said that is clearly an idiot.

Frankly I think you're situation is ideal - mature parents, lots of experience of child raising, stable family and relationship, - what's not to like?

The only 'shudder' I get is a personal one where I pretend to be 60 and think about spending the rest of my life caring for children - but if it floats your dh's boat that's great.

I know a friend of my Dad's who married again at aged 70 to a woman in her 30's. They have three children now. His second child is the same age as my daughter!! My Dad has another friend who married again aged 60 and has two daughters.

They seem to be living fine. They are both quite rich men so know their children will be well provided for when they die.

You're NBU to want another child, but you may want to think about the future before making a decision.

I think it was Red or Good Housekeeping this month who interviewed dads of all ages and John Sergeant (I think) was interview about being an older dad at 67 (?) with an 8 year old. The article was lovely, all about how he was a much better dad to his 8 year old than his daughters when he was much younger (working all the time)

Nothing wrong with that idea at all IMHO. I hope it works out for you all OP.

My DH was 50 when our dd3 was born, not 60 I know, but it might as well have been IYNWIM? My DH is very young for his years though, that helps.

My own Father had his last 'baby' at 50 , now 65 he is still very young ...he has always said you feel as old as your youngest child! I think it has kept him young and in touch.

Good luck , only you know, and its really only up to you two:)

FWIW, my ds's best friend has parents with the same ages now as you and your OH (she's 5 now, and her dad has 5 grandchildren both younger and older than her). He is a lovely dad, who has loads of time for his youngest.

So, I'd say, go for it

Have a baby!
It sounds like you both want to and you will love it and look after it well. That's all that matters.

A planned and loved baby can only be a good thing surely.

As long as one parent is going to be around to look after it long term...

And it will have older siblings.

It's never the 'right' time to have a baby and there are always pros and cons at each age.

I think 10 years ago I'd have been very much against people becoming parents at that age, nowadays I tend to think that as long as you love each other and do what is right for you both, that's all that counts.

I couldn't imagine becoming a parent at 60. I'm hoping to be a granny by then and handing them back to mum. Obviously it's for you and your DP to decide about your own family. But you do have to be realistic that you children will be more likely to lose a parent in childhood than most children and that your DP may find the whole thing exhausting and might struggle to do some of the physical things most dads like to do with their children. The fact that you are not an older mum helps but doesn't remove this.

YANBU to want one, but it would be unreasonable if you had one. It would be to satisfy your want, not because you think you can provide the best for a child.

You would be bringing a child into the world knowing that there was a good chance her/his Father won't be around when she/he is 18. Dad would be be a worry rather than a help at that age becaue it's a rare 78 year old that is healthy.

There are of course children much younger than that living with parents who are ill, but that is very different to bring a child into the world where it is almost guaranteed to happen. It would be plain selfish. You would be knowing subjecting a child to embarrassment and worry and quite possibly bereavement. And that is quite simply wrong.

I lost my Dad when I was 15 to cancer, which obviously couldn't have been predicted. If my parents had been able to predict that would happen and that I would go though most of my teenage years without a dad, and then everything else that goes along with it,I would resent their selfishness. It is horrible to have a sick and dying parent when you are a teenager, why would you knowingly inflict that on someone?

Sorry to have to be harsh, but that is the reality of the situation.

I don't think that is the only possible reality, IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll.

OP, I think older fatherhood is getting much more popular, as well as older motherhood (I speak as the oldest mum at the school gate...). This obviously brings its challenges as well as its rewards, and it clearly forces you to examine the resources that you can provide - both separately and together. But I don't think it is irresponsible, no.

I do think being a 60 year old older parent is rather different from being a 45 year old older parent though. At 45 you'll still be under retirement age when child becomes an adult and well below average life expectancy in the UK.

Yes, but it also makes a difference if there is a younger parent on the scene. TWO 60 year old parents is probably a bad plan.

I hate people dictating when others should have children... but all I can think of is being 17/18 and losing my dad.

It feels sort of unfair tbh. Sorry.

My friend lost his mum at 15 when she was 38. Age is no guarantee of health. My friends father had her later in life, he is now 83 and she is 36 and he is still going strong

Dh and I both lost a parent in their 50's which, if we pop off at a similar age, only gives us about 17/18 years left!

I think you have to really think around this carefully - whilst noone likes to think about it its a possibility that at 70+ anyone might experience ill health and having cared for a young child and an elderly relative it can be tough - the emotional struggle between spliting your time is difficult to juggle IME

I'm surprised people would prefer to have never been born than to lose a parent at 18.

What weird priorities.

YANBU OP. If this is something you and your DH want, then go for it.

EauDeLaPoisson - Its true that age is no guarantee of health, I'm not quite 30 and I could die tomorrow, but lets face it, old age is a guarantee of definitely not being there for milestone moments in a childs life. Its not likely the child would be married or have children by 18, the child won't have gone to uni, graduated, etc. I know theres always a chance of something happening to anyone at any time, but in this case its not a Chance. It's a Fact.

And I'm not saying people would choose not to be born if they knew they would lose a parent at 18, but its true to say its a terrible thing. And at the moment, there is no child.

OP god forbid imagine if something happened to you and your child was orphaned at age 18.

I couldn't do it.

Personally I'd be looking at this from a selfish point of view. I don't agree with the posters who think it's unfair on the child, better an old Dad than a rubbish Dad IMO.

But I think LaurieFairyCake makes a good point about you and your DH's future. When your DS leaves home in 10 or 12 years time you and DH will hopefully have the chance to spend some time together just the 2 of you, maybe do a bit of travelling or pursue other hobbies together (assuming your DH is still in good health at 70). By the time the new baby leaves home it's very unlikely your DH will be up to that kind of thing. So your whole marriage will have been spent looking after dependent DCs - which is fine if that's what you want. Is it?

DH lost his dad when he was 18 and his father wasn't old by any means.

DH had his dad around for the majority of his childhood and FIL sounded like such a lovely man. DH has amazing memories of them doing all sorts of things together when he was growing up. Yes it makes DH sad that FIL never saw our DD and has missed some great achievements in DH's life, but he knew his father loved and cared for him and made him the man he is today. Point is losing a parent is hard, but if the child had a great parent then that is something that they can carry with them, as opposed to having parents who don't really care about you, but who are still knocking around.

I think you should go for it, if he wants to be a father again, and will be an attentive one, then why not?!

My parents are 78 and 80 currently, they have always been very active, however I see an accelerated decline in every sense from about 75. My very personal opinion is that a child deserves to have the option of having both parents around for as long as possible. I wouldn't inflict on purpose the heartbreak of losing a parent young (I know it happens even to young parents, but we all agree that it is very unfortunate and sad when it happens).
I think it is selfish to bring a child I to the world I those circumstances.

Of course age isnt a guarantee of health, but I don't think that's the point.

You can almost guarantee that this potential teenager is goin to have to cope with a parent with ill health though.

I know a guy who ran a half marathon at 74, and another guy who still scuba dives at 72 (which he has to pass a very thorough medical for), but these are the exceptions rather than the rule. That's why people are so impressed when they hear how old they are.

Accidents and unexpected illnesses are things that happen in life that you can't predict. If people could predict that they would happen to them then I expect there would be less children in the world because many parents wouldn't want to inflict that on to potential children. I know that I wouldn't have a child knowing that I would be diagnosed with terminal cancer when my child was 14. But that's because I know what it feels like to have lost a parent at 15 and then go through every day and event wondering what my Dad would have had to say about it.

I couldn't have a child knowing that there was no way I would get to meet my grandchildren.