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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DD(5) is DELIBERATELY trying to undermine my confidence?

45 replies

MsVestibule · 22/02/2012 10:17

Last week, I was watching the TV with DD when a John Frieda advert came on. She stared at the swishy haired lady on the telly and said wistfully "I wish that was my Mam". After seeing my face, she quickly backtracked and said she wanted two mammies, and I could be the other one .

This morning, I was taking her to school and she announced she wanted to be a doctor or nurse when she grows up. I replied "Oh yes, they're good jobs, DD. You'll have to work hard with your reading and sums to be a nurse/doctor". Her reply was "So, if you don't work hard, you just become a mammy?".

Now, before I became a SAHM to my 2 LOs, I DID work for 20 years, sleeping working my way up to a relatively senior(ish) position. I've told her I used to go to work, and that other mums also WOH, because I want her to know that she has plenty of options in life, and being a mum is only one of them.

Also, (and more importantly, IMO) my hair IS swishy on the day I wash it.

So, do I get my own back by telling her her legs are too skinny and her hair is too blonde?

OP posts:

hermionestranger · 22/02/2012 10:20

My DS also told me that I do nothing but stay at home and spend Daddy's money!

I did work up until having DS2 and am now at college in the evening and doing the SAHM thing until I go to university in september.

We had a big chat about this attitude and idea of mummy being worthless and doing nothing. I honestly have no idea where he has picked this idea up, not from me or his Dad, that's for sure!

Original poster

MsVestibule · 22/02/2012 10:34

I know, Hermione! I am a feminist and my DH never, ever says anything derogatory about me being a SAHM. I just have to console myself with the fact that my mum was also a SAHM, and despite the appalling example she set by just staying at home and spending my Dad's money, I turned out OK...

OP posts:

Mumof1plustwins · 22/02/2012 10:37

No I wouldn't retaliate. My DD (6) sometimes says pretty cheeky things. No idea where she gets it. Just shrug it off. They're just at that age I guess

Hardgoing · 22/02/2012 10:40

Whatever you do you can't win. My dd once shouted 'why can't you stay at home like all the proper mummies?' as I was rushing them out the door so I could go to a meeting. It's part of growing up.

stealthsquiggle · 22/02/2012 10:45

If it makes you feel any better, OP, my 5yo DD constantly complains about the fact that I am not a SAHM and therefore not at her beck and call. Apparently everyone else's Mummies can let them have friends to play whenever they want and my working is simply ruining her social life.

Gubbins · 22/02/2012 10:51

You can't win, whatever you do. My daughter had a dress-up day at school where they had to dress as what they wanted to be when they grow up. Mine dressed as a civil servant 'like daddy'. Never mind that mummy is a civil servant, too.

(I was horrified. Thank god she's now changed her career aspirations and wants to be an art teacher. )

RetiredDJ · 22/02/2012 10:54

If it helps, until I was about 7 years old I used to ask my parents if I could swap my Dad for my friend's Dad because she had more toys than me and in my mind if I had my friend's Dad I'd have more toys.
It didn't mean that I wanted my Dad gone. It just meant I wanted more toys with no thought to how my words could hurt others.
I still feel bad about it now and when I brought it up with my parents a few years ago they said they didn't even remeber me saying it.

MsVestibule, the chain of thought that we have as adults simply isn't there for a child. I'm sure there is no malicious intent from your DD. And just because she says one thing, doesn't mean that the underlying implications that an adult would mean are there too. xx

Original poster

MsVestibule · 22/02/2012 11:10

Ah, thanks for your replies! I was only joking, honest. She loves me almost obsessively, and fortunately I have very healthy self esteem .

But it does make me feel better to know that WOHMs are almost as much as a disappointment to their DCs as SAHMs are.

Arf at the thought of a child aspiring to be a civil servant! I worked for a bank, but I have to say, it wasn't my childhood dream.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 22/02/2012 11:13

Yep, you can't win, OP.

My DD is 5 and her only aspiration is to be a mummy. DS is 13 and whilst he does have career aspirations, he also says that all he really wants is to marry, have children and a "family like ours".

Oh well, I suppose we'll save on tuition fees...

But it does also mean that mine and DH's years of undergrad, postgrad and professional training aren't working as the role models we hoped. !

spottyscarf · 22/02/2012 11:23

I still remember being pulled up in front of the class by the teacher age 7ish for saying my mum 'doesn't do anything' during a class about what jobs our parents did. I had to go home and write a list of all the things she did do, then read it out to the class!

spottyscarf · 22/02/2012 11:23

TroublesomeEx · 22/02/2012 11:35

Oh dear spotty! At about the same age I told the teacher that when I grew up I wanted to be a farmer's wife (I still do if truth be told! )

She just said "yes, but what do you want to do?"

I was very at such a silly nonsense question!

Lueji · 22/02/2012 11:36

Folkgirl

My DB wanted to be a builder when he was 5.
He is a doctor now.

So, there is still hope for your DD.

And those are very good aspirations by your DS.

manicinsomniac · 22/02/2012 11:41

Sadly, kids are just like that aren't they!

I have two friends who are married and both teachers in the same school with an equal level of seniority. The husband works longer hours due to extra curricular commitments but they both have essentially the same job.

When their daughter was 3 she told the wife "when I'm big I'm going to be a worker in Daddy's school. Just like you Mummy"

Wife was livid! Husband thought it was hilarious!

fabwoman · 22/02/2012 11:48

When my son was four he wanted to be a burglar or a nanny.
When my other son was 2 he wanted to be a cat.
My daughter wants to be an author, artist, mountaineer, archeologist, single mother (ie not marry at all but wants to adopt a baby.)

LizzieMo · 22/02/2012 12:01

My dd wanted to be a turtle when she was 4. My other one seems to have no concept of an actual job, she just wants to drive a Smart Car and own a dog (which I will have to look after when she goes on holiday, apparently) I daresay they will both settle to something one day!!

stealthsquiggle · 22/02/2012 12:06

LOL at Spotty's feminist teacher - good for her.

I have the same issue with DC's perceptions of relative importance of Mummy and Daddy's jobs. DH and I work at a similar (senior, but not board level or even close) level in different companies, but DD (5) is adamant that Daddy is the boss and Mummy has a boss .

I have less than no idea what she would choose as if asked to dress as her career choice. DS (9) wants to be a scientist/engineer/entrepreneur - not sure how you dress for that one either. I remember my DB wanted to be Prime Minister, but only on Thursdays (there were other things that he was going to be on other days).

mamadoc · 22/02/2012 12:11

My friend and her DH are both Drs in the same hospital and yet her DS aged 4 in reception told the teacher that 'daddy works at the hospital and makes people better who are really sick.... I don't know what mummy does!'

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 22/02/2012 13:03

lol @ fabwoman, those are some very interesting aspirations!

Harecare · 22/02/2012 13:06

folkgirl me too!!! Then I wanted to be a coalman so I could be dirty all day.

TroublesomeEx · 22/02/2012 13:10

am actually very jealous of 'farmers wives'.

I imagine that I'd spend my days baking bread, making pies and jams and sewing... until my gorgeous, rather rugged husband came back from tilling the land and swept me off my feet.

I don't want to hear that it isn't like that.

CockyPants · 22/02/2012 13:13

Dd insists she is going to have 3 children when she is 12.
she's 5.5 at the mo.

Shall I stop paying private school fees now??

TroublesomeEx · 22/02/2012 13:15

Nah, just sue the school. They're clearly not aiming high enough!

UptoapointLordCopper · 22/02/2012 13:23

Having a very dull day and endlessly cheered up by little children wanting to be cats and turtles when they grow up.

BabyGiraffes · 22/02/2012 13:30

My dd wants to have lots of babies as soon as possible.... She's 4.5 so I hope she may come up with other career aspirations.
She is also furious that she cannot go to after school care because as a SAHM I refuse to pay extra for her to stay at school longer. She often moans I am picking her up too early! (Home with me must be very boring )

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