Disappointed in DH as a father

[Nyneve]

Our DD is 14 months old. We were living abroad when she was born and moved back to the country a few months ago. DD is a beautiful, loving and funny little girl. She has never been a good sleeper (3 wakings a night, still, after an episode of controlled crying which I had sworn we would never try). My DH has been a pretty good changer of nappies and will always do whatever he is asked to do for her. That is the issue though. It all seems mechanical. He tells me (when prompted) that he loves her but has always had to be asked or prompted to respond to her in a naturally affectionate way. As a tiny baby he would just stare at her blank faced (so naturally she would get bored and cry for me). When changing nappies he was so methodical that it took ages and she screamed. He was defensive and couldn't see why he should take her feelings into account when he needed to get her clean. Even today when she is a jolly walking and (nearly) talking little button she never goes to him, barely smiles at him and screams if she is handed to him. She is not like this with anyone else - friends, strangers, other family members all get big smiles and cuddles - and it seems clear to me that she is picking up on his ambivalence. I have talked to him about this but (as above) he swears that he does love her. AIBU to expect him to be warmer towards his child?

She's only 14 months!!! Give the poor man a chance before you are officially 'disappointed'!!

Is he normally a smiley, chatty man? ( with you, friends, family)

Whats he like with you? Does he find it hard to be emotional at all?

perhaps he's not a 'baby' type. He's done jolly well if so. Give him a break, poor guy. Lay off him and wait a bit (or a lot).

Do you think he loves her? Does he have difficulty expressing affection towards other people? Did you have a difficult pregnancy/birth? How is his mood generally? Does he have much time alone with her? Do they do any activities together? Do you have other children? Sorry for all the questions but I think we need to know more.

I think that your post is really sad. Your DH sounds like a good father. I think you are ruining his confidence and making him feel inadequate.

Relationships take time to build and you need confidence for sponenacity. Prehaps your DH is scared witless of "doing it wrong".

Babies at this age tend to bond with one person. You lo is probably picking up on your completely unfounded anxieties.

What ReallyTired said. There's nothing more annoying that constantly being criticised for what you do/don't do as a parent. It's equally annoying to have every little miniscule 'marvel' pointed out to you... I'd switch off too.

I think you might be in danger of transmitting your disappointment of your DH to your daughter - that would be a very big mistake.

How much time does he spend with her on his own? Do you ever go out for the day and leave them to it? Perhaps he's not really 'comfortable' with her and sort of shuts down?

It is possible to read too much into the fact she doesn't like being held by him -- my DS (22 months) will go through phases where he pushes my DH away, even though he's really a terrific father (SAHD)

He may also perk up when she's older and interacting more.

I think YANBU to be disappointed but you need to get to the root of things.

Considering all the posts on MN about fathers who are violent/ abandon their kids/ won't lift a finger to do anything to help with the kids, then I think he is doing well. Maybe he is just not as overtly affectionate as you. Maybe he will become more affectionate as she gets older and they can interact more. I agree with the others though that you need to leave him alone to manage his own relationship with his daughter, not your expected version of it.

I agree with springdaffs, perhaps he'll be better when she's a bit older and better able to communicate?

My DP bonded really well with our first DC, our DD who is now 3.5yrs, I'm thinking partly because she was our first and she was premature so perhaps that protective instinct kicked in.

However he's bonded less immediately to our son, who is 9months. DS has been BF since birth (our DD was FF so she could be left with DP to look after her, can't do that with DS) and is definitely a mummy's boy. I think my DP felt excluded. However DS is crawling, trying to walk, generally more animated. He'll reach out for DP to be picked up and crys when he goes out to work.

Maybe their relationship will flourish later on? I think you do need to encourage a bond rather than berate him. Has he not had much experience of babies and young children?

Is he generally an affectionate, caring type person? If he's not, then you may be expecting to much of him. He will not change who he is just because he has a child.

It's sad that you seem to have questioned his love for her.

I think he probably just finding it hard to relate to a small little girl, but that doesn't make him a bad Dad. Parenting goes through a lot of phases as children get older, and there may well come a time in the future when he handles some aspect of parenting better than you. Think about how you would feel if you weren't handling one of those phases as well as he was and he questioned your love and relationship with your child.

Has he got aspergers or might he have it? Postnatal depression? Men do get it you know?

OP - YANBU to worry that your husband is emotionally unresponsive to your child. If a woman was behaving like this we'd suspect an attachment disorder. Particularly the blank face, which is something we know babies can find extremely distressing.

I've got a friend whos DH was like this intil baby got to about 2 and then their relationship got loads better. YABU, it would break my heart.

YABU. Your DH says he loves your DD and he does do things for her. Don't criticise him just let him get on with parenting in his own way and also encourage him. A lot of children bond more with one parent than the other.

I think I probably am being unreasonable and have been trying to be as supportive as I can as whatever the issue is it definitely isn't his fault. I think it is possible that my expectations were heightened because my own father is instinctively really good with babies - and in fact pretty much all the men in DDs life are. That is not DH's fault of course. He is very affectionate with me which is another reason why it has surprised me that he has struggled with DD. She is our first baby and so I have nothing else to compare it to. No problems with the birth and all well (other than the sleeping). I simply have to give him more time. Thank you for all of your views - all appreciated.

I think it's only an 'issue' because you're judging him

Give him more time for what?

This is him being a Dad

There is no right or wrong in the situation that you describe.

Did he want to have children or did he go along with it?

XH did not bond with DS1. It was hellish. He had bonded with DD, so I knew he was behaving oddly. But it was very much as you describe, mechanical, staring etc.

They have a good relationship now DS1 is 6, but a large part of our relationship ending was the way he was with him. (I KNOW it wasn't his fault. Nobody would blame a woman for failing to bond with a baby. And DS1 has mild ASD which was very pronounced as a baby/ toddler - he was tricky to get to know.)

SO YANBU to feel the way you do., IMO, because I remember raging that he didn't love my precious child. God, it was an awful feeling.

YWBU to let it go further.
Be careful. Don't micromanage. If she screams, be busy or somewhere else. He will have to deal then.

Well it may not be his fault but that doesn't mean there won't be repercussions to it, if he is really emotionally unresponsive to the point of a blank face.

My own dad was like this with me and my brother, he simply does not express emotion. It led to a lot of problems in our relationships growing up and it wasn't really until I was an adult that we had a good relationship. I simply never felt that he actually loved me or cared about what happened to me. As an adult, I can rationalise the way he is, but as a child that was very difficult.

OP you didn't answer my question about how much time he spends with her on his own. If it's not much, I really think that would help a lot. Good luck!

Well I think if he´s affectionate with you OP, there´s no reason to think that he wouldn´t be with your baby.

And I think that 14months is plenty of time to be spontaneously affectionate to your own child!

OP, I think you've had some quite harsh replies. Yes, given some of the shit experiences on here, him seeming a bit emotionally vacant currently is nothing, however, compared to your (shared?) expectations, his presentation is currently not what you anticipated. And I can see why that might worry you.

However, I do think some valid points have also been made. My DH was brilliant with DD functionally - he did change nappies, he did feed, he did get her dressed, he did play with her... of course he did, he is her parent as much as I am, however, he did seem to lack... empathy, I suppose, with her. So when changing her nappy, he approached a bit of stubborn poo on her bits, in the same way he might approach some dried on food on a pan - if a wipe doesn't work, have a bit of a scrub! That upset her, he couldn't see that his action might have caused that...

But then I spent more time with her than he did. I had 7 months maternity leave. He had constant daily updates as he was out of the house for 10 hours a day working. He felt under constant scrutiny when at home and took any 'suggestion' or 'guidance' from me as a criticism.

I just backed off. Yes, he made some mistakes - often the same ones I'd already made, but he needed to learn from his own mistakes rather than mine.

I went away for the week when she was nearly 1 and when I came back he was a totally different parent.

CrunchyFrog is right, don't micromanage.

Just wanted to c&p you a bit (below) on how babies respond to disengaged signals from caregivers - might help explain your dd's antipathy to your husband.

"Pediatrician T. Barry Brazleton has shown that there is a certain set rhythm to the social interactions of mothers and babies. They engage (what we often call "play"), then the baby cuts out and has down time, and then they start up again. The baby is designed to participate in this inter-personal tango (and so are adults), and mothers quickly know that something is wrong if the baby doesn't connect with her.

Experiments years ago by Jeffery Cohn and Edward Tronick of Children's Hospital in Boston also showed that babies have a natural distrust of even their most trusted caretakers when the social rules are not followed. Mothers were instructed to not respond when the baby reached to get her attention for a little one-on-one interaction. Instead, mothers looked back at the baby with a blank face and didn?t move. Aghast, the babies kept trying for a while and then gave up, went limp and turned away.

More startlingly, when the mothers were told to engage again, the babies refused, at first, to pay attention. They just didn?t trust someone who ignored the rules of engagement, even for a minute. "

Honestly I think your DH could do with some guidance and support to help him and your dd enjoy each other more, and to nurture their relationship. Maybe read this together: here

Thanks all. He hasn't has very much time with her on his own - partly due to our circumstances which haven't allowed for it.

FolkGirl, your situation sounds so similar. I will definitely try not to micromanage and back off. A bit of extra sleep will probably help both of us too :)

Make yourself unavailable so he can't sense you tensing up when he gets it a bit not the way you would do it 'wrong'!

Round by us there are Saturday morning yoga/music/art classes specifically for dads and babies. See if there's anything like that round by you. I just think we spend so much time with them at home that we just rub along nicely together and pick up on the 'dance' that shagmund mentioned. If DH's are out working then we can have such high expectations of what they will do in the little time they do have together.

My week away was brilliant - I left a perfectly groomed family and a tidy house and came back to a pile of ironing, a slightly dishevelled family but lots of photos/videos of trips to the park, cakes being baked and they had a great time. I very much doubt he did very much the way I would, but that's ok because my way is my way and his way is his. He'd booked the week off work and it was the summer holidays so 2 children all to himself. They loved it!

Send them out to the park together, or get your hair done when they're in the house alone together.

I think that's a really good idea, FolkGirl, OP giving the time for the dad to have independent - and free - contact with his daughter. He might just feel very 'silly' interacting with her under a watchful eye. I know a few people who are daft and silly on their own with their kids, dogs, whatever but really staid and stilted if they think someone's judging them.

I apologise in advance though.... I did properly laugh at your description of your husband scrubbing stubborn poo off your daughter... it sounded funnier than it is, of course.