Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disappointed in DH as a father

47 replies

Nyneve · 22/02/2012 09:51

Our DD is 14 months old. We were living abroad when she was born and moved back to the country a few months ago. DD is a beautiful, loving and funny little girl. She has never been a good sleeper (3 wakings a night, still, after an episode of controlled crying which I had sworn we would never try). My DH has been a pretty good changer of nappies and will always do whatever he is asked to do for her. That is the issue though. It all seems mechanical. He tells me (when prompted) that he loves her but has always had to be asked or prompted to respond to her in a naturally affectionate way. As a tiny baby he would just stare at her blank faced (so naturally she would get bored and cry for me). When changing nappies he was so methodical that it took ages and she screamed. He was defensive and couldn't see why he should take her feelings into account when he needed to get her clean. Even today when she is a jolly walking and (nearly) talking little button she never goes to him, barely smiles at him and screams if she is handed to him. She is not like this with anyone else - friends, strangers, other family members all get big smiles and cuddles - and it seems clear to me that she is picking up on his ambivalence. I have talked to him about this but (as above) he swears that he does love her. AIBU to expect him to be warmer towards his child?

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 22/02/2012 12:36

Grin He didn't quite resort to a sponge scourer at least!

imnotmymum · 22/02/2012 12:38

It took mine 3 children to open up- number 4 and the floodgates opened !! I think men generally better when kids older and they can talk !!

imnotmymum · 22/02/2012 12:39

the kids that is not the men !!talk i mean

AThingInYourLife · 22/02/2012 12:44

Why do you think you get to tell him how to change nappies and how to look at his own child?

Now you are constantly questioning his love for her. That must feel really great Hmm.

You sound like a bossy, overbearing nightmare.

It doesn't sound to me like there is anything wrong with his parenting, but a great deal wrong with yours.

Let your daughter and her father develop their own relationship without having to answer to you and your "disappointment" all the time.

diddl · 22/02/2012 13:19

Well I think that I must be reading a different OP to some as my impression is that this father rarely, if ever, interacts with his child.

I was a SAHM & did the majority of the baby/childcare, but my husband talked to them-from babies when he changed nappies/dressed/bathed them.

In the evening on getting home it would be a quick kiss & "hello love" for me & then straight to the baby/toddler for cuddles/play for the rest of the evening.

I thought that this was what most Dads did.

"AIBU to expect him to be warmer towards his child?"-No!

AThingInYourLife · 22/02/2012 13:40

"As a tiny baby he would just stare at her blank faced (so naturally she would get bored and cry for me)."

I guess I must be a shit mother then, because when DD1 was tiny I spent hours staring at her.

Whether my face was blank or not I guess was in the eyes of the (judgemental) beholder.

Sometimes she cried, but I didn't interpret those cries as a demand for another, superior parent.

Also, I think I improved because I didn't live with someone who was constantly "prompting" me to prove that I loved her.

dreamingbohemian · 22/02/2012 13:48

I agree with diddl. If he doesn't really spend that much time with her, and doesn't really interact or show her warmth when he does, I wouldn't say he's 'not doing anything wrong'.

It doesn't mean he's evil or horrid but surely he could do better? If he shows emotion to the OP and others then this isn't a matter of 'oh he's just like that', it means he needs to find a way to open up more with his DD.

Maybe it will happen naturally with time but if I were the OP I would be looking at ways to help it along, primarily by having him spend more time with her on his own. I don't know what your circumstances are but I would really try to manage this if you can.

LeQueen · 22/02/2012 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskyatnight · 22/02/2012 13:58

DH kept DD very much at a distance for a long time (and she was our 2nd and he'd been very affectionate with our 1st). When I (eventually) called him on it he admitted that he was "nervous" of her as she was a girl - he only had brothers and no close girl friends as a child , he didn't "understand" young girls - he reckoned a "girl child" might as well have been an alien.

Once he'd got past the "girlness" of her he was much better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/02/2012 13:59

I feel like that, LeQueen, it's not perfunctory as such but efficient and managed. My husband sounds like yours a bit, he's always ready to be silly and daft and I can never manage it, not spontaneously anyway.. not at all, actually. Shock

chubbleigh · 22/02/2012 14:05

Apparently my Dad couldn't get his head around me until I was conversational. Some people just don't have a 'baby mode'. It wasn't and hasn't ever been a problem.

Careful you don't make it into an issue.

diddl · 22/02/2012 14:09

I find it really hard to "get my head" around changing/bathing/dressing your own baby & not engaging with it at all tbh.

I was never natural with babies/children until I had my own.

How could you not be constantly cuddling/chatting with them?

AThingInYourLife · 22/02/2012 14:15

Where are you getting "not engaging with it at all"?

That's not in the OP, which is just a litany of complaints about the perceived lack of quality of the interactions.

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2012 14:18

is the it you referred to the baby if so that where going wrong not an it but a baby this is a different issue to OP

diddl · 22/02/2012 14:18

"My DH has been a pretty good changer of nappies and will always do whatever he is asked to do for her."

"but has always had to be asked or prompted to respond to her in a naturally affectionate way."

We obviously read things differently.

Ineedadollar · 22/02/2012 14:21

Perhaps he just doesn't enjoy babies all that much? My inlaws are crap, totally crap with babies but become wonderful grandparents once the children are about 2 years old.

MummytoKatie · 22/02/2012 14:29

Agree with Ineed. My dad is not a baby person and although he obviously loved dd he wasn't that "into" her. Until this time he came to visit. Dd is nearly 2 and a good talker and he was mad about her. after the 8th story in a row I had to tell him to stop as he was raising her expectations to high! And poor granny didn't get a look in.

diddl · 22/02/2012 14:31

But it´s his own baby-not someone elses that he doesn´t have to have anything to do with!

AThingInYourLife · 22/02/2012 14:39

"but has always had to be asked or prompted to respond to her in a naturally affectionate way."

We sure do read things differently.

That line chills my blood.

I would really hate to be married to someone who felt compelled to ask/prompt/tell me how to interact with my own child.

You can't ask someone to respond to a child in a natural way.

The very act of asking makes a natural response impossible.

And this "prompting" seems to be frequent and not new.

This is the baby's father. He is willing to do the caring jobs that need doing, and says he loves his daughter.

Maybe if she left him the fuck alone, didn't take the child off him when she cries, and stopped hectoring him constantly about what a shit Dad he is, he'd have a chance to respond to her in his own way.

LindyHemming · 22/02/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cricketballs · 22/02/2012 16:45

my dad has openly admitted to me and my dsis that he didn't really like us when we were babies as he didn't know how to be with us! (he was an only child)

But, when we were able to have a conversation with him then he could relate to that and the relationship completely changed....I'm glad that he has been so honest with us and I have to admit that he is now one of my best friends Grin

New posts on this thread. Refresh page