to ask my friend to ask her child if she did the thing she blamed on my child?

[pinklavender]

We just had new carpet fitting (in beige cost £700) in our living room 2 weeks ago. Last week we have my daughter's closest friend (6 yrs old) around for a day and one of them splashed 2 visible lines of dark purple gel pen on the carpet. When asked who did this they first blamed each other, but at the end my child (5 yrs old) said she did it and said sorry. So I cleaned it while complaining! (fortunately it can be clean with an effort). Then we left the house to my other friend's house. So all that's end..I thought!

But when my husband was home he saw more splash on the wall, lines on sofa and dots all over the carpet, so he had to clean them and had a go with our child again. Then I realised that the splash on the wall was behind where the other girl sat and the lines on the carpet was infront of her. So she must be the one who shaked the pen off causing the splash. If it was my child it must be different direction.

So I called her mother (one of my close friend) to ask her child if she did that. Her dad called my husband straight away...still didn't get the answer though. But after our group of friends knew, they thought we shouldn't tell her parent because it's just the children thing! They thought it was our fault to have a beige carpet and my child for not defending herself.

This girl always damaged my child toys and dolls (some had to be bin) and stained her dresses (she always wanted to wear my child's party dress!) and blamed on my child for all the damage, and my child always took the blame! I never told her parent about the small thing, but she never took any responsiblility of any wrong doing. Untill this time that I thought they should know, but we all to be blamed for that! Her mother is quite reasonable, so we are still ok. But her dad seemed not very happy about this.

I don't know what to do because me and her mum are good friend and her child is my daughter's closest friend too.

Or we should just suffer this in silence???

Hi, I'm back. Thanks for all responses.

Methsdrinker Thanks for letting me know you had similar situation and how you handled it.

I had mentioned the damage dress infront of her mum once when she wanted to wear my child dress again. Her mum told her not to wear my DD dresses again but allowed to wear all the fancy princess dresses (those were for them to play, but this girl always wanted her party dress!). She had tantrum...screeming, crying, hitting and scraching her mum arm! That sorted my child dresses problem, but still not for the doll and toys!

While mum told her off when she did something naughty, her dad always on her side. Once when we were altogether and the children play in the middle of the room, the girl tear silicone doll cloth apart infront of everyone. The thing we heard wasn't an apology but the word of comfort to his child saying it's ok, don't worry. it's just a toy! Not a single word to apologize for tearing my child toy. When they visited our house, she always end up wanting to take my child "thing" home. When she told not to she had tantrum and her dad asked us if she could have my child "thing"!

When her mum said "No", and her dad said "Yes"...I know it will take a long time to sort thing out about the Toys!

To the question why we still have her: Because me and her mum are good friend and the girls seeing each other since they're both babies.

But I started to worry about their relationship if this won't be changed.

To be honest, the reason I told her mum was I thought it's time for her parent to teach her "Responsibility" seriously! I know it's not nice because she wasn't my child, but I thought this thing happened wasn't her fault. She just wasn't told to respect and reponsible!

Stop having this kid round. I wouldn't have a kid that destructive in my house. If the parents ask why you can say you are waiting until she has grown up a bit and is less destructive. I think the first time she destroyed something deliberately and didn't apologise would be the last time she came to our house. She is 6 not 2.
My kids have never had any friends this destructive so I don't view it as normal. Yes they are clumsy and accidentally break things but that is different to deliberately destroying dolls etc. The parents shouldn't be always asking to take your kid's toys home either. You just say "no, she always asks for a toy to take home and I don't want this behaviour to continue."
I just wouldn't have her round though, but then I work part-time and couldn't be bothered with this unnecessary hassle. My kids' friends usually made supervising them easier not harder.
Kids change friends alot at that age anyway. I can't believe this girl is a good influence anyway, she sounds quite bullying. Can you invite a different girl round instead who you like?

The issue is not the child. It's the parenting. Specifically the father. I feel sorry for the mother being constantly undermined and then having to deal with the resulting bad behaviour.

You have a few choices:

1. Just see friend without child.
2. Only see child when you can supervise and keep precious toys away
3. Ignore it and accept a level of breakages
4. Talk to the parents about how their behaviour is causing a problem
5. Cut contact with all of them.

In reality most people will do 1, 3 or 5. Personally I have gone for option 1 in the past but if they are not a dear friend option 5 looks appealing! If they were family, and so more likely to survive the fall out, I'd like to think i'd do 4. But it would probably be 3

You have to make your decision and then not gossip about it to anyone.

Hi PL, this girl does sound destructive!

Years ago a friend of my ds (who was seven at the time) gleefully did a 360° in the bathroom under my very eyes, urinating copiously on bath, toilet lid, sink, carpet, laundry basket, dressing gown and door. He thought it was very funny. His mother was downstairs, a lovely woman but not able to say boo to her own son.

Sadly I had to decide this boy could not come to our house again, he was intolerable in many other ways but this urinating incident sealed the deal. It did mean that I didn't get to see the mum again and soon after that we moved.

Not a lot of help to you but just to say I know your situation is hard. Does your dd even like this girl much? Honestly, she cannot enjoy seeing her things systematically ruined by her "friend"... ask her how she feels about this relationship, and yes, have those general talks about what friendship is supposed to mean etc. If your dd would prefer to be "out" of this relationship then you may have to accommodate that whatever way you can.

The carpet itself is neither here nor there.

Crashdoll we thought about that! A bit strict, but we can't do anything now. Have to live with that carpet until it worn out!

KatieMiddleton I'm considering 1-4. Cannot do 5, because her mum is my good friend.

I thought of not having that girl around my DD again, but our mutual friend said my DD need to deal with this in life. So she shouldn't avoid it but learn to deal with it herself, in which I agreed. I don't want my chid to be a softy one. I want her to be strong and can stand up for herself, but the problem now is she's too soft!

I disagree with your friend. Why would you deliberately allow a bully round to play with your child? Why do primary school kids have to "deal with it". As an adult I deal with destructive overbearing people by spending as little time with them as possible.
If when your daughter is a teenager she still has difficulty with overbearing people it may be worth looking at the issue, but I don't invite adults round my house who will destroy my stuff so I can learn to "deal with it" so why should we inflict this sort of stuff on our kids? Your child should feel in charge of what happens when hosting guests in her house, even at age 6. You shouldn't be being bullied in your own house.

Check friends child for any suspicious number like markings on her head

My son age 15 is still a bit of a softy. He deals with it by avoiding aggressive kids and mixing with a more geeky crown who are like him. He can now stand up for himself, but he learned that by developing his own personality and interests, not having a kid come round his house and trash his stuff. If I let a kid do that I would feel I was reinforcing the idea that walking all over my son and trashing his stuff was OK. One perfectly acceptable way of dealing with bullies is to avoid them, especially when only 6, until you develop more self confidence. You don't develop self confidence by constantly being walked over.

unobtanium I feel sorry for you...and the bathroom! That must be very frustrated!

I just asked her feeling about her friend this morning! I can't believe she still like her and want to play with her! I asked if she like when her friend did this, did that. She said no, no, no. But when asked if she want to play with her, she said yes!

I told her we will invite her close friends at school around sometimes. Just hope that will help her to forget about her other friend.

I think next time she is round just have a pointed conversation with both children to the effect of 'you are not allowed to play with the gel pens today' and we are going to look after the toys'.

YABU to get upset over beige carpet - accidents happen when kids are around. As do accidents with clothes/toys - although it does seem to occur quite frequently with this other girl.

Also, you initially said this other girl was your DD's closest friend and most recently have said you are good friends with her mum and DD has known other girl since they were babies. Is it a case of perhaps your DD and other girl are not best friends but only friends because you put them together?

I would suggest you supervise your DD and other girl more thoroughly when they have playdates and encourage your DD's play dates with other friends. Your DD might only be agreeing to play dates with other girl because she knows you and other mum are such good friends - and you have already said DD is a bit meek.

I had a brand new pale carpet once and dh dropped a pint of Guinness on it. It'd only been down a week I wouldn't leave him or dc unsupervised near new furnishings.

I do sympathise. Not much you can do other than already advised ie supervise messy stuff and not have them back if it's a continual problem re damage.

Young children and stuff being broken is going to happen but I have noticed over the years that some visiting friends (and their parents too) have appeared pretty unbothered about breakages, especially with dc's toys. I used to get dc to put special ones away before certain people arrived.

This girl and your dd are only 5 and will in all probability cool off the friendship over time anyway once they get more established at school. I have friends whom I still see, but our dc are not really in contact anymore despite many times when we used to meet up when they were younger.

No-one should feel obliged to be friends with someone just because because their parents/children are. Why don't you meet your friend in the evening for a drink/cinema etc instead and steer your friendship with her onto a more adult footing rather than basing your meetups round the girls. That way you won't have to keep having the olther girl round so much.

2rebecca I did feel that "walking over my DD" when thing happened everytimes.

She seemed to avoid aggressive kids and play with softy type like her at school and in the playground. Normally she will walk away from friend who's so bossy telling her to do that do this (I saw it!) But when it come to this friend she always let she "walked over her" (that's really how I feel). And I got more frastrated when her dad don't do anything about it (when he's there).

Yesterday, out of the blue she asked me why she can't be "mummy" (in pretend play) with this friend. She said she was "daddy" everytime and it's not fair. I told her to say that to her friend next time they play. She said "can you tell her mummy"!

I would severely limit the times you invite this child to play with your DD, and I would be doing all of the meet ups either at their house or on neutral territory from now on. I would also be inviting other people to come round or meet up more often so your DD has time with other children who aren't such extreme company. This child is destructive and it sounds like her parents are pandering to her. If you like the girl's mum you could always suggest the two of you meeting up while the kids are at school.

Not sure about other parents on here but if a child misbehaves this badly in my house I would have no qualms about telling them off it their parents weren't there or they weren't parenting themselves. Comforting a child who has just destroyed my child's toy would not go down well at all.

You were very optimisitic buying a light coloured, expensive carpet! Obviously you won't be allowing pens and such on it again.

She is getting to an age where she will start to notice what makes a good friend and what makes a not so great friend. Invite some softies round to play!

It sounds that given the choice your dd wouldn't gravitate towards this girl or choose her as a friend. I think you are mistaking the fact that they are together a lot and always have been as being 'close friends'. Not necessarily.

I would allow dd the choice in giving the girl a wide berth without any feelings of remorse. She sounds somewhat dominated by her. Maybe she would welcome a change of friends. She may feel she has to have her in her life because it has always been the case.

I'd be encouraging her in different directions if it were me. As I said before, there's no reason why you can't still be friends with the mum, but your dd sounds like she needs a break from it.

pinklavender, you describe this girl's mother as a good friend - why haven't you brought this up with her yet? In a "Look, this has been bothering me lately - etc" kind of way.

I think the gel pen thing is a bit of a red herring,as it might have been a complete accident (I once coated an entire room in pink sticky medicine aged about 4,as I shook the bottle.My mother was so angry that I remember it still).The main issue is that you feel she doesn't respect your dds things,so I would talk to her next time she comes round.Say "I have told dd that she needs to be careful with other people's things,so I'm asking you to do the same while you play here,as both of you got pen all over the carpet last time(you could laugh at this with them in a friendly but firm way)so NO MORE BROKEN TOYS or mess please".I would think that would do it,you do have a right to basic house rules,and as long as you say it in a kind engaging way then she should get the message. The problem seems to be that her father lets her do anything and isn't teaching her to be kind and thoughtful of other people.

Beige carpet = a 6yo

I thought beige walls were bad enough. Whatever you do Op, never, ever, invite dd2 to your house. She has a seemingly irresistable urge to draw monkies on anything remotely paper coloured, including beige and magnolia and oak flooring.

Bleach and I have become very well aquainted recently. Thank god for washable paint.

BendyBob You have the point! "She may feel she has to has her in her life" I didn't think about that.

Try to keep it between yourselves in future. It all sounds so excessive - you phoned her, her dp phoned your dp, all your other friends are shoving their tuppence worth in...
You haven't splashed it all over Facebook as well, by any chance?
It's hard to believe rational adults really live their lives in this way.

Her mother seemed to know her DD well and intervened when something happened insight by telling her DD off.

If her dad was there too my friend (the girl's mum) would be the one who got told off by her husband to stay out of children play! Me and my husband were just STUN!

let it go and either ban chidren with pens etc in the living room or buy lots of carpet cleaner- beige what were you thinking ???