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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my friend to ask her child if she did the thing she blamed on my child?

75 replies

pinklavender · 21/02/2012 23:08

We just had new carpet fitting (in beige cost £700) in our living room 2 weeks ago. Last week we have my daughter's closest friend (6 yrs old) around for a day and one of them splashed 2 visible lines of dark purple gel pen on the carpet. When asked who did this they first blamed each other, but at the end my child (5 yrs old) said she did it and said sorry. So I cleaned it while complaining! (fortunately it can be clean with an effort). Then we left the house to my other friend's house. So all that's end..I thought!

But when my husband was home he saw more splash on the wall, lines on sofa and dots all over the carpet, so he had to clean them and had a go with our child again. Then I realised that the splash on the wall was behind where the other girl sat and the lines on the carpet was infront of her. So she must be the one who shaked the pen off causing the splash. If it was my child it must be different direction.

So I called her mother (one of my close friend) to ask her child if she did that. Her dad called my husband straight away...still didn't get the answer though. But after our group of friends knew, they thought we shouldn't tell her parent because it's just the children thing! They thought it was our fault to have a beige carpet and my child for not defending herself.

This girl always damaged my child toys and dolls (some had to be bin) and stained her dresses (she always wanted to wear my child's party dress!) and blamed on my child for all the damage, and my child always took the blame! I never told her parent about the small thing, but she never took any responsiblility of any wrong doing. Untill this time that I thought they should know, but we all to be blamed for that! Her mother is quite reasonable, so we are still ok. But her dad seemed not very happy about this.

I don't know what to do because me and her mum are good friend and her child is my daughter's closest friend too.

Or we should just suffer this in silence???

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/02/2012 23:50

Yes but maybe you're DD is telling the truth because they both shook the pens (as you do when you use them) Confused

Either way, it's too separate problems in my opinion

If the child was that bad you shouldn't have had her over.

Eaglewings · 21/02/2012 23:52

It's life.
Thankfully it's not the end of the world but it may be the end of the friendship

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2012 23:52

*two Blush

methsdrinker · 22/02/2012 00:01

Okaygrrl I wasn't coming back at you

Its was amber leaf comment that struck me as it appears to expect that 6 year olds should be followed.

in the comment "as you were presumably supervising?"

probably she didn't mean it that way but I am in the unreasonable part of MN so that the way I am taking it. Wink

Original poster
pinklavender · 22/02/2012 00:03

Thank you all for your comments. I really need that. It keep annoying my head for many days. I need both advice and a kick in the head to clear this issue off my head. (Actually my hubby need a kick in the head too for having this beige carpet!) Oh worse...we got beige sofa as well!!! T_T

I am going to bed now but will check this out again tomorrow. Thanks.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 22/02/2012 01:13

Methsdrinker.

Yes I would expect things like that to be supervised to an extent, its what they were using rather than the age of the children, although 6 is not exactly 12 is it?!

The context of me saying it in my last post was that it was the OPs home and she should have been aware of what they were doing.

Beige/cream carpet is never a good idea with children TBH, I had a lovely carpet throughout my house like that- never again!

Bogeyface · 22/02/2012 01:22

To answer the Op and not to have a go about using gel pens by a beige carpet Hmm

This girl sounds like a PITA and not much of a friend to your DD. She breaks her stuff, ruins her clothes and then gets your dd to lie to take the blame (how? bullying?). I wouldnt have such a nasty child in my house and given that her father is not happy at your suggestion her DD is less than perfect, I can see how she got like that.

In future I would suggest you meet your friend away from your houses and dont babysit or have play dates unless your friend is there and you stay in the same room as the kids.

Jux · 22/02/2012 01:41

Get a piece of vynil flooring and they can mess about on that when you get the pens, paints, play doh, clay out. It's not too expensive for an off cut big enough for both children to work on.

Just remember to move the sofa into another room while they play Wink

KatieMiddleton · 22/02/2012 01:57

Can I suggest some supervision of these children? And a rug/more suitable toys?

I think you sound like you need a hobby. You are getting rather involved in this. Why discuss it with mutual friends? Major over-reaction and quite inappropriate.

JosieZ · 22/02/2012 02:37

DD's friend sounds v sneaky.

Can you encourage DD to invite another friend round instead?

Have sneaky girl less often then over the summer try to replace her with a nice friend.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 22/02/2012 02:43

Holy Cow. You have a very drawn out idea of the deviousness of 5 year olds. Let it go, for goodness sake. These are your friends and their YOUNG CHILDREN!!!

gamerwidow · 22/02/2012 04:52

Maybe have a chat with your DD nd say you shouldn't take responsibility for things you haven't done but definitely do not raise this with the other mother again.
It was an accident let it go or you will risk looking like a loon, you have already made far to much of this incident and I can't believe you phoned this girl's mother in the first place. It is a bit of mess that washed off why on earth are you still going on about this.

timetoask · 22/02/2012 05:13

At 6 the girls should be old enough to know the consequences of shaking these pens. It sounds like the friend has no respect for other people's possessions (distroying toys etc). I think next time you might want to keep a closer eye on them, but I would let it go this time.

GavisconJunkie · 22/02/2012 07:16

YABU For the love of all that is good

Shook not shaked;
Beige carpet & scribbling children of ANY age don't mix;
You don't KNOW it was deliberate;
Perhaps it's up to you to provide dd with a backbone or accept that she's meek;
I'd say pour you & hubby a glass of wine & relax your facial muscles. Not right now actually, & probably best if it's not red!

Chandon · 22/02/2012 07:24

Gaviscon, no need to correct the OP's spelling, I think she is not a native English speaker (nor am I by the way)

OP, this sort of thing can be annoying but I would let it go.

I would ask my DD about it very calmly, maybe she does take the blame, maybe not.

And next time supervise a bit more (my DS1's best friend is a trouble maker so play dates are hard work with him...some kids are easy, others aren't)

TubbyDuffs · 22/02/2012 07:29

If playing with pens/paints/anything messy do not allow in room with beige carpet, get them at the kitchen table.

I wouldn't have phoned the parents about it, I think that was OTT to be honest; what exactly did you expect them to do about it?

You live and learn. Wink

crashdoll · 22/02/2012 07:51

I would suggest these to be your new rules:

1.) Gel pens/felt tips/whatever are only to be used on the table/kitchen floor/washable surface.
2.) No food/drinks and arts/crafts in the room with all the beige.

May I also suggest:

1.) A big rug for the new carpet
2.) A throw over the sofa.

Eaglewings · 22/02/2012 08:12

Hope you slept well and manage to sort this out with your friend
Your daughter will have seen you cleaning it up, I'd leave it with her now

cory · 22/02/2012 08:47

at that age I would have taken the blame if I thought there would be consequences to a guest concerning an accident that happened at our house

and I would not have done it because I was manipulated by my friends or had unhealthy friendships, but because I would have felt embarrassed about my mum's reaction and responsible for any guest that came to the house for me- as a good host should

if you hosted an adult party and found coffee stains on the carpet later, would you hold an enquiry afterwards?

Lightofthemoon · 22/02/2012 09:06

Just put a sign by your front door that says:

Any damages whilst visiting will be paid for. Responsibility of any damage will be assigned by the homeowner and not the guest. Guests must leave a £500 deposit when entering the home which will be refunded after the visit has ended and a full inspection of the property has determined no damage has occurred.

That should sort out any future issues.

nowittynamehere · 22/02/2012 09:10

YABU and i think not wanting to blame your 5 yr old ,its cleaned you left 2 children with gelpens near a biege carpet , i dont think its worth getting in a flap about and blaming them let it go its over with and nexttime put them at the kitchen table with pens ,

Bucharest · 22/02/2012 09:20

Am loving the "from where she was sitting and the direction of the splash".

It's just like CSI.

Call Grisham! He can feckle some insect eggs out of the gelpen residue and hatch them and then we'll know down to the last second who the perp really was!

Bucharest · 22/02/2012 09:22

PS I'd hazard a guess that a bit of gelpen splosh came from the other girl, and a bit from your (I'm quite sure otherwise totally angelic) daughter.

That's usually the way these things pan out when you put 2 young girls, some pretty pens and a beige carpet in a room and then go off and do your own thing.

MrsBeakman · 22/02/2012 09:41

I do have sympathy with you over this. We have some friends whose kids always damage stuff when they come over. The most recent is that there is a big run in the stair carpet where a big piece of wool has obviously been pulled out quite hard. When other kids of the same age come over, we don't have big damage like this. When my kids are on their own, there is all the normal stuff, but it goes up to a whole different level of damage when these two come over. I haven't blamed anyone as i don't have proof, but it is very annoying that stuff gets damaged so much when these two come over and not when other kids do. I don't feel i can trust them. It sounds like you have the same problem with this little girl and yes it's annoying and yes you do start to automatically assume it is them after a while. You get fed up with all the damage.

MrsBeakman · 22/02/2012 09:46

Also i think there is a difference between accidental damage done in the course of playing and damage that is done sneakily and on purpose as i feel is the case with the two boys who visit us and as it sounds like is the case with the girl you are writing about.

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