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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

was IBU to make a comment about DP's past effecting our future?

39 replies

Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 21:40

Oh I probably was but here goes! DP and I have been together 1.5 yrs, living together for 3 months. He has one DD from his marriage. We have been having money problems, I had to pay all of the deposit on our house, have paid all of the rent and bills since we moved in together. I don't mind too much as this was what was agreed for a few months so he could do up his house and rent it out. But now I have to pay again next month because he can't afford it and I have all the final bills from my old house to pay. I can't really afford all of them. So to day I made a snidey comment when he was talking about his old house, I said 'why did you buy a house with a huge kitchen when neither your or your EXW can cook?', he went mental! I begrudge paying sometimes because he and his EXW chose to buy a house that they couldn't afford, they had to have three bedrooms when they only have one child. They spent a fortune on furniture they didn't need. I feel like they wanted a 'magazine' life and borrowed loads to live like that but I am the one paying for the fall out. He owes his parents £30,000 because of their wedding, honeymoon and his EXW MH issues. I am ruining my credit rateing because of all they money he and his EXW spent on their life. We can't entertain having our own DC for years because of money and I want a baby so so much. So am IBU to get annoyed or am I a jealous cow? Sorry no paragraphs stupis phone won't do it!

OP posts:
LaBoccaDellaVerita · 21/02/2012 21:42

Sounds like hell to me. What's in it for you?

Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 21:43

A man I love more than anything

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/02/2012 21:48

Maybe he went mental because he knows you are right. YANBU to point out you are having to pay for his past but maybe you could have expressed yourself a little better.

I know you can't help who you fall in love with but you have saddled yourself with a big problem.

LineRunner · 21/02/2012 21:48

Why do love more than anything a man whose whole lifestyle, life, prospects and 'going mental' is making you so unhappy?

Love yourself a bit more?

radiohelen · 21/02/2012 21:49

It's clearly an issue for him cos that comment is not too snidey! Certainly didn't warrant him going mental.
You need to have a chat about finances and how it's going to work in your relationship. There need to be clear boundaries and agreement on who is responsible for what. He needs to contribute something other than love to your home.

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 21/02/2012 21:50

What linerunner said

troisgarcons · 21/02/2012 21:51

I am ruining my credit rateing because of all they money he and his EXW spent on their life

YOU are ruinging YOUR credit rating - if YOU have taken on more than YOU can afford to pay.

McHappyPants2012 · 21/02/2012 21:53

Unless he lied to you about debts yabu, you knew what you was getting into before buying a home together

OurPlanetNeptune · 21/02/2012 21:53

Love yourself a bit more? So true.

His past is his past. He cannot change that. You are completely responsible for the decisions you make now.

pictish · 21/02/2012 21:53

Hmm...seems a total bum deal for you.
Even more worrying, is that when you express displeasure in receiving the shitty end of the stick, perpetually - he goes mental. He must surely see that this arrangement is completely unfair?

Having said that - there's not a lot he can do about yesterday. Perhaps you have moved in together at a bad time. It certainly doesn't seem to be sustainable does it?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 21/02/2012 21:54

Sorry, but the choices he made back then are no worse than the choices you are making now. You are in no position to criticise what he and his ex did when you are doing this to yourself.

Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 21:55

I didn't really realise all of his money problems untill we started the moving in process. I think he went mental because he is stressed about it and also is feeling a little less of a 'man' at the moment and I just pushed the wrong button at the wrong time. I know he doesn't sound like a catch! I really want to sit down and get money sorted but I think he feels a little hopeless about it at the moment.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 21/02/2012 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 21/02/2012 21:56

I wouldn't run myself into a financial ditch for any man. No matter how dreamy.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/02/2012 21:56

Your DP ran up debts with his Ex. He is now not in a position to run up anymore, so you are running up those debts alone. He seems to have a problem with money and a fine knack in getting others into financial difficulties.
Do not be another of his victims.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2012 21:56

If you've decided to take the financial fall out, It's not fair to beat him with that stick.

This is supposed to be a happy time

Don't ruin it by being a martyr or snidey...he can't change the past.

I think you're mad though to ruin your own credit rating

coffeeslave · 21/02/2012 21:57

Just because you're in love with someone doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them (or are even compatible).

Protect yourself financially, seriously.

AThingInYourLife · 21/02/2012 21:58

Well said, IUse

Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 21:59

Some really good points, I am doing the same thing and maybe finding something else to blame aren't I? The house won't be a problem I just need to spead the bills over a couple of months and then it will be fine. I do think a plan is needed

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 21/02/2012 22:01

He should have made you realise the extent of the problem before the moving in process began. He would have done if he had any intention of protecting your financial security, but instead he is choosing to allow you to be dragged down with him.

upahill · 21/02/2012 22:03

You are struggling to pay your bills because of him
You can't have your own children because of him
You are not going to have any disposable money between you for years because of him

Confused

well I know what I would be doing but I guess you don't want to hear it.

pictish · 21/02/2012 22:05

What upahill just said.

TheBigJessie · 21/02/2012 22:05

Dear Lord, why?

He's dishonest, because he didn't openly discuss his debts, and he's going to affect whether you can ever have a family!

LineRunner · 21/02/2012 22:06

I'm agreeing with Dione, here.

TheBigJessie · 21/02/2012 22:07

And frankly, I'd question whether his spending habits have magically changed in between relationships!