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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was IBU to make a comment about DP's past effecting our future?

39 replies

Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 21:40

Oh I probably was but here goes! DP and I have been together 1.5 yrs, living together for 3 months. He has one DD from his marriage. We have been having money problems, I had to pay all of the deposit on our house, have paid all of the rent and bills since we moved in together. I don't mind too much as this was what was agreed for a few months so he could do up his house and rent it out. But now I have to pay again next month because he can't afford it and I have all the final bills from my old house to pay. I can't really afford all of them. So to day I made a snidey comment when he was talking about his old house, I said 'why did you buy a house with a huge kitchen when neither your or your EXW can cook?', he went mental! I begrudge paying sometimes because he and his EXW chose to buy a house that they couldn't afford, they had to have three bedrooms when they only have one child. They spent a fortune on furniture they didn't need. I feel like they wanted a 'magazine' life and borrowed loads to live like that but I am the one paying for the fall out. He owes his parents £30,000 because of their wedding, honeymoon and his EXW MH issues. I am ruining my credit rateing because of all they money he and his EXW spent on their life. We can't entertain having our own DC for years because of money and I want a baby so so much. So am IBU to get annoyed or am I a jealous cow? Sorry no paragraphs stupis phone won't do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:07

I think money can be sorted with careful attention. I have never had money problems before and to be fair compared to a lot of people this probably isn't bad, its not that much. I think I could get it under control in a few months but I am feeling very negative about it at the moment

OP posts:
glamourousgranny42 · 21/02/2012 22:07

This sounds just like my ex. He moved in with me and I later discovered he owed 5 grand to the CSA which he had ignored. When we split after 10 yrs I found out he had an 11 grand credit card bill (god knows what he bought!) 18 months later he now owes 15000 and pretends its not happening. My advice is if you want to be with this man make sure ALL finances are seperate.

greenbananas · 21/02/2012 22:09

Some things are best not said in anger.

However, it probably is a good idea to talk about these things when you are both feeling calm, and for you to make it clear that you do not want to feel you are being walked over in any way.

Don't know about the past affecting the future... I know that people can change, but not everybody does change and you need to be very sure about somebody that you are planning to share the rest of your life with.

I don't want to seem overly critical. My past is certainly not all it should be, and DH also has a very dodgy history indeed (e.g. was a full-time drug dealer in his youth), BUT we had both put our mistakes well and truly behind us a long time before we finally met, and we are very happy together now.

olgaga · 21/02/2012 22:10

You've known this man for 1.5 years, you knew he was heavily in debt, and it's taken just three months of living with you to start to bite the hand that feeds him. I guess you're finally getting to know each other!

You're worried about your credit rating and not being able to afford children? How soon did you expect things to improve if he owes that much money (and that's just the debts you know about).

Take my advice, make absolutely sure you don't fall pregnant.

OurPlanetNeptune · 21/02/2012 22:11

I agree Iuse, it seems from the OP's post important info was held back. Red flag right there. It really does not bode well.

This may sound harsh OP, I'm flabbergasted that you have put yourself in this position.

Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:11

I am not getting joint bank accounts. I know the comment I made was childish. If one partner can be good with money when one is awful, would Ibu to take control of all of the finances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:17

Well the money he owes is to his parents so no interest and an amount that they all agreed would be affordable. He has just rented out his house so for 3 months has been paying the morgage on that at the same time as doing it up. It cost a lot more than he first thought. I was hoping to have it under control in a year. Not paid off that's years away but under control

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OurPlanetNeptune · 21/02/2012 22:19

Ticktock1 great about the bank account not being joined but he needs become financially responsible. The onus really should not be on you to manage the money and him. You have to be a partnership otherwise it really does not bode well.

My cousin is in love with a similarly financial irresponsible man and it does annoy me but to her credit her finances are totally separate from his, and she is financially independent. She states she will not live with him until he becomes better at money management.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 21/02/2012 22:22

Would you mind if I asked how old you both are? Only 'no kids for years' is better at 25 than 35 IYSWIM...

Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:25

I honestly thought at the time it would work out better as both of us were paying for separate houses, council tax, bills ect but just staying with each other all of the time. I thought that moving in together would cut all of that in half. Maybe it will in a few months when all the extra things have been paid for

OP posts:
Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:26

I'm 27 and he is 39 so I think I have a couple of years to get it sorted and do it right

OP posts:
olgaga · 21/02/2012 22:28

Well as long as you keep your accounts and financial affairs separate, and you are happy to subsidise him for as long as it takes, I guess that's fine.

But it doesn't sound like it is fine really - or you wouldn't be getting pissed off with it. It sounds like he's happy for you to pay more than your fair share as long as you don't mention it! Are you comfortable with that?

Just don't think about having children, or take on any financial commitments with him until he is solvent.

And yes, it might be a good idea to deal with the finances. I wonder if he'll allow you to go digging through it all?

Original poster
Ticktock1 · 21/02/2012 22:33

We rent so have nothing we jointly own. Yeah I think he would let me control it more if maybe I approched it more sensitivly than I did earlier! He has since said he is very sorry and should not have shouted at me

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 22/02/2012 00:10

Yeah, well, he knows which side his bread's buttered, don't he?

Sorry OP. I've been burned so many times. I can't stand seeing it happen to others.

So, you made a snidy comment. He deserved it.

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