To think about moving and upset my teen

[redwiner]

I was widowed almost 4 years ago and then last year met a really lovely man with whom I am ecstactically happy. I have a 17 yo daughter who thankfully really likes my new man. She is in 6th form college and will be leaving this summer, she isn't going to uni but wants to get a job. My problem is that my new man lives about 30 miles away (half hour drive/train journey) and I am planning on moving over to his area as he has his own business there so its a lot easier for me to commute than it his for him to move his business, the trouble is my dd is saying she doesn't want to leave her friends here and if I move she will move out and get a flat share. She isn't being nasty about it, she is quite matter of fact, but I don't know if I should just tell her we are moving and thats the end of it, or help her find somewhere to live, or am I just being selfish in uprooting her? I have told her it wouldn't happen for several months yet, after her exams etc and she could just as easily get a job out there as where we are here. I just don't know what to do for the best, any ideas please?

30 miles really is not far..

Can she not learn to drive? 17 is a bit young to be out on your own in the world.. I did it, but I dont recommend it.

Well thats exactly what I think and have said to her. I am paying for her to have driving lessons and have already bought her a little car for when she passes so there is really no reason why she couldn't see her friends. I said if it was the other side of the country it would be a bit different but I think she is just worried about living in another town where she doesn't have anyone on her doorstep that she knows. I would love her to be in agreement as I do think that 17 is really too young to leave home (although I did at 18 as I was very independant-bit like she is) and I don't want to be heavy handed but also don't want to upset her unnecessarily.

agree, 30 miles isn't much. she'd still be able to see her friends a lot.

you can't put your life on hold just because she doesn't want to be a train -ride away from her friends can you?
i would talk it through with her again.
she's plenty old enough to understand that you have every right to be happy and to live with the man you love.

i would imagine that if you did move she would probably come with you. finding a job that earns enough to pay rent/food/bills eve n if you are sharing, is not easy....!

I think you are being a little selfish actually, I don't see why you can't wait a year or so to move in with your man. Your dd will want to move out on her own soon anyway, I wouldn't want to push her before she is completely ready.

I'm speaking as someone who left home at 17 because my Mum seemed to be more interested in her (long term and reasonably nice) boyfriend.

Thank you both, you have both said exactly what I think and feel. I genuinely don't think I am being unfair/unreasonable but I really wanted to hear it from unbiased people. It's difficult because obviously I don't want to upset her but in the same respect in a few years time she'll be off anyway and I may have missed a fantastic opportunity of my own. Thank you again!

I am absolutely not more interested in my new man than my daughter and I think its a little unfair to say that. For a long time now I have given her my undivided attention and everything she wants-within reason- and to move half an hour away is not the end of the world. She would have a much better house there than we currently have, bigger room etc, own en-suite and even if we stayed here and she got a job she wouldn't be able to see her friends during the day anyway as she would be working! She will have her own car, or get a train and her friends would be able to stay with us at weekends if they wanted, just as they do now. I want her to come with me let me stress that, but just if she was adamant that she wasn't going to come I would help her settle somewhere nice. Clearly if she didn't get a job it wouldn't be an issue as she couldn't pay rent, and I have said to her that there would be nothing stopping her moving back this way in a year or two if she still wanted.

I'm not saying that you care more about your man than your daughter, I didn't mean to come across like that at all. I'm an adult now and not a 17year old, and I can see that my Mum didn't care more about her man than me too.

I'm just saying that I felt like she did, and it was hard to deal with after it had just been me and her for such a long time. But obviously I grew up, realised the truth, and my Mum tells me now that she was devestated when I moved out of home. But at the time I was hurt, and I didn't particularly like home all that much with my Mums boyfriend around, especially in comparison to my friends. So I left.

I'm just giving you a personal experience of how I felt in a simelar situation. And personally, I would choose to stay put knowing that my child was likely to be leaving home soon anyway. I dont think this is a situation with only one right answer though, you know your dd better than anyone else. If you feel sure that she won't be hurt by your descison, then you would be doing nothing wrong by moving.

Its very difficult and its true that there's not one right or wrong answer. Since being widowed I have struggled a little with money, not drastically but things are not as easy as they had been when DH was here and its not made easier by DD having friends of 2 parent families who have a lot more than we have. I don't want her to feel that she is missing out on things and so have gone without lots myself to try and keep her as much like her friends as possible. There is no rush for me and the new man to move in together, we are both in our late 40's so not looking to have more children, but since losing my DH I just feel that I should grasp life with both hands and not be a spectator which is why I felt that when DD leaves college would be a reasonable time. Its a tricky situation I will be honest.

why don't you sit down with dd and you can make a big list of all the pros and cons of moving away vs staying?

you both get to talk through ALL the things bothering you about it and get it all out in the open and talk through how things could work out.
maybe you could agree to stay put for the next 6 months and then think about it more seriously? that would give her a longer time to properly think about whether she would want to move out or not?

She has told me that the only reason she wants to stay is for her friends. She and I have a good relationship (most of the time-barring the normal mum/daughter arguments) and she really likes my new man so that isn't an issue at all. It is simply that she doesn't want to be away from her pals. She knows that nothing would happen for at least 6 months as she still has her exams to do and I wouldn't up and rush the minute they were over, so we would be looking at kind of autumn time anyway. I honestly don't think its unreasonable but she is (at the moment anyway) telling me she wants to stay near her friends.

Do you intend to actually move in with him or just near him?

Does he run his business from home? What is his home set up?

We would be moving in with him as he has asked me to marry him which my daughter is happy about (she has even said she would change her surname so we all had the same name), either to the house that he already has or selling both our houses and buying one jointly. He doesn't have children of his own (he had mumps as a child) so no rivalry there. He has a garage/panel beating business which he has built up over the last 25 years or so and is about 2 miles from his house. He lives near the London side of Essex and I live near the suffolk side and it takes longer for him to get to/from my house to his work in peak time than it does me to get to my work from his house, hence why we would move to that side of Essex. It genuinely is all about her friends as she gets on really well with him on all levels.

Maybe stay on long enough for her to find and settle into a job. Say six months as mentioned above. Then she will have an established social life and work and perhaps find friends to share a flat with.

Some of her school friends might have moved on by then anyway if they are job hunting.

Redwinner - well, you know what I would do? I would say for him to rent out his house for a year, move in with you for a year. At the end of the year you can put your house up for sale and start looking near his business. Your DD will be 18, she will have had another 18 months at home and be a confident driver - she can then choose whether to go with you or set up a flat with friends etc. He can do the commute for a year if he loves you both as much as he says he does.

I have tried reasoning with her and saying that in 6-12 months her friends may be in different jobs/at uni etc anyway but she just isn't hearing what I am saying. We are not shouting and arguing but she is just calmly telling me what she wants to do. In truth IF she finishes her exams and manages to get a job with a living wage and still wants to get a flat-share I will help and support her, but what I really want is for her to finish her exams, move with me when the time comes and get a job where we live, that way she will still be able to see her friends here several times a week if she still wants to.

I would say, if she has her mind set on that, let her do it, but always let her know that she has a home with you if she finds it too much of a struggle.

You may find that if you go along with her,help her to look for a place etc then when the time comes make sure she has her room in the new house and involve her in decorating etc,then she will gradually come round to your way of thinking.The chances are that many of her friends will be moving away and the realities of living alone and supporting herself wont hit her till the last minute.

I guess him moving in here for a while is an option, I hadn't really considered that. As I said it does take him a LOT longer to commute to work to/from here than it does for me to commute from his - its just the way the traffic goes- but its not impossible. He is not rushing me over this as he fully appreciates that her schooling comes first - no question- but it kind of takes the edge off my happiness with knowing that I may have problems in a few months time.

I have said to her that I would not stand in her way as I too left home at 18 - no family problems at all I was just very independant. I have said I will support her whatever she wants to do, I just want her to be happy for me and of course ideally move with me. She knows that she will have her own space, I have never crowded her and she knows her friends are always welcome at our house. Whatever she ultimately decides to do she knows I love her and I would hope we would be able to maintain our good relationship and close bond.

I left home at 17. I don't regret it exactly, but I do sometimes wish I'd waited a bit longer so that I would have developed a more adult to adult relationship with my parents whilst still living there. I'm not sure I can explain it very well. I guess I just think she should be given more time 'at home' when home is still where her friends etc are before she has to choose between living with you or her friends (even though you and I know that's not in fact the case - to her it feels like it!).

I completely understand what you are saying about his commute - but I think that if he is as serious about your relationship as you are, then commuting for a year, to give your DD another year to grow up at home, where home is home and her friends are isn't a lot to ask really.

She seems like she's been very accepting of him, your relationship etc and is being very mature about her decision - she's a credit to you :)... but she's still young x

I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide :)

Honestly? I think I'd try and be a litttle bit flexible for your daughter. A lot may change for her in the next 12 months, and a few more months is not awfully long for you to wait. It's not that long really since she lost her dad and the transition to adulthood is a huge one. No-one still at school can imagine what working and being without that institutional support will be like. It's totally outside their realm of experience. She is used to being with her friends a lot, but won't be once weh's working. Asking her to move quite a way away at exactly the same time would be a lot, and could feel like you are deserting her at a difficult time for your new man (no matter whether she actually says this to you or not). Does your home hold memories of her dad for her? Have you lived in the same house for many years? Selling the family home can also be hard, even for grown-up children.

To be honest, it sounds to me like she's being v v mature and sensible in the way she's discussing this with you, so it sounds like you've brought up a lovely young woman. I can completely understand why she might choose to go it alone rather than move in with mum and new man to a new place (possibly his) some 30 miles from where she calls home and has all the emotional support of friends she'll need in the coming months.

You know, she is being really good about things - especially when you consider she lost her dad though an accident when she was just 13. I believe I am entitled to a new life, no question of that, however my daughter is equally entitled to have a happy homelife until she chooses to leave home and I think I will focus on that for the next 6/12 months and at that point, she will be a confident driver and hopefully have a job and new friends and will see that moving a short distance isn't the end of the world.
Thank you so much to everyone for your advice, hearing differing opinons does make you look at things in different ways and I am sure I will make the right choices in the end!

I too think I'd try to be a bit more flexible for her. At the end of the day, another 6 months isn't a lot in the starting of your new life, but it will be a big difference in hers. In the Autumn, you will know if she has a job or not, if her friends are still around or if they've gone off to college, how she stands financially, in terms of paying for a flatshare.
Do you have to sell your house ? That might not be predictable in time scales ? (Sorry if you've already said, I've skimmed through the thread quite quickly)

The thing is though that if she was going to university, she'd be living away anyway. It's no different her staying there and you moving, is it?

She needs to find out what her friends are doing, really. I'd suggest that you should move in the new year. She will have left school for six months then and will know what everyone's doing, where she wants to live, etc. Those six months (hopefully at work) will bring about a maturity that school can't give.

I don't have to sell my house if we move in with him, I would possible rent it out in that case. We are not decided what to do for sure, the house he has is really nice and bigger than mine now but then it would be nice to have something which is ours from the start. As I have stressed before I am not rushing this, but I have always been up front with DD which is what prompted the conversation in the first place and how all this about her not wanting to move came up.Its just, what if she still feels this way in a years time say, then I suppose she would be better placed to make a more informed decision about what she is happy to do depending on her circumstances...ie if she has a job or not.