To think about moving and upset my teen

[redwiner]

I was widowed almost 4 years ago and then last year met a really lovely man with whom I am ecstactically happy. I have a 17 yo daughter who thankfully really likes my new man. She is in 6th form college and will be leaving this summer, she isn't going to uni but wants to get a job. My problem is that my new man lives about 30 miles away (half hour drive/train journey) and I am planning on moving over to his area as he has his own business there so its a lot easier for me to commute than it his for him to move his business, the trouble is my dd is saying she doesn't want to leave her friends here and if I move she will move out and get a flat share. She isn't being nasty about it, she is quite matter of fact, but I don't know if I should just tell her we are moving and thats the end of it, or help her find somewhere to live, or am I just being selfish in uprooting her? I have told her it wouldn't happen for several months yet, after her exams etc and she could just as easily get a job out there as where we are here. I just don't know what to do for the best, any ideas please?

She has told me that she is looking forward to leaving home, not that she isn't happy, because in this respect she is very independant as I was at her age. In fact the other day I took her for a couple of interviews for jobs which would involve her living-in (they were horsey jobs at stable yards quite a few miles away) so she is not fazed by the prospect of living on her own in a flat share. I just don't want it to be because she does it to rebel against me, I want her to leave when she is ready because she actually wants to.

its funny I just read back the last couple of messages I posted and I realised that I think I am being hoodwinked by DD! A week or two ago she wanted to move out to a live-in job working with horses and now she doesn't want to leave this town which she would have done if she got the job with the horses. So in one breath she is happy to move away when it suits her, then when she decides she wants to stay put she tells me she doesn't want to leave. Hmmmmm, I think this may be the fickleness of youth rearing its head.....

I don't think that she would be doing it to rebel against you either way, but I do think there's a big difference between her moving out to Uni/a live-in job or whatever and finding somewhere else to live because she can't live in her home anymore (and although I know she would always have a home with you, it wont be 'her home' as she knows it now will it).

I agree that when you and MrWhatsit do settle down together it would be much better to have a place that is both of yours, but I think for 6 months or a year then him living with you wouldn't be that big of a deal. If you are both really certain this will work out then he could sell his house first - move in with you and see how things go. If DD is settled elsewhere then you could put your place on the market and start looking near his garage. If DD is still at home you could just see how things go for a while, if the commute is getting mad then tell her that you plan to put your house on the market in say 6 months and that you hope she goes with you, but if not you will help her find somewhere to flat etc

I just think she needs more time to decide what she wants to do without having to find a place to rent etc and then she will be stuck and wont really be able to look for live in jobs.

Yes - I did clock that :) That's what I'm saying though, she is at that age where she should be able to dither about what she wants, all the while having the security of a home to do it from. Not a new house, with your new man, in a new town. JMO.

I don't know - I worked with a girl who was 18/19 when her parents moved away from where we lived, and (this is 30 yrs ago) I remember thinking how strange it was that she moved with them. It struck me then (and I still think the same now) that it's an opportunity presenting itself to give the youngster the gentle nudge on the next step in their life.
If your dd was 14 or 15 and pulling a face, I'd say straight away that you are the adult, and she has to move and you shouldn't be swayed by that, but your dd is of an age where - if that's what she'd chosen - she could be moving away to university anyway. It seems a natural time to be moving out (finances permitting), and where better to do that, than surrounded by all the support networks she's known for years ? Much more 'logical' than moving to a place she's not going to know anyone (you and dp aside). I also realise emotions and relationships don't run the same course as 'logic' that often

Kids (IMO) should be able to dip their toes in things (like the live in stable job/doing a ski season) whilst knowing that going home is always an option. Kids leaving home is one thing, parents taking the home away is another.

Decisions you make at pivotal points in your childrens lives stick with them if they provoked a strong emotional reaction. Maybe this is not the case here, but she may be concealing it from you to protect your feelings (and how wonderful that she likes your new partner, wants you to be happy with him and is mindful of your life & feelings too ). I'd just want to be careful of protecting that good relationship and agree with chippingin. Dithering is normal. She's about to go off one of life's cliff edges and has no idea what that will feel like. I also agree that a live-in job is v different to finding a flatshare/living alone. I remember my DB having to start up alone after uni aged 21 and sort himself out with a flat etc in the same town he had been to uni in. Most, but not all, of his friends had moved on and he found it v hard going and lonely, even in a town he already called home. Your DD is much younger and hasn't lived independently at all yet. It would be different maybe if she and a best mate had exciting plans to flatshare that they've been developing for months or something.

You are right, you are entitled to be happy , and you will be. Just don't forget that late teens may be almost grown up, but they aren't quite there yet and still need their parents, especially when they only have one.

All my friends lived that distance in all directions when i was in secondary sccool. clicking the thread i thought you were going to move hundreds of miles away lol.

Although I do feel bad about potentially making a move which may upset/annoy her I do think the fact that its only 30 miles away is pertinant. She is having driving lessons and as I said before its literally a half hour drive or train journey. I am not talking about emigrating or moving to the outer Hebrides or anything, its just the other side of Essex from where we are now and I am just wondering if I have made too much of it now. Should I not just allow things to happen in their own time, around autumn-ish, and just say she has to accept it ?

Where might she go to University? And are many of her peers leaving to University at the same time? I found that we all split up anyway at 18, and meeting up was difficult anyway because of different term times, summer courses, holidays etc. This was pre mobile phone and internet, but we still kept in touch and I probably saw my school friends 2-3 times a year for a few years. 20 years on we're all still close.

She isn't going to uni she is planning on going straight to work. This is why I thought that if we made the move at the end of the summer, or early autumn, it would be ideal because if some of her friends are off to uni she'd lose daily contact with them anyway. To be honest the majority of her friends are not going to uni but are planning on going to work like she is. I have even said that she could work where we are now and easily commute to the new place but its just falling on deaf ears. I think she can't see beyond the here and now-not unusual for a 17 yo- and thinks her life would just continue the way it is now, eg meeting up for coffee in the afternoons etc and when I have tried saying 'but you won't be able to do that anyway as you'll all be at work' she just doesn't get it. In fact one girl did leave school last year and goes to fashion college in London and comes back every couple of weeks at which time they get together so it really doesn't have to be much different from how it is now.

Sorry, I read too fast- you said about not going to University

Gosh its difficult. And without wishing to pour more problems on you, there are very few jobs around for anyone, let alone teenagers. Is she applying now- would she consider applying for jobs in the new location and the current one?

Well thank you lil, this is exactly what I have said. She knows jobs are scarce as she has been applying recently and getting nowhere and I feel that if she limits herself to just where we are she could be missing out. The new place is nearer to London (its Brentwood) and so by at least considering that area, as well as all the places in between..Chelmsford, Braintree etc, she will give herself more options. She is not enjoying college, doesn't really have any idea what she wants to do which is why she isn't going to uni as it would just be running up a massive debt for no real reason and I have said that, whilst I would rather she stayed on and did her exams in June if she was fortunate to find a job I would let her leave as it would be harder come summer with all the additional school/college leavers about.
I fully understand that leaving a place where you have lived for several years is an upheaval but its something that people do all the time and within a couple of months we will all have adapted.

I think you should wait until she is a bit older and more settled. her dad has only been gone 4 years and to lose you as well may have a isolating effect on her. Your new man will be fine with it and if 30 miles is nothing for her to travel its nothing for you/him.

But noddy the worse case scenario which in this economic climate is very likely is that DD doesn't find a job, and OP continues to run herself ragged working and commuting while unemployed DD sits around in the family home meeting friends for coffee.

BTW OP my DCs willl be applying for University in a few years time and I am already encouraging them to disregard the financial aspect. We will not be paying their fees, but telling them to think of it as a Graduate Tax- if they want to go on to Postgraduate work or volunteer or get a low paid job, they won't have to pay it back and its capped at a small % of their income when they earn a decent wage. It won't affect getting a mortgage, or any other credit.

fair enough but how long do I wait? What if in 18 months time, or 3 years, she still feels the same? She is going to have a lot of change in the next few months anyway what with exams etc, and I just thought that doing this all at once would get it out of the way rather than let her get settled with a job, boyfriend etc and then moving. As I said in previous threads the journey from Brentwood to where I am in rush hour is much longer than from mine to Brentwood which is why is make sense to go that way. Currently none of her friends live in the next road to us, or even in the same village so she only sees them at college (which will be over in 4 months) or if they arrange to meet in town of an evening which she will still be able to do.

Thats very true lil, I think considering other towns for employment is key to DD getting a job and I also feel that the worry of student debt is not something that should put you off if you really want to go to uni, or if the job you want to do requires it. Its just that she is very bright but not studious, she is creative and outdoorsey, however I have also explained to her that further education is something she can always go back to at any time and which I would fully support her in if she has a change of mind. Of course I want her to be happy, but I just want her not to restrict herself to one town.

Once she has actually left college and started looking for jobs real life will set in and I think she will be better placed to make a decision. At the moment her life is fairly easy and she probably doesn't foresee how much it will change after college. She might decide she wants a change.

I think I will not mention it again for a while, I know that sometimes if things are gone over again and again you can just dig your heels in and we'd get nowhere so I will let it rest for a few months and see how she feels after exams.

I would move and let her get the flat share
It will make her independent to live on her own especially if she's not going to uni, I think it's great she wants to move out
It'll be interesting to see how quickly she gets a job though