to have called my DS a cocklodger?

[Bogeyface]

DH says I was being harsh.

I say that unless he is told that he should pack in taking the piss just because she has a job and he hasnt (not for want of trying, there is no issue there) he will carry on doing it and the girl is adores will dump him.

He was very defensive about the fact that once again, she paid for their food shopping and he paid nothing, but still had money for some D&D bollocks. I got really angry with him and pointed out that there is nothing guaranteed to put her off him more than him taking her and her money for granted. I pointed out that if (as he claims) she is happy to pay then he should "pay her back" by making sure he does as much of the cooking and chores as he can without help (he has mild cerebal palsy but is capable of doing many things. Imagine he was born with only one arm but that that one arm worked perfectly).

Dh, as I say, was saying that I should keep out of it and I was being harsh. But I dont want him to fuck this up for the sake of thoughtlessness, which I do believe it is, not dont deliberately. And he made a point of saying today that he had given her some money but she insisted she didnt want it and he insisted she have it, "So I am not a cocklodger......OKAAAY?" :o

Oh, yawn, Larry, you know I wasn't responding to you.

I was responding to cbem - I know the vast majority of men contribute to the households they live in. Some don't (in any way) and one word for these people is cocklodgers.

So Elephants,

Do you accept cuntlodgers for women in the same position?

Good for you, Bogeyface! D&D, indeed! I hope you pricked his concience before he blows it with his DP.

Definition of cocklodger from urban dictionary with the genders reversed.

What would the term be?

A female who lives with her boyfriend without paying rent.
Rent and bills are paid by the boyfriend, the XXXXX relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue her residency.

Yeah, that girl Rebecca doesn't pay Jim rent to live in him flat, she's a XXXX.

I'm more into naming things that I actually know to exist.

Has just come to me.

It's golddigger.

Although that is non-gender specificand can just as easily be used for a man but I think its the term most commonly used when a woman is felt to be with a man for financial security.

Although then again it tends to suggest someone who is on the lookout for such a set up, rather than someone established in it. I think it also suggests a level of financial security / gain beyond just bills and rent. So maybe that's not it after all

elephants of course it exists. I think the young, attractive woman with older not attractive but wealthy man is reasonably common and possilby more common that the other way arounf

I guess I'm just going on personal experience where I've met any number of women who do literally everything while their boyfriends do nothing and just expect to be waited on.

I'd be ASTONISHED to meet a family (assuming both people are healthy) where the man:

• earns the money
• does all the housework
• does/organises all the childcare 24/7 and sorts out the children's education
• cooks all the meals
• does all the laundry
• does all the food shopping
• pays all the bills

etc.

Theoretically they might exist, but I've never seen one. Has anyone here?

I haven't seen one either. I have seen set ups where the man does the first and last on that list and the rest is outsourced. I don't know what the term would be in those cases

I agree with you and I have seen lots of relationships where a woman does all of the above. I am sure it does exist the other way round but have not seen it and I think it may be very rare.

The urban dictionary definition didnt make reference to contribution through chores / childcare though. So just on the UD definition I am curious to what the female equivalent is. Not that I think the UD is any sort of official definition of anything. I am just pondering it.

Can I just say that I don't think anyone was saying that a cocklodger was the male equivalent of a whore, merely that it was an equally offensive term.

Very early on in the thread someone made the comment 'I've only ever heard the term cocklodger on MN and it's always used to mean a man who is using a woman, relying on her for money/sex/childcare without giving anything back. It's a very harsh term and an extremely nasty thing to call anyone, let alone your own child.'

At least that's how I interpreted it.

Catgirl,

I am in the same boat as you. I have seen loads of set ups where the man works in a high powered job and the household employs full time nanny and cleaner or the children board. I still think that is relatively common.

Regardless of his behaviour, that is a horrible thing to call your own child.

Well it appears we move in very different circles

Maybe things are very different in gender terms depending where on an income scale a family is.

I'm a bit at the posters saying ohhhh it's a horrible thing to say about your child. So as a Mum are you not allowed to pull them up on bad behaviour? When do you stop? At 12, 15, 21? Maybe the use of the word when he didn't know what it meant wasn't constructive, but at least the OP is big enough to be able to see that her sons has faults and cares enough to pull him up on it. Maybe it will make him think, or maybe hell come back and say actually Mum you were right. Or Mum you were wrong I do all the housework so I am contributing.

Smellslikecatspee - once your child is an adult I don't think you have a right to "pull them up" on their behaviour unless it relates directly to you. Perhaps you feel differently, and would be happy if your mother came along and called you names and criticised the way you live, but I think most adults prefer to run their own lives without their parents interfering and being rude to them.

My mum pulls me on behaviours she thinks are wrong/not up to scratch. I appreciate her opinion.

She is older and wiser and has lived it all before. I value her input even if I don't like what I hear at the time or don't always agree with her. It is helpful to hear anothers take on things no?

Op's son clearly thought she had a point else he would not have made an effort to rectify things the way he did.

I wouldn't mind my mother asking me if DH was happy with how we arrange things - in fact she has done this - but if she came along, called me a name, and said I had to change or lose my DH then I'd be pretty pissed off.

Elephants,

I think that is a very fair point re income scales. I just don't know any lazy men who do nothing. I think at a (relatively) high income level, the well off hard working guy/trophy wife relationship is fairly common. I think it is sad and destructive for both parties but it is a reality.

I get what you mean Calin, but I do think that if you see someone behaving badly in a way that will not only hurt themselves but also others you have a responsibility to challenge them. I would see nothing wrong in pulling up my sisters/ BIL etc. And I know my Mother would, but then maybe it?s because I have a Mammy

I be pissed off if she directly interfered, went to my OH and said I think Smells is being crap to you, but I don?t honestly see anything wrong in her saying Smells you?re being a brat and you need to treat OH a bit better.