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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have called my DS a cocklodger?

94 replies

Bogeyface · 20/02/2012 21:32

DH says I was being harsh.

I say that unless he is told that he should pack in taking the piss just because she has a job and he hasnt (not for want of trying, there is no issue there) he will carry on doing it and the girl is adores will dump him.

He was very defensive about the fact that once again, she paid for their food shopping and he paid nothing, but still had money for some D&D bollocks. I got really angry with him and pointed out that there is nothing guaranteed to put her off him more than him taking her and her money for granted. I pointed out that if (as he claims) she is happy to pay then he should "pay her back" by making sure he does as much of the cooking and chores as he can without help (he has mild cerebal palsy but is capable of doing many things. Imagine he was born with only one arm but that that one arm worked perfectly).

Dh, as I say, was saying that I should keep out of it and I was being harsh. But I dont want him to fuck this up for the sake of thoughtlessness, which I do believe it is, not dont deliberately. And he made a point of saying today that he had given her some money but she insisted she didnt want it and he insisted she have it, "So I am not a cocklodger......OKAAAY?" :o

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 21/02/2012 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 21/02/2012 00:59

Bogeyface I think you need to apologise to him in the morning and explain that you didn't realise how offensive the term is.

It's pointless to try to justify it on here - imagine what you'd think if a woman tried to justify saying to her daughter 'Can I just say that I said in part of the conversation that she was acting like a WHORE. It wasnt a "YOU ARE A WHORE......blah blah"

Original poster
Bogeyface · 21/02/2012 01:47

My name is Bogeyface and I have fucked up.

I didnt realise that what I was saying was so offensive, and although there is no defence, I should say that my DS had (and has, I just asked him) no idea what it meant. I have explained to him and apologised.

I should have stuck with "Dont be an arsehole, pay your way" shouldnt I?

:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 21/02/2012 01:48

Can I kindly ask for no more tellings off please?

I have learnt that I was wrong in saying what I did and although I dont believe iI was U in telling my son not to take his GF for granted, I was VERY wrong in using the phrase I used.

OP posts:
FrothyDragon · 21/02/2012 02:02

next time, check urbandictionary.com before using an insult...

CailinDana · 21/02/2012 07:11

Eh, it's fair enough if you didn't realise what it meant (although it even sounds quite offensive so I would never use it on that basis) but don't call him an arsehole either! I presume he's an adult, as is his girlfriend. It's up to them to decide how to run their relationship without you wading in calling them names. Can you imagine what the gf would post on here - "AIBU to think my DP's mother is a bitch for calling my DP an arsehole because I help him out financially?" I can totally understand that you don't want her to feel taken advantage of, but surely you can say that to your son without resorting to namecalling?

SoupDragon · 21/02/2012 07:22

It doesn't meant the same as whore at all.

Cocklodger
A male who lives with his girlfriend without paying rent.
Rent and bills are paid by the girlfriend, the cocklodger relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue his residency.

AmberLeaf · 21/02/2012 07:30

YANBU

What Soupdragon said.

He quite possibly is a Cocklodger.

Well done to you for calling him on it. yes he has to make his own mistakes etc, but nothing wrong with a bit of guidance at that age.

How often have you read a thread in relatioonships where a mans behavior is questionable and someone pipes up 'what does his mother think' 'is his mother on side' etc etc.

Good for you Bogeyface and id do the same.

AmberLeaf · 21/02/2012 07:32

I would just reiterate to him that if she is at work and he is at home then it would be fair that he pulls his weight while shes out [and not to be playing D&D all day!] then he wont be a cocklodger!

Al0uise · 21/02/2012 07:38

If his girlfriend had posted on here about him and his lack of contribution to the relationship then she would have been told that he was most definitely a cocklodger.

It just sounded a bit harsh coming from his Mum I suppose but how refreshing that a Mother isn't blindsided by her son and can see his shortcomings. You will make a great Mil.

DilysPrice · 21/02/2012 07:44

I'd go back to him and say sorry, "maybe I was a bit harsh, but I'm worried that you might slip into taking your DGF for granted and lose her, so wanted to give you a heads up" I think your concern are probably valid, and he probably will be more alert now.

TheCountessOlenska · 21/02/2012 07:54

Agree with Soupdragon and AmberLeaf - sounds like he is being a bit of cocklodger!

Haziedoll · 21/02/2012 07:58

YABU to call anyone a cocklodger. It is a disgusting expression and I'm not entirely sure that I know what it means, don't think I want to know either.

EauDeLaPoisson · 21/02/2012 07:59

Male whore? wtf? The drama queens are out in force again I see....

Haziedoll · 21/02/2012 08:06

Also if the girlfriend is happy to pay for things what is the big deal? When I first met dh I was earning a pittance and he was earning a lot more. He paid for nearly everything, even going out for a pizza was out of my budget. After we had spent the weekend together I would unpack my bags and find £20 notes hidden in my toiletries. A lot of people would probably think that he was treating me as a whore, judging by this thread. I just thought it was sweet and he was making sure that I had enough to go to the cinema with friends or treat myself to a book in Waterstones. Tis only money.

BalloonSlayer · 21/02/2012 08:07

I don't think the term cocklodger means the same as a whore AT ALL!

If I knew of a woman who had moved in with a man and who wasn't contributing anything financially or practically I wouldn't call her a whore < flinches even typing it >

I'd probably call her a sponger and wonder what the female version of cocklodger is. Whore wouldn't even cross my mind when searching for that term.

(Apart from anything else the term "whore" insults the male in the relationship too, as it implies he is knowingly buying sex.)

takingiteasy · 21/02/2012 08:08

I don't think you ABU. I've heard my FIL having words with my DH about helping around the house etc. We were 21 when we moved in, DH was very pampered (mother still cleaning room etc) and it was a bit of a struggle to get him to even notice what needed done at first.

Now I just threaten him with 'I'll tell your dad'. :o:o

Flisspaps · 21/02/2012 08:10

I think you were right to warn him OP. if he is a cocklodger (I agree with Soupdragon's definition) then if she boots him out for taking the piss, it will be your door he comes knocking on.

GhastlyBespoke · 21/02/2012 08:13

I thought it meant the same as you.

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/02/2012 08:14

Cocklodger does not mean whore Confused. It was term coined by SGB afaik to describe a man who is willing to freeload off of his girlfriend and give nothing back in return but would still expect a relationship i.e. what the OP's son was doing by the sounds.

Well done for pulling him on it OP. I dream of the day that MIL's rose tinted specs fall off and she realises her son is a lazy twat. Hearing from her could be just about the only thing that would kick his arse into gear.

YANBU but good on your son too, for taking your word for it and doing something about it. Tell him if he's skint it's okay for her to pay more, but in return he should contribute towards the housekeeping more often than she does (assuming he works less hours than her?)

SoupDragon · 21/02/2012 08:19

I don't think SGB made it up!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/02/2012 08:23

YANBU - it doesn't just mean someone who is not contributing financially (as that is probably all of us at some points), it means a man who allows his partner to pay for everything for him, while also wiggling out of contributing by e.g. cooking, being a helpful/nice person, childcare, taking the cat to the vet, cleaning the bathroom etc. Basically someone who wants to be looked after like a baby, consciously avoids "giving" to his partner in any way, and relies on the fact that he is "man" as an excuse for her serving him.

So saying "if you're not careful people might think you're a bit of a cocklodger" is totally fair - you obviously love him, it's just a pointer. And it sounds like it's worked.

I'd say the same thing to my brother if he was acting as your DS is. Why should it be for the girlfriend to police his behaviour when HE is an adult as well?

at everyone saying "what an awful thing to say! what does it mean anyway?"

catgirl1976 · 21/02/2012 08:29

A woman who is with a man because he pays all the bills etc, relying on the fact they are shagging to continue residency would be tecnically a whore though (although its a strong word)

the sex is being exchanged for financial gain / security

so cocklodger is the same thing

am confused

catgirl1976 · 21/02/2012 08:31

not that i think you should have callled you son that - i think it only aplies in a situation where the financial gain . security is the only reason for the sexual relationship

generally people are together because they love each other and the fact that one earns and the other doesnt isn't relevant

EirikurNoromaour · 21/02/2012 08:33

YANBU
He was acting like a cocklodger. It doesn't mean whore, it means lazy ass selfish man who thinks his money is for fun and his partner's is for bills. If the cap fits...