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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think Social Services are IDIOTS

37 replies

fedupnstressed · 20/02/2012 20:09

Today had to make a hard phonecall to social services to ask for help and advice about my 13 yr old DD.
She was sexual abused when she was younger and this has never been dealt with via a counsellor.
She lives with her father (another long boring story).
The time has come that she needs help, she has recently started to display behaviour which is worrying.
She is using internet porn sites and pretending to be over age, some of the things she has said on these sites is disgusting and I have closed 2 of them down and tried to close the 3rd down but since she has managed to take out a subscription i have to phone up but the lines have been constantly busy for 2 whole days.
I called social services to ask for advice and family support. I live in another county so contacted the one local to my exh and DD. The social worker was so rude and arrogant. Apparently we should contact the police and report our DD has been expoited. Yet i am struggling to see where and why she is being exploited when she is actively going on these sites to hunt men down. They believe she is 18+.
It is also my fault, my exh fault as we should of had tighter control blah blah. Yet she has been very clever and gotten around her fathers home computers security. I have always had access to her email accounts and checked what she has done online. I havent checked since beginning of October. I checked just recently and found the most disgusting of sites.
As her parents EXH and I dont feel she is being exploited, we feel she has major issues with things of a sexual nature and needs therapy to come to terms with what she has been through. Every 6 months she speaks to me and we have a heart to heart about things and therapy is offered which she has always said she didnt think she needed....and because of this my EXH has declined to get her any help.

Social services havent helped, they just want to get the police involved and subject my DD to yet another police investigation. We dont feel this is in her best interests. She has been banned from the home computer and I have her laptop which we gave her for christmas and she isnt allowed it back until her father and I feel she can handle it.
Why cant social services just help, rather than throw blame at everyone, why not tell us where we can go to get additional support for the family. Exh is checking her phone tomorrow.

Social services pi$$ me right off. I so cant wait for them to call back tomorrow :( sigh

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 20/02/2012 20:14

Nspcc do child counselling, my foster dd went for years for the same issue and SS set it up, they covered safe behaviour and therapy.

You can download a net nanny for her computer to restrict access to porn sites. I'd also prevent access on her phone.

Camhs may help too - ditto school - they may have a counsellor.

featherbag · 20/02/2012 20:16

Have you tried accessing counselling services through her GP? YABU to broadly state that SS are idiots, but I can see you're in a horrible situation and desperately need some help, I hope you get it.

Rhinosaurus · 20/02/2012 20:26

Have you tried talking to the school nurse? They can refer to camhs and would probably also phone social services, if a referral comes in from another agency it should add weight to your call.

I know in my county there is a specialist service for counselling children who have been sexually abused, there may be this service in your daughters county, the school nurse should know if there is one.

mumnotmachine · 20/02/2012 20:28

What a horrible situation, dont know what to say advice wise as I have none, but thinking of you and your daughter

Original poster

fedupnstressed · 20/02/2012 20:30

EXH is taking daughter to Drs and their appointment is beginning of March which isnt good enough but its the only time his work will give him off and tbh he is trying his best but i guess he is scared. I dont blame him in the slightest.

School have no counsellor but i have asked my daughter to speak to the teacher that knows to see if anything can be sought via school.

Her father had restrictions on his home computer and she smartly gained access anyway. Apparently kids arent thick now days and there is many google sites to show how to avoid the restrictions.

She wont be getting her laptop back for sometime. She does seem happier without it and I guess if she doesnt have it then she cant go onto these sites. Her father is going to check her phone to make sure restrictions are in place.

I guess it was the manner in which this man spoke to me. We were always told if she needed counselling they would help us get it and offer the family support...but to downright blame me and then her father was ridiculous. He also kept twisting my words and kept trying to trip me up on what i was saying. It was actually awful.

Im now keeping a track of all her emails and they are now also sent to my email account.

I just want our DD to get all the help and support she needs and now i regret going to social services for that support.

The last thing that is needed is for something to be twisted and me and my ex to start fighting. We have a situation that finally works and we are communicating and trying to work together for the sake of DD.

OP posts:

Rhinosaurus · 20/02/2012 20:49

Have you tried the family services of the local authority? I am thinking targeted youth support or youth mentoring projects?

gordyslovesheep · 20/02/2012 20:52

YABU - SS are not 'idiots' - in this case ONE person on a phone failed to provde you with what you wanted

Your childs situation sounds horrible for her - but what help do you want, and more importantly what does SHE want?

Portofino · 20/02/2012 20:53

Did you not get any help at the time?

GoingForGoalWeight · 20/02/2012 20:55

Some social workers are idiots and patronising etc Some are very helpful, understanding etc Luck of the draw as is life!

I guess private therapy is out of the question? I know it is expensive but as she is a child, there might be reduced rates. British Association of Counselling website might be a good place to check out local therapists and prices.

Good luck :)

troisgarcons · 20/02/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

gordyslovesheep · 20/02/2012 20:57

what about trying specific services for survivors of sexual abuse such as Amazon or Rape Crisis?

Or the NSPCC

Or Victims Support

SS can't do everything sadly - they don;t have the funds

TheSecondComing · 20/02/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smoggii · 20/02/2012 20:59

I think it's just a misunderstanding about what Social Services can do, they are in the business of child protection and the majority are damn good at it, so not idiots at all, although there are some which are the exception to this as in any job.

If your daughter needs Counselling then it's the help of NHS Mental Health services - so take her to your doctor or private counselling to deal with the horrible situation she has been through.

It sounds like she is displaying overly sexualised behaviour which would fit with what you said about her part. Maybe there is a school nurse or senior teacher/head of year that can point you in the right direction.

altinkum · 20/02/2012 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starsintheireyes · 20/02/2012 21:04

It seems fairly simple to me, NO unsupervised internet access and NO unsupervised phone time for her, AT ALL.

Get onto gp about counselling/camhs

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/02/2012 21:18

Your daughter is being sexualy exploited. She is underage and her past has lead to her being vulnerable and seeking validation in all the wrong places. But she is still a child.

I am sorry that you received a less than helpful response from social services, but she needs you and her dad to fight to get her the help she so obviously needs.

Both of you need to work together and make this your number one priority for the forseeable future. Keep knocking on doors, keep making calls, talk to her, listen to her and show her that you don't blame her and that you will never give up on her.

WilsonFrickett · 20/02/2012 21:24

But she is being exploited. The fact that she's seeking the exploitation out is neither here nor there. SS first instinct will be to stop the exploitation happening and so will be asking you some tough questions about what you are doing to limit her behaviour, for her own safety.

As others have said, no internet, no phone.

March for a docs appt FFS is ridiculous. He should be taking her there tomorrow, referrals don't happen immediately.

You need to phone SS again tomorrow and keep phoning till you get practical help.

And phone the HT.

Start doing FGS.

Original poster

fedupnstressed · 20/02/2012 21:28

She lives quite happily with her father due to circumstances i wont divulge. We get on with it and her father and I work alongside one another. She was denied counselling when she first revealed what was happening because it can apparently affect the outcome of a courtcase.
I dont think she is attention seeking she is finally releasing the trauma of what happened to her. Its not like we didnt expect something just not this.

Exh is going to take her to Drs and i already text him to ask him to contact the school nurse to see what their stance on this is.
Social services told us to report to them if she needed counselling in the future which is what I have done.

The social worker will call back tomorrow and I am going to refer him to my EXH, we both feel its not in our DD best interest to contact the police and have a lenghty investigation. There is one computer crime unit in the north and thats in Birmingham and they can take up to a year to complete an investigation into things on a computer.

If they did investigate and things went to court i certainly dont want my DD to have to wait another 2yrs before counselling.

And yes school, gp, social services, police and everyone that needs to know knows about the past.

OP posts:

changeneeded · 20/02/2012 21:29

Im not sure what you would want social services to do in this case. although your dd has been through something terrible, Im not sure social services are really able to offer the help you'r dd needs. I dont think that makes them IDIOTS.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 21:30

to be fair, the beginning of March is the middle of next week..

maddening · 20/02/2012 21:31

could you come back to the uk to help sorg getting the ball rolling with counselling and give a little extra support to dd?

changeneeded · 20/02/2012 21:32

I think op is in next county not country

Portofino · 20/02/2012 21:36

Why do you need to contact the police? Why would it go to court? She is presumably contacting people of her own free will. Cut the internet access. Simple. And concentrate on getting her some help.

maddening · 20/02/2012 21:37

sorry , could you come back to dds county then and get her into drs sooner is exh is unable to?

Portofino · 20/02/2012 21:39

And you told her to tell the teacher that "knows" that she is accessing internet porn and needs help?

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