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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never let this friend look after my DC again?

75 replies

MistyMountainHop · 20/02/2012 17:09

or am i over reacting?

i pay her to look after my youngest DC when i go to work (a bit less than a childminder would charge. i really cant afford a childminder plus because my work is not fixed hours it would be hard to find someone who could work with that) i have known her a few years and trust her, but at the moment she doesnt have a phone which worries me tbh as neither of us can contact eachother when she has got my dc.

anyway when i dropped dd off earlier she wasn't at her house. i waited outside for a bit and then my friends neighbour a few doors down came out to say my friend was at her house Hmm
i was a bit pissed off by now but decided to let it go and leave dd as i couldnt risk pissing off my client and potentially losing her as i have let her down recently as dc were ill. as i left i asked if she would be at her own house when i collected dd and she said yes.

well, when i came back to get DC she wasn't there Angry that feeling of sheer panic when i realised i didn't know where she was and i couldn't contact her was just horrible :(

turns out she was at her neighbours again, which i only found out when in a panic i knocked her neighbours door to see if she had seen my friend. it annoyed me but also made me feel uncomfortable as, although she seems nice, i don't really know her. and my friend had told me she was going to be at her own house so just let me turn up to collect dd like a twat there. making me run around like an idiot looking for my own kid. wouldnt be an issue if she had used her friends phone to text me or something

i am just annoyed. i have babysat many of my friends dc and would never take any of their DC somewhere and not tell the parent where i was ffs!

i feel guilty as well as i guess it serves me right for cost cutting on childcare but to be honest it wouldnt be worth me working if i had to pay a registered CM. i don't have anyone else who i could ask.

OP posts:
DilysPrice · 20/02/2012 18:21

I can empathise with the panic actually. It's not rational, but if you suddenly find that your baby is missing and you don't know where she is then it's natural to give way to slight paranoia.

I came home one day to find that my utterly reliable long-standing nanny and the DCs weren't there and for the five minutes it took them to get home (clutching the precious toy that they'd had to go back to the library to collect) I had all sorts of mad worst-case fantasies.

Get your friend a PAYG mobile OP.

GrahamTribe · 20/02/2012 18:27

"You'll feel even nore panicky should anything happen to your lo whilst in the care of somene without paediatric first aid... "

What?! Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to look after my own DC then. Nor should my parents. Or my best friend. Or my DH. I understand the legal situation perfectly well but the hue and cry about using someone with paed first aid and insurance is ridiculous.

youarekidding · 20/02/2012 18:30

OK, sense prevailing here. IF you DIDN'T pay her would you really call a friend looking after your child SUBSTANDARD childcare? My friends and I 'babysit' swap all the time, it's free, it's convenient and not 'substandard childcare' - just some childcare.

I agree about finding a flexible CM, getting childcare WTC/ childcare vouchers. Or perhaps a flexable nanny? Or a nanny share? so a family who has a nanny who will work extra/ extra child for a nomimal amount extra? You pay the family a set amount per hour towards the nanny.

I would panic if my DC wasn't where I expected them to be. If I'm honest though it would be more annoyance and a worry that I wouldn't want to be hanging around waiting for an unspecified amount of time.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 21/02/2012 07:45

thanks for all the replies :)

has given me a lot to think about

re tax credits etc, its not that simple as i am self employed. but i may just grit my teeth and pay a proper CM until dd goes to school just to keep on my clients

it SUCKS though working for fuck all :(

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 21/02/2012 08:25

you can receive tax credits when self-employed, I should think you can do childcare vouchers too

NotaDisneyMum · 21/02/2012 08:34

I get tax credits and I'm self employed - you do spend a lot of time talking to HMRC, but it's worth it Smile

EirikurNoromaour · 21/02/2012 08:35

Of course you can get tax credits as self employed! If your income is roughly the same each year you just claim On last year's income. If it is likely to be much higher or lower than last year you give an estimate and confirm it after you do your tax return.

nowittynamehere · 21/02/2012 08:37

do you like your friend OP does your little girl enjoy going to her and is she happy when she gets home ? i know your friend isnt registered and getting a few quid for looking after her but if she got a mobile and was contactable ? If you can answer yes then i would keep your friend babysitting , saying that you can get tax credits while self employed ,

Flisspaps · 21/02/2012 08:41

I am self employed (actually as a CM) and receive Tax Credits.

porcamiseria · 21/02/2012 08:57

OP I used to use a friend for this very same reason. Look presumably she wants and needs the money too right, this is a nice little tax free earner for her

But it sounds to me like you have made your mind up? as I personally would have a chat, just say you panicked wheh you didnot know where DD was. You want to keep the agreement going but given that many of these agreements can end in tears, you do want to have time to get 100% clear on mutual expectations. thats what I would do, at least until you have a better idea if you can claim CTC

porcamiseria · 21/02/2012 09:03

SO annoyed by all the smug people bleating on about "this is what you get when you dont do it properly" . People pay their cleaner and gardeners and babysitters cash, but get all smug and preachy when its a mate for childcare. So easy to preach isn't it? OP cant afford fucking childcare. Would you rather she sat at home on benefits???

OP, keep working babe as its goopd to keep your hand in, will get easier!

and like I said have a proper chat with your mate

and I would be surpised if you were NOT due some level of working tax credit, its basically a way of paying less tax for those that work and have kids, TRY IT even if its on £30 pcm better than now

LilacWaltz · 21/02/2012 09:06

Op is assisting in benefit fraud though...... Is that ok too??

Her friend is ON BENEFITS and working CASH IN HAND.... Op is paying her this extra cash and it's not declared!!!!

CuppaTeaJanice · 21/02/2012 09:07

I'm self employed and I receive tax credits which cover virtually all of DS's childcare costs. I think you have to work for 16 hours per week or more (check that out though, I'm not sure) but that doesn't have to mean 16 hours away from your DC or 16 hours childcare. Checking your emails, reading trade magazines, doing your accounts, cleaning your equipment etc. and any other business related stuff you do at home all count towards your hours. Worth looking into, especially if your income is quite low. Smile

nowittynamehere · 21/02/2012 09:09

lilac i think you can earn a certain amount before declaring it but i do see what you mean , I think the OP work is so irratic though then its difficult to declare ,

moogster1a · 21/02/2012 09:15

If your friend looked after your lo in her own home rather than yours that would avoid the illegal childminding aspect.
it wouldn't however do anything about the benefit fraud and the fact you obviously don't trust her 100%

LilacWaltz · 21/02/2012 09:18

now yeah, it's ( or was) £20!!

nowittynamehere · 21/02/2012 09:26

lilac i wasnt sure but tbh i think they should be declaring it as if she is caught she will get into problems and somebody may report her ,

jojane · 21/02/2012 10:31

I think this country has gone so overboard on the registered child are thing, I fully understand a childminder havin to be registered especially looking after several children/ looking after strangers children but I don't see anything wrong with a parent using a friend or family member for childcare whether for free or bunging them some cash. I currently have my friends little girl here this morning while she does some errands and she will have my youngest later in the week while I go to Zumba. Me and my friends swop childcare all the time. Not for money but just to help each other out.
I just think it should be up to the parent to decide who look after their children, although I do agree unregistered childminders (not family a d friends) shouldnt be used

nowittynamehere · 21/02/2012 10:40

jojane i think when money changes hands thats when problems start , I dont think there is anything wrong in watching a wee one for a friend for a few hours either I used to do it when mine were wee , a lot of mums dont have ontap grandparents so rely on friends do do things like go to the shops or drs even zumba for a few hours ,

WyrdMother · 21/02/2012 10:58

I'm not against bunging a mate a few quid for a bit of impromptu childminding on any moral grounds, in fact I do it when a chum occasionally has my DC and there's no liklihood of paying her back in kind (at least enough to cover expenses). I am against it for regular childming because, aside from the whole tax/benefits/legalities, I have never seen any one of these arrangements that didn't end in tears.

You have no contract with this woman and therefore no control over what she does and where she goes with your child other than goodwill. You also have no recourse if something goes wrong. I've been stuck between the opposing sides of the resultant soap opera twice, really, really worth finding someone legit and struggling through the paperwork for financial help imo.

youarekidding · 21/02/2012 16:33

It depends on what your paying the person IMO. Money to cover expenses (food/petrol/ ice creams) is not paying someone to childmind/ babysit.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 21/02/2012 17:05

she has her for no more than 4 hours at a time, i usually give her about a tenner and sometimes buy her some fags

i also make a packed lunch for dd so my friend isnt feeding her out of her own cuboards

have decided i am going to keep using her anyway, as i need the money and want to grow my business - but - as of today, she has a new phone!

OP posts:
CuppaTeaJanice · 21/02/2012 19:11

That's no cheaper than a nursery! I pay £3.60 an hour. I bet a packet of fags costs more than £4.40.

And most of that is paid for by my tax credits.

LilacWaltz · 21/02/2012 19:13

You are continuing using her and comitting benefit fraud? She is on income support..

youarekidding · 21/02/2012 19:18

I agree with cuppa A CM is about £3.50/ hour so £14. You'd get 70% of that in WCTC so about £7.50. Meaning you pay less. Childminders usually provide food/ snacks as well therefore saving you more. (some charge/ some ask you to provide)

If you are really earning that little then you can get CTC etc. That's what they're there for.

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