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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never let this friend look after my DC again?

75 replies

MistyMountainHop · 20/02/2012 17:09

or am i over reacting?

i pay her to look after my youngest DC when i go to work (a bit less than a childminder would charge. i really cant afford a childminder plus because my work is not fixed hours it would be hard to find someone who could work with that) i have known her a few years and trust her, but at the moment she doesnt have a phone which worries me tbh as neither of us can contact eachother when she has got my dc.

anyway when i dropped dd off earlier she wasn't at her house. i waited outside for a bit and then my friends neighbour a few doors down came out to say my friend was at her house Hmm
i was a bit pissed off by now but decided to let it go and leave dd as i couldnt risk pissing off my client and potentially losing her as i have let her down recently as dc were ill. as i left i asked if she would be at her own house when i collected dd and she said yes.

well, when i came back to get DC she wasn't there Angry that feeling of sheer panic when i realised i didn't know where she was and i couldn't contact her was just horrible :(

turns out she was at her neighbours again, which i only found out when in a panic i knocked her neighbours door to see if she had seen my friend. it annoyed me but also made me feel uncomfortable as, although she seems nice, i don't really know her. and my friend had told me she was going to be at her own house so just let me turn up to collect dd like a twat there. making me run around like an idiot looking for my own kid. wouldnt be an issue if she had used her friends phone to text me or something

i am just annoyed. i have babysat many of my friends dc and would never take any of their DC somewhere and not tell the parent where i was ffs!

i feel guilty as well as i guess it serves me right for cost cutting on childcare but to be honest it wouldnt be worth me working if i had to pay a registered CM. i don't have anyone else who i could ask.

OP posts:
moogster1a · 20/02/2012 17:26

YABU. You'll feel even nore panicky should anything happen to your lo whilst in the care of somene without paediatric first aid who is obviously dishonest enough to look after your child illegally.

mrsbigwobblybottom · 20/02/2012 17:26

If you're on a low wage surely youre better off going through an ofsted registered CM and getting tax credits and childcare vouchers?

I do think you are right about he rtelling you if she wouldn't be at her home when you went to pick the kids up. But I also agree that if this happened with my CM I wouldn't be paniced at all as I have 100% faith in her.

I know it's hard when you're tring to save pennies and your situation sounds really crap but I think rather than balming your friend you need to sort something else out.

3boysandagirl · 20/02/2012 17:27

I agreeLilacWaltz.

HoneyandHaycorns · 20/02/2012 17:32

YABU - for using an illegal childcare arrangement, for not sorting out a phone so that you can contact this woman and for leaving your DC with someone who you obviously don't trust that much. (if you did, you would not have experienced sheer panic when you found she wasn't at home).

Your friend is also BU for providing unregulated childcare (and presumably not declaring her income), for being late when you arrived to drop dc off and for failing to let you know where she was at pick-up time.

I get that childcare is expensive, but if you can't afford to leave your dc in a safe, reliable environment, then I think you are going to have to re-evaluate your options.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 20/02/2012 17:34

i feel guilty as well as i guess it serves me right for cost cutting on childcare And therein lies your answer. Yes YABU. Sadly welcome to the real world where, yes, working hardly seems worth it when you fork out for childcare.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:35

Ok you were in a panic and worried and probably feeling a little guilty for not using a childminder , this friend is doing you a huge favour and she is earning a little bit which is probs illegal but your hours are not regular so its a baby sitter , anyhoo get her a mobile phone give it to her when you hand your daughter over and take it back when she is collected , either that or pay a childminder , carphonewarehouse selss mobile for about a fiver ,

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:36

sell*

OddBoots · 20/02/2012 17:40

If you get a registered CM can you claim towards it from tax credits?

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 20/02/2012 17:45

she is a single mum on benefits

so no, she doesn't declare what i pay her

OP posts:
nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:48

oh shes really putting herself in a position isnt she , How often do your work OP ? I think you should try and get her to either register as a minder or give it up , if she gets caught then it could go really bad for you both

LilacWaltz · 20/02/2012 17:50

Woah thats benefit fraud!

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 20/02/2012 17:52

Yes, if you use a registered childminder you can claim tax credits towards this.

It might be worth ringing them to see how much you'd be entitled to.

Dozer · 20/02/2012 17:56

Sounds like OP is self-employed, so no vouchers etc.

I do think it's weird that paying a friend / family member to look after Dc in their home is "illegal". Apart from the declaration of income, surely it's up to the parent to decide whether the care is OK?

cms being over-regulated surely decreases supply of childcare and increases costs.

shagmundfreud · 20/02/2012 17:56

I work as an unregistered cm - only look after friend's dc on a couple of random days a month. There is no way I'd go through all the faff of registration for the sake of this little work.

Anyway YABU. Buy her a phone. Problem solved.
That said - you clearly don't trust her. Why are you letting her care for your child in the first place?

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 17:57

Let me tell you what the main points of working is, and paying for quality ofsted registered childcare is:

  1. You keep your career continuity so that you can earn money when your child starts school.
  2. You register for working tax credits, where the childcare element will cover most of your childcare costs, when using an ofsted registered provider.
  3. Many nurseries today are offering ad hoc childcare for parents with shifts and flexible working patterns, such as Asquith (a chain of nurseries)
  4. If your child is over three, she is eligible for free part time care in a nursery.

If you are self employed, petrol will be a cost set off against your income tax.

How old is your youngest?

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:58

dozer i think it is illegal it does sound daft though but im sure there was too police officers on tv a few years ago they were watching each others children while working opposite shifts and somebody reported them , i cant remember the outcome but they were reported ,

EirikurNoromaour · 20/02/2012 18:01

If you earn that little then you are probably entitled to tax credits. And if you aren't, then you earn enough to pay a proper CM or nursery.

EirikurNoromaour · 20/02/2012 18:02

nowittyname - they were fine as they were doing 'reciprocal childcare' ie no money changed hands. Friends and family can do it for free but as soon as you pay someone, even in gifts, it is illegal.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 20/02/2012 18:03

I do think it's weird that paying a friend / family member to look after Dc in their home is "illegal". Apart from the declaration of income, surely it's up to the parent to decide whether the care is OK?

exactly

and if she isn't declaring her income then its not my problem tbh :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 20/02/2012 18:03

oh and my youngest is 2.8 - she starts PT school in sept

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 20/02/2012 18:04

so why don't you get tax credits?

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2012 18:05

nowitty The outcome (as far as I remember) was that Ed Balls wrote to Ofsted and asked them to relax the law.

Apparently they were breaking it by having a 'reciprocation' deal.

They relaxed it, but it's still illegal for money to change hands.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 20/02/2012 18:06

How many of you bleating on here about it being illegal have used a babysitter? It's no different. It's not all day, every day, it's occasional babysitting.

OP - it does worry me that you panicked when you didn't know where DD was - do you really trust her? If you do and are otherwise happy with the arrangement I'd buy a PAYG phone that stays with your DD - so she has it when she has your DD and you take it back when you pick her up. If she uses it other than to call you, she needs to top it up.

It is completely shit to be on your own, trying not to rely on benefits and sometimes there's a transition period where you do things that are not exactly ideal.

However, it is well worth looking into what tax credits or other things you are entitled to, you may just find it's enough to make the difference between using this friend and a registered CM. There are CM's who are happy with flexible hours.

joanofarchitrave · 20/02/2012 18:17

Chipping, the fact is that it IS illegal to use an unregistered childminder, and it's not illegal to use a babysitter, because it's in your own home. Hence why nannies don't have to be registered (or didn't a few years ago, anyway...)

and Misty - but you're clearly not happy with the care. I think you were overreacting I must say, but childcare is incredibly personal. Do you really trust her?

It does sound as if you need to check out whether you would actually be better off with registered childcare. Vouchers etc involve a LOT of money.

NotaDisneyMum · 20/02/2012 18:18

As far as I can remember there is no legislation which controls childcare "in the child's own home" but if it is offered in another place (either commercial premises or another's home), for reward, for 2 hours or more a day on a regular basis, it must be registered with OFSTED.

Not sure what if any penalty exists for parents who chose to use this arrangement, but for the carer, there is a hefty fine and possible long term implications of working with children (CRB flags, I think).

ofsted factsheet