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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that this is not a major issue?

44 replies

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:05

I'm a semi regular poster, have name changed because of possible outing self!

I have changed my surname to dh's recently (not actually dh but will explain!). We are not married, but we have been together for 9 years, lived together for 7 and have a ds(4). I call him dh, he calls me dw, its just what we do.

My original surname was my dm surname. Dm and dh do not get on for various reasons, they do not talk or acknowledge each other. I am not close to my family. The reason for the name change is mainly because I wanted to have the same name as ds (who has dh's name). I have never really had the wanting to actually get married iygwim.

We do not have the funds to get married, and with the family divide I think it would be quite upsetting for me as my family wouldn't be there (dh's family are fine) . It cost me around £50 to change my name, and I thought it would save a lot of hassle and grief.

Turns out dm is not happy, told me that I was ungrateful, she was disappointed, she had been crying (not in front of me I will add) I am in my mid twenties ffs, and I really did not think it would be that bad. I didn't think she would be over the moon but I thought she would understand the reasoning. She changed my name when she got married to be the same as hers, so she has kind of done the same thing. She made me feel like I was a teenager again. (Its the voice!)

I really do not see it to be a major issue, we have had a child together which I see as a bigger commitment than anything else including marriage. And we are really happy!

Now she is in a shit with me and its going to be awkward for a while before it all blows over, I just don't think I have the energy for it any more.

So AIBU to think its not actually that big a deal?

(Bit scared about posting in AIBU)

OP posts:
Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:06

Sorry for the lengthy post!
Abit of venting I think!

OP posts:
Agincourt · 20/02/2012 17:07

she changed your name to your stepdads name without asking you?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/02/2012 17:07

Whether its a big deal or not is irrelevant, the point is that it is your name, your family, and your descison.

Your Mum is BU, and it sounds like there is probably a good reason why she doesn't get on with your DH.

SmileItsSunny · 20/02/2012 17:08

Yanbu, it's your call at the end of the day - but mothers know how to push your buttons. Sounds much cheaper than even the most basic wedding!

NotWell · 20/02/2012 17:09

Is it possible she is wanting you to get married and "do it properly"...though I know you are committed already!

Perhaps she thinks he's not committed to you?

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:09

She asked me but I was 8. She said ' Don't you want the same name as me?' in a quivery voice (Remember it very clearly) . I did'nt want to but felt guilty if I didn't.

OP posts:
NoFoodwithaFace · 20/02/2012 17:10

i'm in a similar situation. I have a ds with my dp. We often refer to being married even though we're not, ie (your so messy, why did i marry you?)
Id like to have the same surname as Ds, particuarly when he starts school. I think shes being a bit unfair, its more about you wanting to belong to your dss family, not ditching your old one!

breatheslowly · 20/02/2012 17:10

Is she pissed off that you haven't got married or that you changed your surname from one that she gave you on her marriage? She does sound like she is being a bit odd. Have you checked the legal situation with regard to not being married as it sounds a bit complex.

Aribura · 20/02/2012 17:10

Why do you call yourself husband and wife and have the same name if you don't actually want to get married? Hmm idgi

Agincourt · 20/02/2012 17:12

I think that's really quite manipulative of her tbh, in all respects. She needs to get off your case.

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:12

breatheslowly Legal situation?

Aribura We did intend on getting married one day, just sort of fell in to the dh/dw thing. maybe we still will but not in the near future.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 20/02/2012 17:12

She probably has forgotten the emotional blackmail from when you are 8 and thinks you were probably OK with it.

TBH, I would be a little Hmm at someone changing their surname without being married. After all, lots of women don't change surnames even after marriage, and it probably does feel like a bit of a rejection to her. Have you thought about a small registry office do, so you can change without hurting her feelings (that's if you actually WANT to get married of course).

ISayHolmes · 20/02/2012 17:13

I think your mum would probably find something to be upset about sooner or later, and this is just something to pick up on and guilt you over.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/02/2012 17:15

It's a bit strange that she doesn't understand that it's sort of a commitment thing. The fact that she went all quivering voice when you were 8 makes me think she may be a little odd though.

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:15

I know its not quite conventional, but I did it for me, no one else.

No one would have batted a eyelid (apart from my mother) if I changed it after marriage!

OP posts:
birdsofshoreandsea · 20/02/2012 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/02/2012 17:16

Can you really not afford to get married? (If you want to of course) I believe a registry office do is relatively cheap (less than £100 I think) and would also get your legal situation wrt your DC sorted.

Agincourt · 20/02/2012 17:16

so your mother thinks it's okay for you to keep the surname of her new partner but not for you to have the name of yours? She sounds a bit of a control freak (I have one as well) Do what you want, it's your life. It's not like you have changed your name to Elvis Presley

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:17

She bloody lucky I didn't change it to something ridiculous! Its very tempting. Grin

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/02/2012 17:18

so your mother thinks it's okay for you to keep the surname of her new partner but not for you to have the name of yours? She sounds a bit of a control freak

I agree.

Aribura · 20/02/2012 17:19

Considering she posted the thread about it and asked, I think it is our business. I'll try that next time someone comes on here for advice about something personal - NO I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:24

Its only your business if I ask (which I have) so stick your noses in Grin .

However, in real life I do not think its anyone else's business (unless again I ask), including dm!

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 20/02/2012 17:25

Legal stuff like wills and inheritance. Probably other things like who owns what if you split up. I don't know the details, but marriage can protect your interests in some ways. I'm sure you can google the difference, but obviously changing your name won't bring the legal protection that marriage does. Maybe there are downsides too.

Original poster
SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:29

We don't really have anything. We rent (joint names), no savings as such. If we did own anything major then it would be made clear as day what would happen if something happened. No joint bank accounts etc.
As a co-habiting couple we have more or less the same rights as a married couple.

OP posts:
birdsofshoreandsea · 20/02/2012 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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