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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this is not a major issue?

44 replies

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:05

I'm a semi regular poster, have name changed because of possible outing self!

I have changed my surname to dh's recently (not actually dh but will explain!). We are not married, but we have been together for 9 years, lived together for 7 and have a ds(4). I call him dh, he calls me dw, its just what we do.

My original surname was my dm surname. Dm and dh do not get on for various reasons, they do not talk or acknowledge each other. I am not close to my family. The reason for the name change is mainly because I wanted to have the same name as ds (who has dh's name). I have never really had the wanting to actually get married iygwim.

We do not have the funds to get married, and with the family divide I think it would be quite upsetting for me as my family wouldn't be there (dh's family are fine) . It cost me around £50 to change my name, and I thought it would save a lot of hassle and grief.

Turns out dm is not happy, told me that I was ungrateful, she was disappointed, she had been crying (not in front of me I will add) I am in my mid twenties ffs, and I really did not think it would be that bad. I didn't think she would be over the moon but I thought she would understand the reasoning. She changed my name when she got married to be the same as hers, so she has kind of done the same thing. She made me feel like I was a teenager again. (Its the voice!)

I really do not see it to be a major issue, we have had a child together which I see as a bigger commitment than anything else including marriage. And we are really happy!

Now she is in a shit with me and its going to be awkward for a while before it all blows over, I just don't think I have the energy for it any more.

So AIBU to think its not actually that big a deal?

(Bit scared about posting in AIBU)

OP posts:

ChitChatFlyingby · 20/02/2012 17:32

Legal situation - if you and your DP break up, then you have absolutely no legal protection, and can be left high and dry financially which should worry you, especially if you are a SAHM.

You and your DP are not each other's legal next of kin. If there was a medical emergency neither of you would have the right to deal with the doctors on each other's behalf.

If one of you dies, you don't get the inheritance tax protection.

That's some of the major things, but not the only ones to consider.

So if you want to get married, get married! The wedding costing too much is just a red herring.

birdsofshoreandsea · 20/02/2012 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2012 17:43

You need to consider getting married, given that the reason that you don't want to get married is because of a difficult family,

Until your child is 18, your mother is your next of kin and will have more of a say in some circumstances than your DP, would

asiatic · 20/02/2012 17:47

surnamechanger, good for you for an action which simply and cheaply underlines your commitent to doing what is best for your family. It is so much easier in many circumstances if child and mother have the same sirname. ( not that it need be a serious problem if they don't)

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:48

you need to make wills, get parental responsibility for your partner

Dh/p has a will. Maybe I should do one. (Not that either of us has anything but I see where you are coming from)

He is his dad. Has lived with him since birth, name on certificate. Surely there would be no doubt about parental responsibility.

I have had a quick look online (will do in more detail later) I cannot see anything that would really affect us - I may be wrong, will find out later.

Neither of us has anything the other would wish to inherit, no debts (joint or otherwise), no savings, rent in joint names, No pensions, as for medical purposes, hospitals will mostly accept a partner as a next of kin.

OP posts:

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 17:50

It all here for anyone who is interested.

But its not what I asked!

OP posts:

Glittertwins · 20/02/2012 17:51

Cohabiting partners do not get the same protection as married, it's a myth. The other big thing is that neither one of you would get a say in a life threatening situation as you won't be legally next of kin.

DaisySteiner · 20/02/2012 17:57

Sorry, but it's a common myth that non-married partners get no say in a life-threatening situation. That legal situation is that it is the doctors would decide what happens, no one else, regardless of whether you're married or not. They would consult family (including non-married partners) about their/your wishes before making any big decisions about life support etc.

birdsofshoreandsea · 20/02/2012 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 18:01

I said this As a co-habiting couple we have more or less the same rights as a married couple. up thread!

I know that we do not have all the same rights as a married couple, but I am happy that things would be taken care of in the event of something happening!

I would not get married just because its 'safer legally' . I would get married because I want to and I love said person (which is what I thought most people got married for ). I have not said we will not get married but at the moment this felt like a better more viable option.

And again, its not why I started the thread!

OP posts:

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 18:04

birds I will check to be sure!
I believe it does change quite a lot due to not many couples getting married anymore

OP posts:

birdsofshoreandsea · 20/02/2012 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 18:07

No probs birds :)

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 20/02/2012 19:03

Sorry - I didn't mean to hijack the thread with my question about the legal implications of not being married, but I would have been sad to find out that your millionaire DP had told you that you had exactly the same rights as a married couple.

Original poster

SurnameChanger · 20/02/2012 19:52

breatheslowly I wish I had a millionaire dp! Bet my dm wouldn't have so much of a issue then!

But I do see where you are coming from.

OP posts:

Cloudbase · 20/02/2012 20:09

Surname, your mother sounds very similar to mine, and she is deeply controlling. Given that you are so upset by her reaction, I suspect yours is too.

Controlling personalities operate by manipulation (some subtle, some not so subtle) but a classic controlling parent tactic is to 'withdraw approval' when their kids do something they don't like (and this will also usually extend to a dislike of boyfriends/partners etc)

It's nothing to do with her what name you give yourself; you, DP and DS are your own little family now and you should do what makes YOU happy. I can only speak from my own experience, but with controlling parents, you'll never be able to get it right and can seriously waste the best years of your life trying

I know how hard it can be to deal with someone like that, and how much you can feel like you want them to approve/agree/be pleased for you, but you need to look to the future and accept that it may never happen. Focus on your DP and DS; you sound like a lovely little family

aviatrix · 20/02/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImpOfThePerverse · 20/02/2012 22:36

Entirely your decision, your 'D'M sounds a bit bonkers.

Tiddlyompompom · 20/02/2012 22:57

Turns out dm is not happy, told me that I was ungrateful, she was disappointed
Wow, YANBU, what exactly does she think you should be grateful for? Assuming that your old name doesn't result in gold coins being dropped at your feet every time you say it, why on earth should you have been so grateful to have been given it? Weird.
Perhaps if your DMs partner was wonderful to you and you'd changed it to something else out of childish spite the second you left home she might have cause to feel put out, but you are a grown woman with a family FFS!
I think your name change is a lovely idea, we had three surnames in the house when I was a kid, and it was a right pain. Three cheers for Family SurnameChanger!

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