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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think wedding anniversaries should be private celebrations?

62 replies

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/02/2012 23:41

Etiquette question really. I have friends who have a celebration every year for their anniversary, have done since year one. I always think it's your marriage, no-one else cares how long you've been married, celebrate it alone. As if they can't let go of the fact that their wedding day was not as exciting for everyone else as for them.

But then I would think a golden wedding anniversary party was lovely. So is there a line or am I just an unreasonable cow? I partly want to know cos DHave romantiuc wants a party for our tenth this year, I think too soon and we should have romantic night alone.

OP posts:

nailak · 19/02/2012 23:42

Ok, then why are weddings public celebrations? It's just personal preference.

LoveHandles88 · 19/02/2012 23:47

I think anniversaries should mostly be private. I don't expect anyone else to care when we got married. It was our day. They were there to share it, but it was still our day. I don't think anyone should ever get upset over not getting a card/present/good wishes on their anniversary from an 'outsider'. Most oh's have trouble doing it!
Celebrations for the big ones (10, 15, 20, 25, 50 etc) I think are probably quite nice.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 19/02/2012 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sayithowitis · 19/02/2012 23:48

I think it is up to the couple to celebrate however they wish, whether that be with a big party, a family get together, a romantic meal for two, a shag or whatever.

We have celebrated ours in many ways over the years, from a take away and video when the Dcs were little and we had no babysitters, to a family holiday for our close family to celebrate our silver wedding. Haven't had a party because we are not really party people, but I don't see why that should be a problem if peole choose to do that.

Threeprinces · 19/02/2012 23:49

YANBU - unless it's a major anniversary them it should just be between the two of you. I don't send anyone apart from DH anniversary cards an wouldn't expect one from anyone but him either.

aldiwhore · 19/02/2012 23:51

They are what you want them to be, if you think they should be private, don't accept the part invitations.

My friends reDO the whole wedding every five years, vows, reception, honeymoon, dress etc., (no ushers or bridesmaids though).

For me it seems nuts, not something I would do, for them it means a lot, they like to do it and I am happy for them. I enjoy the parties lots too!

If I had a problem with it, I wouldn't go.

I love how people celebrate things in different ways, there is no right or wrong way, no should or shouldn't.

BackforGood · 19/02/2012 23:57

For me, it's not something we fuss over - will probably have a bit of a 'do' for our Silver and maybe (hopefully?) Ruby / Golden / Diamond.....
However some people just like throwing a party - if their anniversary is the excuse they use, then why not? Some people throw a party for their birthdays or when there's an international sports fixture on, or at Christmas or New Year, and I reckon any anniversary is just as valid an excuse as those.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 07:14

We will have been married ten years this year and decided we want to do something a bit different to acknowledge it. We are going to Vegas and intend to renew our vows in a really naff 24hr chapel, and I want to wear a black dress! . Every previous year we have just gone on holiday around the time of our anniversary, and had a nice meal.. private celebration between ourselves.

marriednotdead · 20/02/2012 07:28

We have an annual BBQ which co-incides with our wedding anniversary. I don't think that was the intention originally but it has become tradition.

Some people acknowledge it with a card but it's just become an excuse for a gathering of friends and family really. Every year it gets bigger though so not sure how many more we can do without hiring assistance!

Ephiny · 20/02/2012 07:39

It's entirely up to the couple, surely? If you don't want to go to someone else's party, make a polite excuse and don't.

As for your own - I personally agree with you and would prefer it was just private between me and DH (fortunately he tends to agree!), but it's between the two of you to decide. I really think it's a matter of personal preference and not an 'etiquette' question - people are allowed to have parties to celebrate any event they want!

holidaywoe · 20/02/2012 07:40

YABU to object to a celebration that is neither hosted by you or requires your compulsary attendance!
We have a house party/ BBQ every year on the nearest weekend to our wedding anniversary and its become a great tradition enjoyed by many. We dont require gifts though guest often bring Champers or flowers (which to be honest they would bring if invited for dinner) and everyone gets a chance to catch up.

Kayano · 20/02/2012 07:40

Look at Heidi Klum and Seal

Then tell them to stfu lol

Bathsheba · 20/02/2012 07:44

Just to say, as Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Birthdays/Christmas/Easter/Halloween/Valentines/New Year etc etc..

They DO really celebrate Weddings and Wedding Anniversaries...

And frankly when you only celebrate 1 thing I think they should be allowed to do whatever they want with them..!!

BettySuarez · 20/02/2012 07:51

Squeakytoy your Vegas trip sounds amazing - do you need a bridesmaid?

VivaLeBeaver · 20/02/2012 08:06

I think you're right. I remember by sil was upset as I forgot to send her and db a card for their sixth anniversary. I think I'd done well remembering up till then but had tried to make the effort as I was a bridesmaid. Anyway then they only sent us a card for our first anniversary which made me snigger a bit.

ISayHolmes · 20/02/2012 08:11

Depends...is the couple's party is one with loads of fun people, great alcohol and mounds of delicious food? Am I invited? If so then it's a lovey idea that had my complete and utter support and it should be done every year ad infinitum.

MissMarjoribanks · 20/02/2012 08:24

YANBU OP, definitely private celebrations.

We go away every year to avoid the family obligation to spend it with the ILs that would no doubt result if we stayed at home. Everything is a 'family celebration' with them, including, until I kicked off to DH, my own bloody birthday. Having laid down the law on that, I preempted any wedding anniversary shenanigans.

This year we went to Wales. In October. We were expecting sheets of rain and howling winds. Instead we had managed to book for that weekend we had record temperatures and to our surprise and delight, we spent a large proportion of our wedding anniversary making sandcastles on the beach with DS.

PopcornBiscuit · 20/02/2012 08:24

YANBU. Private unless it's a Silver/Golden/Ruby/Diamond etc.

roadkillbunny · 20/02/2012 08:27

I always feel quite surprised if anyone gives us a card for our wedding anniversary, I remember being deeply puzzled by it on our first when people sent cards and called on the day to say congratulations, you have managed not to kill each other or start divorce proceedings in the first year .
But like you I also get and like the idea of publicly marking the 'landmark' ones like 25 and 50 years. Having a party every year does seem excessive and IMO would take the shine off the landmark ones but then you don't have to go to a party if you don't want to and I haven't seen people posting because they didn't get cards from friends or even family on their anniversary like I see about birthday and Christmas cards.
I am not totally sure if YANBU or not, I guess it is a bit of both, YANBU to feel that parties every year are a bit odd and you, like me feel wedding anniversaries are more of a private occasion but YWBU if you felt that everybody should see them the way you do, if it is not hurting you or your family then each to their own.

Weaselarch · 20/02/2012 08:27

YANBU to want your own anniversaries to be private celebrations. YABU for thinking everyone should feel the same as you. If you don't want to celebrate with your friends, just decline the invitation.

StealthPenguin · 20/02/2012 08:37

I was always told that it was a personal thing. My mum and stepdad get a card every anniversary from my stepdads parents but they normally go out for a meal or something and celebrate as a twosome.

I will say though, they've got a male friend who insists that every year, without fail, he gets them an anniversary card and a present. And every year, without fail, will ask them what they are doing and will drop hints like "oooh, that's a nice restaurant!" or "oooh, I've always wanted to see that film". And every year, without fail, he has to be told "Sorry, but it's just the two of us, maybe we can do something next week?"

Odd bloke...

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 08:51

Betty, afraid that is already organised.. my best mate moved out to California before I got married and couldnt make it back for our wedding, and we have been out there to visit a few times, and have made friends with his friends out there, so we have a "local" guests meeting us there for the weekend..

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/02/2012 09:01

YABU.

People can do what they want with their wedding anniversary, because it's theirs. There is no right or wrong, same as there is no right or wrong when it comes to what type of wedding a couple want.

Personally, We prefer our celebrations to just be about us and the dc for now, but when we get to 10/20 years it seems like a good excuse to throw a party.

flowery · 20/02/2012 09:18

YABU. Entirely up to the couple surely?

We had a party in a big house with friends for our 10th anniversary, it was brilliant. Because we got married at 22 we had a lot of good friends who we didn't know then so it was nice to be able to celebrate with them and also have a bit of a reunion with old friends.

Mishy1234 · 20/02/2012 09:52

Personally, our wedding anniversaries are private (or with close family) and will probably remain so until we get to one of the big ones. If we were to celebrate in style every year it would cost a fortune!

However, I suppose it's really up to the couple how they want to do it.

I wonder what your friends will do when they reach a milestone anniversary OP?

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