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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad for ds about lack of party invite? And a bit stupidmyself?

69 replies

LadyMontdore · 19/02/2012 20:52

Gave out ds's party invites two weeks ago, no reply from one particular mum. Today on facebook see an update thanking all the lovely people who came to her ds's party (the one who is invited to my ds's party). He wasn't invited :( . We see them every week, children play mother and i chat, her ds came to our Halloween party, handed the mother the invite myself and she said nothing! Other people from the same 'group' were obviously there, I feel v silly and tempted to message a 'looks like xx had a good party, can' t remember if I gave you xx's invite?' but then that'll be always next time I see her!

OP posts:

NotWell · 19/02/2012 22:39

Meh. Preschool aged kids don't pick the invite list! They're three and four ffs. Unless there is a child who is out and out nasty they generally want anyone to come along.

This is not 7 year olds....or 10 year olds...it's tiny little minnies who just want a party. The parent has snubbed the OP and she mixes with her too! It is bitchy. A mean thing to do.

Hattie11 · 19/02/2012 22:45

My children picked their lists at that age, they were always quite sure of who were their friends, i wouldn't have had a clue who to invite otherwise as i worked and didn't have time to get to know them all.

you can't say she has snubbed op! for all anyone knows the invite got lost.

pmsl this is an adult you're calling mean - not the school children.

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 09:32

Have slept on this now! I wouldn't be at all upset for DS not to be invited to a party of a person from school that he didn't play with and whose mum I didn't know.

But this is a mum I know well (we see each other for several hours a week) who has definately purposely (is that a word?) not invited ds out of a small group and, the worst bit imo, gone to some trouble to say nothing about it, followed by a facebook 'thanks to the many special people who made xx birthday so great'. The morning I gave her the invite we were together for a couple of hours (gave invite on arrival) chatting and talking about our respective dcs birthdays, I feel very silly thinking bakc to that convo now that I know she was holding back. Surely would have been politer to say at that point 'DS just having a few friends this year to his party'. It is the deliberate secrecy that is rather nasty I think. Last year I gave a friend an invite and she said 'that's so kind, ds just having a few friends this year' and I haven't thought about it again 'till now. Neither of us do lots of facebook updates but both comment on each others.

My real question is on weds when I have to spend a few hours with her do I say 'did you have a good weekend?' and pretend I know nothing (and let her avoid uncomfortableness) or try not to chat to her or chase her reply to my DS party! I will not be impressed if she accepts and still doesn't mention her ds party!

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 09:35

It does sound as though she deliberately didn't invite your DS but left him out on purpose. I think in that situation I would have to think long and hard about whether I still wanted to be friends with someone like that, or whether I wanted to just let the friendship drift as the friendship would be clearly more important to me than it is to her. I don't do imbalanced friendships.

porcamiseria · 20/02/2012 09:35

it IS hurtful. but I think its very common. I would seriously consider if you still want to make much effort with this woman. she must have KNOWN that you would have seen it on FB a cuntish behaviour IMO. well, insensitive at least

and you are NOT a mug. just nicer than her

Scholes34 · 20/02/2012 09:37

Of course 3 and 4 year olds can make decisions about who they would like to come along to their parties. OP - it's very nice of you to try to be considerate and not leave anyone out from your invitation lists, but it won't be long before your DS won't thank you for this, and don't expect that other people will take the same approach to their children's party invitations.

It's very hard to drop your good friends' DCs from your own DCs' invitation lists, but you'll have to face up to it at some point.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 09:37

its a bit of a slap in the face if your son hasnt been invited but i would just look past it and ask if her child is coming to your sons party , Usually these things are not personal even if it feels like it is sometimes ,

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 09:38

Oh no, I definately won't be listening to her dull self-centered stories anymore! She is one of those people that if you say anything she'll reply with a 'well I've just done something much worse'. Unfortunately I can't just not see her as we go to the same places!

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 20/02/2012 09:40

Woah there! thanks to the many special people who made xx birthday so great does not necessarily mean there was a party. Or if there was, that it was a 'general' party - could have been two friends out for pizza, or cousins only or anything. I do think you're jumping to conclusions a little bit.

Scholes34 · 20/02/2012 09:40

OP - given your attitude, I'd be terrified to mention my DS's party to you, but I'd reserve the right not to invite your DS to my DS's party, or to stick with my DS's invitation list if he'd drawn it up and still turn up to your DS's birthday party.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 09:41

See I think when children are young it is very much an adult thing too,deciding on the party lists. And parties are a social occasion for the parents too when children are young as the parents stay at the party. My DS is going to be 3 soon and will be having a party. He will choose his main friends from nursery I'm sure but I will also make sure that all my close friends' children of a similar age are invited. I wouldn't invite a few and leave one or two out, as I feel that that's unfair. If DS was 5 or 6 then of course he would choose his own list, but I feel it's a bit different when they are little.

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 09:42

Scholes - again it's not the lack of invite that I don't like it's the fact that went to some effort to say nothing about it.

And I'm well aware that older children choose who they want to come their parties. But I will not be letting her exclude perfectly nice people who might be upset by it either. (eg if she wants to invite 6 girls out of 7 in her class and the non invited one isn't a bully or something, I just don't think that's a nice way to behave).

OP posts:

PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 09:43

Just because you're a lovely and inclusive person OP and are probably instilling that value into your DS never think that others are the same. People can be complete self absorbed shits.

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 09:43

This is very hurtful.

But, how come that you "have to" spend a few hours with you on wednesday?

Maybe she feels the same way about your wednesdays? Maybe it is time to rethink how close you are. If the time spent together is just because of convenience or for real friendship.

NotWell · 20/02/2012 09:44

Just be cool with her....I would! All this talk of "Oh people have different approaches" is a lot of rubbish...the girl socialises with you weekly and yet did this...it is a blatant out and out snub.

Some children aged 3 and 4 may say "I want so and so to come" but they would certainly not complain at a regular playmate being added...this is not the same as an older child who might have a closer frienship group.

Dont ask if her DS is coming...if she has an OUNCE of humanity she will say "Thank you for the invitation and DS is coming."

If she says nothing then assume she's not coming. And move away from her....you don't have to be close to all the people in the group.

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 09:44

wilson - she did actually use the word party (I shortened) and other friends have replied with thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 09:47

We spend time together becuase we go to the same baby group - have been for four years, now our dcs are the eldest there are 5 of us left who've been there for ages and all the dcs have been to each others parties - untill now!

OP posts:

PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 09:48

This will happen again and again to your DS, it's really painful when they are hurt by it too. Some people just don't think about hurting people's feelings they just want little Johnnie to be happy.

DS is ten on Friday and he's only allowed 5 people as he wants a sleep over, he's going to the cinema. many children I know would have been allowed 10 for the cinema and five for a sleep over, well not my DS. We don't do two tier parties, where some kids stay for the sleepover and some don't. He also doesn't want the boys I thought he played with everyday. We've talked about how some of those boys may take offence and gone over and over the invite list.

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 09:50

I was in a similar group. We did the same thing, until the oldest started school. Then they started only inviting their class.

I suppose yours are not in school yet?

To be honest, I might have put a comment such as "Glad you all had a good time, yet sad to not have been invited this year". But I can be a bit crass....

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 09:52

So there's only 5 of you in the group and she invited the other 3 and just left you and your DS out? That's really nasty, very rude of her, especially putting it on FB for you to see. I wouldn't want to be friends with her any longer.

didldidi · 20/02/2012 09:53

I have struggled with this in the past - inviting friends of DS because I was friendly with the mum or DS had been invited to their party. Now DS is 9 though he is very definite about who he wants and doesn't and that might mean leaving out someone who two weeks ago he was best friends with!

paddyclamp · 20/02/2012 10:06

Does this woman have a girl and you have a boy?...If so is there any way she just invited the girls?

Just clutching at straws here to find any logical reason why this silly moo has treated you like this!

I think the issue here is not that the OP's DS hasn't had an invitation but that he's the only one out of a small group who meets regularly...if it was me i'd be asking her if i'd done something to offend her!

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 10:14

Paddy - no.

The only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't actually like DS / me, but she knows she's being rude or she would have said something. Which makes me wonder why she bothers talking to us and has accepted previous invitations!

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyMontdore · 20/02/2012 10:17

I may just have to re-categorise her as 'two-faced' and withdraw.

It's very odd because I normally go to great lengths to avoid playground bitchiness and never normally get upset by not being included in things, I don't think I know anyone else who isn't just straight forward about these matters!

OP posts:

cornflowers · 20/02/2012 10:22

Are you sure you didn't miss the invitation? I only ask because I checked ds' bookbag quickly this morning before school and found a crumpled invite to a party that was held last week! Not the first time this has happened, either It's possible the invite went AWOL in transit, perhaps?

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