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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry about my stick in the mud DS?

38 replies

ooer · 19/02/2012 20:30

He's 12 and he never wants to bloody do anything! Likes to stay at home doing nowt.

We really try hard. He has loads of opportunities locally to do sports etc but doesn't want to do any of them. He plays a musical instrument but he doesn't want to join the school band. He says he wants to be an airline pilot when he leaves school - I looked up the local air cadets but ... he doesn't want to go. He never asks his pals round here [despite prompting] and very rarely goes round to their place.

I'm just worried he's letting loads of opportunities slip by.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 20:40

What does he do at home?

Does he get invited to others?

Has he been bullied, to your knowledge?

Did he used to do more activities, and gave up?

Is he happy/est on his own?
Just some questions for background info

My ds1 is somewhat similar

shockers · 19/02/2012 20:42

Do you think it's a confidence issue? If he doesn't try things, he can always imagine that he could be successful at them, maybe that's favourable to the thought of failing or not fitting in.

If that's the case, maybe some gentle bribery to try something.... if you don't have a go, you won't be getting any pocket money! Cruel to be kind. Once he's tried, he might enjoy whatever it was!

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 20:44

Air cadets is not really anywhere similar to being a commercial airline pilot I dont think..

If he is happy, not being bullied, and genuinely enjoys his own company, then leave him be... it isnt fair to try and force him into situations that he would feel uncomfortable in.

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 20:53

Fwiw - the only activities ds does we're completely his idea. He is not a risk taker, so he really really has to be interested in order to try something. He also likes his own company, so the hobbies he has aren't group-based

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 20:53

Were his idea

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 21:00

If that's the case, maybe some gentle bribery to try something.... if you don't have a go, you won't be getting any pocket money! Cruel to be kind

How mean Hmm :(

Goldenbear · 19/02/2012 21:06

OP, maybe he feels like you're pressurising him to be something he isn't. I mean do you bang on about being into things and call him a stick in the mud to his face? If so then he probably feels a let down to you.

NotWell · 19/02/2012 21:09

I was/am like that. I remember my poor Mum getting so rattled with me one summer hols tht she said "Don't you have any friends??*

I did...but I just didn't NEED them or want to be with them....they were related to school which I didn't like.

I wanted to be alone...reading and painting.

I am fine...I have a good career (very good actually) and a lovely DH and 2 DC. I also have close friends....not many! But enough.

For confidence building you could book him a flight in one of thse "eperience day flights" where he may even get to take the controls of a small plane...if not he can chat to the pilot and have a good look at the cockpit.

These are not as expensive as you might think...why not encourage him to set up a website about planes or about how to be a pilot? He could add a chatroom...

shockers · 19/02/2012 21:09

I don't think so... that was a light hearted suggestion, which is why I used the word 'gentle'. However, sometimes a little push is what people need, especially if they lack the confidence to make the first move.
My children don't think I'm mean, and that's what matters to me Smile.

Original poster
ooer · 19/02/2012 21:11

On the face of it he is confident practically to the point of absurdity - always claiming not to need to learn anything because he "can already do it". I always think this is a bit of a sign of insecurity.

I genuinely don't think he is being bullied - small world here and someone wold let me know!

Re the air cadets - but they are the nearest thing we're likely to get to a bit of experience with things aeronautical. I thought that he would have to demonstrate a bit of interest to have a chance of getting on the course ... also it would be pretty good to check that he actually liked flying before committing tens of thousands of borrowed pounds to his training!

OP posts:
hanaka88 · 19/02/2012 21:14

I never did much at 12. I really couldn't be bothered. I don't do much now Grin it might be a personality thing

NotWell · 19/02/2012 21:18

See my post above re the checking he actually likes flying. They also have flight simulators in some big shopping centres....look and feel like the real thing!

Original poster
ooer · 19/02/2012 21:19

Hi Goldenbear - I don't call him a stick in the mud to his face but I do tell him I'm concerned he's letting opportunities pass him by - and that nothing will be on a plate like this in the same way for him when he's an adult, so take advantage now! In that way I prob do pressure him - but I think he needs someone to tell him!

OP posts:
Original poster
ooer · 19/02/2012 21:23

Hi *NotWell" I really appreciate the suggestion.

He has been on some flight simulators [has one on his computer too] and has been up in a small plane which he thoroughly enjoyed. But he doesn't rave about planes the way my teenage contemporaries did who made their careers in aviation [not pilots though I think they would have like to be - one engineer, one air traffic controller] - they spent all their time at airports plane-spotting, I just can't see him getting up that much enthusiasm for anything!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 19/02/2012 21:27

oh this is hard isn't it

my kids are younger, but ds1 who is 7 is very much like this. the thing is, when you do get him out doing something he actually really enjoys it! but if you ever suggest anything to him he really doens't want to know.

i'd say maybe "DS, i've booked yuo a trial session at x,y,z just to see if you like it" and then see what happens. maybe he'll go and love it. maybe he'll say he really, really doesn't want to go, in which case you can cancel

I do understand how frustrating it is though. it's easy for people to say "let him be", but when you feel your child would really enjoy and benefit from something it's hard to see that kind of apathy in them
I think with DS1 (who has ASD) it is simply that he cannot imagine what other things will be like. So if he is happily playing on his DS he just can't imagine that something else may be as much/more fun, and he hates when transition too, so movign from being at home to going out to an activity.

smilesy · 19/02/2012 21:28

Ooer I don't think air cadets is appropriate for someone who wants to be an airline pilot as it is more akin to experiencing what life would be like in the forces. Anyway, he is only 12, there is a lot of water to go under the bridge before he follows his chosen career path. I would leave him be. He is still a child. He needs support and guidance from you which you are clearly prepared to give, but not pressure. He is just about to become a teenager too and as is well documented on MN these are highly unpredictable times ahead!

Goldenbear · 19/02/2012 21:38

TBF I am not a parent to a 12 year old so I'm sure you have your reasons to be concerned. I just know that at 12 I gave everything up and wrote in my diary all the time about how hard life was!

My DP wants DS to be very active in to everything, popular as a result of his participation. He is only 4.5 and about a year ago he really started laying it on thick about being into football and sport. I noticed this had the opposite affect and put him off. DP backed off and a year on he attends a club and loves it, he asked to play today and the coach tells me he's actually quite good. He is so much better when DP backs off a bit with the mr Motivator act!

However, as I said I'm not sure if that would apply to an older boy.

Original poster
ooer · 19/02/2012 21:47

Sorry original should have responded to your kind enquiries.

At home he stooges around - he likes music and has a keyboard so he spends a bit of time on that. Otherwise reading, hanging out with his younger brother, following football on the TV or radio. (He would like to spend more time on his computer but we limit him, otherwise he would literally do that all day.) In the summer he will be outside for half an hour after dinner, kicking a ball about with DP, DS2 and very occasionally me (I can't run about after a meal!). Otherwise it's hard to even get him outside. He did some gardening with me this morning but I had to offer to pay him!

He is pretty happy on his own. He's just moved up to secondary school and has made a few new friends but they all stay some distance away - I've suggested he invite them but he doesn't want to. There's one of his "old" friends he gets on quite well with but that chap makes more effort than DS1 does.

And it's always been pretty difficult to get him to do organised activities!

OP posts:
DapperDanMan · 19/02/2012 21:48

My ds's best friend is like this. And whist this is not about your sons friends- my Ds is terribly hurt by the fact that the peer who he wants to spend time with the most ( and I know that the other chap calls Ds HIS best friend, so not like a friend crush or anything, they've held the title of each others best friends for 7 years now) only wants to see him - or anyone for that matter- at school. It just does not compute.

Interestingly, dh's close friend was very like this and it transpires that he has aspergers (only diagnosed as an adult) and anything out of his routine of home school home - or home work home- was incredibly difficult. We always knew something was different and wondered if he was agoraphobic. Not suggesting that this is the case with your Ds of course but just a little anecdote!

Original poster
ooer · 19/02/2012 21:48

iswym, golden - it's just so tricky!

OP posts:
Astronaut79 · 19/02/2012 21:57

Maybe he just likes doing nothing. I teach high school and, apart from the footballer kids and the drinking in park kids, most tend to stay in on their computers. I read.

Being 12 is a bit crap.

TapirBackRider · 19/02/2012 22:00

My ds is like this, would rather be at home playing games, or on xbox live competing against friends, reading, watching a film with me...lots of different things. He's poor at sports, his coordination is bad enough that he finds it difficult to swim, ride a bike, or kick a ball.

He does have social difficulties (among other things), and is just learning now how to be a good friend and how to make and keep a friend. He appears to have acquired a couple of new friends, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

NotWell · 19/02/2012 22:09

Keeping frieinds is important but its not the be all and end all. Some people are just this way inclined until they are a bit older. My closest female friend became that when we were 15...I had matured I think then enough to make a "real" friend.

Until then I was very self contained. It irritates me no end when people mention AS and other SN when a child is not the life and soul of the party.

PenneyAnne · 19/02/2012 22:12

Thats funny Dapper I was just going to say my ds,almost 12,is like this and is the only one of his class really that does nothing outside of school but he was diagnosed with Aspergers last year Shock. However my dd,15, who is perfectly normal became like this once she went to secondary school. She had previously been involved in lots of things. She simply prefers her own company at weekend/holidays etc and any time she does meet up with friends etc (although rare) it is always instigated by one of her friends-she never makes the effort to call/text them etc,has no interest in facebook etc. I really believe it is just the type of person she is-doesnt really need outside interests etc. Ooer at 12 I dont think there is a lot you can do about it-the more you push the more he will resent it! If he is happy at school and fairly sociable there , then I would leave him to it and see what happens. Good luck.Smile

piratecat · 19/02/2012 22:15

my dd is like this now and she is 9, very confident but can't be arsed! I can't imagine what she will be like as a fully fledged teen. horizontal prob.
hanaka88, like your post, made me laff.

some people just are.