to worry about my stick in the mud DS?

[ooer]

He's 12 and he never wants to bloody do anything! Likes to stay at home doing nowt.

We really try hard. He has loads of opportunities locally to do sports etc but doesn't want to do any of them. He plays a musical instrument but he doesn't want to join the school band. He says he wants to be an airline pilot when he leaves school - I looked up the local air cadets but ... he doesn't want to go. He never asks his pals round here [despite prompting] and very rarely goes round to their place.

I'm just worried he's letting loads of opportunities slip by.

I don't think keeping friends is the be all and end all, but it does help to develop important social skills, which my ds lacked.

Helping a child to understand that a relationship, of any kind, involves compromise is a good thing for them.

My 12 year old ds is exactly the same. He really enjoys school and has lots of friends and is happy. It used to bother me but now I think school is 'his thing' which sounds unusual. What about a youth club, my ds loves going to our local one.

If he's otherwise happy and healthy maybe let him be - or why not buy one of them computer game flight simulators for the PC - some of them are very close to real pilot training and he actually could start learning about what piloting would involve. He might naturally be a bit introverted and might enjoy beavering through all the levels.

Ask a local airfield what lessons a 16 year old could have or suggest he gives them a call and then he can work out how much he'd have to save for his first lessons, might be a good incentive to start thinking about a saturday job or paper round or whatever kids do for work and pennies these days (and that would get him out the house)- OK he's on the young side but lessons won't be cheap so he'll need a run up!

Bless him, he sounds like a nice kid.

You sound like my mum! 'Ooh when I was your age I'd have given my eye teeth to be a Brownie/in am dram/join the choir...' My response wasn't (but should have been) 'Yes, well I'd give you mine not to have to!'

I do understand though.... i used to worry that my children didn't do enough and I encouraged them to start lots of new activities. Mostly that lead to me spending time and energy jollying them along, driving them all over the place and spending money on new kit...... just so they could give them all up after a few months . Now DS1 and DD have found their passions and are fine - DS2 simply isn't interested as what he wants to do he can't, so I just leave 'em to it.

I think that there is much much more pressure to be doing activities now than when I was a child. I constantly have to check my expectations and stay calm when I hear about the musical instruments, the sports and the tutoring that my DSs' friends do. There's also a lot of socialising round here out of school and I worry mine have inherited my antisocial tendencies.

Each of mine has one thing they really like at the weekend, and they each do one after school club as well
When I think back, I only did one activity, but loved it, and then read an awful lot, and watched a lot of TV

Both of mine recently gave up Cubs/Scouts and that did nearly break my heart. It meant an awful lot to me because it gave one of mine a great deal of confidence at a time he really really needed it, so I'm quite emotionally attached

Leave the poor kid alone, poor sods, they can't win these days.

I also think there is way more pressure at school as well. I know one of mine feels it. He just wants to be home with no plan, no expectations and no pressure

ooer I think you should leave it. It's true that adolescents and teenagers seem to us oldies to have everything on a plate - but they may not want what's on the plate, iyswim.

I also find generally that people develop more interests as they get older and see the value of trying/ working for things more. My parents were very much like you sound and I remember my DSis2 getting so stressed out with it that she actually planned to run away from home. They also 'sent' us all to university when we were 18, regardless of inclination.

Not saying you would do this, but I am saying I think you may be breeding up resentment in your DS for the teen years. IMO 12 is old enough to decide whether you want to do sth or not. If he is pulling his weight in the house and not disobeying the computer usage rules, I'd take a step back.

And you know, so what if he prefers his own company? My DP does and I really like the fact that he is highly independent as an adult and doesn't need constant stimulation/ the telly on/ to go out drinking - he can find his own entertainment.

It might be a valuable personality trait, so don't step on it too much.

yy Original Jamie.

OP think about how stressed out adult lives are. I don't know about you, but after this I will go to the gym then home, eat dinner about 8 and then pull out some work.

Free time seems like bliss. Maybe that is something many of us would also give our eyeteeth for? - so maybe let him enjoy it?

Goodness, let the poor boy do his own thing like we did as nearly-teens and teens. I gave up all my activities at 11 and loved reading, listening to music, daydreaming at home; I never wanted friends over - I was very self-contented and a bit of a (happy) loner. I did very well at school, university and have had a great career. I came out of my shell at university and I am more social now at 40. But I am so glad my parents didn't bug me to do things.

Hi all and thanks for your kind words and advice, from which I take IABabitU to worry about him.

I have to go away next week and so I asked him and his brother what we could do together on Saturday - so we are going "bouldering" at the climbing centre at their request.

I feel a lot better!

Oooh yes, climbing is great fun!

Sometimes the more children feel pressured into doing activities, the less they want to do them, especially at that age.