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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

saying "please" to dc

44 replies

cazboldy · 19/02/2012 19:07

Have had a bit of a discussion with my Mum today.....

She told dd2 (4) to pick something up, and dd said "no"

cue my Mum getting annoyed...... when dd piped up and said "you didn't say please nanna"

I admit if they ask me something, like to get a drink for example, i won't do it unless they have said "please" and don't give it to them until they have said "thankyou" which to me seems an obvious way of teaching them manners, and is just a nice thing to do and is polite, so I suppose this was my fault really.

My Mum said she would say please if she had asked her to do something, but that she "wasn't asking, she was telling Hmm" which I think was a bit unfair.

So AIBU or was she?

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 19/02/2012 19:09

She is.

Saying 'please' is only good manners.

:)

And she shouldn't be 'telling' anyone of any age to do something. Is a bit rude!

Sarsaparilllla · 19/02/2012 19:10

I think your mum should've appreciated that your dd has picked up on manners and that they should apply to everyone, and yes, she should've said please to your daughter

VickityBoo · 19/02/2012 19:11

I lead by example so speak to my daughter (3) with pleases and thank you's. She is very good at doing the same.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 19/02/2012 19:12

Your Mum was being unreasonable, and rude.

People deserve equal respect, and manners, from each other and that includes people that are still in their childhood.

Nagoo · 19/02/2012 19:12

I say please to my children.

Once.

And then I tell them to do it.

Nagoo · 19/02/2012 19:14

I am :) rembering how DS used to refuse to do anything I asked him with an airy 'no thankyou mummy'

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2012 19:16

She IBU and I am not normally soft. If you want pleases and thank yous, lead by example.

Original poster
cazboldy · 19/02/2012 19:18

Nagoo - that's hilarious Grin

See that's the thing..... I think she was just feeling Blush at being caught out by my dd as she obviously taught me some manners when I was small, and it's not happened before with any of my older dc (dd2 is the youngest of 5) but then she shoukd have just said "sorry dd2 I forgot, Please will you pick it up"

OP posts:
Fiendishlie · 19/02/2012 19:20

I don't think my mum ever said please or thank you (or sorry) to me or my db ever. I wouldn't dream of not saying please or thank you to my dc. I don't 'tell' them to do something, always ask.

Well, the first time anyway.

TheAvocado · 19/02/2012 19:23

I am strongly of the opinion that the best way to bring up polite children is to be polite. I always say please and thank you, even when I'm cross.

EdithWeston · 19/02/2012 19:53

I would say please and thank you as the default, as would most if not all the people in our family.

Was this comeback to her DGM a one off (which one hopes you can all laugh about) or is it the start of a pattern of answering back to adults? If it could be the latter, you need to think now what your tolerance level will be, as it may be hard to change habits once established.

It can be a bit tricky to get across to small children that it is rude to correct someone whose upbringing you are not responsible for. Even if her DGM made an omission, it was rude for DD to answer like that. Depending on what communication with your DD is like, you could also discuss and model good ways of dealing with imperfections in others (or at least start the many, many conversations you will need about this).

warthog · 19/02/2012 19:56

lead by example. you are right. your mum is ever so wrong Grin

GavisconJunkie · 19/02/2012 20:29

YANBU

Lead by example, but agree I say please, then I 'tell'. It's not often I have to get that far.

I've said it on here many times, you have to earn respect, it isn't a default setting because you're old (er).

troisgarcons · 19/02/2012 20:35

"Ask" and you get the world, "tell" and your get bugger all. manners cost nothing and a child appreciates them moreso than an adult.

skybluepearl · 19/02/2012 20:42

I always say please when asking my kids to do something. Treat them like you want to be treated is my moto.

Is your mother exempt from good manners?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 19/02/2012 20:44

Whilst I agree that children learn from example, but I agree with Edith that she was cheeky to say it.

From my experience this is the age where they start to push boundaries and want to be the boss!

quirrelquarrel · 19/02/2012 21:54

Parents don't have to say please (and it's probably better if you don't), children have to say please no matter what.

And no, this isn't hypocritical, which is the usual MN stance when anything like this comes up...there is a slight difference. Not acceptable for a child to tell an adult off for anything, especially manners.

pointythings · 19/02/2012 21:59

I disagree, quirrel, I don't think the OP's DD was being cheeky at all or telling her grandmother off - she was repeating what she had been taught and following the example she had been said. The grandmother was

DH and I always say please and thank you to our DDs and we expect the same of them. I fail to see why not being polite to your children is ever OK, how are they supposed to learn if not by example? What does it hurt to ask politely first - and of course if that yields no result, you tell, and firmly?

quirrelquarrel · 19/02/2012 22:04

Well, I think this is a cultural thing, and it's quite difficult to snap out of that kind of mindset...I wouldn't react well at all to a child speaking with such authority to someone like a grandmother...whether innocent or not, there's boldness involved in correcting anyone when you're so small (and in Britain the culture of children knowing that they're small, and all the things that come with that, is very well developed). My family is French, that's what I mean by culture, and it's not that you're scared of your grandparents, but it just wouldn't occur to you, this thing of assuming that your grandmother doesn't know a very basic thing, and that you've the right to put her right. I don't know. Different outlooks, I think. But then I don't think that children learn by example, I think it can do more harm than good, and anyway it's grossly overestimated.
Sorry for rambly post/

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 19/02/2012 22:10

The best way to teach manners is to lead by example.

Being older doesn't necessarily make you polite Smile

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 19/02/2012 22:12

I am not sure about this one actually and I'm really hot on my dc having manners.
I don't necessarily tell the dc to do something and we always say please and thank you to each other but if one of the dc had for example willfully chucked something on the floor I would be unlikely to say please because to me that suggests they actually have an option in it.

If I would like them to pass them something I would always say please and thank them for doing it for me.

I do think different situations require a different way of speaking.

I do think children learn by example and my dc (well the 2 that can talk) have great manners and never have to be reminded to use them and I believe it is because we all use those manners at home and it is second nature, I've never had to drum it into them.

pointythings · 19/02/2012 22:22

MissBeehiving some of the rudest people I have ever met in my life have been elderly - the sense of entitlement in some has been just amazing. I have never hesitated to correct them, despite being younger (though adult).

The worst was the elderly lady who elbowed me in the ribs when I was standing in the queue for the deli in Tesco and tried to shove herself in front of me. I told her in freezing tones "Madam, if you are fit enough to elbow me that hard then you are fit enough to wait your turn with the rest of us.' I had a visible bruise the next day!

There is no excuse for not minding one's manners, and if an adult is wrong, there is nothing wrong with anyone of any age correcting them - we can all learn.

I think the example of chucking something wilfully on the floor is something of a red herring, since at that point there has already been bad behaviour and therefore a 'please' is inappropriate in that context, so I would agree with telling and not asking at that point.

quirrelquarrel · 19/02/2012 22:26

My mum never said please to me- and 'thanks' was sarcastic, if I didn't jump to straightaway. Normal relationship, only she was the grownup who could choose not to be polite, and I was the child who knew she had to be taught certain things. No, my spirits weren't sapped....yes, I could think for myself...and I can think of plenty of my mum's behaviours which I haven't mimicked parrot fashion.

I always said please/thank you/excuse me, from very young- in fact I annoy people abroad now, I'm so English ;-) despite the fact that my mum was so 'rude' to me!
I'm not sure that this culture is at all based on aiming to train children to be mindlessly polite, subserviant members of society later on- mainly developing self discipline, and making sure that they have a good reserve of automatic respect even for people who haven't done much to deserve it, because that means pleasant behaviour in any situation, and toughening them up.

goodasgold · 19/02/2012 22:31

I think the problem is that rather than being taught purely by example the children are repeating how they have been taught manners. I think that it is rude to correct somebody else's manners. I try to set an example and that includes not correcting, or reminding.

Be sure that your own manners are how you want your dcs to be, and then your dc will do the same.

Flatbread · 19/02/2012 22:34

There is no excuse for not minding one's manners, and if an adult is wrong, there is nothing wrong with anyone of any age correcting them - we can all learn.

The thing is a 5 year old doesn't really have the capability to think abstractly, put things in context or understand manners and what is right or wrong in any nuanced way.

For example, as an adult I know a smile can sometimes be substituted for a verbal thank you. I would not like a five year old to pipe up and say 'but you didn't say thank you'. I might find it cute as a one off, but it would get irritating pretty soon.

Btw, agree with Squirrel and Edith on this one.