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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel SO low because of inlaws?

74 replies

ddsmummytobe · 19/02/2012 14:27

I don't know whether this is the right place for this but I'm feeling really desperate for support. I've namechanged in an attempt to protect privacy.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, engaged to be married in a couple of weeks time and am genuinely beginning to wonder whether I can have the baby, whether I can marry into this family, and indeed whether I can even go on with life at all anymore. I can't believe I'm feeling this low, but I am.

I feel completely bullied by my inlaws, SIL in particular, and I feel completely, completely lost as to what to do. I feel like I should leave DP so he doesn't have to put up with the feuding anymore, but then again I feel like I wouldn't know how to live without him, and so can't help keeping returning to is just removing myself entirely from the situation by just ending it all is the only answer.

sorry if this is all such a downer. I just don't know what to do with myself and when dp assures me that it will get better in days or weeks or even years to come I can't help feeling that at this rate I probably won't be around that long. :(

OP posts:

ifherbumwereabungalow · 19/02/2012 19:06

Hello OP, I have been really moved by your posts, and you seem to be getting excellent advice here. As someone who is experiencing their second pregnancy, and has a history of depression, I think you need to acknowledge that your feelings of despair need to be taken seriously and that this is not necessarily something you can cope with by yourself. Please ask for help, from your GP, or the Samaritans, or even your midwife if you feel able. 16 weeks pregnant is a tumultuous enough of a time without added pressure from outside influences, so you need to concentrate on yourself.
With regards to your quite frankly evil-sounding SIL and the rest of your DP's family - how about looking at their behaviour from a different angle. How would you feel is someone was acting like this towards your DS or DD? What would you advise them to do? Its hard to find the strength to stand up for yourself when you are pregnant, depressed and have been crushed by other people's oppressive personalities, but I bet as a mum you are going to be a bloody lioness - let that part of you come out and ROAR!!!!

Original poster

ddsmummytobe · 19/02/2012 20:32

Messages aren't police-worthy alas, just horrible about me by telling lies and generally bullying.

Thank you again for the support and good advice - I've just spent about an hour on the phone to a really kind man at the Samaritans and you were all right, it has helped a lot, he was an incredible listener and just let me cry and cry and tell him about everything. I spoke to him about not wanting to go to my GP because I've always wanted to adopt a child and I'm really worried that if I do get through this and come out the other side I'll be told I can't adopt because it will be on the record that I have been suicidal! He said he understood this, but does anybody know whether it's true - I'm pretty sure it is; if you've been suicidal in recent years you can't adopt?

I'm eating for the first time today, trying to look after baby, so that's a good sign! I just really wish I could get rid of all the horrible thoughts, and just protect myself from anymore horribleness so that I can just get myself back on an even keel at least!

Thanks all so much again, you're amazing! xxx

OP posts:

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 20:34

Keep up the good work! And try and take one day at a time. Glad the Samaritans man was helpful. They sound amazing

TheSecondComing · 19/02/2012 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppadumPreach · 19/02/2012 21:03

well done - that is a really positive step.

as theSecondComing says - it's you, your DP and your baby who are your family now. focus on them and them only.

keep talking here - there will always be someone listening.

forgottenandrioder · 19/02/2012 21:05

There is no law saying that you have to have any contact with his family. The best thing you can do iS keep away from them. If dp wants to speak to them or see them say fine but you do not want to be involved nor do you want to hear any negativity.

Explain to dp how much this is affecting you. Tell him how low you feel and that you don't want to break him up from his family but that you cannot physically or mentally cope with their shit anymore so you are not going to engage with it.

Good luck xxxx

WinkyWinkola · 20/02/2012 01:25

And if your sil does find this thread and start to bully you about it, DO let us know, won't you?

CinnabarRed · 20/02/2012 02:58

More (((hugs))) for you OP!

Morloth · 20/02/2012 05:35

You don't have an inlaw problem, you hav a DH problem.

If they are treating you like shit and he is allowing this to continue then he is treating you like shit.

runningwilde · 20/02/2012 06:33

I'm afraid I agree with morloth - your dh needs to put his foot down and say to his sister and parents that either they treat you with respect or you both won't see them. why are they like this with you?

You need to sort this now or they will try and take over your baby too when baby arrives.

Can you post in legal and ask anyone if they can pm you some advice?

With regards to your posting online, your sil can do one, you can come on here and talk about your problems all you want.

Your dh MUST stand up to them and you too. Show your dh this, let him know everything about how you feel.

Thankgodforcaffeine · 20/02/2012 08:41

Hi OP,

How are you feeling today?

porcamiseria · 20/02/2012 09:30

I am sorry. and it cant be easy dealing with this family and all of their shite

I think whatever happens you MUST start to stick up for yourself better. serously. You can ask your DP all you like, but you must also try and address this

They are bullies

I know this goes against the grain of some the advice on here. But I think you can also adress this too???

www.amazon.co.uk/Beat-Bully-Guide-Dealing-Bullying/dp/0955989914/ref=sr_1_30?ie=UTF8&qid=1329730025&sr=8-30

what have you got to lose? as life is going to always have bullying cxxt to contend with

you do sound very very low, I am so sorry. I called the samaritans when I was 9 mo pregnant and has a HUGE fight with DP, they were so kind and it really helped. Do try them

also agree that as of today TRIM THE TOXIC SIL

if she cant text you, if she cant email you on facebook, if you avoid contact....there is a limit to what this cxxt can do. Are you going to do anything about this

NanaASH · 20/02/2012 21:09

Hope you are feeling better today OP!

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/02/2012 21:29

dss, I am sorry you are having these problems with your sil, she sounds horrid. You need to look after yourself and your baby. I don't know anything about the adoption thing but I do know that there is a very real condition called pre natal depression. Please go and see your GP, yes you are low but if you need help then you must get it for the both of you. I do hope you feel stronger soon.

Original poster

ddsmummytobe · 21/02/2012 19:37

Thanks all so much. I'm feeling much better now. I think I'd been finding it all so hard for such a long time and variously trying to hide it from dp/ sometimes trying to express how I feel but not getting very far, that when the messages etc started coming at the weekend I just hit rock bottom and it's difficult to put into words but I felt completely helpless and hopeless and drained of any desire to fight anymore, I just wanted to give up, in fact I think I did give up. It was very bleak and scary and I have to say the Samaritans and you guys proved a genuine lifeline, I still feel like I don't know what I'd have done if I didn't have this outlet to keep just spilling it all out to. I spoke/ cried to my best friends over the weekend about what was happening, but could never in a million years tell them how low I was feeling - how do you put that sort of thing on a friend on the other end of a phone?! Despite them not knowing the full extent though the love and support that's poured out from them (I don't think they've ever heard me so upset) has been incredible and way more than I ever knew was there! Amazing. :)

I did end up telling dp, and he has been incredibly supportive and told his sister he won't be speaking to her again until if/when I feel ready, which I have to say I think has made me feel much more empowered - which is so important when what I was feeling before was totally powerless over that whole situation. I have to admit the bullying 'you will never write about me on the internet again' tone has also made me feel quite powerful in that I can jolly well do whatever I want; she has no power over me whatsoever.

Anyway, sorry to go on, I just wanted to let you all know I am feeling so much better, still a bit wobbly certainly, but a world away from the depths of despair of the weekend. I really think dp and I can work our way past this horrible time.

Thank you all so much again, I don't know where I'd be without you! x

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 21/02/2012 19:44

Just read the thread - well done to you OP. I am so glad you are feeling more empowered, and that you took the help you were offered. It takes real strength to do this when you are feeling so low. Your DH needs to keep up the good work now too.

runningwilde · 21/02/2012 20:07

Glad you feel better! What was her response? I hope she feels shamed the bully. Make sure you keep standing up for yourself. She is a coward and a bully, remember that and no more to you!

OriginalJamie · 21/02/2012 20:11

Hi dds

Glad things are looking up. We are always here, and keep talking to the people who love you.

ifeelloved · 21/02/2012 20:19

DDS, please don;t give up hope. Would your DP go to councelling? It may help him with how he deals with is family which will then help help him support you against his family. They are like this because they have been allowed to get away with it in the future.

Please keep talking to the Samaritans or on here under different names if necessary, it does sound as though your DP wants to do the right thing but doesn;t knwo how too.

I really hope things improve for you.

Thankgodforcaffeine · 21/02/2012 20:28

Hi OP! I am so glad you are feeling better and your DP is supporting you.

Take care of yourself and the baby x

PoppadumPreach · 21/02/2012 21:47

good news indeed!

Bossybritches22 · 23/02/2012 12:25

Well done OP you are realising that YOU have the control over this and you do NOT have to listen/suffer it. Powerful feeling eh?!

Glad your DH has stepped up to support you, it's hard for him to as he has years of this crap but as someone said up thread he & you & bump are your own little family unit now and you need to step away from his toxic family.

If any more texts come in just hand them to DH to read & delete so he knows what they are being like,just don't read them then they have no power or effect.

Is your SIL on MN much then or just to check up on you?

I'd like to throw her to the AIBU mafia & see what she say then!

Clytaemnestra · 23/02/2012 13:14

Well done OP! Glad you're feeling better. Your DP is doing much better as well. Keep on using Mumsnet as an outlet, if SIL ever posts here we'd all be thrilled to tell her exactly what we all think.

BalloonTwister · 23/02/2012 22:27

So glad things are looking up OP. How are you feeling now?

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