To feel SO low because of inlaws?

[ddsmummytobe]

I don't know whether this is the right place for this but I'm feeling really desperate for support. I've namechanged in an attempt to protect privacy.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, engaged to be married in a couple of weeks time and am genuinely beginning to wonder whether I can have the baby, whether I can marry into this family, and indeed whether I can even go on with life at all anymore. I can't believe I'm feeling this low, but I am.

I feel completely bullied by my inlaws, SIL in particular, and I feel completely, completely lost as to what to do. I feel like I should leave DP so he doesn't have to put up with the feuding anymore, but then again I feel like I wouldn't know how to live without him, and so can't help keeping returning to is just removing myself entirely from the situation by just ending it all is the only answer.

sorry if this is all such a downer. I just don't know what to do with myself and when dp assures me that it will get better in days or weeks or even years to come I can't help feeling that at this rate I probably won't be around that long. :(

I think the first thingyou need to do is point blank refuse to have anything to do with the SIL. You don't have to see her, you don't have to talk to her and you don't have to talk about her with your DP. You can even present it as being for her own good if she thinks she's being bullied by you. She can't do anything about what you write on here.

If you are having the family at the wedding then you can de-invite the SIL. Or elope. I really think you should elope.

Talk to your DP, I mean really talk to him. You're pregnant and vulnerable and he needs to be defending you.

And if she's sniffing around on here - Hi SIL! You're a cowbag! Please feel free to ring the police and tell them that I was mean to you.

Also, you can post in OTBT?

Thank you all so much for being so, so kind, reading it all made me burst into tears all over again. I can't run away from them because I love dp so much and he loves them so much - he never stands up to them, he tries, like he called his sister to ask her to stop the other night and ended up within seconds saying 'sorry, no, I'm only joking. how are you/ how're the children' etc. He tries to stand up to them but just crumbles, he can't stand up to them and as a result I feel like they know they can say what they like to me and there will be no consequences - the only power I have to change anything is to disappear - which would make them delighted I know, but at least I'd not have to see it anymore.

I just feel so ganged up upon and dp tries to see the best in them always, so he isn't quite 'on their side', but it does make me feel so alone and defenseless. I just feel so completely overwhelmed and I think being pregnant has a little bit made me miss having parents on my own, especially a mum, as I just wish I had somebody to talk to who loves me unconditionally and who doesn't get hurt by loving me - I feel so guilty every time dp does bring himself to try and talk to his family because it completely takes it out of his because it's so against his nature.

I just feel like I was so unhappy growing up as a little girl without a mum and dad and worked really hard to make a life for myself and when I met dp I really felt like I'd 'made it' and would never have to feel so helpless and abused again. But here I am and it all just seems so futile

Do you think you can book yourself into Relate for a session or two to go over this with a professional?

OK. I think you need to put the inlaws aside for a moment and concentrate on your DP.

I would seriously consider postponing the wedding and dealing with the issues first. Get some counselling sessions booked as a priority, because your DP needs to hear what you're saying and he needs to be able to put you first. Get him to write cowbag SIL an email if he can't cope with a phone call, and tell her not to bother call as you will not be answering.

Postponing the wedding might just give him the shock he needs to realise that you can't join him in the rolling over and taking it camp.

Do not answer the phone to your SIL, do not answer emails (block her) do not LET your DP talk to you about her. You can isolate yourself from her and not let her bully you.

(I think I know who you are from previous post. Your MIL and SIL are the ones in the wrong, not you)

You sound incredibly emotionally vulnerable at the moment. No wonder - you've a hell of a lot going on in your life.
I didn't have a mum growing up, and I remember feeling very lonely without 'her' while pregnant. Your in-laws should be taking this time to welcome you into the family, not making you feel so low.
I suggest you break contact with them, at least temporarily. Your DP can still see then if he wants. But you really should talk to him honestly about how bad things are. And I echo the suggestion if calling samaritans.
Keep talking here.

Hi OP,
I would agree that talking to your GP and also the Samaritans is definitely the way to go; you cannot keep all this to yourself.

I know it must be even harder for you because with a baby on the way and a wedding coming up people will expect you to feel on top of the world, and sometimes it just isn't that easy.

Your fiance seems very gentle and loving; does he know how low you are feeling? You and the baby are his family now, his mother and sister have to back off. Please talk to him, he clearly loves you and needs to know how awful you feel.

Look after yourself and the baby OP, I promise somehow it will get better. X

I agree with postponing the wedding...

I also think that your dp does not know just how awful you feel - otherwise surely he would stand up to his family..
If he does know how desperate you feel and he still does not stand up to his family then you need to think about how your relationship is to work and where you fit in with his priorities... (because frankly if I felt as desperate as you and my dp knew but was unable / unwilling to help me then I would have to re-evaluate the relationship)

Postpone the wedding, go to RELATE, but know that unless he starts standing up to them properly, he never will. Go to counselling and then see how he is but in the end it will come down to: he should stand up for you, but if he doesn't can you 'put up ad shut up' about it, because that's the end line.

But please, please postpone the wedding. My friend didn't and she had the same issue. His arse of a family then decided that meant they'd 'won' and she'd deal with it (their bullying) and after a year or two of the same as you describe above (and it only got worse!) her husband went from DP to an arse of a guy who continually winged about being put in the middle and tried to pander to both sides which only put my friend more in the dog house with his family.

Long and short is: either he'll change for you and stand up to them-which RELATE- will help with. Or he never will. And you have to decide after said help whether or not to actually put up and ignore it, or whether it's the deal breaker it sounds here and the deal breaker that broke my friend's marriage eventually.

You can't change a person but it sounds like he at least wants to stand up to them so RELATE will help you both their if that's the case.

Sorry you are going through this. At this time when you pregnant and need particular tlc, it is ironic that some people think it's a good time to have a pop at you. But that's bullies for you - just plain mean! They usually do it because they feel insecure and insignificant themselves.

Anyway, your DP really must be your protector here, and if he won't or can't, then stop contact with them until he does. I had all sorts of out of order behaviour from my mil when I first got married, and it only stopped when DH (finally) stood up for me.

Start a thread in relationships about this, and phone Samaritans (((hug)))

And I agree with what Mia4 says about her friend. He HAS to stand up for you - it is crucial to health of your partnership. I would have left DH if he hadn't stood up for me.

Whatever happens though OP, it will be okay. Offload here and avoid the ils

if he is not standing up to his family I think you should call off the wedding until he shows himself capable of protecting you. I have been in that situation. the fault lay with h there were a lot of rows about it. it lead to a lot of resentment on my part. it was not a healthy relationship.

calling off the wedding is an option
going to relate is an option.
you don't need to be in a relationship where you are exposed to bullying and are not supported. your lovely baby will not need it. you can choose different, even if it does not feel like it at the moment.

take care of yourself and protect yourself.

It really isn't dp's fault, he tries so hard. His sister sent a vile message about me today and he was shocked and did respond to say that he wouldn't be in touch again until I was ready. That was by far the strongest he's ever been but I'm not pleased because as much as he says it's how he feels and what he wants to do I know he'll find it so, so hard, his sister will have already told his mum and his mum will get in touch with him to tell him how unfair he's being and he'll just feel so guilty about it all. I honestly just don't want to be the cause of anymore of his hurt and it is just a fact that as long as I'm around he will hurt because either his family will continue to hurt me or he'll choose between us and if he chooses me, which he says he would, he'll then have to spend the rest of his life riddled with guilt and regret for his family lost.

Thank you for the Samaritans advice. I have got their website up and thinking about calling them, but honestly don't really feel up to it, and I don't really know what the point of my call would be - to moan a bit more? I don't know, I've stopped crying now but I just feel like I haven't got the energy to cry anymore, or to argue anymore, or to do anything at all. I haven't eaten all day and dp keeps offering me things and I just can't face anything. I definitely feel differently than I did this morning, somebody asked about self-harming and this morning I just had an overwhelming urge to punch myself hard in the stomach, but when I tried it was like a protective instinct kicked in (I'd previously wanted this baby more than anything in the world, more than words can say) and I ended up punching myself hard in the chest instead, over and over again. Now I feel like I haven't the energy to do anything at all. I just locked myself in the bathroom with a razor, but I know you can't really do anything conclusive with a razor, so I just sat there in the bath, in the dark, doing nothing, until dp got worried and I came out and came back to write again here as I don't know what else to do.

I'm so sorry to put all of this negativity out there, I just can't explain it, I feel like I've just got to get it all out and I just feel so scared and confused and lost. Your kind words above have really helped, so thank you so much for that.

DP has actually been so upset about the whole thing too that yesterday he said he was driving home and thought to himself 'if I had a car crash everyone would get together about my hospital bed and make things up with one another'. This is probably the most heartbreaking, scary thing anybody's ever said to me - I love him so, so much and I just don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to him. I can't help thinking though that there's an element of truth in what he says, but in that if I weren't here anymore, they'd be nice to him and pretend to be sad I was gone and look after him while he got over it and then he could be happy again and get on with them again like he did before I came along and ruined everything. I just want to do what's right by him. He can't really be blamed for being too nice and too soft, but I genuinely can't see any way that his family are going to be ok with him without me removing myself from the situation.

Hey SIL
Ahm no feerd o the like o youse

C'mon here ya bass

Go on then report me to the "authorities"

How pathetic do you have to be to bully someone over what they have expressed on an internet forum? Anonymously?

OP you need to have a serious talk with your DP, does he realise how close he is to loosing you and the baby?

None of this is your fault or your responsibilty.

This "getting on" he has with his family is an illusion, a papering over of the cracks. If all it takes for his family to be vile is for him to have a girlfriend, then if it weren't you, it would be something else.

You need some real-life support - psychotherapy- to help you get to a point where you expect full support from those who love you.

OP, you do not have to put up with this.
Right now you feel helpless, but, trust me, with the right help you and your DP will see your situation very differently, and be able to disengage from what sound like rather toxic and damaged people. Just take the first step and you will feel more in control of events. Pick up the phone to your GP, make an appointment and tell him or her everything that is going on with your pregnancy, partner, SIL, and your self harming urges. Ask for a referral to a counsellor or therapist with expertise in couples counselling. You and your partner are in this together and will find the best solution together. Good luck!

I don't mean to sound harsh to your DP - he has probably been put in his place for so long he finds it hard to be assertive. It sounds like he has made a start. Give him the credit for making his own decisions. If he chooses you, as he says he would, then he will have done so for his own benifit as well as yours. He does have a choice.

Awww, sweetheart!!

Where about are you? There's bound to be a mumsnetter nearby who could help, or at least offer pregnancy advice and so forth.

The SIL to go and fuck herself.

She's not your 'job'. Let her brother deal with her. Block her emails, facebook and other stuff. Don't speak to her.

If she can't be nice then she doesn't deserve your attention.

Concentrate on yourself, your baby and your DP. You guys are the important ones.

If your MIL/SIL cared about their son/brother, they wouldn´t be nasty to you, OP.

Your does not get on with his family. He is cowed by them. Awful. And now they're trying to do the same to you.

Perhaps they're worries they won't be able to bully him anymore if you two are strong together as a team.

Sil sent a vile text about you? Your dp should have called her up and said he didn't want to see her again for being so foul. That kind of standing up for you and himself is required here.

as long as I'm around he will hurt because either his family will continue to hurt me or he'll choose between us and if he chooses me, which he says he would, he'll then have to spend the rest of his life riddled with guilt and regret for his family lost. >>

OP your partner is the only one who can change this situation and can sort it out. Now granted i get what you say (this is so similar to my friend's situation!) but isn't it fair to give him that choice? You are right, you shouldn't have to deal with this situation but it seems to come down to either losing you-which will hurt him- or possibly being at odds losing his family who sound like controlling c*s.

He may not regret it, it might be like a breath of fresh air to lose them. I know someone whose family was vile to her partner, she stood up to them and told them he was her choice, that he would always be her choice and it was their choice to be civil and friendly and accept them both or leave them both. They were at odds for five years but now, now it's okkay. The family apologised and realised what giant gits they were being.

Now it may happen that way in your case or he may lose them- but much as it may hurt a bit what could hurt more: losing people who try to control him, don't respect him, his choices and the mum-to-be of his child or losing the person who loves him so much she'd rather walk away then put him through that? Says a whole lot about you in comparison to them OP.

Go to RELATE together and then make a choice, make one seperately and make one apart.

It´s sad isn´t it that he is so desperate for a relationship with people who are horrible to his partner?

How vile are the messages you recieve?

Are you up for taking them down to the police? She might realise what an evil little gobshite she is once she's recieved a police warning.

They will take it seriously too. When I broke up with my ex I had to get the police involved due to aggressive/unkind text messages which he seemed to think were okay to send.

That might do the trick. If you can't then I'll happily do it for you.

How old is she? Is she still a teenager? Or an adult? I only ask because if she's an adult then she may some some kind of 'mental issues' of her own.

Do call the Samaritans. The person on the other end of the phone won't pressure you to talk unless you want to. Sometimes people just call to know that there's someone out there on the other end of the phone, just listening to their silence. Sometimes people call to cry. Sometimes people call and end up chatting about nothing and everything until they get some balance back. The person you reach will have experienced all of these, and more. And you will feel a little better - more peaceful - afterwards. I can all but guarantee it.

((((hugs))))