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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what I'm doing wrong?

49 replies

hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:08

I have recently been dabbling in internet dating, RL having entirely failed to throw up anyone suitable. I first tried it a couple of years back, went on a few dates but no real success.

So, since the start of the year, I've exchanged messages with a number of men, and got to the stage of exchanging numbers/arranging dates with 5 of those.

And every single one of those 5 has cancelled/disappeared.

The odd vanisher I understand. Likewise the odd one who gets cold feet. But 5?! It seems rather too many to be simple coincidence, so AIBU to ask where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 22:11

Hey Ive been doing it myself since the beginning of the year, Ive had one date and dated him three times now, its awful though. Dire.

Three of mine have disappeared who arranged dates, one just vanished. The other just glosses over questions like Ive not asked them.

Weirdos.

Its not you seriously, its them. Just unlucky.

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:16

One of my friends has had similar experiences - don't take it personally. It's only mid February, there are a lot of guys on dating sites who bottle out of a date - perhaps they are nothing like their profile picture, suffer from social anxiety, weigh 30 stone not 13, it could be any number of things.

Are you on a subscription dating site?

OkayGrrl · 17/02/2012 22:19

it's them, not you.

Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:22

I don't think there's any way to take it other than personally.

If lets say I'd arranged dates with 10 guys, and 5 cancelled/vanished, I'd think ok, that's just the odds. But this is every date I've arranged, haven't had one which has taken place! :(

I just don't understand where I'm going wrong.

I was on a paying site before, but the men weren't that great, for reasons of economy am only on free ones now.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 22:22

Im on POF and get 20 mails a day its about sifting the shit from the pile but it takes ages

Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:23

See I think it has to be me.

I just wish I knew what it was, where I go wrong.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 22:23

Its the men you are attracted to that is wrong, hey one talked to me on th phone for a week, text 100 times a day, on the saturday 2 hours before the date he just disappeared.

One we were eating on ike a house on fire and the next morning his profile had gone.

Another two dates arranged and pooof like they were not arranged try to talk about it he ignores the question.

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 22:24

Its not you. Honestly, it isn't.

Ive had it too.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 17/02/2012 22:25

I'm going to be blunt (in an attempt to be helpful!) When the dates were mentioned, how did you react? Laid back? Excited? 'Oh my god I've got to organise a bavysitter'?

Any chance to could have come across as too needy or too forward?

OkayGrrl · 17/02/2012 22:27

It's probably because they can be anyone they want on the internet/texts/phone but when you meet them it's not so easy to pretend.

It really isn't you.

workshy · 17/02/2012 22:32

I think men a women use these sites differently

men seem to chat to several women at the same time, will arrange several dates, if they find someone they like they will ditch all the other women they are talking to -usually without telling them

women seem to talk to fewer men and will only arrange to meet 1 at a time

how long are you chatting before agreeing to meet?
It might be worth considering meeting someone after a week or two -also saves wasting time on someone who you like via messages but have absolutely no connection with in real life

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 22:36

Yeah don't talk for too long, meet within ten days.

Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:38

Blunt is good! All constructive criticism appreciated Grin

I haven't suggested a date, I've let them all ask me. I was over-excited about one probably, but that was because he'd offered me a spare ticket to come with him to an Arsenal game (and I've supported Arsenal since I was a kid but never been, so was understandably quite happy about that offer!)

I only arrange dates when my Dc are on their weekend with their dad, or out with friends in the day, so never mention babysitters or anything.

I don't think I come across as too forward - they were mostly more enthusiastic than me!

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:40

With all of the 5, we were talking about meeting within a week, the actual dates were a few days/week after, depending on when I was free, so would have been within 2 weeks in total, I'm not one for dragging it out.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 17/02/2012 22:47

Hm, not you then. My 'rules' were always to meet ASAP (no point building a bloke up in your mind before meeting him!) which you're doing and to be enthusiastic, but not gushing, about what was suggested.

Erm... Cast your net wider?

I would have jumped at the arsenal offer too btw Grin

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:48

OkayGrrl has said exactly what I wanted to say - please don't take it personally. I bet if you put 'why did he cancel our date' into google, you would find dozens of similar tales regarding internet dating.

Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 22:54

Cast my net wider? Other sites do you mean? Have tried other free ones but never found anyone I even wanted to send a message to let alone have a date with!

I really do take it personally. I know of course a certain amount of flakiness is to be expected, BUT that's all I seem to get. I must be the only person who cannot get a single date on there.

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 23:10

I am starting to despair a bit. How can I think of ever having a relationship, I can't even get a first date let alone beyond that? How is it so much easier for everyone else?

OP posts:
mamaggie · 17/02/2012 23:15

What about an old fashioned lonely hearts ad, like the Metro have, with their Urban Dating section? You can put exactly what you are looking for and then you get to decide which of the men who reply you get to meet up with.

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2012 23:20

OK well think of it this way. These guys have some reason why they're not meeting you - they may not be as they portray themselves (old photo, wife, etc) or they may have several women on the go.

Isn't it better that they let you down by going quiet, rather than meeting you and messing you about?

Have you tried My Single Friend? That's supposed to be good. POF is well known as a meat market. Guardian Soulmates is supposed to be good, but you can go for months without seeing anyone interesting. Could you sign up as a free member then join for a month if you see someone you like the look of?

Which site contained the duds?

Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 23:24

I suppose it might be worth a try - but I'm quite selective anyway, and my profile already says what I'm looking for, so not sure if it would make much difference Confused. I probably only reply to 10% of the messages I get, and then a fraction of those go on to be potential dates. Or not.

I'm 40 in May. When I was 36, and sad about being single, my friends all said, oh you won't be single this time next year.

Over 3 years have come and gone, still single, now seemingly unable to even get a date :(

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 17/02/2012 23:27

All of the duds were from POF. No, I wouldn't want to be messed around, but can they really all be duds, can I really be that unlucky? I'm not sure.

Guardian soulmates is not at all my cup of tea, I've never seen anyone on there I'd be interested in (I've thought about joining a few times, but doesn't seem much point)

OP posts:
mamaggie · 17/02/2012 23:33

Try not to get to desperate about being single - you said you'd only been internet dating since the start of the year, and it's only February. Forget these five no-shows, put yourself out there a bit more, Guardian Soulmates, Urban Dating, My Single Friend, etc. Don't Plenty Of Fish have social events, like country walks/pub nights that everyone can go to, with or without an date?

Then there's always widening your current social circle, and meet some new people, male and female (think brothers/cousins/friends). Join a hiking/running/cycling/climbing/caving/kitesurfing club and get yourself happy.

macbookdeath · 17/02/2012 23:35

Are you only using free sites???

Just a thought that will reflect who is using the site and how seriously they are taking the dating on it.

If you are paying for subscription you are by nature going to be more committed, in theory, to finding a new partner because its a financial as well as an emotional investment.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 17/02/2012 23:36

No, I mean be less selective with the men you chat to. You can't tell much from a photo & a few lines so talk to the 'ok' ones as well as the 'great' ones & you may be surprised. I nearly didn't meet I've guy as he didn't look like my 'type' and sounded flaky in his profile. He was persistent though and offered me dinner so I decided to get my money's worth (match.com so I had paid to be on there) & agreed to meet him. Three years later, we're engaged & have a gorgeous DS [grin[

You should of course be selective about who you agree to see again once you've met them & got to know them better.