to wonder what I'm doing wrong?

[hatesponge]

I have recently been dabbling in internet dating, RL having entirely failed to throw up anyone suitable. I first tried it a couple of years back, went on a few dates but no real success.

So, since the start of the year, I've exchanged messages with a number of men, and got to the stage of exchanging numbers/arranging dates with 5 of those.

And every single one of those 5 has cancelled/disappeared.

The odd vanisher I understand. Likewise the odd one who gets cold feet. But 5?! It seems rather too many to be simple coincidence, so AIBU to ask where am I going wrong?

I would guess that a lot of them are married, and think of internet dating sites as a way to get a bit of extra excitement, lead a few women on, say the right things, maybe get a few filthy texts/pictures then progress onto phone sex.

I know two men in RL that do just that, a lot.

Oh I've been on this since just before christmas.

They're all bloody liars so far. I've had 2 dates so far as its just weirdos.

The last one failed to tell me he had a 17 yo son. Not really a problem but he made it out he didn't have any at all then all of a sudden he mentioned him

Then he wouldn't answer certain questions either.

I cancelled our last date because I just couldn't be bothered with any more jackanory tales. Then all of a sudden I got an email from playstation network thanking me ofr registering with them. It had his name address and my email. WTAF??? Weirdo!!!

Mac I don't think using free sites is a reflection of the person. I'm using a free site now

I've paid for a couple of sites though and the result was just the same.

I've even hidden my picture now to see it its just shallow people that message me. Guess what, I was right!!

Well its safe to say I look good but I must have a crap personallity

I wouldn't want to message someone who didn't have a picture. Its not shallow imho, I do think having at least half an idea who you are talking to is important to ultimately deciding how seriously you want to take things.

And trust me, knowing the trolls I do, free dating sites are just a bad idea.

I agree that you don't always get better people on paid sites, they were slightly less flaky on them perhaps but I do remember still having a few who vanished after dates were arranged.

I'm not desperate I don't think - but I've been single for nearly 4 years now. I've tried meeting people in RL, I tried internet dating 2/3 years ago - not much success, last year (ditto) and the latest attempt is proving the least successful.

It's not easy - good luck :)

I should just add I don't exchange any form of dirty texts/pictures/phone sex with them, that's not me. TBH I'd struggle to do that with someone I was dating, let alone anyone I hadn't met. So it's not like they're getting a cheap thrill off me - and anyone who send me a dodgy message, or a naked picture, just gets immediately deleted and blocked.

Oh no I have pictures on there but I will only show them to people who have actually read my profile before messaging me. A lot don't which annoys me.

I'm not saying its all bad 2 of my best friends got married after meeting oon the sight. the woman never put a picture btw. H arranged to meeting her without having a clue what she looked like.

I have my pictures hidden, so only send them to guys I choose to reply to, or if I send the first message I attach them so they can see what I look like.

Honestly? I think that might be where you're going wrong. You need to have photos on your profile. They show people what you're like. Yes, it shows how you look, but more importantly it shows what you're into ( are the photos of you on holiday? What kind of holiday? Are you out walking? Or dancing? Do you tend to smile in pics? Are you willing to put a daft pic up? A picture tells a thousand words & all that). I never ever communicated with blokes without pics when I did online dating. I wondered what they had to hide or - more importantly - who they were hiding from! I assumed they were married, not over an ex (&worried she may see them online) or weren't taking the dating seriously and were embarrssed by it.

I also agree that the paid for sites are better. Cynically I always had a 'get my money back' policy. I'd accept as many dates as possible so that the dinners, drinks etc I was bought would cancel out the cost of membership. I know that sounds grabby, but ultimately, it worked!

Hatesponge, it's definitely them not you.

I had a very similar experience. Internet dated on and off for years while in a crappy non-relationship till I was 39. Then I met DP (Guardian soulmates) who was completely genuine and we now have a family (we went traveling and then I had DS when I was 41).

I know it's hard when you're waiting to meet someone but you must keep the mindset that you are choosing, not being chosen.

Definitely paying sites only.

Keep going OP, it's them not you! You have to sort out the wheat from the chaff and this takes time. I know 3 people who have met their partners through on line dating so it does work but it took a lot of time and they had to develop very thick skins while they were doing it. Good luck! :)

As someone who has done a fair whack of internet dating, and met a long-term partner on a site, and had a life-changing encounter with someone I would call a 'soul mate' in the truest sense of the word for me ... there are a few things that you might consider, hatesponge, that you're not doing now.

1. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. I don't mean sexting or dirty photos, but open your options to a point beyond where you would usually be prepared to go. For example, strike up a conversation with someone whom you wouldn't usually categorise as 'your type', be a bit bold - ask them out instead of waiting for an invitation - that kind of thing shifts the inertia and creates more options.

2. Include photos of yourself. Essential.

3. Consider a subscription-based site. I was on Guardian Soulmates and Match.com, and the 'feel' there is so much better than POF, which felt like wading through a tide of disillusionment, imo.

4. Use your intuition rather than your intellect. Look at a person's eyes - they can tell you a whole lot about themselves. Combine what you get from looking at their eyes with what they are writing about themselves: Does it tally? Is there a dissonance? If so, look for why - there's your warning sign. How does their profile make you feel, in short. Don't discount feelings that are scary but in an exciting way - not ones that make you feel queasy. Scary-exciting is at the edge of your comfort zone. See what happens if you edge over it.

HTH

A-hem ... Let me rephrase point 1): "I don't necessarily mean sexting or dirty photos ..."

In my opinion (and only my opinion; this isn't 'fact'), there's sexting and then there's sexting; there are dirty pictures, and then there are dirty pictures. The difference between the two lies in context and in who it is that you're in a conversation with.

I was approached by a man who was making it very clear he wanted phone sex with me, and I turned him down flat. No two ways about it. He felt wrong - the whole situation felt wrong. However, one man I met blew my 'no sexting/no photos' theory out of the water. It just felt right with him, and it was an experience I regret not one iota.

Have you got a cat? (Guessing you've seen Single White Feline on youtube)

OP. It's not you. Well, I don't know you personally, but I mean I'd be very surprised if it were your fault in any way.
I internet dated on and off for 5 years, and eventually did get 2 long term relationships, a handful of new friends and lots of interesting dates with completely unsuitable people out of it. I too only used free sites, nothing wrong with that in the slightest, but I'd say about 80% of the people I texted/chatted with didn't materialise.
As someone else said, there are a lot of married men on free sites (even paid sites) who just want a bit on the side. I think if you persevere, you will find a few half way decent people along the way. It can be a really soul destroying experience at times so really, don't take it personally.
As it happens, I eventually met DP (father of my child) outside a pub on Christmas day in rural Wales while I was up visiting my mum so the strangest things do happen! Best of luck and stick in there.

Re the photos, it's only with the most recent 2 failed dates that they've been hidden. Prior to that I've always had them on my profile. The main difference since hiding them seems to be slightly fewer pervy emails. Amusingly I get several commenting on my lovely photos (obviously C&P standard message) which get instantly deleted.

So I don't think it's the photo thing. It's not like I'm not getting messages, or asked on dates. I do. it's just they all disappear beforehand. Or cancel. Or both.

and I do send the first message sometimes. Not often, but I have done it. I do only find certain types of men physically attractive (I couldn't date someone shorter than me for example - but I am only 5' 6 so that doesnt narrow it down unreasonably) but I am open minded in terms of age, interests, work etc, I don't just discount men because they have certain jobs for ex.

I do usually have pretty good intuition re men, I've spotted (& ceased contact with) a couple of attached ones who were claiming to be single. that makes these 5 failed dates so annoying, because there were no warning signs, all going swimmingly one minute, not the next.

I know things dont happen overnight. But nearly 4 years - and that's 4 years of being out there, I work, I socialise a lot, I've done the internet thing, and in all that time I've had (I think) 6 or 7 dates in total. No second dates. Now I can't even get to a first one.

I just can't see how I'm ever going to progress. I really can't bear thinking that in another 4 years I will be in EXACTLY the same position, still trying and failing to get even one date, and nowhere near any kind of a relationship.

Can you ride a bike OP? If so, can I suggest you head to the cafe of any local forest on a Sunday afternoon? Wall to wall hot mountain bikers

I live in the London suburbs, I don't think we have any forests round here...

There is a huge open space at the end of my road, sort of like a country park type thing. No cafe or cyclists, but it is always full of men walking their dogs. Unfortunately i don't have one (not possible as I'm out of the house 12 hours a day) and can't think of anyones I could borrow! I do go jogging walking over there quite often, but no success.

I agree with taking up some sort of outdoor activity, lots of fresh air and exercise and the opportunity to meet tons of fit, healthy men. Is there anything you do now, or fancy doing?

My friend joined a climbing club and was inundated with offers - she didn't join for that reason, she was keen to climb, and none of us were brave enough to learn with her. She did meet her rather lovely husband though.

Does that park have ParkRun or British Military Fitness classes? Men.
Pub quiz? Men. Beer/cider festivals? Men.

I do a fair bit of walking but thats a) to assist weightloss and b) because I don't drive and am too tight to pay for the bus but that's about it.

I'm really not the outdoors type. I went here once. I started crying and had a panic attack on one of the (easy) sections and had to be helped down by the staff Getting muddy or dirty actually makes me quite upset.

I love quizzes and things BUT I haven't found much going on locally tbh, what there is always seems to be during the week which is not ideal due to work and DC.

There must a local walking group? Although having said that, the one near me is populated by older ladies and one solitary chap who looks to be in his 70's.

You don't have to go for the outdoor, adventurous kind of activities to meet men, although there does seem to be a higher proportion of men who do the dare devil stuff like kite surfing and paragliding - both of which fill me with horror.

I took my kids to Go Ape (they are teenagers) and they loved it. I wouldn't have had the courage to even go on the easy section, so well done for getting on it in the first place.:o

What about a samll ad in Urban Dating?

*small ad. Why does my spell check not work on here?