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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DP to indulge in S&M

34 replies

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 18:26

Well, it IS friday after all!

My DP and I have an active sex life and a loving, if not perfect, relationship.

I am sexually submissive, and i like to indulge my fantasies from time to time, without too much detail, they can be quite extreme. My DP isn't comfortable with hurting me, but done properly it is the best rush in the world. Is it too much of an ask to ask someone who you trust with your life, to push the limits from time to time?

Really interested in hearing people's views on this as i am clearly not the only person who feels like this and i really wonder what motivates me. The thing is, if this was the opposite and my DP was actually requesting to do these things to me, that would make me quite uncomfortable, but sometimes i just want to say, no, when i say i want it to hurt, i mean it - because i do.

I'm not without issues, but im pretty sane. I just wondered if anyone else cares to namechange (i haven't, but i have returned to mnet after quite a break) and share their thoughts. And no, im not a journalist - ive been on mumsnet a LONG time, i remember cod, moldiegate and the kitchen utensil fetishist.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 17/02/2012 18:29

I never understand why people say they remember cod,moldiegate etc, anyone can say that Wink

As for your post - I have no desire to share ANYTHINg that dh and I get up to thank you very much! Grin

Voidka · 17/02/2012 18:29

YANBU to ask

YABU to expect him to do something he isnt comfortable with.

HeteronormativeBuckethead · 17/02/2012 18:31

The thing is, if you have a particular sexual requirement, I think this should be part of the criteria for choosing a partner in the first place. If you didn't establish your sexual tastes at the outset, it's hardly surprising that your DP isn't falling into line and satisfying your needs now.

It's not hard to find places where particular fetishes are catered for, and to find partners who are into what you're into.

Kayzr · 17/02/2012 18:31

I think you are being a little bit U.

I quite similar to you I think and I am lucky in that DP is quite happy to oblige. He will even suggest new things I hadn't thought of before.

But I wouldn't ever want him to do anything he didn't feel comfortable with. I don't think it would be very enjoyable if I knew he didn't want to do it.

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 18:31

he wouldnt do anything he wasnt comfy with voidka, i probalby didnt word that very well, i should have maybe said AIBU to do it at all, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 18:34

Sorry, i think i should really clarify that I would never expect him to do stuff he isnt comfy with, my post does come across that way and thts not the way it is. Sometimes i wish he would up the ante a bit but I know that is too much to ask.

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Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 18:35

oh and "heterowotisthead" he does satisfy me, he reaaaally does Grin

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Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 18:36

Gawd, i screwed that up didn't i Blush

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catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 18:50

YANBU to have asked him but he said he isn't comfortable so you can't make him

Why don't you ask him what makes him uncomfortable and see if you can talk round it or just start of very vanilla with a bit of spanking or something and see if you can build it up if he does enjoy it and gets mores comfortable.

Or maybe try a quid pro quo thing, where you see if there is something he would like to try and both agree to give the others thing a whirl?

How long have you been together as it seems a bit odd to me that this is your sexual preference and it has only just cropped (ahem) up?

Flatbread · 17/02/2012 19:04

I too like S&M and both give and get some delicious pleasure-pain. But DH is not into it. And even if he tries, I know his heart is really not in it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I wouldn't hold out for the situation to change either Grin

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 17/02/2012 20:40

I'm so old and jaded, although the thread title caught my eye, my hairy toe seeker senses are on full alert! Confused Grin

ballroomblitz · 17/02/2012 21:09

I could namechange and reveal a lot more Grin

Dp was never into it before he met me. YANBU to suggest it to him but you have to face facts if he really is not into it.

Slowly slowly is the way I did it. Researched a lot myself and sent him links to articles about it, made him aware of lifestyle social websites, lent him my Screw the Roses book etc. He was very dubious at the start but since admitted there is something in him that that side appeals to him. He's still not as into it as I am. Maybe something we will be able to work on, maybe not.

Shoopaloop · 17/02/2012 21:17

I gave up really rough sex when I met my DH, because he just isn't into it. Its not a turn on if you arent both into it 100%, is it?

You have to respect your DH's tastes and desires.

But how about introducing gentle S&M - hands tied with silk scarves, role play etc etc - to see if he gets the taste?

It was introduced to me that way Wink

Cabrinha · 17/02/2012 21:25

YANBU to ask, but that's as far as it goes. I think asking someone to hurt you if different to, say, asking if they'll dress up as a maid. Some things you might think aren't for you, but you may as well have a go. But hurting someone is a horrid thing to do (if you're not both into it I mean) so I just don't think you can even try, if it leaves you cold. If something like dressing up doesn't work you'd just be all 'oh well', but I know I'd have some heavy duty feelings leftover from knowing I'd deliberately hurt my partner, whatever their feelings.
I do think partners should push their own boundaries for each other, in respectful and caring relationships. I once let my then partner call me bitch/whore etc as he said he'd like to try... Now there are things that I have done that don't do it for me, but I've done to please a partner (cos the pleasing can do it for you, rather than specifically the act, anyway). But the verbal abuse one I just had to say 'sorry, no', as I found it offensive.
So I don't think it's reasonable to push on something that actually isn't a nice thing to do - when you're not into it.

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 21:32

What yo9u have to bear in mind is that he might not be into it like you are, and just like we would advise a woman if you don't like something don't do it the same should be said about him, if he is not comfortable and does not want to do it you don't do it. You find your kicks elsewhere but no one part of a couple should have to do something because the other one wants them to.

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 21:33

Like a lot of men like anal yet loads of women would say no way ever. Same thing here.

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 21:42

Thanks guys, but to be fair, its not that he wont, he DOES indulge me, not to the extent i desire but i recognise that its just not him and i wouldnt change him for anything. I just wondered generaly how people felt about it all, you know it is so so wrong to hurt your partner, really really wrong - but there is something just so primevil in it for me, and many otheres. I dont know why i like it , i wish i did. We have been together for 20 years and our sex life is far far from vanilla, but really, i just wish that he would just totally step into the role once or twice. Saying that, i am a very lucky girl, he is a lovely, kind and considerate man, i should think if he wasn't and he so much as raised a hand to me, id take his face off.

OP posts:
MrsBeakman · 17/02/2012 21:46

We need full details. (It is Friday night!) Then you can namechange afterwards. :o

NorthernWreck · 17/02/2012 21:47

Well, I don't know. What are we talking here? A light playful spanking, or getting seven shades of shit beaten out of you with a rubber hose?

Shoopaloop · 17/02/2012 21:48

The best sex I ever had was seriously S&M. But again, I ill say to you: if he's not into it, find other ways to have fun. My DH is a gentle type, and you can have just as much fun that way...

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 21:51

details??? perv Wink gawd,im not sure i want to go into details (yet)! But the desire for this sort of thing runs deep and i just wonder where it comes from. I am not a particularly strong woman in real life, so its not a case of stron woman needs cave man in the bedroom.

For me, it is the ultimate in trust and surrender, but also the endorphin rush for me is beyond description. No orgasm needed

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Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 21:52

not sure about the rubber hose northern, but we are not talkin a light spanking either - wuss Wink

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NorthernWreck · 17/02/2012 22:18

Ooh, it all sounds a bit painful. I prefer M and S.

thecook · 18/02/2012 00:27

Can you persuade your DP to go to a fetish club with you?

StealthPenguin · 18/02/2012 09:00

Leave the bastard Wink

This is why me and DP work. I'm able to be both dominant and submissive, but he's mostly submissive. Sometimes he gets in the mood to bark orders at me and tie me up, and because it's not that often it is the best sex I've ever had.

We work in perfect harmony Grin

I reiterate: leave the bastard Wink