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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unable to accept his wishes?

30 replies

missmaryp · 17/02/2012 14:33

Hello ladies,

I hope you're not going to roll your eyes as I really do need your words of wisdom.
Basically, me and partner of 3 years have a daughter each, when we got together we didn't want more children but surprise surprise I changed my mind. It's been pretty much consuming said mind since about a year and a half ago.

My partner feels he has compromised by changing his mind to agreeing to more children, but that I must also compromise by waiting. This conversation was 6 months ago and he asked I wait a year so August is the goal in mind.

I reluctantly agreed, as I felt i had little choice, but since then it has been regularly brought up by me because I want nothing more than to be at home raising our family. I have tried so bloody hard to shut up and accept its not that long to wait, but every time I come on my period or a friend announces she is pregnant it ends up in me pissing him off by bringing it up AGAIN.

He thinks by doing so, I am showing his wishes are less important than mine.

I don't see it that way. I'm bringing it up because it is making me jealous and miserable and he is my partner and has shown me with his love that I can and should share my feelings with him.

I hate causing negativity between us. And I wish I could just shut up and be patient, but it eats me up inside. I am close to tears every time I come on my period, whenever we have sex I am focused on the chance he might change his mind and just - you know- this time. It's ridiculous, and I understand why he gets annoyed with me when I keep pushing him to change his mind.

I don't want to push him away.

AMIBU to keep talking to him about it?

OP posts:
Kayano · 17/02/2012 14:38

I agree with him

He has compromised and said yes
So I would just leave it at that. Constant nagging will achieve nothing but resentment and annoyance

mojitomania · 17/02/2012 14:40

YABU really OP. You both went into the relationship not wanting more kids. You changed your mind. He has said OK but not just yet which is totally fair enough. I don't want to be unkind but you do really need to get a grip etc. as you will push him away. It is all rather "Me, me me" from your post.

How old are you by the way? Will you be a SAHM? Would your finances stand up to this?

Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 14:40

It's always a mistake to try and force a partner into having more children if they are reluctant. The more you go on about it (as I'm sure you know) the more you are likely to put him off altogether and risk pushing him away.

This is such a fundamental issue for a couple that you really do have to take his views into consideration. If you can't reach agreement then your relationship is going to be on ever more shaky ground.

overmydeadbody · 17/02/2012 14:42

Yes, YABU

He has compromised, he has given you a timeframe, it's not that long, you need to get over your obsessions and really really not mention it to him.

You're going to make what could be an amazing exciting thing into something that is stressful and has negative feelings attached to it.

Nagging is never nice. Stop talking about it.

SarahBumBarer · 17/02/2012 14:42

YABVVVU Instead of giving him time to accept the idea and be positive about it you are making it more and more of an issue and creating resentment. Grow up.

lisaro · 17/02/2012 14:43

You're being VU. Give him a break, you've already got him to agree to a child he didn't want, with the proviso that you wait a short time. You'll drive him away.

PeppyNephrine · 17/02/2012 14:43

You changed your mind on a huge issue very quickly it seems. He compromised, and now you want more.

Original poster
missmaryp · 17/02/2012 14:44

Thank you, it really does help to hear people on his side!

I'm well aware pushing will do no good, and I certainly don't want to try and make him change hs mind, although that doesn't stop me wishing he would. I suppose I can keep my wishes to myself!

Its hard though, when I feel miserable and jealous, to hide that.

OP posts:
raspberryroop · 17/02/2012 14:45

YABVU - Your going to end up driving him away, if all you make him feel like is a sperm doner. He has made a major compromise - your whining is irritating me just reading your post - its like a toddler pestering for an ice cream before dinner when they know they are for pudding.

And sorry if it sound harsh but he HAS made a major compromise

JustHecate · 17/02/2012 14:45

Neither of you is being unreasonable really. You want another child - you are entitled to change your mind about that. It's not unreasonable to change your mind.

He is also not unreasonable to not want another child.

What would be unreasonable would be either of you trying to force the other into (or out of) it. iyswim.

When he said wait a year and then ok, do you think he really meant in a year he would, or do you think he thought you'd have changed your mind in a year?

Because that's another thing that would be unreasonable. One partner keeping the other one hanging on with promises of next year, next year, next year, when really they mean no but don't want to say so.

Meanwhile, time is ticking on and the one who does want a child is denied the opportunity to make an informed decision. - do they stay with the person and forget about another child, or do they want another child more than they want to be in the relationship?

Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 14:47

It's not a question of "being on his side" but a question of reasonability. You've made an agreement with your dp to wait until August. If you carry on nagging, you might well not have a partner in August.

SarahBumBarer · 17/02/2012 14:47

Just enjoy your friends pregnancies and babies for a while and make some plans (with DP and your DD's) to do a few nice things that you wont be able to one you are pg/tied to tiny baby.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 17/02/2012 14:49

YABU, and you are going to push him away of you keep going on about it.

I see where you are coming from when you say that you want to be able to share the way you feel with the person you love, I used to think the same. But over the years I have changed my mind. You cannot expect to get all the love and support you will ever need from one person only. It's better to accept that sometimes friends and family are better people to share things with than your husband. That doesn't mean I don't share most things with my husband, I generally do, but sometimes I feel more understood by my best friend rather than him. It is ok for it to be like that, it doesn't mean our marriage isn't strong or that he is unloving a dn unsupportive, just that he cannot be expected to understand how I feel 100% of the time, nor I him. I love him, so I want him to also be able to have his friends and family as support. The more the better.

So what I'm trying to say is that your dh knows how you feel already. When you want to rant and talk about how you feel when your period comes, talk to your friends, your family, or come on here. That way your feelings are heard, you feel better and your dh doesn't get irritated.

Kayano · 17/02/2012 14:49

But Hecate its not unreasonable to wait a year and she hasn't even given him a chance! Just Keeps on nagging. He is hardly keeping her hanging on year after year...

When I got married me and DH both wanted kids but DH asked me to wait 3 years do we could enjoy our time together and I said ok

I then respected that and didn't nag non stop for 3 years. Set a date and went with it (although a fluke of nature meant it happened a month early lol)

He will feel like a sperm donor and that his wishes aren't equal to yours

RevoltingPeasant · 17/02/2012 14:50

OP YABU but I get why. DP and I also originally didn't want DC (don't have any) - I changed my mind - he 'came around' but we won't start ttc for a bit. I am very aware that just because I am interested in getting pg I talk about it a lot. I've noticed he goes very quiet when I do and have resolved to keep my big mouth shut for the nonce as I think others are right, he will be put off.

Just come and vent here instead, it's what MN is for Smile

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 17/02/2012 14:55

YABU but its very hard when you are desperate for a baby.
I dont really understand why you keep bringing it up and nagging him when he has already agreed to having another baby though.

Do yourself a favour and distract yourself with something. Take up a hobby or do a course or anything to stop you obsessing.

You are in danger of your OH getting so pissed off he changes his mind altogether.

Original poster
missmaryp · 17/02/2012 14:55

Iusetoomuch kitchen roll - you're right, good point well made. He does know how I feel and if I need to discuss that, I'm lucky we live in the Internet era aren't I?!

Thank you to everyone for helping me keep my gob shut! I think I might suggest to him we plan one (cheap!) thing a month for us to do together while we have the chance.

OP posts:
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/02/2012 14:57

Sorry I agree with the others. Enjoy your time together and doing things you can't do while pregnant / with small baby. His compromise is perfectly reasonable. Plus if you said something like "oh Sarah's pregnant - really looking for to that being me in the summer" he probably wouldn't respond so badly and might even get excited at the prospect :)

rhondajean · 17/02/2012 14:58

Im with raspberry, I am sure you are a lovely person and I remember how when you want a baby everyone else seems to be pregnant, but honestly, you need to find a way to deal with it, you sound like a total nightmare at the moment. He doesnt want a child, and he is prepared to do it for your sake. Personally, if I wanted to be with him and knew that his heart wasnt in the baby, Id think very carefully about the baby.

But if you are hell bent on going ahead, six months is hardly any time. I do hope you arent forgetting to enjoy the children you do have (DD and DSD) while you are obsessing over all this.

diddl · 17/02/2012 14:58

Well tbh if you´ve been together for three years I can´t see why the wait.

He has compromised by changing his mind-and yes that´s a big deal, but he also wants to dictate when you start TTC?

I think he sounds reluctant-are you sure that he really wants this?

Original poster
missmaryp · 17/02/2012 14:59

And, I have plenty of things to do so most of the time my battles and wants remain internal. But I do struggle when friends announce their pregnancies or my period arrives so my 'nagging' is about once, sometimes, twice a month. Still too much, granted, but not constant!

I do need to respect his wishes more. Thanks ladies.

OP posts:
AngryFeet · 17/02/2012 14:59

"for the nonce" ConfusedShockGrin

Original poster
missmaryp · 17/02/2012 15:03

I'm certainly not forgetting the girls, in fact that's part of my frustration I suppose, I hate my mind being taken up with my selfish impatience for even an hour!

I think he just, fairly, wants me to compromise too. I trust and believe he means a year, he's not just 'putting me off'.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 17/02/2012 15:05

I didn't say it was unreasonable to wait a year.

I said it would be unreasonable if he said 'wait a year' but actually meant no and was hoping she'd change her mind.

"Because that's another thing that would be unreasonable. One partner keeping the other one hanging on with promises of next year, next year, next year, when really they mean no but don't want to say so."

JustHecate · 17/02/2012 15:08

sorry, meant to add - I was just speculating, basically. wondering if wait a year was actually a delaying tactic from someone who does not want another child full stop. iyswim