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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm NOT a single mum...

67 replies

LiamsMummyJaz · 17/02/2012 14:18

Me and my friend were discussing yday getting married before kids.. I personally as long as the parents are in a stable loving relationship doesn't think it matters as long as there are plans for marriage in the future (I wanted to get married while I was pregnant but DP wants a 'do' and wants DS to be involved) But my friend said... 'well your a single mum.. Your not married..'
I argued the toss that I wasn't, but am I wrong? Am I classed as a 'single mum' to people because I'm not married?

OP posts:
TinyPants · 17/02/2012 14:52

Your friend is a bit odd! If you're in a relationship and have a child together then you obviously aren't a single mum.

Pendeen · 17/02/2012 15:31

You are not married or in a civil partnership so you are legally 'single'.

You are a mum.

Therefore...

RuleBritannia · 17/02/2012 15:41

Legally, you are a single mother. Full stop.

StrandedBear · 17/02/2012 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 15:55

You are a common law wife!

NotWell · 17/02/2012 15:58

There is no such thing as a common law wife. Not in the eyes of the law...there are certain rights but the term is outdated now.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/02/2012 16:37

Is a person called a single parent if they are not with their partner any more, but that partner fully shares PR for the dc? I mean, they are single in terms of not being in a relationship, but they are not parenting alone.

For me, if someone else is sharing the upbringing of the dc then that is not a single parent. I think of single parents as having little or no input from a partner/former partner in terms of raising the dc. And you are not single in relationship terms, as you have a fiance.

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 16:37

I know it's outdated!!!

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 16:40

Lone/single parent is exactly that! Regardless if there is another parent with PR out there, involved or not! They aren't 'there' to parent WITH are they? Wether they are a mile down the road or overseas, who is the one cleaning up sick in the middle of the night? The 'lone' parent that's who...

corlan · 17/02/2012 16:40

You're not even a single parent by the Peter Andre definition of the word Wink.

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 16:57

Is your friend 140 years old?

Original poster
LiamsMummyJaz · 17/02/2012 22:04

Haha not quite that old!!

Thank you for your input ladies!! I have a lot to throw at her now :)

OP posts:
clicarhel · 18/02/2012 08:28

I think you are a single mum on paper. Sorry, but it is true. Unless you marry, you are single.

LackaDAISYcal · 18/02/2012 08:44

Single means one though, how can you be a single parent if you are cohabiting?
I had a partner who walked out on me when I was pregnant, and though we later reconciled when DS was 2, we didn't live ubder the same roof till DS was 3. I was a single mum until the point we all lived together as a family, whether married or not.
I think she may be confusing single meaning unmarried with single meaning lone.

MrsKittyFane · 18/02/2012 08:53

You are a single woman (i.e. not married yet) so on your passport for example you would state 'single'.
But you are not a single mum. You are an unmarried mum, living with the child's father, your fiancé.
A single mother is any woman that has children that she is caring for on a daily basis without help from another person.
Mothers with joint custody of DC who take CM and share childcare equally with their EXs aren't single mothers either IMO.

LydiaWickham · 18/02/2012 08:58

Well, I did find it odd before marrying DH, even though we were living together and had been for a few years, I had to tick the 'single' box on so many official forms, so techincally, you are 'single' as in 'unmarried' but in relation to parenting, you aren't a 'lone mother' which is a much sadder term, but more accurate for the 'doing the bulk of the parenting by yourself' which people mean by 'single mother'.

(I do think "single" sounds so much more hopeful than "lone", 'single' makes me think of someone with flicky hair who can be arsed to do her nails and shave her legs and flirt with lots of lovely men who she's taking her time over picking between; 'lone' makes me think of dumpy woman in ill fitting sportswear -that's never been used for sport- with unwashed hair, possibly being photographed by the Guardian to illustrate a terrible tale of woe caused by the cuts).

MixedBerries · 18/02/2012 09:13

I echo StrandedBear's point. You are certainly not a single parent in the eyes of most government departments, you are "living together as married". I'd never dream of calling someone in a relationship "single" and I cannot fathom how you could be described as a single mother when your partner lives with you in a relationship helping to raise the kids. "Unmarried mother" maybe. In some circumstances, you would still have to tick a "single" box but that refers to legal Marital Status not actual circumstances.

Original poster
LiamsMummyJaz · 18/02/2012 09:16

That's what I thought! We're applying for a mortgage soon and that asks if we are 'partners'. I know that I am still single as in unmarried I just never assumed people would believe single mothers to be just unmarried..

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 18/02/2012 09:20

You are not a single mother on paper or anywhere else. If you were to apply for benefits as a single mother for example you would get nowhere. You would not even be a single mother if the DP you were living with was not the parent of your children.
Your friend sounds like a bit of a prat for making such a big thing out of this.

clicarhel · 18/02/2012 18:16

Legally, you are single. Cohabiting means nothing legally. Don't make the mistake of thinking that cohabiting confers same rights as married. It does not. You are single legally and that is that. I've seen too many women think that cohabiting is same as marriage and be told that it means nothing.

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 18:57

Why on earth was your friend arguing the toss about it? Presumably she feels some misplaced superiority for her married status. Rather a tactless and strange discussion to have with a friend. And of course you're not a single parent. Although no moral superiority there either.

Nibledbyducks · 18/02/2012 19:03

The problem is the term "Single Parent" means different things in different places, and if often used when "lone parent" should be used instead.
I'm not a single parent as I have a partner, I am however a lone parent as we don't live together and he doesn't take part in parenting either my three boys or our daughter due to our personal circumstances.
It's possible to be a lone parent and married, Gingerbread allow for members who parent alone due to their partner being sick, working away a great deal, or being in prison.

Grockle · 18/02/2012 19:09

No, you're not. I never know whether or not I am but since DP has gone awol again, I'm saying I am. He doesn't live with us anyway but when he's on the scene, I never 'feel' single - he helps put DS to bed when he comes over, does the hoovering and is there to chat to.

The legal definition & what you put on paper is not always the same as your actual relationship status.

Charlotteperkins · 18/02/2012 19:17

What the f is wrong with being a single mum. You are being a judgemental cow.

LilacWaltz · 18/02/2012 19:23

Being a single mum is far, far preferable to being a married mum! That's what I feel when I look at mumsnet and all the posts about uninvolved partners and especially from l

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