Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to expect my parents to choose me over their dogs?

27 replies

CrazyCatLady13 · 17/02/2012 09:49

I've also posted this in relationships but will hopefully get some advice - the 'traffic' here is much higher!

I know how small this problem is compared to some that I've seen on here - but this is driving me crazy!

I love my parents - they haven't always been approachable, and I wouldn't go to them with a problem unless I really had to (I pretty much raised myself from the age of 5) but they have two dogs and won't leave them along for even 10 minutes!

I was seriously ill in hospital and mum said she couldn't come and see me unless she could arrange a dogsitter!

Despite living half an hour away, they haven't visited me in a year because they can't bring the dogs (I have cats!) Then when I don't visit for a few weeks my mum says 'we haven't seen you for a while!'

It's really causing me stress, and I don't know what do to. I've tried talking to them about it, but they just say that the dogs get too distressed to be left alone.

Please, does anyone have any suggestions??! Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

D0oinMeCleanin · 17/02/2012 09:53

Do the dogs actually have behavioural issues such as separation anxiety?

I have three dogs I am happy to leave them alone (with each other, although one will stay comlpetely alone, the other two need another dog at least) for a few hours but none of mine mind this. If they were distressed by it I would have to train them before I could leave them for the sake of the neighbours if not the dogs.

Maybe you could talk to her about training them to be happy to be alone for a while, it will make her life easier, surely?

Slartybartfast · 17/02/2012 09:55

you dont live at home but their dogs do.

i know of other people who cant leave their dogs.
just visit them- but why coudnt your mum leave the dogs with your dad to visit you?

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 09:56

YABU - my mother is exactly the same!!

Of course YANBU but i dont know what to suggest - what did me up was that she buggered off to australia to see her sister for 3 MONTHS, leaving me to look after her huge dog, and i had to leave him alone over night as he isnt trustworthy wiht children. Now she is back, she will only babysit for up to two hours because she can;t leave the dog! If she goes out for the afternoon she asks me to visit or take the dog out - i've given up trying to change things and just accept it for how it is. The dog is pretty much her only companion so he means alot to her to have something to look after, but like you i really wish that she would put her family before her mut (which i got for her to keep her company )

Original poster

CrazyCatLady13 · 17/02/2012 09:59

D0oinMeCleanin - I have looked into dog training, have discussed with them the 'softly softly' approach of trying them along for 5 minutes, then 10 etc - they refuse to even try! The dogs haven't been left alone for over 9 years!

I'm just so frustrated with it, am relieved that I'm not the only one affected by this though.

OP posts:

OldGreyWiffleTest · 17/02/2012 10:00

I know someone who was begged by her elderly father to go and see her mother, who was really ill. She wouldn't go because she wouldn't leave the cat, and wouldn't go without her partner who could have looked after the cat. They left me to look after the cat to go to the funeral, though !!

DialMforMummy · 17/02/2012 10:02

YANBU
I'll never understand people who'd put their pet before their children. I'd have a frank discussion with my parents about how I feel.

WeShouldOpenABar · 17/02/2012 10:04

YABU - she wont bring the dogs because you have cats, but you could put the cats out while they are there, if you are unwilling to do that then you are putting your cat above your mother and you are as bad as her.

PurplePidjin · 17/02/2012 10:06

Are they using the dogs as an excuse and there's an underlying reason why they can't??

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 10:10

I have a neighbour whose dogs bark Madly from the minute she goes out til the minute she gets back..... And she gets reported reported reported. And will soon be evicted

The dogs left home alone to bark could actually be a real problem.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady13 · 17/02/2012 10:11

WeShouldOpenABar - the dogs launch themselves at the door if they see the cats on the other side, and at the windows as well. They've damaged my property doing this in the past. They also jump up at my fishtank, trying to get at the fish! It's impossible to have a conversation at mine with the dogs there as I'm constantly running around after them trying to keep them from trashing everything!

PurplePidjin - there's no underlying reason, as far as I can see. It just feels like I'm lower on the pecking order than the dogs, which hurts!

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 10:11

Dogs who can smell the cats would still be a nightmare. They won't settle and the visit won't be relaxed

Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2012 10:12

If the dogs haven't been left for 9 years then it is to late to train them.

This isn't about putting the dogs before you, what your parents have done, is create a situation where they are permanentely needed.

This has come from some need within themselves.

It is quite cruel towards the pets because if life changed for them, the animals possibly couldn't be rehomed.

It doesn't sound as though they want to change,so you are fighting a losing battle, which will upset you further if you push it.

This is actually a psychological condition, what they have done is created helplessness in their dog, to satisfy a need in themselves, at least they haven't done it in you.

D0oinMeCleanin · 17/02/2012 10:14

It's never to late to retrain a dog. They're quite intelligent animals but t is something would take time. You couldn't just start leaving them.

HipHopOpotomus · 17/02/2012 10:14

YANBU - this is madness.

I guess they are using their dogs as an excuse to avoid things in life - like acting like decent parents/people. I'm sure lots of doggy MN'ers will be able to tell you how well dogs can be trained with proper care & attention & how essential it is for their well-being.

You parents have chosen to raise their dogs in a dysfunctional way, and this enables them to continue to have a dysfunctional relationship with you.

WeShould I wouldn't be happy having such poorly trained dogs in the house around my kids!!

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 10:15

Are the dogs nice ones?

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 10:16

i totally get the helplessness creation thing birdsgottafly - my mother does this, she has done it with a series of cats and dogs, now she just has the one dog - he has had to have a few lumps removed over time and every time they come back benign i can sense a sense of disappointment as my mum is craving something helpless to look after. Helpless!!! the dog weighs ten stone and is far from helpless!

rookiemater · 17/02/2012 10:19

This is about much more than dogs.

It sounds as if you have dysfunctional parents if you feel you received minimal parenting from the age of 5.

If it wasn't the dogs (and imho it's completely irrelevant what type of dogs they are wether the dogs are going to suffer trauma by being brought up this way etc. etc - can you tell I'm not a doggy person )there would be some other excuse as to why they couldn't act like decent human beings to their daughter.

I would suggest you have a look at the stately homes threads in relationships, as it sounds as if you need to disattach from your parents or at least cease to have expectations that they would act as a normal loving parent to you and focus on the good relationships that you have in your life right now.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady13 · 17/02/2012 10:54

The strange thing is, if I mention how I felt as a child, my mum just says that I was a very self assured child who didn't need any support. That's not how I remember it!

I suppose part of it is jealousy that they will do anything for their dogs but not for their daughter

OP posts:

rookiemater · 17/02/2012 13:02

I would cut down on your visits.Visit only as often as you think is appropriate i.e. every two to three months.

Not sure if you have DCs but if you do it doesn't sound as if they would be missing out on much by not seeing their grandparents as much.

Develop a stock phrase if your mother mentions not seeing you, if you have DCs then " Oh they have so many things to do at the weekend, you are welcome to visit us any time" or throw it right back at them " We found that the cats got very lonely when we left them at the weekend, its not fair to leave them on their own too often "

Stop engaging with them, they don't sound altogether toxic but you are never going to agree on your childhood or get them to treat you in the way that a normal parent treats their child. Therefore polite chit chat only, and minimal expectations about how they should behave.

Are you an only child? I'd also be careful about how much care you end up absorbing as they get older. In normal relationships its perfectly right and proper that adult children should want to provide some care to their parents when they get elderly, but in your case I'd say those normal rules do not apply.

Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 14:36

Some people are positively determined to turn their dogs into helpless creatures. Sadly, it meets a need within the humans who do it since the majority of dogs can be easily trained to cope with being left alone.

We had a neighbour who had a series of dogs which refused to sit in the back of his car. Instead, they had pride of place in the front passenger seat and would bite anyone who tried to usurp them. I thought this was ridiculous with their original dog but three dogs later I realised that the neighbour was encouraging this behaviour.

So I'm sorry to say that unless your parents are prepared to listen to reason, the ball remains in their court. It's sad but I can see why it wouldn't be a restful visit to your home either. But I'm not sure that they are putting the dogs before you so much as needing to make their animals dependent on them beyond sensible reason.

pacifist · 17/02/2012 14:45

That sounds so sad for you, but it's not about the dogs. I agree with HipHop. They are a pretext, sadly. I don't think your parents will change so stop feeling guilty when your mother complains about you not visiting and get on with making real friends in your life.

What kind of mother doesn't readily and unstoppably visit her seriously ill daughter in hospital

VonHerrBurton · 17/02/2012 14:51

I think birdsgotta has it spot on. I also think there is deeper rooted reasons than 'just the dog/cat' thing and reasons that I'm unsure will be able to be worked through.

Whilst we don't have dogs, lots of my friends and family do and they range from having a chilled out, fat old lab that just follows people about and sits in front of the fire, to pampered beyond belief dogs that 'can't be left' to the extreme that if the couple in question go out together (house sharers, not a 'couple') one has to go home mid way thru a night to check on the bloody dogs. Rediculous - the dogs are absolutley fine together, alone, they don't need to be checked on.

For some this is a way of life and they will never understand they have become martyrs to it.

ChocolateClaire · 17/02/2012 14:58

The thing that stands out for me is that you were seriously ill in hospital and your parents didn't visit you. That wasn't about the dogs, who could presumably have been left with one parent while the other visited. Or they could both have come and taken it in turns to walk the dogs in the carpark. The dog thing is an excuse. It isn't that they can't leave the dogs, its that your needs and feelings don't matter to them - they don't want to make any effort for you.

You've said you wouldn't go to them if you had any kind of problem because you know they wouldn't be interested or want to help. Your mum isn't interested in hearing about your life but expects you to listen endlessly while she talks about her own.

You are supposed to visit them, so that they get what they want (egos stroked, attention paid to them, feeling like they are good parents because their daughter visits etc). But they don't want to give anything back.

Apologies if I'm projecting here. My parents are like this. My first real eye-opener was when I ended up in intensive care in hospital, and they didn't visit me because there was something they wanted to watch on the tv. Then they got a dog. I was so jealous! That dog got love and attention I and my children never got. I cut right back on the visits and realised how little difference it made to our lives - like they were gone but nothing was missing. I tried talking to them and they got angry with me, told me they weren't going to change, and expected me to carry on as normal, jumping when they said jump. I said I wasn't going to visit and to let me know when they'd considered what I said. That was 18 months ago.

TheSecondComing · 17/02/2012 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenshirt · 17/02/2012 15:31

My MiL told me that she liked bringing up her two kids,but much preferred her dogs.

Flip

1 2