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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not really like my future sister-in-law?

37 replies

feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 02:06

Initially I thought she seemed nice. She's outgoing, and happy to sit around the dinner table with the family and tease/tell stories about my brother.

But she has never shown even a smidgen of interest in me. I've tried to engage her plenty of times - I ask her questions about her job, family, holidays etc etc. But she has never asked me even one question about myself or my life. Everyone else seems to like her. I don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 02:13

Should have said - I namechanged for this.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 16/02/2012 03:04

Is she marrying you or your brother?

TopazMortmain · 16/02/2012 03:08

Does someone have to ask you questions for you to like them Hmm?

Original poster
feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 03:19

Well I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable because she's not actually done anything wrong.

"Does someone have to ask you questions for you to like them?"

Well, people have to show some kind of interest, I guess. It's like I'm not in the room - no eye contact, nothing.

OP posts:
alessthandomesticgoddess · 16/02/2012 03:20

Maybe she feels uncomfortable with you? Have you tried with her or is it just her obligation to talk and be interested in you?

Original poster
feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 03:24

Maybe, but I don't think I'm that bad to get along with - I'm not loud and energetic, but I'm fairly talkative, especially among family. And she doesn't seem shy at all, seems outgoing etc. She has loads of friends.

I've tried loads to engage her, show an interest, talk about topics that she might be interested in. But it's always a one-way conversation. I'm not even sure if she knows what I do for work.

OP posts:
alessthandomesticgoddess · 16/02/2012 03:26

Why don't you try asking her out for coffee and seeing if she agrees or brushes you off. Maybe it's a case of too many people? If you get her one to one she may be more receptive.

Original poster
feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 03:29

Oh yeah, that's actually a great suggestion! How come I haven't thought of that before? It's obvious, what an idiot I am. She might be more talkative 1:1. I suppose it would be hard not to be.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 16/02/2012 07:20

Agree with the ask her out for coffee suggestion. Keep being nice and friendly and if she doesn't return it that is her problem and unfortunately you may need to accept she is just not very friendly. But regardless, keep being open and friendly be the bigger person

BillyBollyBandy · 16/02/2012 07:49

I don't like my SIL for reasons too numerous to list here, but she doesn't know and neither does my brother. He's important to me so I get on with her.

KittyFane · 16/02/2012 07:51

Ask your DP!
She could be shy (around you) & wary or jealous and a bit of a cow.
What does he think?

BTW, It is possible that she is trying to exclude you for some reason.
If this is the case you have two options:

  1. Kill her with kindness.
  2. Stop trying to engage with her, play her at her own game.
Triggles · 16/02/2012 07:52

I tend to be slow to ask questions about someone for awhile, as I don't want to seem prying. When they start offering more information about themselves, I tend to open up a bit more and ask more questions about them.

I think a time together for coffee would be much easier for her. I know it would be for me.

thereistheball · 16/02/2012 07:53

Even if coffee doesn't go well try to hold off from forming a judgement that you will find it difficult to hide or step back from. Relationships change over time - you have your whole lives to become close. This was the very sage advice given to me by my future BIL about whom I initially had misgivings. Now I couldn't have more respect and love for him. Things might have been very different, and difficult, if he hadn't been so forgiving of my distrust of him early on.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 16/02/2012 07:54

Sil are funny things, it's kind of assumed you'll be vest friends but why should you, it's another example of random people being thrown together and expectations don't match

Jelly15 · 16/02/2012 07:55

I put on a show for DH sake when it comes to his family, I am sure he does the same to me and my familt. However, I know what you are saying. A friends wife show no, not even fake, interest in me and my DSs. I always ask after hers but she never does.

Ephiny · 16/02/2012 07:59

Maybe she's just not that interested in you? Sounds harsh, but not everyone you meet is going to find you fascinating and want to know all about you, and as someone said, it's not her you're marrying!

The thing is, you don't have to be friends or become close in order to be SILs. It would be awkward if you actively disliked each other or there was tension/hostility between you, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Maybe try the coffee idea, but I wouldn't stress about it.

I've never really had much of a conversation with DPs brother (nor has he with my brothers), and honestly it hasn't occurred to me to ask him questions about himself - if I particularly wanted to know something (which I don't) I'd probably ask DP!

shagmundfreud · 16/02/2012 08:02

My SIL has treated me AND my children like this for over 15 years.

She doesn't like me, or them. Have no idea why.

All I can say to you OP is don't allow it to bother you too much. I've spent too much time grieving over the situation. Wish I'd been more self-disciplined and not thought about it so much.

limitedperiodonly · 16/02/2012 08:03

What are you going to do if she declines your invitation to coffee or if you go and she's as uncommunicative as usual?

Just let it develop and see what happens rather than setting her tests.

Is it really that important that you're friends anyway? She's marrying your brother, so he must like her. Surely that's the important thing.

catsrus · 16/02/2012 08:04

Maybe she comes from a family where it is considered rude to ask questions about people's lives - I did! My mother's view was that if people want you to know something they'll tell you - its rude ti ask personal questions. It took me years to get into the habit of asking people personal things about their lives and I certainly didn't realise they thought I was unfriendly.

I had the situation recently when I introduced my sibling (who lives overseas) to a friend and thought they got on ok - friend told me later that they thought sibling unfriendly because they hadn't asked my friend anything about themselves - I hadn't noticed Confused

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/02/2012 08:11

I would let it go. It sounds like she is as friendly as she needs to be, I don't understand why you want her to ask you questions? Especially when you remember that your brother has probably already told her loads about you, she doesn't need to ask you the same things she has already heard from your brother.

RuleBritannia · 16/02/2012 08:21

The art of conversation between two people is for one to talk about the other. One can't do that without knowing something in advance eg have you always lived in sometown?

lagrandissima · 16/02/2012 08:21

Maybe don't expect too much from your relationship with her. She's going to become your sister in law, but that doesn't mean you're going to be as close as some real sisters, at least not initially. As someone else has said, give it time. Hopefully in another 10 or 20 years, you'll have a shared history of family joys and woes, your kids will be cousins, and you'll be referring to the same shared funny stories etc.

Or you may still hold each other's at arms' length. As long as you are polite, considerate, and make space for each others' families, so what? She's marrying your brother, not you, and the important thing is that they are right for each other. If you had serious doubts about that, then that would be another issue. FWIW I have 3 SILs, all very different, and I have different types of relationships with each of them.

HorseyGirl1 · 16/02/2012 08:27

My BiL had a girlfriend a bit like this, no help to you here but I was so glad when they broke up. Anyway, just be polite, maybe she just doesn't like the questions (even though I know you are trying to be nice). I tend to be a bit twitchy with too many questions. don't worry it will resolve itself, just be pleasant to her don't put any pressure on her and if you are lucky you might find she starts to open up to you by herself. Also if your inlaws love you it can be difficult for her not to feel like she can never compete with you as the new girl in the family. I think that was the problem with the girl I knew, not that I'm a great catch by the way (!) but looking back I think this is what it was. The most important thing is stay close to your bro. xx

bringmesunshine2009 · 16/02/2012 08:31

My former sister in law did this and I naively believed she just needed time. Fast forward five years and our wedding day, I have pictures of her leaving the church face like thunder, she had a hysterical screaming fit on the bus between the church and reception and had previously slurred "we don't like her" when I was being introduced in an evening out. She was very well educated and had An idyllic upbringing.

I think she thought I was neither clever enough nor good enough for her brother and that I had somehow taken him away from her. Which was counter productive, as it made me want to drive a wedge between them (U, but in my defence I was 23) and play up to the bimbo role. As it transpired, my lack of maturity meant our marriage didn't work out and I hurt her brother very badly, so perhaps she was pre emptively justified. I will say her attitude to me was a factor.

What I mean is, she may just not like you for reasons that are not much to do with you and forcing the issue is unlikely to help.

Former SIL had baby a few months back so may be on MN-hi Jo if you are. Sorry for my behaviour.

Trills · 16/02/2012 08:34

YANBU

I don't know why you would expect to like your SIL.

You might not even like your brother, let alone his choice in partner.

Just because you share genes with someone and spent a lot of time living with them growing up doesn't mean you have anything in common besides shared experiences, and it certainly doesn't mean that you wil have the same taste in who you want to spend time with.