Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

..to not really like my future sister-in-law?

37 replies

feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 02:06

Initially I thought she seemed nice. She's outgoing, and happy to sit around the dinner table with the family and tease/tell stories about my brother.

But she has never shown even a smidgen of interest in me. I've tried to engage her plenty of times - I ask her questions about her job, family, holidays etc etc. But she has never asked me even one question about myself or my life. Everyone else seems to like her. I don't get it.

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 16/02/2012 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerwidow · 16/02/2012 08:40

It's not compulsary to like her or be friends with her you just need to be civil and polite when you are with her in the same way you would a work colleague or a friend of a friend you don't quite gel with.

Not everyone you meet will like you and in turn you might not like them it doesn't have to be for any particular reason sometimes people just don't connect.

Maybe your SIL isn't that interested in you or maybe she thinks asking questions is intrusive and doesn't want to be seen as nosy or maybe she's shy? Unfortunately all you can do is keep being pleasant with with her and just accept that you might never get a real friendship (or even conversation) with her.

ihatemycat · 16/02/2012 08:40

I know lots of people like this who despite attempts to engage never ask any questions back so it seems like it's all one sided.

I think unless she is openly antagaonistic or unfriendly just assume she's not interested in being all that close and leave it at that. I'm not that keen on some inlaw members of the family (who also seem to not give a monkeys about me or kids etc) but it's relatively easy to just be civil and polite when needed... there's no law that says you have to be friends!

FlangelinaBallerina · 16/02/2012 08:43

YANBU to be bothered that SIL has never even pretended to have a smidgen of interest in you. Its astonishing that anyone would even suggest that. If she isn't interested in you that's fine, but the accepted etiquette is to make some pretence.

thetasigmamum · 16/02/2012 08:54

My SIL (my DH's sister) has always been vile to me. She told DH not to marry me (we've been married for 15 years ) and she has always given the impression that she looks down on me (she's about 6' tall, I'm 5'2" so that doesn't help). Neither DH nor I have ever been able to 'get past' what she said when we announced our engagement and we hardly speak to or see her from one year to the next now. Which is sort of a shame for DH cos they used to be close but it's his choice - I wouldn't stop him talking to her at least (we live >100 miles away from her so we wouldn't be seeing her all the time even if we all got on). They never had anything in common anyway, except being in the same family, so unsurprisingly, neither do she and I, absolutely no shared interests at all. She always gives the impression that she thinks we are completely mad..

It used to really bother me, but it doesn't any more. Except that, I'd hate it if my DCs ended up like DH and my SIL. I don't think it is likely to happen since my DCs all adore each other, and they have an example of a great sibling relationship between adults with my DSis who we see all the time. But still. It's a worry.

RoxanneY · 16/02/2012 08:55

My advice would be to carry on as you are, stay polite and make sure you make an effort to chat to her and then if she still doesn't warm to you at least you know that you have made an effort. Probably best not to mention it to anyone else in the family as it doesn't sound as if she is being obviously rude.

I don't like my SIL, I'm 2 years older than her and made the mistake of trying too hard to be like a real sister. I got her her first Saturday job, went clothes shopping with her, nightclubs, had her living with us for a week when she got kicked out of home, had her as my bridesmaid etc, but ultimately we just aren't compatible. I think if I hadn't have tried so hard and if we hadn't have spent so much time together perhaps we wouldn't have rubbed each other up the wrong way and had a massive fall out!

We're now at the stage where we agreed to wipe the slate clean for my DH's sake, but it is proving hard to forgive and forget.

So I guess what I'm saying is being close isn't always a good thing, I think if you two are going to be friends it will happen naturally, if not at least you have a polite civil relationship for when you see each other at family gatherings.

Original poster

feelinguneasy · 16/02/2012 13:46

I guess I gave the impression that I want to be really good friends with her. That's not the case - I'm happy to just have a polite relationship. It's fine if she doesn't find me that interesting, but like FlangelinaBallerina said, it's normal to make some kind of effort to get to know your fiance's family.

Seems like people are getting hung up on the questions thing. It was just an example to show how I would try to show an interest in her, and she would not reciprocate. Another example could be that I might try to strike up some small talk, eg. about a programme that comes on TV. In contrast, unless I engage her, she acts like I'm not in the room. Literally, no eye contact, no small talk, absolutely zilch.

Anyway, I guess I'll just see how it goes, and I might try the coffee thing if I get the right moment to ask. I won't push it though.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 16/02/2012 13:51

she might be not very nice. Just be civil and DONT try too hard as if shes a cow you will regret it! I know its a bit of a glass-half-empty view, but I would out-bitch her! Its a shame, but she does sound like a bit of a cow, so dont give her any opportunities to blank you, blank and ignore her first

childish, but we have all been there and hindsight is a wonderful thing

InappropriateCrushes · 16/02/2012 14:08

Could she be jealous over the bond you share with your brother?
Also, if you make alot of effort with her (questions, showing interest in her life etc), could she wrongly think she doesnt need to make an effort with you?

Sorry if I'm way off the mark by the way.

InappropriateCrushes · 16/02/2012 14:11

I felt sad for a while that I didn't bond closely with my SIL until I realised that we are just so very different and unlikely to ever be bosom-buddies. I used to try so hard with her and get little in return. I used to wear myself out trying to be 'nice'. Now whenever I see her I'm polite and friendly, but don't bend over backwards to engage with her. We just not each others cup of tea, and I know the feeling is mutual

DeWe · 16/02/2012 14:14

Maybe just that she gets the news from her brother. I wouldn't particularly ask certain people questions because I get the news from others. Maybe they think I'm disinterested in them, but I don't really see the point in asking questions for the sake of it, doesn't mean I don't like them.

WizardofOs · 16/02/2012 14:15

My SIL has always been like this with me...no eye contact, no talking unless she really has to. It has been about 15 years now so I am not holding my breath that things are going to change! She seemed to make up her mind that she did not like me with 20 seconds of meeting me although I think I am a victim of how much she loathes my DH really.

Flip

1 2