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Original poster

To stand my friend up tomorrow

57 replies

desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:14

DD has a friend that she has known since toddler group, she is 6 now and they go to different schools. We usually meet up at some point over school holidays, its not a particularly close friendship, shes a nice lady and the girls get on well. She sent me a text yesterday asking how half term was, i had just had some crap news (nothing serious) so just texted back was rubbish. Anyway, sent a text today saying be good to see her and her DD at some point and that she would be welcome to come down. To cut long story short she wasnt able to leave house but had another friend round to visit today who i know and would me and DD like to walk up as she is working the rest of the week. I said yes and that i would have a bit of lunch and walk up - quite a walk so i thought it would be good for DD. Anyway, told DD who was so excited and proceeded to paint a picture for her friend. not more than two minutes later did she phone me back and say, oh are you doing anything tomorrow, she knew i wasnt because i said originally did she want to meet then, but she had said she was working - but another friend had just texted and said she was at a loose end and was going to go up and visit so would i mind going up in the morning before she goes to work in the afternoon - i was so Shock that i said yes ok, i'll see you in the morning and didnt really think about it. My DD was really upset as she was looking forward to seeing her friend.

my DP said that i would be mad to go and on reflection I agree with him, yes it would be nice for the DDs to see each other but i just feel a bit put out and if im honest im not that fussed about seeing her tomorrow. Would it be petty of me just to not pitch up or ring and say i can't make it.

OP posts:
Uglymush · 15/02/2012 22:18

Too many friendships are broken due to petty behaviour. Do this for your daughter, she wants to see her friend - make the effort and go.

Sandalwood · 15/02/2012 22:19

So she now wants to meet up on the day you suggested, but you're Shock ?

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:21

I know you are right Ugly, but to be honest, its turning into a one way friendship, as in all the effort being made by me - i wonder if i shouldn't just let it come to a natural and inevitable end. No hard feelings, like.

OP posts:
Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:22

Sandal - i am Shock because when i first suggested it she told me she was working and i am Angry because we made an arrangement which my dd was really excited about and i had to upset her and say, oh no, sorry, we aren't going after all because your friend has anotehr friend visiting now who she would rather see instead (i obvisoulsly didnt say that to my DD)

OP posts:
runningwilde · 15/02/2012 22:23

Sandle - I think the problem is the friend of the op suddenly texts and 'dumps' their afternoon because another friend got in touch! Thats not very nice is it?! I would text and say something has come up and see her another time. Just be nice about it and then do sometime you want to do. It was rude of her to dump your meeting up like that so why should you worry about her feelings?!

Uglymush · 15/02/2012 22:23

I do understand what you mean, but my mum fell out with a friend's mum when I was young so I lost a really good friend. How would your DD feel if she never saw thiis girl again?

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:24

honestly Uglymush, i don't think she would be too bothered in the scheme of things, they really only do see each other once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
alessthandomesticgoddess · 15/02/2012 22:25

Your DD was upset but she'll see her friend tomorrow, right? It's a one day difference. Don't stand her up for yozr DD's sake. Go, forget about today and have a good time.

runningwilde · 15/02/2012 22:26

OP - I hear you! If it's a one way street then let it go (nicely - don't make effort where effort is not made) and concentrate on your friends who do make an effort! Yanbu at all! X

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 15/02/2012 22:27

So much texting - do you people never speak to one another?

runningwilde · 15/02/2012 22:28

Uglymush - the girl is six! I think she will get over it! What's the point in having a one-sided friendship?!

reddaisy · 15/02/2012 22:28

We had a very similar situation a month or so ago. We were actually driving over to said friend's house and DD (who is 3 so younger than your dd) was really excited about seeing her friend when my friend texted to say she had decided to go out somewhere with another friend!!

I was really gutted as I struggle to fill the days with DD at the moment and we make plans so we don't go bonkers at home and now she is texting a lot being a bit overfriendly as I think she realises that it was wrong but I don't feel like arranging to meet up again. So YANBU. But it would depend how close the girls are, my DD doesn't really mind who she is playing with so if I don't see her friend again, she wouldn't miss her as long as I found someone else to play with.

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:29

hmmmm, really don't know what to do - i honestly cannot be arsed with the woman, its made me really cross and i feel that there may have been something more to it than the other child going there, i suspect that maybe the DD might not have wanted my DD to go after all and that this was an excuse. Just a feeling - i am thinking i will just do something exciting with my DD together tomorrow and let the other mum do the running.

OP posts:
Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:30

labocca, there was one or two text Hmm Sometimes its convenient

OP posts:
reddaisy · 15/02/2012 22:31

I would probably go tomorrow btw if it was arranged and see how it goes, otherwise you are letting the girls down yourself.

Uglymush · 15/02/2012 22:31

Runningwilde - Six is a major age for friendships, I changed schools at that age and still remember how hard it was to make friends - I speak from experience. I am not saying the mums have to be best friends, but what is the point in being petty. The girls get on and OP's DD obviously wanted to see this girl.

Original poster
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:32

thanks red daisy, its not a close friendship, it was but i suspect that had they gone to the same school they would have grown apart, they are really quite different. My DD is still very young in her ways wheras the other girls is like a tweenager and likes very different things to mine.

OP posts:
reddaisy · 15/02/2012 22:32

Why don't you invite just the DD over to your house to play with your DD now they are 6? Then your DD has the benefit of the friendship but you don't have to make chit chat with the mum and you will see if she can be bothered to drop her off and pick her up etc.

webwiz · 15/02/2012 22:35

Sometimes texting is just too convenient and people will change arrangements when they might be a bit more thoughtful if they actually had to talk to the person involved.

I would probably stick to tomorrows arrangement and then not make so much effort with the friendship after that.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/02/2012 00:10

I think I got a bit muddled.

You asked if she was free to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she said no, but invited you to visit them today (Wednesday) instead.

You agreed to go after lunch and told your daughter, but then she sent a text to say she had now invited someone else around today, so could you wait until tomorrow after all.

Is that right?

I think she was rude if that is the case, because it very much seems as though she dropped you and your DD when a better offer came along and is now squeezing you in for a visit tomorrow as a bit of a consolation prize.

I don't know what I'd do in your place. Perhaps go anyway but only stay a short time and then go on to do something else.

But if you really feel her DD didn't want to play with yours today I think I'd be trying to encourage her to find a different friend to play with next time. It doesn't sound like much fun going to someone else's house to play when they don't want you.

I love how, whenever texting is mentioned on here, we all ask "don't you talk to each other" by typing it out on the screen. Grin

giraffes · 16/02/2012 01:00

at first reading, this seems a bit of a storm in a teacup - she knew you were free at two different times - maybe the other friend was only free at the one time. Honestly, all she did was change the time she was going to see you - you can either make a big deal of it, or shrug it off.

anonymosity · 16/02/2012 01:26

I think your friend was honest but rude. My rule is that you keep to your original obligation, not change it if a preferred friend comes along. I think if her mother was ill, a friend was emigrating, fine - but this was about which parent + child were priorities to her and that's a bit insulting.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 16/02/2012 08:52

I don't think there's anything wrong in asking if it's possible to change an arrangement - you could have said that the morning wasn't convenient.

Sometimes there's a lot to try to fit into a small space of time. Maybe she's got a good reason for wanting to see the other friend that she didn't want to talk about, e.g. one owes the other money/ one can give the other advice on a specific problem/friend is having a bad time in some way. If it's just as convenient for you to go in the morning, why not help your friend out by changing the plan. If it's not, say no. If she then prioritised the other friend without explanation or apology, you'd be rightly pissed off. Might be easier to get that sort of subtle detail by phone rather than text.

MrsKittyFane · 16/02/2012 09:23

NoOnes
You summed it up perfectly here:
You asked if she was free to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she said no, but invited you to visit them today (Wednesday) instead. You agreed to go after lunch and told your daughter, but then she sent a text to say she had now invited someone else around today, so could you wait until tomorrow after all.

I really hope you haven't gone OP. This person has been really rude.

I made an arrangement with a (not particularly close) 'friend' to meet up for lunch recently. At the time she told me that she would be free all day and suggested going shopping afterwards etc.
On the day she phoned and said that she couldn't do lunch after all as she was meeting up with another friend at 1pm and it would be a rush. Could she pop over for an hour instead?
I said that I would be going into the city as planned, so no, it wasn't convenient. She has since left messages to meet up but I haven't replied.
So rude. OP YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2012 09:30

You're being a bit selfish here and blurring the lines completely.

Surely the most important thing here is the children's friendship?

There seem to be more fallouts between parents than kids these days when you read MN.

Anyway, how did she know that withing 2 minutes of hanging up the phone, you would have told your DD and she'd be sat there painting a picture?

Go or don't go but don't stand her up as that's just incredibly petty.