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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stand my friend up tomorrow

57 replies

desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 22:14

DD has a friend that she has known since toddler group, she is 6 now and they go to different schools. We usually meet up at some point over school holidays, its not a particularly close friendship, shes a nice lady and the girls get on well. She sent me a text yesterday asking how half term was, i had just had some crap news (nothing serious) so just texted back was rubbish. Anyway, sent a text today saying be good to see her and her DD at some point and that she would be welcome to come down. To cut long story short she wasnt able to leave house but had another friend round to visit today who i know and would me and DD like to walk up as she is working the rest of the week. I said yes and that i would have a bit of lunch and walk up - quite a walk so i thought it would be good for DD. Anyway, told DD who was so excited and proceeded to paint a picture for her friend. not more than two minutes later did she phone me back and say, oh are you doing anything tomorrow, she knew i wasnt because i said originally did she want to meet then, but she had said she was working - but another friend had just texted and said she was at a loose end and was going to go up and visit so would i mind going up in the morning before she goes to work in the afternoon - i was so that i said yes ok, i'll see you in the morning and didnt really think about it. My DD was really upset as she was looking forward to seeing her friend.

my DP said that i would be mad to go and on reflection I agree with him, yes it would be nice for the DDs to see each other but i just feel a bit put out and if im honest im not that fussed about seeing her tomorrow. Would it be petty of me just to not pitch up or ring and say i can't make it.

OP posts:

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 09:34

Another one in the "I hate my friends" club.

Chandon · 16/02/2012 09:41

OP.

I think it is annoying but not shocking or worthy of full on drama with your DD with the picture in her hand and her eyes full of tears, and you being all and .

Go or don't go, but don't make it into a petty soap opera.

Not a big deal.

Moomoomie · 16/02/2012 09:46

Reding these posts it explains to me why some people are lonely and have no friends.
Friendship is like a marriage. It needs to be nurtured and worked at.
If a friend upsets you, explain why.
If you want to meet up, invite them.
Like a lot of things it is often a case of lack of communication.

Chandon · 16/02/2012 09:57

Moomoomie, yes, why not call and say: "Actually, it is a bit rubbish that you move me around like that." Or is that too scary, and do you prefer a passive aggressive sulk?

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 16/02/2012 10:01

Yes, i do have to laugh to at the "you you people only communicate by text" comments - what exactly do you mean by that? Does having a mobile phone and using it make me some sort of mumsnet underclass? You know, i send a text sometimes if i dont have time to talk properly, then phone later, just like i said in my OP, really, still chortling at that one. "you people" haha

I hardly think I made a drama out of it, just explained the situation and and are just little red and yellow faces on the screen. I wasn't flaming angry but i do think it was incredibly rude.

I posted here because i really DON'T want to go and its really not a crucial friendship in my daughters life, nor is my friendship with the mother. I am not lonely and i have plenty of friends thankyou very much. I just don't see the point of making the effort to see a person who will drop me at a moments notice for someone who, in the past, she has told me she really doesn't like.

By the time i get there, and it is a really long walk, it will pretty much be time to come home again as she has to go to work and will be busy getting ready for work, so i will be sat there like a spare part.

I'm going to phone her now and say that we will meet up some other time, like you say, no big deal.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 16/02/2012 10:07

Ahhh, im such a pushover - we are going to meet up and take the girls to the park - i'm still miffed, but its not a close friendship really so actually, i can take it or leave it without getting uppity about it, ah, im having a bad week - i like to come here and get rid of my righteous indignation at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 16/02/2012 10:08

Chandon - i am the queen of passive aggressive sulking! But i coudlnt pull it off this time

OP posts:

Chandon · 16/02/2012 17:24

Just tell her how you feel.

It will make you feel better.

It will make her feel worse

Sorted :)

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/02/2012 18:59

How did it go today OP?

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 16/02/2012 19:46

It was ok thanks Noones (wonders about your name!) - actually had a nice day in the end as she didnt have to go to work in the end, girls played really nicely so Im glad i swallowed my pride. Still think it was incredibly rude, but in the scheme of things, i can't be bothered with upset.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/02/2012 20:19

TheParan0idAndr0id I can't help thinking that your "another one that doesn't like their friends" attitude on many threads recently shows a rather simplistic view of things.

Have you never been friends with someone who has put on an act at first? Or who has totally changed? Or has suddenly done something out of the blue to upset you? Or has proved to be totally different to the person you thought they were?

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 20:22

Simplistic? Perhaps you think so, but it is fairly simple...don't hang around with people you actively dislike. I fail to see the controversy there.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/02/2012 20:26

It's my halloween name but I kept it. It's a line from a song about zombies (sung by a zombie, asking a human survivor to just open the door and be eaten) and was a bit of a joke because the chorus goes "All we want to do is eat your brains, we're not unreasonable, I mean, no-one's going to eat your eyes"

For some strange reason, it seemed ideal to use as a MN nickname

Glad things were okay for you today.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/02/2012 20:37

It's not that black and white though is it TheParan0idAndr0id? Of course, it's simple not to hang round with someone you don't like, but what about the scenarios I gave you above? I've thought I liked people in the past and then over time they've changed and not been as nice as I thought they were. I think this happens to most people at some point.

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 16/02/2012 20:50

I should say that i think this woman is perfectly nice, actually she is very nice, but she WAS incredibly rude yesterday and i was having a moan. Its not the closest friendship and i am not sure it will stand the test of time. Interestingly, i can't really see any of my "mummy friends" being my real friends, I have real friends who it doesn't matter if i haven't seen them for months or even years, we can just pick up where we left of. There are friends and then there are friends, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

anonymosity · 17/02/2012 01:21

That's it in a nutshell - mummy only friends ARE completely different - I do have one who has also become a good friend, but most I can take or leave. For the most part, unless they make my head want to explode, I continue to take and make effort with, for the benefit of my children.

TheParan0idAndr0id · 17/02/2012 02:00

WTF are "mummy only friends"?

You people need a different definitions. Friends are people you like. If you don't like them, they aren't friends.

I don't really recognise your scenarios. I've never had an actual true friend who wasn't what I thought they were, or put on an act...because if you don't know them well enough they aren't your friends.

Bring back the word acquaintances, perhaps?

anonymosity · 17/02/2012 02:21

I think you are rude, but probably correct, acquaintance would be the best word.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 17/02/2012 08:53

Ah ok, Andr0id, so in your world it would be ok on here if someone posted a scenario and called the person an acquaintance, but because they refer to someone that has upset them as a friend, they get your usual generic, incredibly unhelpful reply?

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 09:12

Is paranoid android not part of mumsnet? Is she above the rest of us? What are "you people" Maybe she needs to define her definitions a bit more clearly. I'm not quite sure what she means. Is it anyone who isn't paranoidandroid? Is it anyone who she doesn't consider has a proper grasp of the English language? People she disagrees with or mumsnetters in general?

And no, acquaintance is not the right word - acquaintance is someone i don't see socially but would pass the time of day with. "Mummy friends" are people who i do see socially but it usually (but not exclusively) centred around the children. However, when we do meet socially without the children, the conversation is usually centred around the children. I hope that clears things up for you Paranoidandroid

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/02/2012 10:07

Don't worry OP.

There's a trend on here for some people to wilfully misunderstand almost everything the OP says (although not always restricted to the OP). And if they can't misunderstand something you did say they will just make something up that you didn't. I don't know why they bother, because the intention seems to be to belittle the poster they are doing it to but the only thing they actually achieve is to make themselves look petty or daft.

Mummy friends is used on here sometimes, it's not that uncommon, and it is used in the same way some people say work friends rather than colleagues, to describe someone they are friendly at work but also to show that it's a friendship that doesn't really extend beyond work. It's more of a relationship than you could describe by using the word colleague, but still not on par with some of your other friendships outside of the work place.

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 10:11

Thanks Noones i was worried I was being classed as one of the you people underclass - saying that, im not taking it personally because i have noticed PAs posts elsewhere and i can see its just her way of having fun Now i'm wondering if the "you people" are the radio 4 listening boden wearers or the other way around. I live in boden on sea but i have never owned any boden and my radio will only seem to tune into the local crappy station and radio 2. (is that the same as reading the daily mail?)

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/02/2012 10:21

I don't know who the "you people" are OP, but usually when someone uses the expression on here they follow it up with something that makes me feel that I would rather be like the "you people" being described than like the "me person" who is describing them.

Would love to live in Boden-on-Sea. I live in Primark-on-Tarmac. I suspect that this makes me one sort of "you people" aspiring to be another sort. I must be the worst sort of "you person" going.

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 10:37

I refuse to become a boden wearin "you person" i think i am one of the "you people" that the "people" who have turned the place i was born in to a place where I have become one of the "you people" that they probably think are interbred and not very bright :-) give me "primark on tarmac people" anyday

OP posts:

Original poster

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 10:38

I have also turned into an incoherant "you people" who post utter nonsense

OP posts:

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