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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can knock the shyness out of DD?

34 replies

NotWell · 15/02/2012 20:14

I know I can't actually knock it out...but you know...help her somehow. I was shy as a child but not as shy as DD.

She is 7 and has always been a little bit shy but having moved to a new school in September seems even worse now.

She has had a playdate and party invites...and a couple of lttle girls there sort of persue her for her frinedship...but DD seems sort of grumpy about other kids....as though they are more of a pain than anything.

Hr teacher says she seems to be a bit aloof....she;s been called this before. Sad

She has cousins she is close to and two friends from her old prmary who she has managed to maintain friendships with. She is animated with these friends and her cousins but is apparently VERY quiet in school.

Her new school is very different to her old one which was madly academic.

Is it just that she is adjusting? I know she is not being left out...the kids are nice to her....one messaged her the other day and asked her to go to hers on a playdate when school goes back...but DD just didn't seem interested really.

She does LIKE the kid though so wtf is this about?? I could shake her really I could! I thought to put her in drama classes to make her more confident...any experience with shy/aloof kids? AIBU to push her a bit?

OP posts:
BIWI · 15/02/2012 20:18

YwouldBVU to push her.

I get that you're concerned about her, but you will just make her anxious if you start to do that as she will know what you're expecting/wanting of her, and if she feels that she really can't do it, it will make her life miserable.

This was exactly the scenario I had as a child with my mother, and I hated it when she tried to do something like that. Sad and Angry.

Just give her time to adjust in her own way and at her own pace.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 20:18

What's her background? Only child? Are you a SAHM? I winced when I read this as my dd was referred to as 'aloof' when she was your daughter's age and it enraged me. She never really started making friends until she was maybe 10 or 11, she just wasn't interested, she'd rather read!

warthog · 15/02/2012 20:19

another shy kid here. my mum tried to push me and it really doesn't work. it's excruciating actually. she'll come out her shell in her own time.

bradbourne · 15/02/2012 20:20

Is she happy at her new school or not? It is unclear from your post.

rhondajean · 15/02/2012 20:20

Martial arts are fab for building self confidence.

If that's not your thing, it's about finding something else that will let her take a risk so she learns its safe to take a reasonable risk, eg talk to someone, let them be her friend.

But some children just need less interaction than others too remember. I was always happy in my own company. Dd1 can be the same,dd2 is a social little creature.

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/02/2012 20:21

I am was like this. I think it is more antisocial than shyness. I think you "learn" acceptable behaviour as you get older - at the age of 47, I am perfectly capable of social chitchat Grin - but if I am honest, I would rather be all on my own, at home, without having to talk to anyone.

I find social gatherings quite overwhelming (and my career involves a lot of standing around clutching a drink, making polite conversation with people I don't want to talk to, and who probably don't want to talk to me) and always have to completely remove myself from them, for about 5 minutes, about halfway through, before I feel I can go back and carry on.

I don't think it is necessarily a lack of confidence - it's just something she doesn't particularly want to do.

Gumby · 15/02/2012 20:22

Messaged her? Hope you don't mean text or email!

I'd justcarry on organising play dates and see how it goes

Sirzy · 15/02/2012 20:22

I was painfully shy as a child, it was only really when I found an activity where I felt I 'belonged' I gained some confidence, and now as an adult I am still in that organisation and can happily speak in front of groups of 100 plus people. It was the feeling comfy, no pressure to take part in things I didn't want to but the chances there which helped me come out of my shell so much.

Original poster
NotWell · 15/02/2012 20:23

She is one of two and has a younger sister....I work from home, her Dad has a job out of home. We are married.

I don't know...she SEEMS happy when I pick her up...she is mre lively and keener to learn and the school has a very good ofsted...they are really trying to engage her but get a bit confused when she is a bit stubborn sometimes.

She can veer into cheeky if she does not want to do something. Brad I would say she is happy at the new school.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/02/2012 20:24

Could she join the Brownies, that is a good way of having a social life for girls her age.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2012 20:25

any type of activity that she can try an couple of times and if she doesn't like then move on. Things that will give her confidence so yes dram, sports, dancing etc but let her know if she tries and doesn't like then she doesn't have to go again.
Sometime they don't want to be friends for the sake of it - we all know really who we want to spend time with and who is ok but we just don't want to play.

Original poster
NotWell · 15/02/2012 20:26

She is on the list squeaky

She does have a social life but it's her old safe one...I want her to engage more with other kids.

OP posts:
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 20:29

I think it can be upsetting when our kids aren't like the vivacious bubbly ones we see in television commercials. Being shy is not a disability, it can be a very endearing trait in some children and maybe she seems 'cheeky' when she doesn't want to do something as she's becoming embarrassed of being shy, something she can't help. I do understand though, my dd was very shy and bookish, but by Primary 6 (aged 10 then 11) she started to open up and make friends. Interestingly, she still has the same group of close friends she made at that age (all shy girls) and they have a very strong group. Give her time, she's still very young. Good luck.

ps is she an over achiever by any chance?

Original poster
NotWell · 15/02/2012 20:31

Thank you MissSayuri I hope this is the case with DD...she is very crtical of her work in some ways...she's a deep thinker and she probably just needs tmie to meet kids who are like her.

OP posts:
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 20:33

yy, I suspect the same. My dd was a thinker too, to the point of worrying needlessly sometimes, which in turn worried me. She is nearly 17 and still what I would consider shy, but when I see how loud and wild some of her contemporaries are I'm grateful for my wee wallflower Smile

alldaysleeper · 15/02/2012 20:34

It reminds me so much of myself at that age, whereas my sister was the complete opposite but my mum just understood that we both needed to be ourselves and I was never pushed into things or "friendships" that I was quite obviously uncomfortable with, although as with your DD I was great friends with cousins of my own age. From the age of 10 onwards I started to make my own desicions about friends and several I made then from then onwards are still really good friends now. I know we all want our DC to be popular etc but it just doesn't work like that.

al88 · 15/02/2012 20:34

My DD was very, very shy in pre-school, to the point where she wouldn't speak to anyone at all. She started in the September, and was just starting to say a few words at Christmas. Then we had a family bereavement and she just completely clammed up and didn't speak at all until about half way through the summer term. It was very worrying at the time.
In the end I think what worked was to take the pressure off. We went through all the sticker charts, rewards etc, but I think this just made the talking into a really huge thing in her mind, instead of just naturally talking to her peers.
We just sort of said, fair enough if you don't feel like talking, its no big deal, but then we really encouraged her when she did start to say a few words.
She moved into the reception class this year and she's completely different now, she talks to all the other children and the teachers.
So maybe the change of school has taken a lot more adjusting for your DD. From my experience I would say not to push her, as the more you push, the more worried your daughter could become. She is able to make friends, so hopefully, when she is ready, she will make more in her new class.

defineme · 15/02/2012 20:34

Myy dd is 7, likes to play with other kids, but also finds school very tiring and likes to be at home with our big noisy family. She doesn't go in for this best friend stuff and will play with whichever neighbour's child is available. She often refuses playdates because she doesn't feel comfortable going to people's houses when she doesn't know the parents or more often than not she feels she's seen the kids at school and has had enoughfor the day!
I don't care, she's 7, we're all different, she is polite and gets on with stuff. Her twin brother has a new best friend every week and lots of invites/friends home.
Aloof is a stupid word. Unless she's being verbally rude then I would say she's having a perfectly normal reaction to a big change and give her the space and security to be her own person.
It would be different if she was crying to you about wanting friends/not knowing how to play with people...that's what my autistic child does and then we did have to engineer things/force play dates/join drama groups/teach social skills.
Relax and ignore the teacher is my advice.

Ephiny · 15/02/2012 20:34

I don't see the problem really, if she does have some friends and a social life that she's happy with, why the need to push her to 'engage more with other kids' Confused. I could understand your concern if she was lonely and unhappy, or completely isolated with no interaction ever with other children, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

CailinDana · 15/02/2012 20:37

Please don't push her. She could be shy for two reasons. One could be that she's lacking in confidence. If you push her, she will get the message that you're not happy with how she is and her confidence will drop even further. The other reason could be that she just doesn't want to engage with new children. That's a perfectly valid choice for her to make and if you push her she will become annoyed and, again, get the message that you don't really like her the way she is and that you wish she was different.

Accept her for who she is. Please.

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 15/02/2012 20:37

I think shy is different to aloof.

Does she want to socialise with other kids, but struggles because she's shy?

Is she not interested in other kids because she likes her own company?

I think is she is shy and unhappy/lonely as a result then you should do everything you can to help her overcome it. If she is happy as she is then leave her be.

Original poster
NotWell · 15/02/2012 20:38

Defineme that has made me feel a lot better...I need to be more like you! I don't want DD to grow up thinking I am dissapointed in her...I'm not...when you kow her she is hysterically witty and bright....it's only for people she knows and now I have written that I also see that I hide my sense of fun from all but those who are closest to me.

It's fine...I am sorry your autistic child is sad about it....it's very hard being a prent at times.

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 20:39

maybe its just her personality - but why is a 7 year old being "messaged" is this a text message? at seven? really??

Snakeonaplane · 15/02/2012 20:44

I have a seven yo dd who sounds very similar she went through an awful stage last year and I would say she came accross as rude to other dc because of her shyness when she was crying about being left at ballet despite having gone to the class for 4 years, and the other children were asking if she was ok she would scowl at them, I know what you mean it can be very frustrating.

I'm afraid I bribed her and it did work. She wanted to go to horse riding lessons and I agreed to pay for them so long as she went on her own with no fuss, it has worked along with her maturing. I think she has mostly grown out of it or learnt t handle it, it helps that she goes to a very small school and is secure and confident with her friends there.

Does your dd have any good friends who she is happy with?

TwllBach · 15/02/2012 20:53

Your OP reminded me of me. I was painfully shy and still can be at 24. I appear to have blocked a lot of my childhood out, but I know I didn't really have friends until secondary school and even then my mother had to force me to accept invitations. My mother also told me that my default face when I am feeling at my most shy was "stuck up" and this was when I was 10/11. Please don't let anyone tell your daughter she looks aloof, it haunted me through my teens because I was already feeling shy enough without worrying about what my face was doing unintentionally. Even thinking about it now makes me cringe - so shy that I would almost feel rooted to the spot, unable to speak or move.

It took me a longtime to grow out of it. Socially now I can still struggle f I'm feeling vulnerable, but I took up horse riding when I was 12 ish and started working at a stables at weekends when I was 13 as well as volunteering with people with special needs and this helped to bring me out of my shell. I'm a trained primary school teacher now, and while I will never be the stereotypical 'actor' teacher, I immersed myself in my classes and did very well. It's all about managing the shyness, which is something that I think can be learnt over time.

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