To think I can knock the shyness out of DD?

[NotWell]

I know I can't actually knock it out...but you know...help her somehow. I was shy as a child but not as shy as DD.

She is 7 and has always been a little bit shy but having moved to a new school in September seems even worse now.

She has had a playdate and party invites...and a couple of lttle girls there sort of persue her for her frinedship...but DD seems sort of grumpy about other kids....as though they are more of a pain than anything.

Hr teacher says she seems to be a bit aloof....she;s been called this before.

She has cousins she is close to and two friends from her old prmary who she has managed to maintain friendships with. She is animated with these friends and her cousins but is apparently VERY quiet in school.

Her new school is very different to her old one which was madly academic.

Is it just that she is adjusting? I know she is not being left out...the kids are nice to her....one messaged her the other day and asked her to go to hers on a playdate when school goes back...but DD just didn't seem interested really.

She does LIKE the kid though so wtf is this about?? I could shake her really I could! I thought to put her in drama classes to make her more confident...any experience with shy/aloof kids? AIBU to push her a bit?

I was what can only be described as 'painfully' shy as a child and I remember some terrible attempts to 'make' me join in - my mum getting really angry and calling me 'ignorant' once when a girl from school shouted 'HI PEASANDYOGHURT!' across the road at me and my shyness literally froze me against being able to shout back, on another occasion in a PE lesson when the teacher was prepping equipment and all the other kids got into chatty circles and I was left on my own the teacher shouted 'JOIN IN PEAS!' - everybody turned around and looked at me, and I slowly shuffled across to a group of girls and stood on the outskirts, paralised against being able to do anything more and just wishing the ground would swallow me up!

I actually have to disagree with a previous poster and say that shyness can actually feel like a disability to some children - it certainly did to me and I constantly wished and wished it could somehow to be lifted from me. I remember always feeling quite misunderstood - having been described as as 'aloof' too.

How is your daughter self-esteem wise? Personally I was very low on that front and so for me I think a bit of confidence/ self-esteem/ 'I think you're wonderful-talented etc' input from my mum would have been wonderful. I also remember feeling if only I could be good at something (other than school - I didn't see cleverness as particularly valuable), so maybe others' ideas about clubs etc might work to help her find something she can really confidently 'show off' a bit?

I also think maybe if you could talk to her about it, in a completely non-confrontational way and ask her if there's anything you can do to help - I don't think I'd have been able to pinpoint a magic bullet as a child, but I certainly think I'd have been able to come up with some ideas. e.g. when I was in shy-making situations with my mum and apparently 'rejecting' other people's advances, I think it would have really helped (though I would still have cringed) if my mum had have said that I was shy, and then others would have responded accordingly; maybe not giving up so easily? HTH?

There could be a few factors at play here.

Going to other childrens' houses - would this involve having tea? Does she have any problems with food that would make this embarrassing or awkward for her?

Is she worried about "going off" with others and abandoning her old friends? Maybe she just has a very strong sense of loyalty and doesn't want to let them down.

Is there possibly bullying at the school that you are unaware of?

My sister was like this but worse my parents got quite worried. She is now a highly successful adult with a large group of friends her job entails socialising with politicians/royalty/super rich managing social situations that would make ordinary mortals quake. We laugh thinking about how she used to be

Kerela You have made me laugh and its lovely to hear a story like that! Well done your sister.

I was very similar as a child, teen, adult... I had very high standards for myself so always felt I wasn't good enough, plus a rather overbearing mother who simply didn't understand that it's ok not to be the centre of attention at all times!
Eventually got a job as a receptionist in my mid twenties and had to step up, am now much more confident. I'm happy in small groups, but still go silent in crowds. It's just the way I am, my close friends and colleagues would describe me as loud, and everyone else thinks I'm shy!
While its great to encourage her to find new friends, please don't discourage her old friendships, I moved schools five times and had to start fresh each time - definitely made things worse.

I can really identify with other posters have said I too was painfully shy as a child and would also liken it to a disability. I still struggle socially sometimes.
My advice is just do not make an issue of it ;do not describe her as shy. I remember over hearing my nan talking to relatives about how shy I was and that she had never met anybody so shy. I do not think she ever realised quite how much she upset and hurt me that day.
Confidence is the key and I totally understand how your daughter is comfortable with her old friends and cousins. As a child I just felt I could be myself with some children and adults but not all. I used to be very chatty with one Aunt but totally clam up with another. Am still a bit like this today not sure what it is an instinct of being judged or an inferiority complex on my part !

I can definitely relate to the 'aloof' comment. When I was at secondary school I was so shy it was almost debilitating. From about the age of 13 I'd dread being asked a question in class, go bright red (awareness of which made situation much worse...) before I managed to whisper out the answer. I was so worried about what people thought of me, I could barely even hold a conversation with people who weren't in my immediate circle of friends. If someone I didn't know very well asked me something, the thought "oh fuck, what can I say that doesn't make me look stupid?" would literally zip through my head before I'd rush out an answer. I looked like a grade A boring bitch who couldn't be bothered dealing with other people.

It was only when I got my first 'proper' job during Uni that I realised people other than my close friends actually liked me; I could be funny, and on very rare occasions, quite witty Now you can't get me to shut up, DP frequently cringes with my nattering at shop assistants or strangers while at tills, queues etc.

Just let her do the things she enjoys with people she likes who make her feel good. Praise her when she says something vaguely funny or if she's kind or thoughtful. Make her feel like she's just a great wee girl who anyone would be lucky to have as their friend. Social skills have to be learnt, for some people they're harder to come by than others!

My DS1 (6) is a bit like this. He seems very happy at school (and beavers, football etc) and gets on well with the other kids, but he doesn't have a best friend and doesn't seem to want or need one. His teacher says he likes playing by himself. If I arrange playdates for him he is fine about it, but he would never ask for someone to come and play. The other day he chose to come and watch his little sister's gym class with me rather than go to play with a friend of his.

It's all a bit alien to me because I'm very sociable and outgoing, but it does remind me of my DH (who was once described in his school report as a "loner", which I think is an awful thing to say about a child!). DH is quite shy when you first meet him, but has some close friends and is very loyal to them.

Accept your DD for who she is. A little gentle encouragement is fine, but try not to be too pushy.

"Her new school is very different to her old one which was madly academic." If she liked the madly academic bit (and "madly" suggests that you are ambivalent about "academic") then maybe find her some kind of science club? Or a chess club? But don't push it, accept her for what she is. Being shy is like being left-handed, you're just made that way.