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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

UPDATE - Bridesmaid duties for Bridezilla

51 replies

horriddilemma · 15/02/2012 17:23

Some of you may remember my thread from nearly a year ago re being a bridesmaid for a rather high maintenance bride at the same time as DH was home on leave form serving overseas (forces). Basically I was expected to spend 5 days of his 7 day leave on BM duties, 6 hours from where we live.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1171547-AIBU-to-have-this-awful-dilemma-DH-vs-BM-duties/AllOnOnePage

I think I got a near universal 'YANBU' - which was important to me purely to assure me that I could, in good conscience, ask the bride to scale back my duties a little bit.

I was very grateful for the moral support and good advice I received so thought I'd post an update and ask MNers for their good advice again.

Basically I scaled back BM duties to 3 days and bride was distinctly cool towards me for the whole wedding. In fact she hardly spoke to me at all apart from about wedding arrangements, and she virtually ignored DH. We even had to leave without saying goodbye to her - we had to leave at a certain time on the Sunday to get our train and she knew this and we were frantically trying to find her but she'd disappeared. We were left with no choice but to go - was one of those train bookings where you have to get the train you booked etc.

Anyway, I have not seen her since (last April) and apart from the obligatory thank you card for the wedding present, I have not heard from her since. I have emailed several times, left phone messages, sent birthday and Christmas cards etc, however I can take a hint and when I heard nothing from her this Christmas decided she'd made her views clear and it would appear our friendship is over.

However I've recently found out I'm pregnant and will shortly be approaching the time when we're comfortable telling everyone. I would like to tell her in the hope that this happy news jumpstarts our friendship and opens the lines of communication (I would write her a proper letter). DH thinks I should leave it as if she ignored this news then he's concerned that would hurt me even more.

Any views or advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 15/02/2012 17:26

Leave it. Don't bother telling her. She's made her position quite clear.

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 15/02/2012 17:26

I wouldn't bother telling her, she sounds like a cow, why do you want her back in your life?

coraltoes · 15/02/2012 17:27

Don't tell her. She doesn't deserve your friendship and I wouldn't involve her in your dc life! Congratulations though!!

Firawla · 15/02/2012 17:27

i would leave it too

HipHopOpotomus · 15/02/2012 17:28

Congratulations!!

Do you really miss her that much? Do you not think she was perhaps a friend for a reason or season and that reason/season has passed?

I have regenerated friendships that have fallen down years before for whatever reason, but not because someone has been a total arse. Do you have other friendships/close friends? If so perhaps focus on them? You'll be meeting new people and making new friends soon enough - it's a seemingly inevitable part of parenthood.

LeBOF · 15/02/2012 17:28

Don't tell her- I know it's happy news for you, but I doubt she'd give a shit. She sounds horrible.

ajandjjmum · 15/02/2012 17:28

Congratulations.

And stuff her!!!!

FaithHopeAndKevin · 15/02/2012 17:29

I wouldn't bother making direct contact.

Kayano · 15/02/2012 17:29

I don't think she is worth your time and effort.

She sounds like a nasty selfish cow and you have reached out already a
Few times. I can't help but feel she will just
Let you down again and it will only be you who gets hurt. Even More so because there is a baby involved Sad

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 17:30

Leave it

If she's not bothered about you, she's probably not bothered about your news either...and that'll probably end up annoying/upsetting you.

Tanyaaah · 15/02/2012 17:31

Text/email her, if you get no reply then you KNOW for sure that that friendship is definitely over!

Imnotaslimjim · 15/02/2012 17:31

I remember you're thread, and it was certainly unanimous!! Anyway, I agree with the others, don't bother telling her. If in the future she complains that you didn't tell her, just say you wanted to tell her to her face but she wouldn't take your call/answer emails so you couldn't arrange to meet her. She'll find out eventually through family or mutual friends. She's certainly made clear what she thinks, and I woulnd't want her as a friend to be her as a friend to be honest

Original poster
horriddilemma · 15/02/2012 17:32

Sorry, link didn't work

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1171547-AIBU-to-have-this-awful-dilemma-DH-vs-BM-duties/AllOnOnePage

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/02/2012 17:33

I remember your thread. Congratulations! I don't see the harm in writing to tell her, but just assume you won't hear back. Tbh if you leave her o one out from others, then you are making it clear that for you the friendships over. If you do this, the ball is in her court.

Tee2072 · 15/02/2012 17:33

I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to write her a letter. Text or email her and don't expect a response.

She sounds horrible.

And congratulations!

Bunbaker · 15/02/2012 17:34

I agree with everyone else. As an aside, why does a bride require 6 days of a bridesmaid's time. In fact why 3 days? This woman sounds far too self absorbed to be interested in other people, so it sounds like you are better off without her.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 17:35

Thanks for the update and Congratulations!

I remember your thread. Your dh is right. Why would you want to kickstart a relationship with someone that treated you so badly? I would leave it. It won't help because you are pregnant, because that would involve her being happy for you, and she is clearly too self centred for that.

snowmummy · 15/02/2012 17:36

I'd leave it. She sounds horrible!

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 15/02/2012 17:37

Leave it, she does not deeserve your friendship.

bookbird · 15/02/2012 17:40

I think contacting her would open yourself to more hurt.

Hopefully, your happy news will find it's way to her through the grapevine. She might re-think the situation when you appear to have cooled on her and she's no longer in control, it would then be up to you if you think her friendship is worth having.

She sounds like a horror, easy to say, but you're probably better off without her in the long run.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/02/2012 17:40

She's not a very nice person at all, and you are too nice to still want to be friends with her. I wouldn't contact her.

And congratulations!

KRITIQ · 15/02/2012 17:41

Leave it. What an utterly selfish person she showed herself to be. Even a petulant 3 year old wouldn't behave like that.

The older I get, the more I feel happy about "letting go" of the people in my life who expect me to give and give to them but give little or nothing in return. I wouldn't bother contacting her again. Fill that space in your life with things you want to do, people you enjoy being with and your new baby. Don't give her even a minute's thought. History.

Tigerstripes · 15/02/2012 17:44

My sister and I had a major falling out and didn't speak for two years. Our relationship was jump started again by the death of our grandma and we are now very close, so I can see where your hopes are coming from. However, this girl has ignored you for nearly a year; not just falling out of touch that some friends do, but downright ignoring your advances.

You have survived this long without her as a friend so I assume you have other friends. You will be hurt if she doesn't reply to the news about your baby so I personally wouldn't tell her. But if you must, I suggest, like a PP, to text but expect nothing.

Groovee · 15/02/2012 17:45

I wouldn't bother telling her, she's made it clear you aren't of importance to her. Share and enjoy your news with people who care x

TitWillow · 15/02/2012 17:49

People who refuse to communicate with you for months on end are rarely worth the emotional effort IME. Even if she gets in touch, she will do it again at some point, and you will get hurt all over again. What exactly is it about her that you miss? What did she add to your life?