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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

UPDATE - Bridesmaid duties for Bridezilla

51 replies

horriddilemma · 15/02/2012 17:23

Some of you may remember my thread from nearly a year ago re being a bridesmaid for a rather high maintenance bride at the same time as DH was home on leave form serving overseas (forces). Basically I was expected to spend 5 days of his 7 day leave on BM duties, 6 hours from where we live.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1171547-AIBU-to-have-this-awful-dilemma-DH-vs-BM-duties/AllOnOnePage

I think I got a near universal 'YANBU' - which was important to me purely to assure me that I could, in good conscience, ask the bride to scale back my duties a little bit.

I was very grateful for the moral support and good advice I received so thought I'd post an update and ask MNers for their good advice again.

Basically I scaled back BM duties to 3 days and bride was distinctly cool towards me for the whole wedding. In fact she hardly spoke to me at all apart from about wedding arrangements, and she virtually ignored DH. We even had to leave without saying goodbye to her - we had to leave at a certain time on the Sunday to get our train and she knew this and we were frantically trying to find her but she'd disappeared. We were left with no choice but to go - was one of those train bookings where you have to get the train you booked etc.

Anyway, I have not seen her since (last April) and apart from the obligatory thank you card for the wedding present, I have not heard from her since. I have emailed several times, left phone messages, sent birthday and Christmas cards etc, however I can take a hint and when I heard nothing from her this Christmas decided she'd made her views clear and it would appear our friendship is over.

However I've recently found out I'm pregnant and will shortly be approaching the time when we're comfortable telling everyone. I would like to tell her in the hope that this happy news jumpstarts our friendship and opens the lines of communication (I would write her a proper letter). DH thinks I should leave it as if she ignored this news then he's concerned that would hurt me even more.

Any views or advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
HardCheese · 15/02/2012 17:49

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. I agree with your husband, I'm afraid. You've very admirably made every effort to keep the lines of communication open since the wedding and made numerous attempts to retain the friendship in the face of what looks like total indifference from your 'friend'. I'd worry that she'd view your pregnancy as some kind of equivalent to her wedding, hence as an excuse to make it plain that because you couldn't spare your husband's entire leave to spend with her having your nails done or whatever it is that was supposed to take up a week of your time, that she might seize the opportunity for an equivalent 'slight', and hurt you further. Let her go. As KRITIQ says, it can be very liberating.

ChaoticAngel · 15/02/2012 17:58

Don't tell her. I agree with your DH, it will only give her an opportunity to hurt you further.

SachaF · 15/02/2012 18:01

I think writing a letter is a good idea. It's not direct contact so you don't open yourself up to the position of a direct rebuttal, you know you are doing the right thing and then it is up to her to make the next move. After all, if you were her bridesmaid, you must have been really good friends at some point.
But, you do need to prepare yourself not to feel anxious if you then hear nothing back. Fingers crossed this is a nice ice breaker, friendships do take (differing amounts of) work (especially when you live far apart) and sometimes situations deem you have a break, but then it is good to re-establish your friendship.

Original poster
horriddilemma · 15/02/2012 18:02

Thank you all.

Yes, I'm very lucky in having lots of lovely friends, all of whom were as unanimous as MN at her original behaviour.

Bridezilla is not part of my main groups of friends but was nonetheless one of my best ones. Nice Friend - the mutual friend who received a jar of pasta sauce as a wedding present from Bridezilla friend (!) - has also not had any contact with her since the wedding but thinks I should tell her the baby news as she is sure she will reply to news like this. Maybe we're both too nice!

Thank you for all the congratulations too. I know you're right, I do have much more important things to focus on, it's just sad I suppose. She wasn't always the person I described in my original thread, her sudden metamorphosis into a bridezilla completely surprised me. Although I was already a bit unimpressed at the pasta sauce wedding present, I think in retrospect that was when I started to wonder what was going on!

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 15/02/2012 18:18

She will either ignore, which will make you feel bad or she will reply which could be nice or still leave you feeling bad depending on how/what she says.

If she has responded now what makes her worthy of knowing your good news in such a special way or will you be writing to everyone?

Original poster
horriddilemma · 15/02/2012 18:30

That's a good point - I'm not writing to everyone, no. I would be writing to her because I suppose it's an acknowledgement that we haven't had any contact (despite me trying) and so I'm making a bit more effort. But I don't suppose she deserves that extra effort.

I was also going to say that I obviously offended her over her wedding but I think I need to toughen up a bit - to be honest she offended me with her attitude and not making allowances for the fact that I would be spending 5 days out of DH's 7 day RnR engaged in bridesmaid duties. This after a 2 month period when not only was DH serving overseas but I had a potentially very serious health scare (although it turned out to be a false alarm) and a serious household emergency. She also 'reminded' me that the wedding day was her day and I should be careful that I didn't spend too much time with DH and thus neglect my BM duties!

Gosh, she really was awful wasn't she?!

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 15/02/2012 18:35

Congratulations!

She sounds a bitch.

EdithWeston · 15/02/2012 18:36

I would write (but I wouldn't refer to the wedding at all - absolutely no benefit in raking over that again).

And I would do it in the hope, but (crucially) not the expectation of a reply at all,or a friendly reply.

As long as you are OK with the possibilities of nice reply, nasty reply, indifferent reply or no reply, then do it. You will know then that you tried everything.

And congratulations. Soon you will be too busy to care so much anyhow.

Proudnscary · 15/02/2012 18:41

Think about it, pretty much every response will upset you:

No reply
A curt 'thanks' or 'congrats'
A blunt 'I don't wish to remain in contact'
A vent/rant about how awful you are
A 'so am I'

She is extremely unlikely to apologise and mend bridges because if she's frozen you out all this time despite your efforts to stay in touch, she's not going to suddenly see the light. And even if she did the resentment would be too deep a and she'll go babyzilla on you in the future.

NoWayNoHow · 15/02/2012 18:46

Congratulations! I would tell her in the same manner that you intent to tell other acquaintances (as opposed to good friends) and don't be at all surprised when you here nothing back.

She's made it perfectly clear she doesn't want you in her life any more for the most ridiculous of reasons, and it's now time to stop trying so hard with her. Move on with your other friends, your DH and your new baby!

NoWayNoHow · 15/02/2012 18:47

Sorry, intend not intent, and hear not here. Long day.

MinnieBar · 15/02/2012 18:47

Ooh I remember that shocker of a thread! Thanks for the update, and congratulations !

Definitely don't go out of your way to tell her. She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to stay in contact I'm afraid. Cut your losses and move on to something better although equally selfish Wink

Garliccheesechips · 15/02/2012 18:48

Congratulations!

But why on earth would you want to jump start anything with this utter twat?

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 15/02/2012 18:50

Time for you to face up to the fact that this 'friendship' has run it's course. It has shuffled off it's mortal coil. It is a dead friendship. Nothing to be gained now by trying to revive it - all that will happen is you'll feel worse about things and you really don't need that at the moment! Enjoy your pregnancy and remember that almost all friendships have a sell by date - this one is way past it!

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 15/02/2012 18:52

Maybe she'll invite you round for pasta and sauce to celebrate.

Seriously, though, I'd let it go and concentrate on the people in your life who value you and your friendship.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/02/2012 18:54

She sounds really, really horrible. If I was you I'd be resenting the time I had already spent on her, not trying to salvage something you are so clearly better off without.

There is such a thing as too nice, you know Wink

Many congratulations on the pg - enjoy celebrating it with the people who truly care about you and cut this bitch out once and for all.

scaryteacher · 15/02/2012 21:12

Congratulations, and I agree entirely with your dh.

If she contacts you once the news is out, then fine, but I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to renew contact with her. Why leave yourself wide open for what could be nasty remarks, which will spoil your enjoyment of your pregnancy?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 15/02/2012 21:17

Your pregnancy isn't about her so she won't care

the friendship ending is not through any character flaw on your part

move on! she is the one missing out!

and congrats!

warthog · 15/02/2012 21:23

please don't contact her. she's made her feelings clear and i think you'll get more hurt. she sounds absolutely awful.

ReindeerBollocks · 15/02/2012 21:24

I remember that thread, couldn't believe the cheek of the woman!

Congratulations, on your baby, but honestly, she doesn't deserve to share in your wonderful news given that she has treated you so badly.

You have tried to contact her, but she doesn't want to know. Fill yours and your babies life with lots of people who will love you both, without conditions. That's what good friends do for each other.

Let's put it this way, if you had been in her position and acted like a bridezilla, once the marriage certificate had dried would you not have apologised to your friend for the way you treated her as a bridesmaid? You would have because you sound lovely and a fairly decent person. Now have a look at her behaviour again. You don't need people like that cluttering up your life.

ScrumpyJ · 15/02/2012 21:28

You could be missing out on a lovely new baby gift if you don't tell her.....

Out of date tin of hungry baby formula perhaps?

Eglu · 15/02/2012 21:33

I remember the original thread. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm with others, I really wouldn't bother telling her. You are being too nice, something a lot of us are guilty of at times. She does not deserve it.

microserf · 15/02/2012 21:40

Congratulations on your news! Don't tell her, she sounds a complete COW. I might get banned if I use the words I'd usually use to describe someone as supremely self centred as your old friend.

I've also been bridesmaid to a bridezilla. Mine did not approach the levels yours did, but it definitely damaged our friendship. It is now several years on, and I still resent the year of hell I went through, for nothing as it turns out - still got criticised for not being sufficiently "supportive". Angry

TadlowDogIncident · 15/02/2012 21:54

I remember your thread. Many congratulations on your pregnancy.

I agree with your DH - I wouldn't tell her. She's made her position very clear, and you'll only get hurt again if you do. She sounds incredibly unpleasant, so why would you want her in your life?

Uglymush · 15/02/2012 22:08

Congratulations on the pregancy, hope all goes really well for you.

I am going to go against the trend here. Consider carefully what you would like to get from contacting this person again. Do you want your friendship back, do you think it could ever be back as good as it was? How would you feel if you were rejected? Do you miss her specifically or just having a close friend?

I ask all these questions as only you can answer them. Once you have answered these honestly I think you will know what to do.

Not the same as you but my husband and I fell out and didn't speak for 6 years in our 20s. At 26 we got back in touch, at 28 we got together, at 30 we got married and at 32 we are expecting our first baby. Neither of us could be happier. I was the one that decided to draw a line under what had happened and get in touch, the best decision I made - if I had taken the advice of friends we still wouldn't be talking! What I am trying to say is only you know the answer to whether or not you should get back in touch.

Good luck x